Lo, I have returned to you. Yes, it has been a long time since I have posted here. Rollie has had to keep the dream alive in my absence. To recap: I got my heartbroken by an edouche, I went out on a grudgefuck date, I got pregnant, I had the baby. I did not post during my pregnancy because gestating a small human eats your brain. I was like a little old man with dementia. The baby ate all my words. I would wander around my house asking people things like, "what's the word for that party they throw you for the baby? We just had mine?" Oh right, BABY SHOWER. Right, thanks." My brain was mush. I missed every appointment unless it was written down. I sat quietly for hours and had to eat bland foods, or I would have DIED from explosive heartburn. Seriously, I thought I was going to have to go the hospital several times for HEARTBURN. How pathetic is that? I never knew heartburn could feel like a fucking heart attack. That's all behind me now, and I have a beautiful baby girl. I will post more about this phenomenon called motherhood later. Today, I come to you to talk very seriously about an issue that is affecting this great nation: teabagging.Yes, I have come out of my crusty retirement to talk to you about men dipping their balls in and on things. Before we precede any further, I feel we should take this break to review that hilarious State skit about Jesus and his disciple Louie also known as he who would like to dip his balls in it.
Listen, much like Jesus I love everybody. Wait that's a lie, I don't love everybody, but I do defend everyone's right to publicly make a complete ass of themselves. Which is why, when I turned on my TV in the midst of my own special reaming by the tax man on April 15th and saw the Republican Conservatives, they who would outlaw gay sex, shrieking over the public airwaves that they wanted to teabag the President...well, I lost it. I got down on my knees and howled with laughter over the delicious irony of the whole thing. There's nothing like seeing a rich old Grandma who believes it is a sin for homosexuals to have sex talking about how she would like to DIP HER BALLS in an elected official's mouth. Bonus points if that elected official holds the highest office in the land. Lordie. It's not every day you see something like that. Usually, you have to pay extra to see something like that if you know what I mean, and obviously, sadly, many of you do not.
When I pointed this out on Facebook several of my more conservative "acquaintances" went off on me and called me out for having a liberal slant and ridiculing their right to protest. People, I may be the liberal here, but I'm not the one talking about how I want to teabag the President. I also fully support anyone's right to protest; this does not shield you from my right to laugh my
ass off when you act the fool. Nothing says I am totally disconnected from the world and politically incoherent like a good 'ole teabagging rally stirred up and fomented by a Dick Armey. Like it isn't hard enough to take a man named Dick Armey seriously, no, he has to make it even harder by inviting us all to a big 'ole teabag rally. Yes really, an ARMY of Conservative dicks talking about how they want to dip their balls in it. Seriously? I cannot write this material. It writes itself. I could labor for hours and hours and never come up with anything as funny as this is. I find it amazing that not only do people under 40 not know what teabagging is (I've had to explain it several times to people my OWN age recently), but that not one of these "smart" people who know what is best for this country are capable of running a word through a simple google search with moderate safesearch off. It's not like "teabagging" is a new phenomenon. Us liberals didn't make it up to shame you conservatives. Teabagging is a fairly well-known sexual euphemism. It has passed far enough into our pop culture to feature in a John Waters movie from 1998 called Pecker, but in the words of Mr. Waters himself:- "Teabagging" is by my definition the act of dragging your testicles across your partner's forehead. In the UK it is dipping your testicles in your partner's mouth. I didn't invent the term or the act but DID introduce it to film in my movie "Pecker." "Teabagging" was a popular dance step that male go-go boys did to their customers for tips at The Atlantis, a now defunct bar in Baltimore. Hope this helps. -- John Waters via Boing Boing)
I cannot believe that not one single person at FOX News, the purveryors of about a 100 "teabag" commercials, did not know that teabag had a less than savory definition. Today, I would like to celebrate these TRUE American heroes the underpaid minions who let it slide. For every assistant producer, for every junior fact-checker and copywriter that silently giggled to themselves and kept their mouths shut, I personally would like to thank you for bringing this country the greatest dick and ball joke it has possibly ever seen on a national level. And, if truly, none of these people really knew what teabagging meant, then I can only imagine that it was the will of GOD that let this series of hilarious circumstances come to pass. For an agnostic, this actually strengthens my faith in the divine because if the universe has a sense of humor, we may yet have hope in this mad, mad world.
