Showing posts with label You Lose American Asshole. Show all posts
Showing posts with label You Lose American Asshole. Show all posts
August 15, 2010
May 19, 2010
American Express: The Gift That Gives To Itself
Today I started using my first big boy wallet. There's no velcro or a hole to attach a chain, no dated tribal designs or embroidered elephants, and it isn't made out of duct tape. It's just a boring bi-fold leather thing that won't seem to stay closed on its own. Even though I just tossed out a lot of extraneous plastic and paper (FYI--I stopped carrying my Ren & Stimpy Yak Shaving Day card when it expired back in '00), I still have too much crap in it.
There's one item that seems to be getting smaller since I first received it though--an American Express Gift Card in the amount of $50. I received it from a boss of mine as a work incentive for doing something I can't recall years ago. My plan was pool it together with other gift certificates I'd received from the company and buy myself a laptop.
Well, as it turns out, American Express cards don't sit around and wait for you to spend them. Like regular credit cards, they expire, but... the fucking money disappears from them years before the expiration date. Let me blow up the fine print for you:
"Subject to $2.00 monthly service fee applies, but is waived for the first 12 months after purchase."
My $50 gift card that I just activated for the first time today is actually only worth $38 (if I use it today, that is). Doing the math, this means American Express started deducting its "fee" 6 months ago, and the card was purchased 18 total months ago. The card "expires" in July 2011. Yeah, the fucking $12 that would still be left on it in July 2011. Considering that American Express actually charges $3.95 for a $50 card in the first place, this is a real scam and a half.
Is it my fault for not reading the fine print and spending the money sooner? Sure, I guess it is a little bit, but seriously, who would assume that a gift card would have strings attached? besides the obvious and reasonable expiration date, of course. But who in their right mind would assume that a service fee would be applied TO SOMETHING THAT'S NOT EVEN BEING USED. Serve me, and then I can see you collecting service fee. I mean, it's a gift, and they're cool with robbing from it? American Express can lick Ticketmaster's fucking taint while it gets a dinosaur diarrhea burrito stuck up its ass.
Sorry, I've been watching too much Angry Video Game Nerd.
There's one item that seems to be getting smaller since I first received it though--an American Express Gift Card in the amount of $50. I received it from a boss of mine as a work incentive for doing something I can't recall years ago. My plan was pool it together with other gift certificates I'd received from the company and buy myself a laptop.
Well, as it turns out, American Express cards don't sit around and wait for you to spend them. Like regular credit cards, they expire, but... the fucking money disappears from them years before the expiration date. Let me blow up the fine print for you:
"Subject to $2.00 monthly service fee applies, but is waived for the first 12 months after purchase."
My $50 gift card that I just activated for the first time today is actually only worth $38 (if I use it today, that is). Doing the math, this means American Express started deducting its "fee" 6 months ago, and the card was purchased 18 total months ago. The card "expires" in July 2011. Yeah, the fucking $12 that would still be left on it in July 2011. Considering that American Express actually charges $3.95 for a $50 card in the first place, this is a real scam and a half.
Is it my fault for not reading the fine print and spending the money sooner? Sure, I guess it is a little bit, but seriously, who would assume that a gift card would have strings attached? besides the obvious and reasonable expiration date, of course. But who in their right mind would assume that a service fee would be applied TO SOMETHING THAT'S NOT EVEN BEING USED. Serve me, and then I can see you collecting service fee. I mean, it's a gift, and they're cool with robbing from it? American Express can lick Ticketmaster's fucking taint while it gets a dinosaur diarrhea burrito stuck up its ass.
Sorry, I've been watching too much Angry Video Game Nerd.
June 18, 2009
Anniversary of an Interesting Event
So you weren't impressed by yesterday's anniversary? Turns out there are a few other important dates coming up to mark on your calendarias. The RoBeastress' birthday is coming up soon, for instance. It's on the same day as the United States' Independence Day. A few weeks ago I went to Target and purchased a corny patriotic outfit to wear for the occasion, but I now wish that I had held out for a "God Bless the USA - I Love My Country" T-Shirt, symbolically priced at $7.04 (on sale until 7/4).
When I opened up the newspaper this morning, I saw that A&W Restaurant is celebrating its 90th anniversary this year. To commemorate the event, they are offering up Papa Burgers for the special price of 90 cents on Father's Day. I've never been to one of these restaurants because Stewart's Restaurants are closer, but that A&W burger looks purdy tasty even in B&W.
Not to be out-done, out-burgered, or out-anniversary priced, I heard on the radio that White Castle is having a similar birthday tie-in. The White Castle Slider is apparently celebrating its 88th year of meathood this year. For the next few weeks you'll find on the menu 88-cent Double Cheeseburgers or a 10-pack of regulars sliders for $4.88. You can also bypass the whole payment all together and get a free slider with this coupon. I've already used up my allotted single-trip to White Castle this year, so I'll be forking over the extra penny in 2010.
