FAILING

I am still failing at health, which is causing me to take NyQuil, which is causing me to fail at sleep, hence, wide awake at 7 am on Sunday morning. I keep having insane dreams about rock 'n' roll, gymnastics, New Years, arson, and aviation. Lots of rapid fire action. It's the void that gets filled because I don't watch TV.

I was planning to get new glasses this weekend, but I can't motivate myself to do it. I only get glasses when I need them, ie. my prescription jumps dramatically, old glasses snap in half from sleeping on top of them too much, or the time I developed an eye callus and was banned from wearing contacts for 6 months starting immediately in the optometrist's chair and had to walk 10 blocks in NYC blind, by myself, and with dialated pupils to the glasses place. So I always pick the cheapest, quickest glasses in the store. This is the first time I'll be shopping for glasses that I just want to look good. Get it? LOOK GOOD! OMG I RULE.

No, actually, I fail, as I mentioned before. I went to Lenscrafters' incredibly annoying website to browse frames, rather than walk the half-block to the actual Lenscrafters store and have to come in to contact with salespeople. This was just as frustrating though. I didn't know what I was looking for and therefore had no direction. Normally when I shop I know exactly what I'm looking for and have to just dig until I find it. I rarely employ the shopping blind technique. Much to my surprise, I discovered a quiz designed to help me learn my "frame personality." Awesome!

Not exactly. Not since the SATs have I seen a more culturally biased quiz.

I couldn't answer any question except for number 10, so I gave up on the whole thing and played Tetris instead. Tetris is something that did not me fail me, though it nearly drove me insane. I dialed in on the Tetris Sprint challenge where you need to complete 40 lines in the fastest time possible. My current record was just under 2 minutes. Playing solo was boring, so I went to the area where you play other people. This always makes me play faster, partially because of the competition, but also because the screen is smaller and the next piece is closer to my peripheral vision. Unfortunately, any record breaking time in multiplayer mode would not be reflected in my solo scores. I had several excellent times, so I went back to solo ready to conquer the world (the sad world that only I live in).

I could not do it though. I hit a wall and I hit it hard. For about 3 hours I could not break 2 minutes. Lifetime Movie starring Tracy Gold after Lifetime Movie starring Tracy Gold repeated in the background of the room while I stared at falling colored blocks. The RoBeastress washed her laundry and gave me dirty looks. Then she dried her laundry and the looks grew more concerned. Then she folded her laundry and pleaded out of desperation for me to stop playing Tetris. "I can't stop until I break my record." I said, "Then we can do anything you want."

I finally cried Uncle calling Tetris Fatigue and backed off the computer. The RoBeastress was happy, but I knew I would be thinking about that unbroken record for the rest of the night. I looked back at the laptop and realized that backing away from the screen may be just what I needed to win. Sitting farther away recreated the smaller screen used in multiplayer mode and I quickly beat that damn score, jumped up in the air and threw my fists up victoriously. 40 lines in 1:50.22. Maybe I sound insane, but this made me so incredibly happy on an angry Saturday. I think I'm going to get one of these "Don't Mess With Tetris" T-shirts.

Next post, I'll tell how we celebrated my victory (no, it wasn't more Tracy Gold Lifetime Movies).

As they say, BOAST POST

This photo may not look like anything special to you, but this was my greatest Scrabble moment of 2008.

The RoBeastress and I went to a holiday party a few weekends back, hosted by WallyChung.com and Alan Negativepop. The party was awesome. A lot of people were at the party. It was a jam session. It really whipped a horse's ass.

I drank a lot of beer and ate a lot of rad food that Wally and Alan whipped up, such as poutine and baked ziti for the 4th night in a row. Then I drank more beer. We also played a wacky party game called Werewolf which involved me getting constantly (and erroneously) killed. This gave me more time to drink more and more beer.

It was finally time to go, so we walked to the train. It was fuhreezing and the train was taking 4eva so I fired up the Scrabble app on my cell phone to distract us. We chose our sides and the phone chose the first player randomly. Then it threw me the right tiles to play SECRETS - double points and a bingo on the opening move! In retrospect, I should've ended with the S in the center square so I could have gotten some extra points for a double C, but whatever, I was drunk (like in the last post which I failed to mention)!

Anyway, it's not the first time I've gotten a bingo on the opening move, so it wasn't that big of a deal, but it definitely worth some bragging points over the RoBeastress. I passed her the phone and got a glare back. She dicked around for a few minutes while I wandered around the station taking lameass macro photos with my camera. GUAR, she hands me, whatever that means.

I discover that I now have a blank tile to work with, and because I placed an S in the center, I make it my mission to come up with a 7 letter noun. A few minutes later, I've got APRICOTS!, a second consecutive bingo!!, a triple word score!!!, 86 points!!!!, a happy dance!!!!!, and a solid lead in to what may be my best game against the RoBeastress!!!!!!

We have yet to finish this game, but I am currently leading 263 to 103. I am not going to rest on my laurels because the RoBeastress is a extraordinary Scrabble Assassin, though the odds are in my favor as many of the good letters are already on the board. She's logged more victories in our head-to-head battles, so I'm pleased to be chipping away at her lead.

Speaking of being an overcompetitive douchebag... I've been playing a shitpotload of Tetris online. Or Tetris Friends or whatever it's called these days. I saw some Facebook friends playing and figured I'd join in. I started by destroying all their high scores. Then Cindy reclaimed them and the war began. Despite having redeveloped Tetris Syndrome when I try to go to sleep, I have to say that the new Tetris versions are a lot of fun. It's not just "play as long as you can for a lot of points" any more. Now there are speed events to complement the endurance ones. It's like the decathalon of Tetris now, if "deca" meant 5 and "thalon" meant "don't do anything physical outside, just play Tetris online. And there is also a new feature (new to me at least) called "hold" which allows you (surprise) hold a piece for later (fellator). Also, there is a "ghost piece" that shows up on the bottom where your piece is projected to fall. I have learned that the old way of playing Tetris is not good enough anymore and I'm learning to evolve with the times. I would definitely prefer to play with a two-button Nintendo controller because I'm actually getting finger cramps from using the keyboard, especially in the speed rounds. This new Tetris is definitely easier and more forgiving than classic Tetris (you can infinitely rotate a piece to keep it from being permanently placed), but the new features and scoring opportunities keep the replayablility factor high. As long as I don't get to this point, I'll be fine.

I should also mention that I somehow pwned the RoBeastress' family at the Jewish Version of Apples to Apples. Score one for the Atheist Goy Wonder.