QUICK PICKS FROM VACAY

Last week I went to the Dominican Republic.

But first I stopped in Nilbog and ate some of the townsfolk's homemade pasta.

Then I turned into a fish and puked green liquid everywhere.

I composed myself long enough to run directly into a large white box.

The RoBeastress and I then attempted to be that couple.


But the Canadians had us beat.

Back on the JetBlue plane, XM Radio Love Song FAIL.

Ok, JetBlue, I get it already. We're still "In The Air Tonight."

Awww, Don Not.

That wasn't funny, jerx.

Bland is the New Quirk

I feel like I've been mandated by the people today to talk about the new Snapple bottles. We've had the new Orangeade bottles for a few weeks now, but I guess nobody noticed. I think that was originally the point for the update: no one was buying the Snapple juices, so they gave them a new package and more sugar. Today, I put out several other new flavors, and it's all I've been hearing all morning. We even had a fire in the building today (well, technically, on the building) but Snapple is the only thing on people's mindz.

This blog comes just on the heels of the Great Tropicana Complaint, which resulted in Pepsico recalling the updated design. I don't anticipate Snapple doing the same thing, but it's amazing what complaining will get you. Just as a reminder, I didn't have any serious complaints about the Tropicana design, other than the color coding issues between flavors. It seems that I have the same exact complaint for this new Snapple bottle, specifically on the diet bottles. I'm not worried about telling the difference between Snapple and generic teas, but I can not tell the difference between diet flavors quick enough. Diet Peach Tea is a very similar color to the Diet Lemonade Iced Tea. I know that I have the ability to read, but I work with dozens of cases of Snapple at a time, and the lack of definitive color differences slows me down. The regular flavored tea and juice seem to have held on to their original color schemes, but the diets have been completely overhauled. I can imagine this will bother consumers.

Actually, I don't need to imagine because quite a number of them have mentioned this to me today. The other big problem the has everyone freaking out is the lack of the safety plastic around the cap. Maybe in reality, there's no real protection with those plastic things, but to consumers, they're used to the security feature and aren't too keen on giving them up. There's still the pop up cap, but it looks like that's the extent. Snapple bottles are now as unhygienic as... gasp... cans!

Other than that, the bottles are slim (and taller), smooth (non-textured glass other than the "S" logo on top), and serious (no more quirky notes in the margins). If those things keep costs from rising, then that's fine with me. Every bottle and their cute little copy is trying to flirt with me anyway and it's gotten lame. Don't they know that Bland is the new Quirk.

All right, you want pictures? You got it.

Here are two different Diet Snapple Teas. QUICK, PICK YOUR FAVORITE!

IT'S TOO LATE, YOU PICKED THE WRONG YELLOWISH BOTTLE WITH YELLOWISH FRUIT! YOU LOSE, AMERICAN ASSHOLE!

Here are two more bottles. Both are Orangeade, but has the old school green juice cap and the other has the silver robocap of the future! DROP YOUR WEAPONS!

Here's some more fun cap action. Lemonade on the left, Raspberry on the right, and the bastard child in the center. I have a feeling that with the new bottle transition, they've been putting any old cap on bottles and sending them out just to get rid of them.

Here's a closeup of the new serious bottle.

Another close-up but a little more focused now. This one reveals the odd similarities between the "Made From Green & Black Tea Leaves" and the Green & Black's organic chocolate logo.


Is this a coincidence? Dear reader? Is it?

Births & Anniversaries

First off, the Beauty's little babe joined IRL earlier this week. Maeve Lililm was born at 7:24 pm on March 3rd. No word on her Twitter name yet. Congratulations, partner.

On to the blogginating. Pearl Jam is re-releasing their debut album Ten along with a remixed version with bonus track on March 24th. I played their crazy Pearl Jam Ten Game in order to unlock tracks from the album so I could (sort of) review them for you. Personally, I've been looking forward to a remix because I think the original version is gross. My first Pearl Jam album was the much slicker Vs. and I've never really been satisfied with Ten, preferring live, remixed, and radio versions of the tracks. Hopefully now, I can stop complaining.

