February 28, 2017

RPM Challenge 2017 results - BAD TOOTH EP

Catarrh Clothesline - BAD TOOTH EP
Lyrics by Rollie C. Hatch 
Find it on Bandcamp

I wouldn’t mind finding your period in my peanut butter sandwich that I am eating without jelly like I’m supposed to ‘cause I forgot to buy it at the store
And you don’t mind
And I don’t mind
That you don’t mind

I wouldn’t mind spreading your boogersnots on my Handisnacks with the plastic thing that is inedible but I still chew it and if I hold it right, then I can flick it way across the room 

And you don’t mind 
And I don’t mind 
That you don’t mind 
And I don’t mind 

And I don’t think you’d be grossed out 
If my forehead broke out 
In hives, you can bake them into pies 
You can serve them on the  side of a chicken as long as you’re not sickened 
By a drumstick mixed up with some pus, thick and spilling on your thighs 
I hope you wouldn’t mind 

I hope you wouldn’t mind tying your curly hairs to my curly fries using a Trucker’s Knot once in a while since I just learned it and I don’t floss enough but I would like to kiss you on the mouth 
And you don’t mind 
And I don’t mind 
That you don’t mind 

When they said Boom Boom Boom 
meant shooting guns in a room 
it may not have been that far from the target 

The horses threw off their shoes 
thinking they couldn’t lose 
while all the little piggies went to the market 

Advances in science and math 
Fuck, another decade has passed 
Adventures in a chemistry class 
We’ll make the next century the last 
Pull the pin and impress a lot of men. 
Everybody’s 80 who was 50 back then. 
I can press a button and impress a lot of ladies 
Everybody’s 80 who was 50 in the 80s. 

Rambo handled grenades 
Commando shared his passion 
If you had the figure then you can still go find the action 

You were alone, but someone is now sitting in your chair 
It’s your home, and you’re gonna die in there 
Run, run, run 

Pick up the phone, it’s not like you’ve forgotten how to care 
The early bird has flown, so let the worms take over the air 
Run, run, (don’t) run   

It’s always been my wish 
to prepare a sandwich 
of expired tuna fish 
and sell it on Craigslist 

It’s always been my dream 
to take a bucket of sour cream 
to the campus of Bowling Green 
And dump it on the women’s basketball team  

It’s a fantasy of mine 
to write a song that’s oldie-time 
where almost all the lyrics rhyme 
and it ends right now


December 28, 2015


I've been posting a lot of my crappy MSPaintJobs to a Facebook group called Useless, Unsuccessful, and/or Unpopular Memes. Here is some of my "work":

March 3, 2015

January 5, 2015

BREAKING: I Can't Breathe Watching This "Gentle Giant" Perform Such An Offensive Protest

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie shunned by affluent white men for performing Hands Up, Don't Shoot protest in Texas.
Soon-to-be-former-Governor Chris "This-Action-Is-Patently-Offensive-And-A-Kick-In-The-Gut-To-Police-Officers-And-Real-Conservatives-Everywhere" Christie was caught by television cameras this past weekend performing the Hands Up, Don't Shoot protest in solidarity with violent thug supporters of Michael Brown. It is presumed that Gov. Christie has not read the thousands of coroner and eyewitness reports we can't stop posting on Facebook that only support our opinion that Brown never once in his life had his hands up nor did he not want to get shot.

We urge all of our readers to exercise your Right To Express Disappointment in the leadership of the state of New Jersey by refusing to pump your own gas for the rest of the week.* Imagine the message this will send to Adolf Hussein Obummer and his Muslim friends that are allowing gas prices to be so low while a non-Republican is in the White House.

Up with gas prices, not with hands!

* (Unless you are in NJ where you already don't have to pump your own gas. In this case, you may protest Chris Christie's heinous acts by riding the PATH train all night long.)

BREAKING: Shocking News Written To Shock You Into Complete Shock

As if his constant racist cop-hating public rants weren't enough, you won't believe what Obummer-in-Training has come up with now...

In response to the NYPD turning their backs on him during two recent funerals of their fallen comrades brothers, Mayor DiBLAHsio has now fast-tracked legislature mandating all law enforcement officers to be outfitted with body monitors. These monitors will display live streaming video of the Mayor's face and they will be physically unable to turn away. 

An anonymous Police Union spokesperson probably has stated "I'm extremely frustrated that our police force will no longer be able to turn their backs on the fascist Mayor, but on the bright side, these screens are pretty bulky and will block whatever the police body cameras were going to pick up."

Not only is this spiteful action from New York City's Mayor a violation of every Constitutional Right To American Freedom, these television monitors are likely being made in Japan, Korea, and Vietnam, so if you were looking for a tenuous link to Veterans being shit on somehow in this completely unrelated article, you just found it. 

Since every police officer will be unable to turn-the-other-cheek from this slap-in-the-face right under-their-nose, we here at Conservative Beauty and the Right-RoBeast urge all of our brothers- and sisters-in-blue to stop writing tickets and instead protest these actions by continually spinning in a circle for the entire duration of their shifts. 

