(as a gift)

Sorry for no blog yesterday. i had a migraine for 65% of my drive to Maine. here's a selfportrait to make up for my oversight. its called 'you cant spell migraine without maine.' hopefully i'll get a chance to take pictures of all the funny signs i saw on the way up on the way down. rolo tony brown town.

Facebook.com/?????

Two weekends ago, Facebook decided to allow registration for subdomains. Unlike the 200,000 people that immediately logged in at midnight to take advantage of the service, I hesitated. It took months just to come up with Beauty and the RoBeast, so I knew it could take time to come up with something snazzy. A few days into Snatchfest 2009, I started getting anxious, so I did some preliminary brainstorming. Facebook only suggested boring variations on my name and most of the obviously offensive stuff was gone already. I threatened to steal a friend's name in protest, but even that move was old news by the time I considered it. I needed to enter the universe of the absurd.

Here is a short, exciting list of subdomains that are still available (as of 6/25):

/shitonashingle
/butterballturkey
/waristheanswer
/nicebeaver
/rickyschroeder
/drinkyourdrugs
/electricsportsbra
/snakesonatrain
/gloriouswatsontits
/leaveamessageatthebeep
/policeacademyfour
/teenwolfblitzer
/chickencow
/trampstampclamp
/thethethe
/jesuschristsuperhighway
/defenderoftheuniverse
/abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz12345678
/stopallthedownloading
/alldayidreamaboutsex
/ppppppokerface
/americanapparatus
/ahorseisahorseofcourseofcourse
/gozerthetraveler
/happybirthdaytoyou
/iwannaknowwhatloveis
/iwantyoutoshowme
/notmychairnotmyproblem

No such luck on /saddamhussein, /feliznavidad, or /facebookdotcomslash. I was especially disappointed about the last one not being available, not because someone else grabbed it, but because it seems that Facebook simply prohibits it. I loved saying it out loud, and still craved something similarly meta, so I abbreviated it to /faceslash. It's postmodern, catchy, and violent! I quickly registered on Facebook, and then immediately finger-ran (I need to work on this one) to Urban Dictionary to lay claim to this new definition for faceslash. Amazingly, Urban Dictionary approved it in just one hour! I think this may turn out to be way cooler in my imagination, but I'm still going to pretend that this term catches on fire and I soon see this headline on the cover of Newsweek:

FACESLASH BURNINATES THE INTERNETS!

Far Awesome Show, Great Job

Far, a band I'm a big fan of, reunited recently for a small tour. The reunion was so productive that they went into the studio to record an album--their first in ten years. They've been twittering nonstop since getting together for the recording, and it's been exciting to witness. For one track on the new album, they've decided to solicit assistance from the Internets:

The Scream-A-Long Project
posted by Jonah

So, there's this particularly rockin tune on the new record that we're workin on, and we want it to have some great, big, fun scream-a-longs. Here's how you can be part of it in 4 easy steps:

1. Watch the intro video here: http://thebandfar.com/media/videos/309/456

2. Record the audio and/or video of you (and your friends and family) screaming along

3. Post the recording anywhere you like (YouTube, Facebook, etc)

4. Send the link (not the file) to us in any number of ways:

- Post it in a comment right down there.

- Tweet it at http://twitter.com/thebandfar

- Post it as a comment at http://myspace.com/thebandfar

- Post it as a comment at http://www.facebook.com/pages/far/72115108498?ref=mf

Don't worry about being pro or having it be high quality or whatever, it's not about that. Just scream along with me on the video, with all your might. We'll gather everything, regardless of quality, and put it into the track. Then, when the album comes out, the most far-reaching, diverse, punk-rock DIY choir EVER will be on it.

Thanks for being a part of all this,

Jonah/Far

ps - Our drummer/lawyer Chris says to say,

"Legal: By participating in "The Scream-A-Long Project", you are agreeing to far's unfettered use of the content submitted by you for any and all purposes far so chooses and waive any and all interest, right, and claim to same."

That all just means no one's makin millions or having their star turn, you're just doin it for fun and do be part of a cool idea. Cool? Yes.