These were the tracks I listened to this morning:

Once - Nice mix, finally. The original Ten had way to much reverb everywhere--on snares, on vocals, on every fart recorded in the isolation booth--and I'm pleased to say that most of it is now gone. The guitars don't sound like the seventies anymore and the vocals don't sound amateur. And the bass is right up there too. I probably would have liked to see some of the mumbly background Vedder-patter removed, but I can deal with it.

Why Go - Again, most of the musical cheese here is gone, so we're just left with the corny lyrics. Yeah, it's their debut album, so they needed some aggressive stuff to go along with the purdy parts. When I personally revist Ten, I really only want to hear "Black", "Oceans", and "Release" because I'm an old pussy now I guess. When I was younger, I would listen to these "tougher, angry" tracks like "Why Go" and "Deep" because I didn't know what tough and angry was yet (Hint: it usually isn't saturated in reverb or wah-wah pedals). Ok, the song still isn't heavier, but it definitely sounds better. I noticed an extra hi-hat hit at the first "Why go home?" part that I never heard before followed by some vocal effects that are actually cornier now than they were 20 years ago. Bad Brendan O'Brien! You lose, American asshole!

Jeremy - Sounds good. I think this was remixed for the video in the first place anyway. The only major differences I hear between this mix and the already remixed remix mix are more defined background vocals throughout and some guitars cleaned up during the verses and towards the end. Actually, the drums sound better too, like they're being hit harder somehow. Improved when I didn't think there was room for improvement.

Breath - A sluggish and unnecessary take. Ok, I can hear the lyrics better, but it's still an inferior version to the one recorded for the Singles soundtrack. I know it's big deal when they do it live, but I don't care for that either. I don't want to clearly hear the line "A breath and a scream." I want to hear the line slur into the next line ("A breath and a s-Oh, reach the door...") because it simply flows better. It's not horrible, but I just can't imagine ever purposely listen to this version.

Brother - This song blows as much as it did in the 90's. I've read that band members used to fight about whether or not to ever play or record this track. This song really shouldn't have seen the light of day. I don't know why any radio stations are playing it now.

Besides "Brother" and "Breath," there are 4 other B-sides being included on the O'Brien remastered disc: "Just a Girl," "State of Love and Trust," "2,000 Mile Blues",and "Evil Little Goat." Of these, I think I'm only famililar with "State of Love and Trust" which again, I don't think can possibly be improved from the Singles movie soundtrack version. I've heard a two second snippet of "State of Love and Trust" and it sounds a little slower, but with the snare in double time. I don't know how I feel about that.

Now you may be asking "Where are the re-recorded versions of 'Alive' and 'Even Flow' I hear still on the radio that Pearl Jam already had done in the 90s for their MTV videos with drummer Dave Abruzzeze that were way better than the Ten versions"? That's what I'm asking too. I don't know the answer. I never owned those versions because they were always on expensive imports, but I thought they were so good that it ruined the album versions for me. I don't think remixes of the original will surpass those versions. They may have been on that Rearviewmirror greatest hits package that came out 5 or so years ago. I didn't buy that, so I don't know. You can do the research.

The 2-disc collection comes with the original Ten (why?) and the O'Brien remix. The Deluxe Edition comes with the MTV Unplugged DVD, which is what I'll probably be picking up. I really hope it's the complete version though, with the unaired "Even Flow," "State of Love and Trust," "Rockin' in the Free World," and "Oceans." The press release only mentions "Oceans" but the website also has "Even Flow" playing. I don't know why they wouldn't just give a complete tracklisting to appease crazies like me who are sitting here wasting precious blogspace wondering all day and night. It's nice to hear that they didn't correct Eddie Vedder's lyrical flub during "Black." Pearl Jam's Lost Dogs B-side compilation album a few years featured lots of vocal recordings on old songs and they were all awkward and inferior.

There's also a vinyl version called the Who Fucking Cares About Vinyl Edition?

