A quick one before I begin what better be a sunny weekend in NJ

A couple weeks ago I bought 12 Angry Months, the new Local H album. And I finally listened to it. While I'm not going to give you a full review here, I just wanted to give you some highlights (like Bob Ross would do if you were a happy little tree).

- It's a concept album. Each song represents a month of a year after a break-up.

- Local H usually has pretty decent song titles. "Jesus Christ! Did You See The Size Of That Sperm Whale?" is my favorite on this album because it is particularly Don Caballero-esque. Title-wise, I mean. Local H sounds nothing like Don Cab.

- "The One With 'Kid'" is the album opener and is a rad song. It's a song that the Foo Fighters are too fucking pretentious now to write. And I'm going to show you the lyrics, and you're going to say "those lyrics are so fucking pretentious, what is that asshole RoBeast talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Yeah, well fuck you! The song is about wanting your shit back from an ex-girlfriend. It really happens, and it really makes people angry.

Give me my Zeppelin CD's.
You know you took 'em. You know you did.
Where's my Pretenders record?
You know the one. The one with "Kid."
Where's all my AC/DC's?
My Interpol? My Libertines?
Where's all my Kyuss records?
You never liked them until you met me!

And no, I never lent my Kyuss records to any girlfriends, but we're all missing things, so I can sympathize. And get pissed too!

My version would be:

Give me back my "Your Mother" hat.
I should've got it when I gave you your crap.
Where's my book about early Hardcore?
I read it once, but I wanna read it more!
Where's my cool green hoodie?
Ah, you probably don't remember because that was like eleven years ago
and I think I gave it to you anyway so I really shouldn't expect it back
Not that it matters, I can replace all this stuff.
I say 'all this stuff' like it's even a lot of stuff.
3 stupid things over the course of 14 years of relationships isn't such a bad track record
which is why I don't write angry songs about breakups like Local H does

WHATEVERT. I'm angrier at Dave Grohl than I am all of my ex-girlfriends combined. BUT, I'm going to add the track to my myspace page so y'all can hear it legally. How 'bout them apples? Read my fucking blogs there if you're bored. Hopefully, I'll be on the beach thinking of more shitty entries to write on Monday.

Oh, I found out recently that I have Local H's autograph. I apparently bought a used Local H CD that the two dudes from the band had signed. Whoop-de-shit! I really don't give a fuck about autographs, but I'll add it to my collection (that consists of Mike Patton and Michelle Branch) anyway.

A Half Hour Dump

Sorry for being an endangered species lately... I have been Internetless at home for the past week and have actually decided to eat lunch during my lunch hour at work. I've got a meeting in 40 minutes, so this will be a smelly stream of crap.

I went to a dog's birthday party this past weekend. I thought it was absurd. Because she's only 1 and probably won't remember.

I made a prank video conference call last week. I accidentally dialed a number where people were sitting in a meeting on the other end, but they didn't have their monitors on, so they had no idea I connected. After a minute of eavesdropping, I decided to call the regular telephone in the room and hung up just as they reached for it. Then I giggled. Then I did it again. That's entertainment.

I bought some pizza on Monday night. I also bought pizza last night. Saturday night too. Not Sunday though. I don't know how I missed Sunday. Sunday I had meat loaf and mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese and then I slept for 10 hours. I never sleep for that long. I think slices of pizza are my energon cubes.

Anyway, on the way back from getting pizza on Monday, I walked down the always exciting Newark Ave. to my apartment. I saw a dude on the sidewalk with what I think was a physical defect. From afar it looked like he was daydreaming, but as I got closer I realized his neck appeared to be crooked and his head was permanently tilted towards the sky. As I passed by, he said "What's up, man?" That's what I was wondering too.

I coined a word on the way to work this morning, but now I don't remember it at all. My brain is getting more and more useless every day. Back when I used to drink Mountain Dew every day, I was much sharper and way more creative. I also didn't sleep at night because I had the opportunity to nap during the day.

I hate this post right now. I'm also wasting precious time trying to remember what that word was that I came up with earlier. Did it refer to my Internetless household? Going off the grid? I'm afraid it may be lost forever. Curse LG for not having a proper voice memo function on my cell phone. Curse Creative Labs for making an mp3 player that shit the bed after a year. Who instigated this Technological Slave Revolt? I'll hang him with Cat-5 cables.

Fuck, I was wrong about my meeting. It's starting now. Maybe everyone's watches will stop.

SPORTS!

Pinchers and Catheters are currently reporting for 2008 Spring Training... also ball hitting jokes and Yankees and blah blah blah baseball is dumb.






















Speaking of Cock and Ball Torture, this is exciting:



And now more Sports!



And then more about Balls!




And finally, one more about Sports...

This song is a by a band we played with in Brooklyn in 2006 called Big Daddy Project. They were all big tough biker-looking dudes dressed in all black, and they brought their own stadium-sized applause SFX to further intimidate, but their music was actually pretty silly. Which you will find out if you stop reading and click on the link already.

PS - I couldn't finish Batman Begins. I do however, recommend Confessions of Superhero, a documentary (surprise).

Sic Sic Sic

Sorry boys and girls, the Ro-beast is sick today, so I will not be going out and buying a USA Today to extract rhetorical questions. Maybe tomorrow if I'm feeling better.

Here's a really good movie coming to theaters near you soon.

Helvetigasm

Three Quarters Assed Blog

I still am not publishing anything of substance, but at least this time, I'm going to provide links to things at least 75% interesting.

1. Everything you've ever wanted to know about the many variations of the Suplex.
2. Guillotine of Fire: the free 6-Song EP that my band, Plowing Mud Forever has finally released.
3. Your final chance to play the Bogglific, Facebook's Boggle knock-off, since it received its Cease and Desist order from Hasbro, Inc.
4. The Greatest Record Review Website on the Internet.

I think that's going to be it. Yeah. It is. Click on three of those and we both will have accomplished what was expected of us. Click on four and I will refuse to be responsible for how mutated your babies come out.

Jreams

I had a dream last night that I finally completed my first blog entry for Beauty and the Robeast. Did it come true?