January 28, 2009

My World

My transition to the new company started on Monday, therefore, no time to blog anything of significance. Too busy getting used to all the new bullshit I have to deal with.

This bullshit still hasn't changed:

I'm going to submit this to PassiveAggressiveNotes.com later. I wish I could take credit for the highlighted "What part of..." part, but alas, it goes to an anonymous 5th-Floorer. I had been dreaming of adding to the original sign for a while now, but I wouldn't have gotten away with this public display of passive-aggression. I'm surprised I didn't get accused of this snark being that my now-former boss recently expressed "disappointment" in my outwardly creeping anti-corporate attitude. Maybe he didn't see it yet. No harm in taking a picture.

All right, I gotta go floss. I should be posting a review of The Wrestler soonishly. If you're bored or upset by the lack of updates, go check out the other blog that I'm attempting to get off the ground: plowingmudforever.blogspot.com

January 25, 2009


I am still failing at health, which is causing me to take NyQuil, which is causing me to fail at sleep, hence, wide awake at 7 am on Sunday morning. I keep having insane dreams about rock 'n' roll, gymnastics, New Years, arson, and aviation. Lots of rapid fire action. It's the void that gets filled because I don't watch TV.

I was planning to get new glasses this weekend, but I can't motivate myself to do it. I only get glasses when I need them, ie. my prescription jumps dramatically, old glasses snap in half from sleeping on top of them too much, or the time I developed an eye callus and was banned from wearing contacts for 6 months starting immediately in the optometrist's chair and had to walk 10 blocks in NYC blind, by myself, and with dialated pupils to the glasses place. So I always pick the cheapest, quickest glasses in the store. This is the first time I'll be shopping for glasses that I just want to look good. Get it? LOOK GOOD! OMG I RULE.

No, actually, I fail, as I mentioned before. I went to Lenscrafters' incredibly annoying website to browse frames, rather than walk the half-block to the actual Lenscrafters store and have to come in to contact with salespeople. This was just as frustrating though. I didn't know what I was looking for and therefore had no direction. Normally when I shop I know exactly what I'm looking for and have to just dig until I find it. I rarely employ the shopping blind technique. Much to my surprise, I discovered a quiz designed to help me learn my "frame personality." Awesome!

Not exactly. Not since the SATs have I seen a more culturally biased quiz.

I couldn't answer any question except for number 10, so I gave up on the whole thing and played Tetris instead. Tetris is something that did not me fail me, though it nearly drove me insane. I dialed in on the Tetris Sprint challenge where you need to complete 40 lines in the fastest time possible. My current record was just under 2 minutes. Playing solo was boring, so I went to the area where you play other people. This always makes me play faster, partially because of the competition, but also because the screen is smaller and the next piece is closer to my peripheral vision. Unfortunately, any record breaking time in multiplayer mode would not be reflected in my solo scores. I had several excellent times, so I went back to solo ready to conquer the world (the sad world that only I live in).

I could not do it though. I hit a wall and I hit it hard. For about 3 hours I could not break 2 minutes. Lifetime Movie starring Tracy Gold after Lifetime Movie starring Tracy Gold repeated in the background of the room while I stared at falling colored blocks. The RoBeastress washed her laundry and gave me dirty looks. Then she dried her laundry and the looks grew more concerned. Then she folded her laundry and pleaded out of desperation for me to stop playing Tetris. "I can't stop until I break my record." I said, "Then we can do anything you want."

I finally cried Uncle calling Tetris Fatigue and backed off the computer. The RoBeastress was happy, but I knew I would be thinking about that unbroken record for the rest of the night. I looked back at the laptop and realized that backing away from the screen may be just what I needed to win. Sitting farther away recreated the smaller screen used in multiplayer mode and I quickly beat that damn score, jumped up in the air and threw my fists up victoriously. 40 lines in 1:50.22. Maybe I sound insane, but this made me so incredibly happy on an angry Saturday. I think I'm going to get one of these "Don't Mess With Tetris" T-shirts.

Next post, I'll tell how we celebrated my victory (no, it wasn't more Tracy Gold Lifetime Movies).

January 16, 2009

Big News Day

No sooner did I read a front page article bragging about how safe commercial flying has been over the past two years...