The Collector's Edition has all that plus a live concert LP from Seattle entitled "You Probably Don't Need Another Pearl Jam Concert Because We Have Already Released A Thousand, But Here It Is Anyway: Live." You also get a cassette version of the original Pearl Jam demo tape called "Momma-Son." This is the one that was sent as an instrumental to Eddie Vedder and which he sang lyrics over and blah blah blah history. I've heard these tracks before. They're interesting, but like most demos, they're really nothing to ever listen to over and over again. I don't even have a cassette player. Finally, this set comes with an "Eddie Vedder style composition notebook" which I probably would've studied 20 years ago, but now I don't have any time or room for. I can't imagine that it will be as long or as personal as the Kurt Cobain diary anyway. Therefore, I have no intention of spending $125 for all that junk. Even $28 is a tough sell for the Deluxe Edition, when I don't know for sure what's on the DVD and I don't really need another copy of the original Ten mix.

I don't know what else Pearl Jam has in store: "The reissue of Ten serves as the launch of a planned two-year catalogue re-release campaign leading up to the band's 20th anniversary in 2011." Does that mean they'll be giving disc the remix and special packaging treatment? If so, it seems a little like overkill. Especially because I don't want to have to write a blog entry for each one.

Isn't it neurotic? Don't you think?

I just got the memo that Tropicana's new logo is being dumped after only a few months of being out on the market. I'm going to go against the grain today (and my own grain which was already going against the grain) and say that I sorta liked the new design. To me, a giant glass of orange juice is way more appealing to my senses then a sweaty fucking orange impaled by a straw. But enough people disagreed, publicly complained, and Tropicana paid attention.

And wasted a whole bunch of money. Maybe if they had taken the "If it ain't broke" opinion of the complainers, they wouldn't have spent that money in the first place, but how much will Tropicana lose on top of that $35 million having to switch back? I don't know, I don't play for the MBA, but I do understand why big companies don't "Don't fix it." Yes, it's partially selfish. Ok, almost totally selfish (fist shaking at corporations), but change does need to happen. Everything needs a little shot in the ass every once in while, whether it's your job, your music, your fashion, your sex life, your website, your use of the term et cetera, etc. As much as it is commerce, it's art too.

Ok, I admit the color code differentiation between the pulp levels could be a little more distinct, but just looking at these cartons make me want to drink the shit out of some juice, man. I know everything is being 2.0'd to death and I know I bitch about it sometimes, but ease up sheeple. I'm reading blogs about people's kids being upset by the new carton because they think they're getting cheap generic juice now. Fuck you and fuck your stupid kids. Can't they read? It still says Tropicana. You think this is a good message for kids?


Brands are trending towards more generic looks. They refuse to give up their prices, so they're altering their packaging. People will start accidentally buying Tropicana thinking it's Targetcana. That's what they want. Then, generic brands will try to buck the trend by changing their own artwork, and the whole definition of generic artwork will be redefined, making the "It looks generic" argument obsolete. Yay, history!

CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE.
ORANGE ORANGE ORANGE
TROP-OBAMA! TROP OBAMA!

I haven't checked up to see what other changes Pepsico (owners of the Tropicana brand) have been up to, but I hear that brand designs are changing across the boards and people are bugging out. If you are going to stop buying orange juice that you've loved for years because you're too repulsed by innocuous artwork, then maybe you're a little too sensitive for citrus.

PUSSY!

Post Valentine's Day on Target

The RoBeastress and I went for a long romantic walk on Valentine's Day. At Target. We went there with no intentions of buying anything, and left accomplishing that goal. We laughed, we held hands, we canoodled, but we did not take out our wallets at all! It was totally awesome!!!

I've actually discovered that Target has an untapped wealth of inspiration for this blog. I would like to start go there more frequently, walk around, and just take pictures of interesting things I find. There was this cool toy:

With this note on the side:

The snake's name must be Snarky. That was the only picture I snapped on that trip, but I need to go back tonight, so I will do some more exploring.

