Canis Interruptus

Double the dog action last night. The first dream was actually about something totally unrelated to dogs or pets. It was about a film festival that my bandmates Kirk and Wally entered. But within the film, there was a clip of a small dog being walked on a beach. The dog had long fake wings attached to its back. It tripped over itself at some point and started humping its own wings. It was fucking hilarious and everyone in the theater (The Dream Theater) LOL'd their A-HOLES off. I actually recorded this all on video on my digital camera during my dream, but for some reason, that doesn't carry over to IRL.

Then there was a fire drill and everyone had to evacuate the theater before we got to see this clip that does actually exist:

So I walked into the bathroom and there was a big line. It turned out that it was just a crowd gathered to watch the girl that kept flushing the urinal on herself, so I cut ahead. A guy walked up next to me and flopped his dick into the sink. He yelled "PISS, DICK! PISS" and then started spraying urine all over the wall like a fire hose. I woke up not covered in piss. (Long story).

A few hours later I went to sleep again and had yet ANOTHER DOG HUMPING DREAM. This time the dog was much larger and it was humping ME. I couldn't shake him off so I threw my keys to the concrete in order to distract him. It didn't work. I guess dogs don't give a shit about Honda Civics. So this dog is humping my back and slobbering on my neck and I'm freaking out. Finally I wokededed up and found my lady spooning me and kissing my neck. I think she was probably dreaming about buying shoes or something.

Who Let the Dogs In?

Short answer: The Jerky Boys.

Long answer: I should've had a jream last night about getting into a car accident, or being decapitated, or some other gruesome untimely mutilation. I've always been afraid of planes and constantly think about dying in one, but a couple years ago, that obsession evolved into being fearful of all transportation. Having to drive to work every day was torture for a while. I've gotten over most of the issues and have calm panic attack-free commutes these days (I did get into one car accident, but there was no blood other than what Allstate squeezed from me).

So yesterday when a co-worker pulled me into her cube to show me some disgusting accident pictures someone emailed her, it didn't latch onto my subconscious. In fact, I chuckled when I saw how silly the corpse looked cut in half (oops). Like many grotesque internet photos (goatse, electrocuted deer on a power line, the photoshop of a woman's breast and a water lotus), the picture is still burned in my head, but it's not keeping me up at night. Not even the numerous decapitations of Hermes in the Futurama movie I watched yesterday (and by watched, of course I mean fell asleep after the first hour) ruined dreamland for me.

Instead, and for the second time in a week, I was violently awoken after being attacked by domesticated animals. Last week it was cats scratching my face off and last night it was a few large growling dogs trying to eat my face. I blame three things for having dogs on the brain:

1. A 911 call I heard a few weeks ago of an old lady being attacked by her neighbor's pit bulls
2. A Jerky Boys phone call I listened to yesterday - they dial up a dog obedience trainer and leave a message with canine growling SFX and screams of pain
3. My adorable girlfriend's adorable snore that adorably sounds like an small, adorable angry puppy

The Tylenol Cold medicine I took right before bed probably didn't help either (Jruggin' & Jreamin'). As with the cat dream, I was probably only asleep for a few minutes, but jumped up with a gasp for air and a surge of adrenaline that I just don't want at midnight before a work day. Why dogs and cats? Why do they want to kill me? What did I ever do to them?

This is the "nut opinion" (and I thank Penn Jillette for coining that phrase for Third Party Thinkers everywhere): I recently added Dogbook and Catbook to my social networking repertoire. I was already pretty wary of Facebook in the first place, but I did it anyway. All this human and pet interaction is totally freaking me out and my subconscious is now occupied by a technowarzone of Dogs, Cats, and Faces. And like Freddie Krueger, they have chosen my beauty sleep as the landscape for their dream warrior battle ground.

I should just be glad I'm not dreaming about Books.

Jreams

I had a dream last night that I finally completed my first blog entry for Beauty and the Robeast. Did it come true?