Another American favorite celebrating a milestone is Starbucks' 13-shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel. It turns 1376 years old this year and can be purchased at participating locations for only $13.76. Puke one up today!
When I opened up the newspaper this morning, I saw that A&W Restaurant is celebrating its 90th anniversary this year. To commemorate the event, they are offering up Papa Burgers for the special price of 90 cents on Father's Day. I've never been to one of these restaurants because Stewart's Restaurants are closer, but that A&W burger looks purdy tasty even in B&W.Not to be out-done, out-burgered, or out-anniversary priced, I heard on the radio that White Castle is having a similar birthday tie-in. The White Castle Slider is apparently celebrating its 88th year of meathood this year. For the next few weeks you'll find on the menu 88-cent Double Cheeseburgers or a 10-pack of regulars sliders for $4.88. You can also bypass the whole payment all together and get a free slider with this coupon. I've already used up my allotted single-trip to White Castle this year, so I'll be forking over the extra penny in 2010.
Another American favorite celebrating a milestone is Starbucks' 13-shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel. It turns 1376 years old this year and can be purchased at participating locations for only $13.76. Puke one up today!
March 9, 2009
Bland is the New Quirk
I feel like I've been mandated by the people today to talk about the new Snapple bottles. We've had the new Orangeade bottles for a few weeks now, but I guess nobody noticed. I think that was originally the point for the update: no one was buying the Snapple juices, so they gave them a new package and more sugar. Today, I put out several other new flavors, and it's all I've been hearing all morning. We even had a fire in the building today (well, technically, on the building) but Snapple is the only thing on people's mindz.
This blog comes just on the heels of the Great Tropicana Complaint, which resulted in Pepsico recalling the updated design. I don't anticipate Snapple doing the same thing, but it's amazing what complaining will get you. Just as a reminder, I didn't have any serious complaints about the Tropicana design, other than the color coding issues between flavors. It seems that I have the same exact complaint for this new Snapple bottle, specifically on the diet bottles. I'm not worried about telling the difference between Snapple and generic teas, but I can not tell the difference between diet flavors quick enough. Diet Peach Tea is a very similar color to the Diet Lemonade Iced Tea. I know that I have the ability to read, but I work with dozens of cases of Snapple at a time, and the lack of definitive color differences slows me down. The regular flavored tea and juice seem to have held on to their original color schemes, but the diets have been completely overhauled. I can imagine this will bother consumers.
Actually, I don't need to imagine because quite a number of them have mentioned this to me today. The other big problem the has everyone freaking out is the lack of the safety plastic around the cap. Maybe in reality, there's no real protection with those plastic things, but to consumers, they're used to the security feature and aren't too keen on giving them up. There's still the pop up cap, but it looks like that's the extent. Snapple bottles are now as unhygienic as... gasp... cans!
Other than that, the bottles are slim (and taller), smooth (non-textured glass other than the "S" logo on top), and serious (no more quirky notes in the margins). If those things keep costs from rising, then that's fine with me. Every bottle and their cute little copy is trying to flirt with me anyway and it's gotten lame. Don't they know that Bland is the new Quirk.
All right, you want pictures? You got it.
Here are two different Diet Snapple Teas. QUICK, PICK YOUR FAVORITE!
IT'S TOO LATE, YOU PICKED THE WRONG YELLOWISH BOTTLE WITH YELLOWISH FRUIT! YOU LOSE, AMERICAN ASSHOLE!
Here are two more bottles. Both are Orangeade, but has the old school green juice cap and the other has the silver robocap of the future! DROP YOUR WEAPONS!
Here's some more fun cap action. Lemonade on the left, Raspberry on the right, and the bastard child in the center. I have a feeling that with the new bottle transition, they've been putting any old cap on bottles and sending them out just to get rid of them.
Here's a closeup of the new serious bottle.
Another close-up but a little more focused now. This one reveals the odd similarities between the "Made From Green & Black Tea Leaves" and the Green & Black's organic chocolate logo.
Is this a coincidence? Dear reader? Is it?
This blog comes just on the heels of the Great Tropicana Complaint, which resulted in Pepsico recalling the updated design. I don't anticipate Snapple doing the same thing, but it's amazing what complaining will get you. Just as a reminder, I didn't have any serious complaints about the Tropicana design, other than the color coding issues between flavors. It seems that I have the same exact complaint for this new Snapple bottle, specifically on the diet bottles. I'm not worried about telling the difference between Snapple and generic teas, but I can not tell the difference between diet flavors quick enough. Diet Peach Tea is a very similar color to the Diet Lemonade Iced Tea. I know that I have the ability to read, but I work with dozens of cases of Snapple at a time, and the lack of definitive color differences slows me down. The regular flavored tea and juice seem to have held on to their original color schemes, but the diets have been completely overhauled. I can imagine this will bother consumers.