I am stocking up on supplies for my upcoming vacation to the Dominican Republic. I know it seems like I've been vacation from this blog since 2008, so I have a lot making up to do. I promise I will come back with photos and posts in hand. Ok? USA?

No, that's not my car, but the fingerwriter was on my hand. Does that make me a bad person?

While you ponder that, I've got a couple more things I want you to think about and discuss. My first question I would like solved for selfish reasons. I am writing a song and while I tend to ignore lyrics, I do obsess over my own. I am trying to use the word "Irony" and I worry that Alanis Morissette fucked it up for the rest of us. Not simply by writing a shitty song, but by also using the word incorrectly and causing me to second guess my own use of the term that I once thought I understood.

I posed a scenario to some friends yesterday related to my lyrical dilemma. Keep in mind that I did not come right and share the lyrics as the song is not complete and have a problem with showing half-finished work. Instead I constructed a cockamamie parallel that in retrospect, may take on a more interesting life of its own. But I digress.

Here's my caffeine and math metal fueled email:

Irony & Oxymoron

My top level question is "Is oxymoron inherently ironic?" If not, then keep reading my scenario and let me know if, and when the situation becomes ironic.

Jumbo Shrimp is a common oxymoron, but let's say I have an elephant and I name him Shrimp. If he's still a baby or just relatively small for an elephant, is the name ironic just because he's elephant? What if he grows up to be ridiculously large for an elephant? Is that ironic (the name and/or the situation)? And what if this giant elephant named Shrimp doesn't actually like to eat shrimp? What if he especially doesn't like to eat jumbo shrimp? What if he dies eating jumbo shrimp? Is anything here ironic?

Kirk's stance:

The answer to all your questions below is, "Yes."

Regardless of your reason for naming the elephant "Shrimp," it is still an ironic name for an elephant. Unless that elephant only grows to be as large as an actual shrimp (which is impossible, but I'm stating it just for the sake of argument).
Now, if you named an actual shrimp "Jumbo," I would argue that the name "Jumbo" is not ironic for a shrimp. It's clever, but not ironic. Especially if it's a jumbo shrimp.

The ideal situation in which both irony and sincerity were in absolute perfect balance would be if science could somehow fuse elephant DNA with shrimp DNA, and give the resulting animal the name "Jumbo Shrimp." That name would be neither ironic nor sincere, resulting in a well-balanced sense of self in the animal. It would be very well-adjusted socially. Of course, the actual name of the type of animal we are speaking of would be "flagellaphant" because of its ability to flap its gigantic shrimp-like tail in a flagella-like manner, to speed itself across the ocean and attack our enemies with the deadly force of its armoured tusks.

The RoBeastress response:

Have you completely lost your mind?

She did go on say that she doesn't think it was ironic until we found the elephant named Shrimp doesn't like to eat shrimp. I'm not sure what I think anymore. I also don't know if my example applies to my lyrical scenario as much as I originally thought. Let me try this:

There's a guy and everyone calls him Tiny because he's got a really small penis. Not ironic at all. To make up for a lifetime of ridicule, he decides to race trucks with giant tires. In fact, he becomes the most famous monster truck racer ever, and names his vehicle Bigfoot just to drive the point home. Yay for him. But then one day, scientists finally capture the once-thought mythical creature Bigfoot and it turns out that Bigfoot actually has the smallest penis out of all the creatures in the forest. Even smaller than Tiny's microphallus. Is Tiny's life just become ironic, or was it the whole time after he named his truck Bigfoot? Did the discovery of Bigfoot's small penis then make Tiny's life unironic? Did Bigfoot actually steal the irony from Tiny, like some Iron-y Transfer? What if Tiny bought a penis pump now? Would that just fuck everything up?

Unfortunately, I don't think this story parallels my original dilemma enough to draw any conclusions from the answers, but there's no sense in deleting it now. I guess I need to think about this some more.