A FLOCK OF BIRD SHIT PLANE. I was in my new Jersey City Heights apartment when this came up on the screen. With the view from the living room, we could actually see the plane floating down the Hudson River, but I was way more enthralled by the word SHIT sort of being on television. 2 ENGINE SDISABLED, not as funny though.

Oddly, this was the second picture of a news ticker I took that day.

That seemed like a oversimplified headline for the situation in the Middle East, but in retrospect, it's really dead on. Even more accurate would be:

They may as well just leave that ticker running nonstop.

Then they published some old wrestling news:

Poor Yokozuna, may he rest in peace. Let's hope the Pope didn't get him while he was on his way out.

I'm totally going to hell for this one:

Here is some lighter humor (or heavier depending on which way is up).

Well, after he found love, what was he gonna do?

That's all for now. I gotta go easy on the Hot Chocolate.

January 14, 2009


I was attacked by the confirmation troll again. OH NOES!

(spotted that mask at a Party City, by the way)
Hi Robeast:
Please see below. L___ is out of the office this week and, therefore, the contact for the videoconference on Thursday is L___-____. Please confirm once this has been confirmed. Thanks.
No. Thank you. I don't know what to do first. Confirm the confirmation, or have the confirmation confirmed? This logic makes me want to run over myself.

I almost really ran a girl over last Saturday. It would have been 100% her fault had it actually happened. I was in the right lane on a two-lane one-way street at a 4-way intersection on a dark, snowy, icy day in Hoboken. The light turned green and I started to go. I didn't realize that some dumb fucking pedestrian decided to cross against the light until she was nearly doubled over onto my hood. She didn't actually touch the car at all, so I felt no reason to berate her frozen brain cells for telling her that her body is stronger than a car's any further than however stupid she probably felt on her own.

I have no sympathy for people that don't follow simple rules like "Cross at the green, and not in between." As a driver, I have 56 potential points of conflict that I need to be aware of at a 4 way intersection. I know this because it says so right here:

Engineers calculate that a four-way intersection has 56 potential points of what they call "conflict," or as Vanderbilt says, "the chance for you to run into someone" — 33 places to hit a car and 24 spots to hit a pedestrian.
As a pedestrian, all you have to do is look up at the fucking Walk or Don't Walk sign, or god forbid, the pretty colored light at the intersection, then look both ways (or in this case, one way!) to make sure the drivers are following the rules too. Then, have your brain either tell your legs to go or not. It's a lot easier for you to stop moving than it is for me and my 4-door death machine. Had I been approaching the intersection already in motion instead of from a stopped position, I surely would not have been able to stop in time. Actually, the SUV in the left lane probably would've nailed her first, so I guess I had nothing to worry about. Maybe I'll put up an exciting diagram sometime later this week.

All right, if anyone hasn't seen this yet, now you're seeing it.

No excuses. Unless you get hit by a car. My car.

I should also mention now that it's taken me an hour to get this post correctly formatted. Blogger gets confused when I try to use ultra-demanding features like italics, or a different font for a few lines. I am also clearly pushing Blogger to its extremes by copying text that I wrote in Microsoft Word and pasting it into its own text editor. Thank you Blogger for keeping up with my demanding blog lifestyle. You are a car, Blogger, and I am once again bowled over. Thanks.

January 7, 2009

Happy Day After El Día de los Reyes

Speaking of epifanías, it hit me just a little while ago why Kings of Leon had a surprise appeal to me--it's because the dude's voice sounds like Corey Glover from Living Colour. I heard that "Sex on Fire" today and then not too long after, "Cult of Personality." I like the melody of the "Sex on Fire" song and I like the tone of the guy's voice, but the drumming is boring as fuck. I heard a different song of theirs this morning of theirs and I was all "Eh." That means I won't be running out and buying their album. And it's not on eMusic, so that's about the end of the road for me. Maybe if I see it used for cheap enough, I'll take the risk, otherwise, I need to hear at least one or two more good songs to make it worth it. (I also refuse to pronounce their name correctly. I prefer to say Kings of LEE-OWN, as opposed to Kings of LEE-AHN. It's more regal my way.)