Actually, I don't need to imagine because quite a number of them have mentioned this to me today. The other big problem the has everyone freaking out is the lack of the safety plastic around the cap. Maybe in reality, there's no real protection with those plastic things, but to consumers, they're used to the security feature and aren't too keen on giving them up. There's still the pop up cap, but it looks like that's the extent. Snapple bottles are now as unhygienic as... gasp... cans!
Other than that, the bottles are slim (and taller), smooth (non-textured glass other than the "S" logo on top), and serious (no more quirky notes in the margins). If those things keep costs from rising, then that's fine with me. Every bottle and their cute little copy is trying to flirt with me anyway and it's gotten lame. Don't they know that Bland is the new Quirk.
All right, you want pictures? You got it.
Here are two different Diet Snapple Teas. QUICK, PICK YOUR FAVORITE!
IT'S TOO LATE, YOU PICKED THE WRONG YELLOWISH BOTTLE WITH YELLOWISH FRUIT! YOU LOSE, AMERICAN ASSHOLE!Here are two more bottles. Both are Orangeade, but has the old school green juice cap and the other has the silver robocap of the future! DROP YOUR WEAPONS!
Here's some more fun cap action. Lemonade on the left, Raspberry on the right, and the bastard child in the center. I have a feeling that with the new bottle transition, they've been putting any old cap on bottles and sending them out just to get rid of them.
Here's a closeup of the new serious bottle.
Another close-up but a little more focused now. This one reveals the odd similarities between the "Made From Green & Black Tea Leaves" and the Green & Black's organic chocolate logo.
Is this a coincidence? Dear reader? Is it?
February 2, 2009
New Fangled Spangleds
I flicked on Animal Planet last night in time to catch Pepper the Parrot sing the National Anthem at Puppy Bowl V. His performance has broken into my list of the "Star Spangled Banner" versions. Everyone's always talking about Whitney's version. Fuck that. These are the best.
Here is Pepper the Parrot's graceful rendition.
Enrico Pallazzo aka Lt. Frank Drebin aka Leslie Nielsen in The Naked Gun. This is version of the lyrics that I most often choose to sing.
Roseanne got a lot of shit for version, but at least she knows the words. She never claimed to be a singer. This audience was full of assholes.
I've never heard Marvin Gaye sing a bum note. He could do whatever the fuck he wanted with any song and would always kill it. I get chills by the end of this version when the audience finally warms up to it.
Carl Lewis had all the confidence of Marvin Gaye, but very little of the musical talent. I wish I could find a full version of this. I'll make up for it now.
I remember En Vogue doing an awesome version at one of those MTV Rock N Jock shitz back in the early 90's. This one is probably a little faster than that one, but still insane:
Radiohead made their own unique version of "The National Anthem" where they changed all of the lyrics and all of the music. Ok, so it's not "The Star Spangled Banner" at all, but it's an awesome song from Kid A. And here's a fun amateur video to go along with it:
This version is actually very faithful, except for when the announcer adds his own harmonies at 1:05 that accidentally go out over the air.
Speaking of hockey...
And finally, Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock. I wanted to present the Liquid Television's Stick Figure Theater version, but all traces have been removed from EVERYWHERE online. So enjoy the original.
Here is Pepper the Parrot's graceful rendition.
Enrico Pallazzo aka Lt. Frank Drebin aka Leslie Nielsen in The Naked Gun. This is version of the lyrics that I most often choose to sing.
Roseanne got a lot of shit for version, but at least she knows the words. She never claimed to be a singer. This audience was full of assholes.
I've never heard Marvin Gaye sing a bum note. He could do whatever the fuck he wanted with any song and would always kill it. I get chills by the end of this version when the audience finally warms up to it.
Carl Lewis had all the confidence of Marvin Gaye, but very little of the musical talent. I wish I could find a full version of this. I'll make up for it now.
I remember En Vogue doing an awesome version at one of those MTV Rock N Jock shitz back in the early 90's. This one is probably a little faster than that one, but still insane:
Radiohead made their own unique version of "The National Anthem" where they changed all of the lyrics and all of the music. Ok, so it's not "The Star Spangled Banner" at all, but it's an awesome song from Kid A. And here's a fun amateur video to go along with it:
This version is actually very faithful, except for when the announcer adds his own harmonies at 1:05 that accidentally go out over the air.
Speaking of hockey...
And finally, Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock. I wanted to present the Liquid Television's Stick Figure Theater version, but all traces have been removed from EVERYWHERE online. So enjoy the original.
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