The other thing I've been thinking about lately is the difference between urgency and emergency. Both seem to refer a situation in need of immediate care, but is one more immediate than the other? Is one more a surprise than the other? Emergency is so much more prevelant in signage, but urgency seems just as applicable, no? Maybe it's just for the sake of consistency (I had to reword that phrase to avoid a possible apostrophe mistake), but think of all the money we'd save by just using the shorter word. Urgency Room. Urgency Exit. Urgency Response Unit. I've already saved the world 6 letters! You're welcome.

The only concrete answers I've found so far (because I'm not looking that hard and don't feel like it right now) refer specifically to the realm of Hypertension:

What is the difference between urgency and emergency?

Urgency denotes severe hypertension (HTN), typically with diastolic blood pressure (DBP) > 130 mmHg, without symptoms or evidence of end-organ damage. The term accelerated hypertension falls in this category, where retinal exudates and hemorrhages are often present.

Emergency is an acute, life-threatening elevation in BP with evidence of vascular injury + end-organ damage. The term malignant hypertension falls in this category, typified by papilledema.

According these folks, Emergency is more of an urgency than Urgency. I can accept that if someone else finds me some more evidence. That's all for now, penis pumps.

Stewtarded Root Beer

I don't know what's going on over at the DPS Factory, but it sure the hell ain't spellcheckin'. I spotted this today and got a little chuckle out of it:

Now I don't have an MBA, but I'm pretty sure that STEW A RAT is not a desirable name for a beverages brand. Ok, so I wasn't originally planning to take a picture of this and post it because it was a simple spelling error. I make mistakes all the time and let them fly into the pubic area*, so I didn't want to pick on anybody. I'm not the asshole that anonymous PETA supporters portray me as, after all.

Amazingly though, it turns out that I am the asshole this time, because I did in fact take pictures, and I did in fact upload them to My Verizon Pix Place, then I did in fact download them, and I did in fact upload them one by one through Blogger's weak image upload tool. Why? Because two feet away from the mislabeled 24-pack of Stewart's Diet Orange Soda, I spotted another typo!

Stooowurrzzzizzz Black Cherry! I double chuckled and then started desparately digging through my stockpile o' soft drinks for more mistakes, but I only found the correct versions.

Not funny. I hope the person that is in charge of imprinting these cardboard cases is mispelling the brand name on purpose. I hope it's a disgruntled employee getting his or her kicks by warping the image of the hand that feeds him or her. He or she should get a promotion to king or queen. And then we should worship his or her hairy or manicured feet.

Here is my warped Stewart's Root Beer wish list:

STARWAR'S Diet Cream
SEAWART'S Key Lime
SEWERRAT'S Birch Beer
STREETARSE'S Grape
SWEETASS Ginger Beer
SEEWETTWATS, Cherries & Cream

If that existed, I would collect that shit like Snapple Caps (my favorite of which, and technically, the only Snapple cap I've ever really saved was the one with the Real Fact "Beavers were once the size of bears")... Speaking of Snapple Caps, moments after the Stewart's debacle, I spotted a case of Snapple Lemon Iced Tea... with green caps?


Another error at the DSP Factory? Call me a completely insane person who obsesses over beverages all fucking day long, but I thought the Snapple cap scheme went thusly:

Blue Cap - Iced Tea
Green Cap - Juice Drink
Yellow Cap - Lemonade
White Cap - All Diet Products

Who dares to fuck with the system? And how are blind people going to pick out the right flavor now? Inquiring minds want to know.

* public arena

FUCK PETA - PART DEUX

The minute I relax my ban on anonymous comments for this blog, do I get another anonymous jagoff comment to set me off again. AND ON THE SAME POST THAT CAUSED ME TO BAN ANONS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

This person is either the same person that made the original comment and has been refreshing my blog every ten minutes for 4 months waiting for the day I allow anonymous comments again, or, and this is the more likely scenario, this person was searching for the super hot and sexy (and tacky) new PETA ad banned from the Super Bowl. I can't prove this because I haven't checked my Google Analytics yet, but I think it's more than a coincidence that the only blog I ever wrote about PETA got commented on the day after the Big Game.