Some bands that I have heard and enjoyed recently on my newly created Pandora station, and may download in my 324th attempt to end my eMusic subscription are Hermatavore, Holy Fuck, and Dsyrhythmia and any one else that seems to feature these attributes:

hard rock roots
a subtle use of vocal harmony
varying tempo and time signatures
demanding instrumental part writing
minor key tonality
dirty electric guitar riffs
use of odd meter
an instrumental arrangement

Math Meddling is the name of the station, but I don't know if that's something that other people can access. I'm new to this Pandora shtuff and I don't know how to do anything except listen. In my opinion, it's been great for finding new stuff since radio totally sucks...

I actually have some good things to say about terrestial radio for once. Chris Booker has returned to 92.3 KROCK for the afternoon drive time slot. Booker's one of the only DJs I will actually suffer through a barrage of Guitar Center and 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS commercials to hear. Back when KROCK turned all talk, The Penn Jillette Show and The Booker Show were the only things I could stomach (or eardrum). When both of those shows went off the air, I bought an mp3 player and said goodbye to radio. When my mp3 player was out of commission for a while, I was pleased to discover WRXP and Matt Pinfield's morning show. Fucking awesome. I can't stand his sidekick Leslie Fram (who sounds like Rockin' Robin Lane, minus the Rockin' and adding the Lame), but Matt Pinfield more than makes up for her. I can't say I enjoy every song they play, but I keep it locked in for the most part. I think I'd prefer Matt Pinfield just talking about the songs rather than playing them, but it's not my radio show.

While I'm sucking WRXP's dick, I should also say that the absolute greatest thing about the radio station is that THEY PLAY THE SONGS ALL THE WAY THROUGH. They even let the songs fade completely out when any douche program director for any other commercial radio station would have said "PLAY A LOUD BUMPER OR START THE NEXT SONG ALREADY, YOU'RE LOSING THEM!" Fuck you, imaginary dude!

Anyway, Booker now gives me a reason to listen to the radio on the way home from work too. I was so happy that I expressed my joy to the locksmith I stopped to see on my drive home. Again, I would prefer fewer songs because Booker actually has interesting things to say, but it's only his first day back, so the format is probably not set in stone yet. That said, I wouldn't be surprised if all of my favorite programs were canceled before I finish typing this blog. Radio is fucking stupid that way.

Back to music (if you can handle more writing). I'm so on the fence with this Marnie Stern chick. Yes, she's a fret tapping maniac. Yes, her songs feature complicated time changes and crazy fucking sounds. Yes, Zach Hill drums for her. But I just can't get past her voice. I sort of hate it. I think I would enjoy her songs much more if they were instrumental. Sorry, but it's true. I sort of like the Hella vocal tracks sometimes, but I'm already happy with just an awesome guitar melody, even if it's a frantic math metal melody. It's similar to my feelings of Los Straitjackets. Their instrumentals are so memorable and powerful even without vocals. But I feel like they lose some of their identity on the vocal albums. I just previewed Marnie Stern so many times that I feel like I'm trying to force myself to love her, but I can't admit that I don't. Maybe I did just admit it.

Ok, I've had so many tangents that I can't remember what I even logged in to blog about, so I'm going to leave you with a great piece of writing that I copied and pasted into a blank blog the other day. I had been reading lots of articles about commercial failures of video game consoles and lists of the worst video games ever. One description stuck out which made me laugh my ass off. Seanbaby from Electronic Gaming Monthly was talking about Night Trap (the Sega CD game with Dana Plato) and described a moment of the game where the characters sing the Night Trap Theme Song thusly: "It's the musical equivalent of raking a car alarm down a chalkboard and jamming the entire thing into the asshole of a screaming cat."

1 Kudos.

January 3, 2009

I mentioned inventing a "Deliciously Devious Game"

on Facebook a few weeks ago that sparked the interest of exactly one person from my universe of friends. I am back now to force it upon the masses (aka the 4 people who read the blog and aren't looking for vore porn).

So the game is called either Mushin' Roulette, Mussian Roulette, or Mushroom Roulette. My vote was for the first, RoBeastress prefers the second, and the other one is saying "Whaddaya want from me?" Why don't I take a poll or something?