This idea seems to be a digital extension of an experiment that singer Jonah Matranga tried several years ago for one of his solo albums. At three different shows, he recorded the audience singing along to a never-before-heard track ("Over It"), then went home and blended all the vocals (along with recordings of family members singing along) for the finished studio version. I participated in the audience recording from the Hoboken, NJ show, and it's pretty awesome to hear the track and feel that I contributed something to it. Even if I'm only one of a hundred voices, I still get a tingle in my dingle. I imagine that with this Far track, they're definitely going to raise the bar and try to one-up the first experiment somehow. Should be awesome.

Under the Digital Bridge, Down by the Sea

I was walking past a conference room today
and noticed that someone's bikini top had been removed...

I caught the skinny dippers on another floor.
What large cajones they had!

They weren't the only ones swimming though...

See you in 9 months, Siamese Twins!

SHRIMP AND WHITE WINE

Not A Camper

This weekend we went out to Krause Springs with my infant daughter (a long post on motherhood is brewing within me). We were only out there for 4 hours. My friends who are much more ambitious than I am camped out with their baby. I was tired and hot and bug-bitten after only 4 hours; they had been there 2 days and overnight. Some people are campers, and some people are, emphatically, not. I am one of the nots. I am not a camper. I have been camping numerous times. I have been to Burning Man which is extreme hardship/luxury camping. I am NOT a camper. Last night I examined the reasons why from the sweet-smelling safety of my cashmere pillowtop, memory foam bed. Yes, I am a Princess.

Sure, the human race was nomadic and everyone lived in tents for millyuns and millyuns of years. Camping was THE way of the world, and obviously that shit got tiresome because the heighth of civilization is having a house and hot running water. Almost every civilization on Earth has said fuck camping as a way of life, I would like to live in a structure that keeps bugs out and allows me to accumulate more stuff than I can carry on my back. I don't understand what's so nostalgic about getting back to nature. Nature is full of things that sting and bite, and ALL of them find my bloodtype to be particularly delicious. I am certain that somewhere back in prehistory my DNA's prime progenitor said, "FUCK THIS CAMPING SHIT."

The way I see it we could easily revert to our nomadic ways. Someone fires a missile at someone and nuclear war ensues, cities crumble, the world becomes some terrible version of a Mad Max movie, and bam, we are right back to camping. I for one would like to enjoy every single moment of the luxury of having hot running water, air conditioning, and comfy beds before the apocalypse comes and I am forced to camp, forever. Because, if I have to camp and there is no alternative, fine, I will do so and not complain. But, if there is no need for the camping, and this is just roughing it out of some perverse sense of fun or collective social guilt, then fuck that noise. I'd rather not have to make a huge mess, drag all of my shit somewhere lumpy and uncomfortable, pack all of my trash out, and dig a hole in the woods with a shovel everytime I have to shit. Then drag all that crap home and wash it. This is not convenient for me. This is making a hobby out of inconvenience. Have you ever had to do a crevice check for ticks on LSD? No? Then, shut up about the glories of getting back to nature because I am scarred for life. I think people who enjoy camping are masochists. I would like to say that going outside is my personal religion. It is a reverent and sacred experience that should be done sparingly and with full respect towards the things that live outside because we no longer do and are just visiting. Visiting. Briefly.