Judging by the writing style of the two comments, I think they are two different people. But, they are still equally anonymous and still equally bird-brained. I wrote a blog asking provocative questions about an obviously controversial topic and the first response does nothing to attempt to answer them, and the second comment spouts some circular rhetoric that continues to not explain any opposing viewpoint whatsoever. The whole point of my blog was to say that complex issues can't be settled by cutesy four word bumper stickers, and you dumb narrow-minded dicklickers can't enter the debate with cutesy anonymous bumper sticker style comments. I mean, unless your intention is just to prove my thesis, then by all means, continue! By the way, it's funny when I use ad hominem attacks because I'm actually saying other things around the insults, but youse guyses are adding zero content to the conversation.

"Hate is a strong word generally used by weak people."
Is it? Anonymous? IS IT? I think cutesy rhetoric is a stall tactic typically used by people with no original substance of their own. Are you channeling Yoda or Dr. Phil here? I guess hate is a strong word. In the context of my PETA blog, it's more of a provocative word. But what in your evidence kit proves that something is weak about me? That I ask difficult questions? That I can take an observation on 4 words and turn it into a 400 word blog? That from my little laptop in New Jersey I was able to evoke a response from someone sitting 3,000 miles away in Portland, Oregon, reading my blog in their Firefox browser with Windows set to a 1024x768 screen resolution, 4 months after the fact? I don't know, I think those are some pretty strong echoes. Or are we talking physically strong? I know I haven't been hitting the gym lately, but I bet I can still beat you in arm wrestling, mamby pamby. Look what you did, you made me the Priceline Negotiator. (Sidenote: is "Love" a strong word generally used by weak people?)

"Treat others as you wish to be treated."
Are you talking about me, or are you trying to contribute to debate at hand here? Or did you just open a fortune cookie? All right, I'll bite. I don't want anything to kill me, so I try my damndest not to kill innocent creatures. When the RoBeastress finds a bug in her apartment, I put it in a cup and walk it down the stairs and release it back into the world. But if there's a mosquito sucking blood out of my arm, I kill the motherfucker. Do I feel a little bad? Yeah. But do I regret defending my own health and safety? Not at all. I eat meat and vegetables too. I didn't go slaughter the cow myself, and I didn't yank the carrot from its happy home in the ground with my own two hands either, but I've got a human life to sustain here, and I don't regret that either. One day I'm going to be worm food, and don't think they're going to stop to think about your cute little adage.

"If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."
You still haven't said anything of substance at all, so I certainly can't accuse you of being a hypocrite here. Dude, get real. This is my fucking blog. I can say whatever I want, thanks to a rad amendment to the United States Constitution. I made a lot of points in my original blog before concluding that PETA was a bunch of fuckfaces (which, while crotchety, was obviously tongue-in-cheek) but you seem to have nothing to say about them. Does that mean you're exercising your own advice? Because really, if you have something not nice to say, I think I can handle it. I mean, your colleague called me a Fuckface (original, btw) and I didn't even cry. There are people way meaner in the world than me that actually preaching their ignorance to a much larger audience. If you have so much energy, I think you've got bigger fish to fry. Errr... bigger soy to boil?

"Really."
Yeah, really!

"Prove me wrong by not leaving a small-minded, belittling, sarcastic comment in response."
Prove what wrong? YOU STILL HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING!

I'll satisfy your curiosity now by leaving a large-minded, embiggening, earnest comment in response: Fuck you and Fuck PETA... doggy style. I'll continue my donating to the Humane Society instead.

New Fangled Spangleds

I flicked on Animal Planet last night in time to catch Pepper the Parrot sing the National Anthem at Puppy Bowl V. His performance has broken into my list of the "Star Spangled Banner" versions. Everyone's always talking about Whitney's version. Fuck that. These are the best.

Here is Pepper the Parrot's graceful rendition.

Enrico Pallazzo aka Lt. Frank Drebin aka Leslie Nielsen in The Naked Gun. This is version of the lyrics that I most often choose to sing.