Basically, the RoBeastress and I went to a dinner party, but the dinner and desserts were already going to be accounted for. Not wanting to go over empty handed, we decided to come up with an appetizer. Neither of us ever cook anything, but I'm always up for a challenge. And to make up for my lack of actual cooking skills, I always try to come up with a twist on ingredients or presentation. Stuffed Mushrooms was what we shouted out with glee, but what would the twist be? We toyed around with the idea of stuffing one of the stuffed mushrooms with something distinct and different tasting. At first we considered something that would be considered a prize, like lobster meat, or perhaps a plastic toy. Instead, we decided to play up the Russian Roulette angle and make it deadly!

Here is your mission, soldier:

First, go to the store and buy some giant mushrooms. Or steal them. Whatever. Go home and wash them then yank out the stems. Place the empty caps on an old rusty cooking tray with an unnecessarily large knife and waste time by taking a picture.

In a pan, or a skillet, heat up some oil and then toss in some minced garlic and the chopped up stems I forgot to tell you not to throw out. Get the stems out of the garbage can and wipe the crap off of them. Or don't, the hot oil should burn away the bacteria anyway, right?

After the oil is gone and your mess has cooled, add Parmesan cheese, black pepper, onion powder, cayenne pepper, and a whole thing of cream cheese, then Mix-A-Lot.

MMMmmmm. Now get some hot sauce (preferably one with a cock on it) and splatter it into one of the mushroom caps.

Now get a big heap of the other stuff...

...and plop it in. If your thumb goes up, it's working!

One spiked mushroom for every six you plan to serve. The rest get Ajax...


Bake them shitz in the oven at 350 degrees for 20 minutes or so. In the meantime, shop online and charge your mp3 Player.

Later on, serve them to your friends if they haven't already caught wind of your bad idea. It's your choice if you want to disclose the secret to them or not. We did, which instantly meant more stuffed mushrooms for us! I suppose you could always not actually spike the mushrooms and still see who the real risktakers are in your posse, but in my opinion, it was fun knowing that I could have very well gotten the blast too!

January 2, 2009

How the Drunken RoBeast says Happy New Year

12:00 am - He just screams it to everyone in the vicinity.
12:01 am to 12:30 am - He receives phone calls and babbles incoherently about Wii controllers.
12:30 am - Back to Guinness before the open bar ends
1:00 am - Starts sending texts because he can do more damage that way.
1:02 am - "Happy new Crappy"
1:07 am - "Happy Crappy Pooops"
1:10 am - "Hairy smelly fart year"
1:12 am - "And a happy pooh year"
1:22 am - "FUCK THE DOG DICK"

We should celebrate the New Year every week.

January 1, 2009

2008: Year of the Year

Album of the Year: Local H's 12 Angry Months

Unfortunately, this is an easy one. In 2007 I had three or four awesome albums that I just couldn't pick a favorite out of. This year, there was really not a lot worth noting. Nobody that put anything decent out last year did this year. There were new releases from Melvins, Don Caballero, Zach Hill, Lightning Bolt, and Genghis Tron, but nothing hit me so quickly and easily as the Local H record. The minute I popped it in the CD player, I knew this was the one to beat. I love the lyrics, the concept, the attitude, the variety, and the flow of the songs. I listen to it start to finish and experience the same up and downs as the narrator, but never get bored. Sure, some of the riffs sound familiar, but I just don't care. For someone that listens to a lot of math metal and instrumental shit, I have no regrets picking a solid rock album. The moral of 2008 - simpler is better. Moral #2: you can find awesome shit in the Used bins.

I am now going to take this opportunity to finally select Tub Ring's The Great Filter as 2007's Album of the Year, making that two AOTY's in a row from Chicago-area bands. God, I hope Hum records a new album in 2009.

Song of the Year -

This is a little more difficult. My most listened to song this year was easily Sara Bareilles' "Love Song," but it was technically released the previous year. My problem is that any time I turn on the radio I hate everything I hear. Britney is the Darth Vader of pop music - 99% machine and no real reason to keep alive. Beyonce just chants cheerleader shit over some hand claps and stomps. Pink sings the most retarded laughable garbage. All the other broads just sound the same. Rap is just as bad. I wouldn't know a Lil Wayne song if it kicked me in the balls.