I, personally, consider a vacation to be an event filled with sybaritic luxuries I cannot afford on a daily basis not an event filled with uncomfortable inconveniences that I could quite easily avoid. This is not the definition of a vacation to me. Vacations to me are sitting in a tropical location on a beach while lovely young men bring me fruity rum drinks and massage my glisteningly oiled form. That is my idea of heaven. Besides, the best part about camping is the shower afterwards. Think about that shower. You've been camping for days and feel gross from head-to-toe. You are finally home and take the most exhilarating and refreshing cleansing period of your life in a hot, steamy celebration of man's finest achievement, running water. Throw in some Dr. Bronner's peppermint soap, and I might just have an orgasm thinking about it. Anyone who has been to Burning Man, where you are camping in an alkaline lakebed of a desert for DAYS with the dust and the sweat and the general party nastiness and the sex crust (I personally refuse to break the bio armor and engage in sexual activity at Burning Man), will tell you that the shower afterwards is a little slice of heaven. After 4 times of going for the sake of art, community, expanded consciousness and heavy drug use, I have spent thousands of dollars. Airline tickets to get out to the Nevada desert, rental cars, gas money, tickets to the event itself run you about $500 for two, food, water, costumes, illicit drugs, alcohol, gifting, that is thousands of dollars for the sake of what is one damn refreshing shower. I may not remember everything that happened out in the desert, but I always remember the shower afterwards because no matter where it is, in the seediest motel or the ritziest casino, it is hands down one of the better showers of your life. I have decided that I can save myself a lot of time, aggravation, and money and just enjoy every shower here at home to its hedonistic fullest. Clean, hot, running water is a privilege not a right, people. One day we may be doing without such luxuries, and on that day I will look back fondly and have the experience of every tantalizingly terrific bubble bath and shower to remember like sweet, sweet pornography as I fight the irradiated mutants for cans of dog food and gasoline.

blistered babies. now meatless. (shaved vag!)

Long story, late post

George W. Bush overlooks the bar at the Yale Club.

More Porn @ Work

I had in a meeting in one of my building's seventeen hundred thousand conference rooms the other day and spent most of the time staring at a mural on the wall. It's basically an homage to the Candyland game board, but filled with corporate speak and doodles. You could say the mural was Inc.'ed up, but then you'd deserve to be shot. Shot in the V by a three-balled woodcock...

I guess I should expect unintentional porn to pop up occasionally in my workplace. I mean, our other New Jersey office has a conference room called Chocolate Circle. "Oh no, I left my giant deck in the Chocolate Circle!"

Earlier today I was doing some maintenance on one of our Video Conference systems and discovered this under the unit:

No joke! It's autographed to "Chris." I wonder if "Chris" is the same person as "Mr. Porn Star." I guess we'd have to ask St. Pauli Girl Spokesmodel Stacy Fusion. I decided to put the photo exactly where I found it, so if any co-workers are reading this, enjoy the scavenger hunt!

And Keep Drinking St. Pauli!

Anniversary of an Interesting Event

So you weren't impressed by yesterday's anniversary? Turns out there are a few other important dates coming up to mark on your calendarias. The RoBeastress' birthday is coming up soon, for instance. It's on the same day as the United States' Independence Day. A few weeks ago I went to Target and purchased a corny patriotic outfit to wear for the occasion, but I now wish that I had held out for a "God Bless the USA - I Love My Country" T-Shirt, symbolically priced at $7.04 (on sale until 7/4).

When I opened up the newspaper this morning, I saw that A&W Restaurant is celebrating its 90th anniversary this year. To commemorate the event, they are offering up Papa Burgers for the special price of 90 cents on Father's Day. I've never been to one of these restaurants because Stewart's Restaurants are closer, but that A&W burger looks purdy tasty even in B&W.

Not to be out-done, out-burgered, or out-anniversary priced, I heard on the radio that White Castle is having a similar birthday tie-in. The White Castle Slider is apparently celebrating its 88th year of meathood this year. For the next few weeks you'll find on the menu 88-cent Double Cheeseburgers or a 10-pack of regulars sliders for $4.88. You can also bypass the whole payment all together and get a free slider with this coupon. I've already used up my allotted single-trip to White Castle this year, so I'll be forking over the extra penny in 2010.

Another American favorite celebrating a milestone is Starbucks' 13-shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel. It turns 1376 years old this year and can be purchased at participating locations for only $13.76. Puke one up today!

Anniversary of an Uninteresting Event

123,456 miles without dusting the dashboard. WORD!

Droppin' A Bomb

As an occasional rock vocalist with a horrible singing technique, I often find surrounded by Halls Cough Drops fairly often. I know it's no substitute for proper training, but you can catch more flies with honey than you can with voice lessons, a wise person never said. Here's something I recently discovered on the website of my favorite honey flavored Cough Droppy Drops...