Roseanne got a lot of shit for version, but at least she knows the words. She never claimed to be a singer. This audience was full of assholes.



I've never heard Marvin Gaye sing a bum note. He could do whatever the fuck he wanted with any song and would always kill it. I get chills by the end of this version when the audience finally warms up to it.



Carl Lewis had all the confidence of Marvin Gaye, but very little of the musical talent. I wish I could find a full version of this. I'll make up for it now.



I remember En Vogue doing an awesome version at one of those MTV Rock N Jock shitz back in the early 90's. This one is probably a little faster than that one, but still insane:



Radiohead made their own unique version of "The National Anthem" where they changed all of the lyrics and all of the music. Ok, so it's not "The Star Spangled Banner" at all, but it's an awesome song from Kid A. And here's a fun amateur video to go along with it:



This version is actually very faithful, except for when the announcer adds his own harmonies at 1:05 that accidentally go out over the air.



Speaking of hockey...



And finally, Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock. I wanted to present the Liquid Television's Stick Figure Theater version, but all traces have been removed from EVERYWHERE online. So enjoy the original.

My World

My transition to the new company started on Monday, therefore, no time to blog anything of significance. Too busy getting used to all the new bullshit I have to deal with.

This bullshit still hasn't changed:


I'm going to submit this to PassiveAggressiveNotes.com later. I wish I could take credit for the highlighted "What part of..." part, but alas, it goes to an anonymous 5th-Floorer. I had been dreaming of adding to the original sign for a while now, but I wouldn't have gotten away with this public display of passive-aggression. I'm surprised I didn't get accused of this snark being that my now-former boss recently expressed "disappointment" in my outwardly creeping anti-corporate attitude. Maybe he didn't see it yet. No harm in taking a picture.

All right, I gotta go floss. I should be posting a review of The Wrestler soonishly. If you're bored or upset by the lack of updates, go check out the other blog that I'm attempting to get off the ground: plowingmudforever.blogspot.com

FAILING

I am still failing at health, which is causing me to take NyQuil, which is causing me to fail at sleep, hence, wide awake at 7 am on Sunday morning. I keep having insane dreams about rock 'n' roll, gymnastics, New Years, arson, and aviation. Lots of rapid fire action. It's the void that gets filled because I don't watch TV.

I was planning to get new glasses this weekend, but I can't motivate myself to do it. I only get glasses when I need them, ie. my prescription jumps dramatically, old glasses snap in half from sleeping on top of them too much, or the time I developed an eye callus and was banned from wearing contacts for 6 months starting immediately in the optometrist's chair and had to walk 10 blocks in NYC blind, by myself, and with dialated pupils to the glasses place. So I always pick the cheapest, quickest glasses in the store. This is the first time I'll be shopping for glasses that I just want to look good. Get it? LOOK GOOD! OMG I RULE.

No, actually, I fail, as I mentioned before. I went to Lenscrafters' incredibly annoying website to browse frames, rather than walk the half-block to the actual Lenscrafters store and have to come in to contact with salespeople. This was just as frustrating though. I didn't know what I was looking for and therefore had no direction. Normally when I shop I know exactly what I'm looking for and have to just dig until I find it. I rarely employ the shopping blind technique. Much to my surprise, I discovered a quiz designed to help me learn my "frame personality." Awesome!

Not exactly. Not since the SATs have I seen a more culturally biased quiz.

I couldn't answer any question except for number 10, so I gave up on the whole thing and played Tetris instead. Tetris is something that did not me fail me, though it nearly drove me insane. I dialed in on the Tetris Sprint challenge where you need to complete 40 lines in the fastest time possible. My current record was just under 2 minutes. Playing solo was boring, so I went to the area where you play other people. This always makes me play faster, partially because of the competition, but also because the screen is smaller and the next piece is closer to my peripheral vision. Unfortunately, any record breaking time in multiplayer mode would not be reflected in my solo scores. I had several excellent times, so I went back to solo ready to conquer the world (the sad world that only I live in).