December 28, 2014

BREAKING: Unbelievable Story About Cop-Killing Animals That You Won't Believe

Liberals are already up in arms about this (or maybe the problem is that they aren't up in arms about this--whichever seems worse), but Presidon't Obummer, Maywhore DeBLAHsio, and Rev. Al Sharpsdisposalcontainer can't suppress this public information.

The good people over at Officer Down Memorial Page have compiled details about in-the-line-of duty officer fatalities and since 1914 there have been an incredible overwhelming amazing and shocking number of related deaths that the left doesn't want you to know about. As it turns out, the cause of 30 fallen officers over the century were horses. We can't say this for sure, but one only has to look at the word "horse" to know that they were probably atheist liberal muslim horses that illegally crossed the border from Mexico and Africa.

We can't say this either, so here's a quote from an anonymous source inside the police force that you just have to blindly trust and add to a Facebook meme: "Horses are stealing jobs from veterans and assassinating cops on a regular basis. And the mayor isn't doing about it. Which mayor? Pick any Democrat mayor, it doesn't matter!".

Perhaps most controversial of all is the case of a policehorse named Bulb. On September 20th, 1919, Bulb threw Patrolman Christopher J. Tierney to his death while on duty in the streets of New York City. Just three years later, Patrolman Frances J. Mace was killed while riding the same exact horse. Instead of letting Bulb rot behind bars, liberals waste time pushing legislation for taxpayers to fund expensive rehabilitation programs, and look what happened. The blood of those officers is on your hands, Judge Whoever.

Even if it was spread across one hundred years, 30 DEATHS without any consideration for statistical context is still a scary high enough number for this publication to acknowledge there is a War On Cops™ and we urge you to turn your back on all horses. We know your child probably asked for a pony for Christmas and taking it back now would mean a temporary retreat in the War On Christmas™ but it is your American duty to stand your ground against all horses and their horserace-baiting civil leader Mr. Ed (or should we say, Mr. MohammED?).

Please show your support by changing your social media profile pictures to Glue until all horses are decapitated and America is taken back. And if you've gotten this far, know that the death of even a single officer is not being taken lightly, just the paranoid fear-mongering reactions to them.

October 9, 2014

Printed Pizza Menu Hacked By Competition...Somehow.

I believe I said years ago on this blog that I didn't think it was a major deal if people occasionally made minor grammatical errors or misspellings in public forums. That's why I don't want to make a huge deal out of the fact that this new menu I received has two on their front page. ""Delivery Fee May Applay" is just a simple mistake. And the bold proclamation "WE DELIVERY" is either an error, or an inside joke for stoners. In either case, any average person knows what Pizza Express is trying to communicate and it's not likely to cause any debilitating confusion for a customer.

But there is a third, very subtle mistake on this menu. (OK, a fourth if you think "NJ,07306" looks a bit cramped.) No, it's not the fax number, the business hours, the credit cards accepted, or the URL. And sure, those are all likely stock photos of Italian restaurant offerings, but I'm sure what Pizza Express cooks up isn't that far off.

I'm talking about the computer with the little Italian flag-colored logo and the pleasant slice of cheese pizza stretched across its screen. That's a great touch and shows me that they're technologically current, but what it doesn't show me is Pizza Express' website. Not only is not Pizza Express' website, it's a rival pizza company's website.

Villa Pizza is a NYC-based pizza franchise that also has a location in Jersey City, less than a mile away from Pizza Express. I can't imagine giving a competitor free ad space is good for business. If this happened on The Apprentice, Donald Trump would most certainly be firing whoever red white & green-lit this choice.

I'm so curious as to how this made it to print that I did some investigating (though not that much because it turns out I'm not really that curious). Pizza Express' menu is made by Menus For Less, which prints menus and other things for businesses. They do custom designs and also have lots of templates. I checked out the Pizza Menu and Italian Menu templates and saw a lot of similar designs, but no exact matches, so it was either a custom job, or a template that is now discontinued because of the computer graphic goof.

I wanted to check Villa Pizza's menu out to see if maybe Pizza Express just copied it and forgot to clean up that detail. I don't think that's the case though. The scan of Villa Pizza's menu that I found online is six years old and it's made by a completely different menu printing company called Menu Mo'n.

Menu Mo'n's website has many typos and grammatical errors on their website. I don't say this to make fun of them, I say this because this sort of supports the idea that maybe the printers aren't any more qualified to proofread than the customers that hire them. Menus For Less' website is in much better shape. I can't deny I saw a couple tiny mistakes, but nothing nearly as glaring as the mistakes on the cover of Pizza Express' menu. Maybe printers simply waive all accountability and say "Hey, we just print what you give us."