On the band side, I hate everything new and/or hip. I heard the MGMT for the first time (and for the first hundred times) on my Seattle trip. I hate that "Kids" song passionately because I just can't stand 80's sounds. I'll admit that I sort of like the Kings of Leon guy's voice, but I shake my head at him saying "This sex is on fire." Even Jim Morrison is deeper than that. Worst of all is Weezer who no longer deserve amplification.

Getting a little heavier, there are albums from Metallica, Axl Rose, and AC/DC. I'm happy that Lars cleaned up his snare, but now it's taken over as the lead singer of the band. I don't even plan to comment on the other bands I just mentioned, so I'm going to end this paragraph now.

How about this - ALL ARE PUNISHED. No song of the year. Or at least I will wait a few months before declaring it.

TV of the Who Cares: America's Funniest Home Videos

I really don't watch much television. I tend to put it on as background noise and then tool on the nets. For the first third of the year, I either had Law and Order: SVU or America's Funniest Home Videos on. In the summer, it was Law and Order: CI or The Sopranos on DVD. By the end of the year, I cut down on the Law and Order (mainly because they never put on the new fucking season on USA), so I pretty much stuck to The Sopranos or whatever was on Home Shopping Network (not that I planned to buy anything, I just like to observe salespeople while they're safely behind a cage).

I did buy several television programs on DVD (Comedy Central's TV Funhouse, The Sarah Silverman Program, the rest of The Sopranos), but I don't think I watched a single new thing on Prime Time TV in 2008. Weeds is the only thing that was recommended to me that I gave a shot. I Netflixed the first 3 seasons and enjoyed it, but by the end, the storyline was losing me. Like how many more times is she going to lose all of her money, or all of her weed, or all of both? The humor is clever and dark enough to keep me watching though. Kevin Nealon is hilarious, and the younger son has a great character too. Still though, I didn't see any 2008 episodes, so I can't vote for Weeds.

So really, it was either down to Law and Order or America's Funniest Home Videos. I'm going with AFV, which I refuse to say aloud, because it is truly hilarious, even in the face of digital competition. It's consistenly more funny than mining for YouTube gold, and that just ain't easy to pull off. I know that when I turn on the TV, all the best videos of Kids and Pets or Neither are going to be prescreened, and edited for MAXILULS. For every Bert and Ernie Go Brutal video online, there's a thousand unfunny ripoffs. I don't have time to sift through the crap. AFV has even gotten edgier with Tom whatshisface as the host. His jokes are occasionally risque and the new segments are very innovative, despite the raw materials always being the same. I just hope they decide to come out with an adult version of AFV, or an uncensored online version. The competition is only going to get stiffer in 2009, and they need to continue evolving with the times.

Movie of the Year : Luchador Shiraz

I didn't see any movies in the theater at all in 2008. The last motion picture I saw was Eraserhead in December 2007 at the IFC. I tried to go see The Wrestler with the RoBeastress last night, but it was sold out (even though I insisted it wouldn't be). Instead we went and got wine. I was still angry about not getting to see the only movie I've looked forward to in a long time, so I picked up Luchador, a South Australia Shiraz, in protest. I typically don't drink red wines, but this was all right with me. There are apparently several different types of Luchador wine, each with a different wrestler pictured on the label with a funny description of his character, like such as: "Gato Loco is a world-famous orchid collector. He owns four iPods and believes vinyl is for weenies. He never buys water or women."

I know this is a wine and not a movie, but tough shit, it's my list. The wine is also from 2007, so the hits just keep coming huh? What, did you want me to put Batman or some shit on the list? Fuck Batman. Fuck Indiana Jones and fuck de fucking X-men. I bury those cockroaches.

Best Commercial of the Year When Commercials Were Decidedly More Memorable Than Any Movie or Song - Hotels.Com

I'm glad Tom Green is still an influence on today's culture. Sort of. I can't wait to act this commercial out in a hotel myself.

Worst Death of the Year - George Carlin

Shoulda been George Lopez.


Fine, Carlos Mencia then.

This list sucked, sorry. I'm in a hurry and I've got a lot blog backup and pictures to upload and boxes to unpack and paperwork to sign and hammers to drop. I'm going to try writing a couple more today and have them trigger to pop up automatically in the next few days.