Facebook is Racist

... against Cheeseburgers. Ok, maybe not racist, but there is definitely rampant meat-product discrimination going on over there.

I tried to change my Facebook name today to Rollie Cheeseburger Hatch. I don't really know why. I just wanted to. My actual middle initial is C, and people are always asking what it stands for, so I figured I'd just go with Cheeseburger. Plus, I had a really good cheeseburger on Saturday night at Acme Underground.

Despite my knowing attempt to circumvent Facebook's rules (bullet point 3)...


I went for it. Upon clicking Confirm Request, Facebook immediately switched to DEFCON 3:

"Your name change request has been rejected by our automated approval system."

So sad. I tried three more times just to make sure I didn't fuck up somewhere in the one step process. I didn't.

Not one to let The Man defeat me, I went for an alternate dairy-meat dream-meal. Quesoburguesa sounded good, but didn't stay true to my actual C-lead middle name. I needed one that would thwart the "automated approval system" and survive processing limbo where my submission would face up to 24 hours of interrogation by the Facebook KGB.

A half hour later, I have become Rollie Cheesesteak Hatch.

Why, Facebook? Why Cheesesteak, but not Cheeseburger? Why do you automatically assume that someone could not really be named Cheeseburger? There is a dude that changed his hame to Trout Fishing in America in 1994. How the hell is he going to get a Facebook account approved?

It's time for another highly unscientific RoBeast experiment. (In the interest of getting this expose published already, I will be updating the results throughout the day.)

Acceptable:

• Cheesesteak
  
• Chickennugget
• Chopped Liver
• Castlevania
  

Unacceptable:

• Cheeseburger

Undetermined (AKA too impatient):

• Chuck Wagon
  

I have also chosen to publish the news of this unfortunate setback in Cheeseburger history on Wikipedia. (note - this was considered "junk" and removed that night)

Good product, Bad name

On Saturday I self-prescribed Prosacea for my self-diagnosed Rosacea. I've been using it less than the recommended 3 times a day, but it's still been working quite well so far. My skin is not dried, flaky, or red in any of my trouble spots.

Oh, one quick aside about trouble. My office was in trouble the other day. You know how I know? The trouble button lit up. Seriously.

Where the hell do I work? The fucking Batcave?

Ok, back to the oddly named Prosacea. Doesn't the name seem to imply that it supports Rosacea? Yes, it's a sort-of-clever portmanteau, but I imagine it should've been called Anti-sacea. Or NO-sacea! They probably threw the "Pro" up there just so people would accidentally buy it, thinking they had a Proactiv product in their hands. Sneaky marketing pricks.

Personally, I amazed that I even bought something that says "homeopathic" right on the box, but I refuse to argue with the results. I've really put it to the test too, packing in all of the activities that tend to bust mad caps in my face - walking around Brooklyn in the cold, drinking a bunch of beers at Duff's (with Master Gio, Wally Chung, Alan, & my girlfriend who has no website that I'm aware of so I'll give Alan another free plug), eating a shitload of hot wings at Down the Hatch, weightlifting, running, and making fuck.

The box does not lie though. It is now Tuesday and I'm still enjoying healthier looking and feeling skin. Conspicuously absent from that list "sulfur stankin' skin," though I can't say I'm exactly enjoying that. Sulfur is the only active ingredient in the gel, and because I apply right next to my nostrils, I don't have much of a choice but to smell it until the stuff wears off. It's not a completely horrible smell though and I don't think anyone else can detect it.

Rory will be the true test.