What I do know is that on Pizza Express' website, they display every page of their full-color menu--except the front page. Not that there aren't mistakes on the other pages ("Vegeatables"--I'm lookin' at you), but I'm guessing someone pointed out the Villa Pizza computer takeover and it was deemed important enough to take action. I feel bad if it was not their mistake, and if that's the case I hope they got a discount. If it was their mistake, I think they may have learned their lesson. Either way I'll probably give them a try sometime, and as a bonus, I won't proofread this post so they can point out my mistakes.

September 21, 2014

Rockin' with the Power of Cheerios

Another cereal company has stumbled onto that current Rock 'n' Roll trend that the damn kids these days love so damn much. If you flip over the current box of Naturally Flavored Honey Nut Cheerios Medley Crunch with Whole Grain Oats, you'll be bombarded with music-themed images and copy designed to get you thinking about the benefits of whole grain oats vis a vis rock n roll.

Over on the General Mills Stage, you'll find the hard-rockin' Buzz. I'm not talking about the guitarist from the Melvins... I mean the cartoon honey bee that is always spiking your plain old Cheerios with mind-altering honey.

And in the center of it all is a hexagonal electronic drum pad. It's a very clever honeycomb reference, to be honest, and if they ever make a commercial out of this, I hope they pay homage to the milk-filled snare of the J. Geils Band. Personally, I love this cereal and eat a box of it every few weeks, so I think it's time to abandon the kid-targeted advertising and aim directly for folks my age and up who can't look at "Rockin' with the POWER of OATS" without filling in the blanks:

A heart healthy diet? John Oates can go for that.

August 19, 2014

Cap'n Communist

So, Cap'n Crunch is not only guilty of impersonating a United States Naval Officer, but now he is flaunting his socialist agenda RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN?!?!

Helping the shoeless? Telling everyone they're a winner?? Letting pink-haired Feminazis train with men??? Consorting with the Japanese, Canadians, and worst of all, people from FR-ANTS when there are able-bodied out of work Veterans all around us???? WAKE UP AMERICA...THIS LIBERAL QUAKER FREAK IS POISONING YOUR BREAKFAST AND YOUR MINDS.

Look at the kid on the left with the Hitler mustache... that will be YOUR CHILD if this Leftist rainbow Crunchberry curriculum flourishes any longer. Write to your Senators NOW and get this cock-eyed Commie deported back to Russia!

July 29, 2014

U Can't See John Cena. His Time is Meow

This is the image change that John Cena desperately needs. As a bonus, it will come with a RoBeast Rollie-designed wraparound T-shirt graphic. WWE, you can send the merch checks directly here. My time is MEOW.

July 18, 2014

No Title

In yet another sign of the Blogpocalpyse, I decided not to renew BeautyAndTheRoBeast.com 's domain. Blogger/Blogspot is still here, obviously, but I figured it wasn't worth paying $omemon.ey for an easy-to-forget launchpad that redirects you to another year of dwindling posts.

I'll still post here whenever I see something ridiculous at the grocery store or... I don't know what else, that's about all I do here now. Here's other stuff I do:









Actually, I don't really alternate side park anymore. That will be my next stop on the disappointment train. 

June 23, 2014

The Taste New England Loves, (No Homophone)

Vermont Maid Syrup, The Taste New England Loves is made in neither Vermont nor New England...

...it's made in Parsippany, NJ. 

Vermont Maid is owned by B&G Foods, which also happens to own Maple Grove Farms of Vermont. Maple Grove Farms of Vermont makes salad dressing, pancake and waffle mixes, candy, and of course, syrup. While they actually do have facilities located in Vermont, they curiously shorten their name to just Maple Grove Farms on the labels of all their syrup products. 

After B&G acquired Maple Grove Farms of Vermont, they pulled the classic Corporate move--saving money by changing the recipe. They started manufacturing their syrup products with syrups from outside of Vermont. Then, the state of Vermont, which has some very strict labeling laws when it comes to syrup, fined them for continuing to represent themselves as Vermont syrup. For B&G, this was a sticky situation and a pun that was so intended, it hurts my teeth. They decided to drop the "Vermont" part of Maple Grove Farms of Vermont on their syrup labels. And rather than just call it Maple Grove Farms of, they dropped the "of" part for no extra charge.

So how does B&G get away with Vermont Maid syrup being from my great state of New Jersey? I'm just going to assume that it's all in the spelling. As it stands, Vermont Maid labeling merely implies that their product is enjoyed by New Englanders, some of whom may actually be Vermont residents, and that their syrup is created by crushing female housekeepers with large mechanical presses until they drip enough high fructose corn syrup into the plastic bottle. The fine print does not explain whether the maids used in the process are born in Vermont, conceived in Vermont, reside in Vermont, or simply work in Vermont on a full-time or part-time basis. This is a gray area that the state of Vermont has yet to rule on, so B&G Inc is able to exploit the loop hole for the time being. To assume that Vermont Maid is actually Vermont Made would be an unfortunate mistake.

B&G also has products under the name Old London and New York Style. New York Style's new logo is a giant bold NEW YORK with a tiny STYLE beneath it. You know, because they don't want to confuse people into just reading the part of their name that exploits a city they aren't in.