Honey-Lemon Halls
Active Ingredient: Menthol 9.1 mg
Inactive Ingredients: eucalyptus oil, beta carotene, flavors, glucose syrup, honey, soy lecithin, sucralose, sucrose, water

Honey-Lemon Halls Plus
Active Ingredient: Menthol 10 mg
Inactive Ingredients: beta carotene, carrageenan, flavors, glucose syrup, glycerin, honey, partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil, pectin, soy lecithin, sucrose, water

Harvest Peach with Soothing Honey Center Halls Natural
Active Ingredient: Menthol 2.5 mg
Inactive Ingredients: beta carotene, citric acid, cottonseed oil, flavors, ginger, glucose syrup, glycerin, honey, lemon grass, MCT oil, sage, soy lecithin, sucrose, water, white thyme

Mountain Berry with Soothing Honey Center Halls Natural
Active Ingredient: Menthol 2.5 mg
Inactive Ingredients: citric acid, cottonseed oil, elderberry juice, flavors, ginger, glucose syrup, glycerin, honey, lemon grass, MCT oil, sage, soy lecithin, sucrose, water, white thyme

Honey-Lemon Chamomile Halls Natural
Active Ingredient: Menthol 2.5 mg
Inactive Ingredients: citric acid, flavors, ginger, glucose syrup, honey, lemon grass, sage, sucrose, tea extract, water, white thyme

Honey-Lemon Sugar Free Halls
Active Ingredient: Menthol 7.6 mg
Inactive Ingredients: acesulfame potassium, aspartame, beta carotene, flavors, isomalt, sodium carboxymethylcellulose, soy lecithin, water

Honey-Berry Sugar Free Halls
Active Ingredient: Menthol 2.5 mg
Inactive Ingredients: acesulfame potassium, aspartame, beta carotene, FD&C blue 1, FD&C red 40, flavors, isomalt, soy lecithin, water

That's right... the ingredients for Sugar Free Halls don't actually list honey (they also don't list lemon or any berry either, but that's for someone else to complain about). It's not just an oversight on the website because I looked on the packages too. No honey anywhere except in the name and picture on the front. It's possible that a "honey flavor" is contained in the "flavors" listing. I don't know for sure, I haven't written a letter yet.

I am not upset because there are plenty of Halls alternatives that still do contain honey. I tend to choose sugar-free items over regular ones when given the option, but my desire for honey in this case is even greater than my desire to avoid a dozen or so calories. Yes, I know that honey is mostly made of sugars and "sugar-free" is obviously not, but I never put that all together until I flipped the bag over and really looked at the package. I don't believe that I'm the only person on Earth to fall for it though. To minimize future confusion, I think Halls should redesign the package with a picture of sodium carboxymethylcellulose dripping off a wooden stick.

Mmmmm.....

Facial Matter

The RoBeastress and I made a quick stop at the Super Food Town in my hometown of Bayville, NJ last night. My latest grossacea flare-up coupled with a day out in the hot sun left me with a lot of dry skin that needed to be taken care of (shinfo), so we hit the skin care aisle hard.

The first thing the RoBeastress picked up was a battery-powered massager by Dove:It stood out from the crowd because it was obviously a giant vibrator that begged "Try Me!" I responded by pulling the unusually designed Le Scrub off the shelf.

You see, the top is shaped for use as a "handy sponge holder." Here, let's me demonstrate:


This Method item is meant to scrub your sink and shower as well as clean your pipes. Unfortunately, it wasn't going to do a damn thing for my face, so I tossed it back with the other promiscuous bottles.

To be honest, I don't even remember what cosmetic cocktail we did end up purchasing for my poor pore pour. It either didn't have "facial" in the name or couldn't take the place of our genitals. For your health!

'Tail between the legs' is not just not an expression. Rory "the Scaredy Cat" Dog at the most terrifying place on Earth: the park.

absolutely going to a stripper

Virgin Smegmastore - Part I don't remember

A dude hordes a stack of discounted vinyl while a pimp takes a rest outside. For the last 3 days of the Virgin Apocalypse, the animals are on both sides of the glass.