I could not do it though. I hit a wall and I hit it hard. For about 3 hours I could not break 2 minutes. Lifetime Movie starring Tracy Gold after Lifetime Movie starring Tracy Gold repeated in the background of the room while I stared at falling colored blocks. The RoBeastress washed her laundry and gave me dirty looks. Then she dried her laundry and the looks grew more concerned. Then she folded her laundry and pleaded out of desperation for me to stop playing Tetris. "I can't stop until I break my record." I said, "Then we can do anything you want."

I finally cried Uncle calling Tetris Fatigue and backed off the computer. The RoBeastress was happy, but I knew I would be thinking about that unbroken record for the rest of the night. I looked back at the laptop and realized that backing away from the screen may be just what I needed to win. Sitting farther away recreated the smaller screen used in multiplayer mode and I quickly beat that damn score, jumped up in the air and threw my fists up victoriously. 40 lines in 1:50.22. Maybe I sound insane, but this made me so incredibly happy on an angry Saturday. I think I'm going to get one of these "Don't Mess With Tetris" T-shirts.

Next post, I'll tell how we celebrated my victory (no, it wasn't more Tracy Gold Lifetime Movies).

Big News Day

No sooner did I read a front page article bragging about how safe commercial flying has been over the past two years...

A FLOCK OF BIRD SHIT PLANE. I was in my new Jersey City Heights apartment when this came up on the screen. With the view from the living room, we could actually see the plane floating down the Hudson River, but I was way more enthralled by the word SHIT sort of being on television. 2 ENGINE SDISABLED, not as funny though.

Oddly, this was the second picture of a news ticker I took that day.

That seemed like a oversimplified headline for the situation in the Middle East, but in retrospect, it's really dead on. Even more accurate would be:

They may as well just leave that ticker running nonstop.

Then they published some old wrestling news:

Poor Yokozuna, may he rest in peace. Let's hope the Pope didn't get him while he was on his way out.

I'm totally going to hell for this one:

Here is some lighter humor (or heavier depending on which way is up).

Well, after he found love, what was he gonna do?


That's all for now. I gotta go easy on the Hot Chocolate.

CONFIRMATION? OH NOES!

I was attacked by the confirmation troll again. OH NOES!

(spotted that mask at a Party City, by the way)

Hi Robeast:
Please see below. L___ is out of the office this week and, therefore, the contact for the videoconference on Thursday is L___-____. Please confirm once this has been confirmed. Thanks.

No. Thank you. I don't know what to do first. Confirm the confirmation, or have the confirmation confirmed? This logic makes me want to run over myself.

I almost really ran a girl over last Saturday. It would have been 100% her fault had it actually happened. I was in the right lane on a two-lane one-way street at a 4-way intersection on a dark, snowy, icy day in Hoboken. The light turned green and I started to go. I didn't realize that some dumb fucking pedestrian decided to cross against the light until she was nearly doubled over onto my hood. She didn't actually touch the car at all, so I felt no reason to berate her frozen brain cells for telling her that her body is stronger than a car's any further than however stupid she probably felt on her own.

I have no sympathy for people that don't follow simple rules like "Cross at the green, and not in between." As a driver, I have 56 potential points of conflict that I need to be aware of at a 4 way intersection. I know this because it says so right here:

Engineers calculate that a four-way intersection has 56 potential points of what they call "conflict," or as Vanderbilt says, "the chance for you to run into someone" — 33 places to hit a car and 24 spots to hit a pedestrian.

As a pedestrian, all you have to do is look up at the fucking Walk or Don't Walk sign, or god forbid, the pretty colored light at the intersection, then look both ways (or in this case, one way!) to make sure the drivers are following the rules too. Then, have your brain either tell your legs to go or not. It's a lot easier for you to stop moving than it is for me and my 4-door death machine. Had I been approaching the intersection already in motion instead of from a stopped position, I surely would not have been able to stop in time. Actually, the SUV in the left lane probably would've nailed her first, so I guess I had nothing to worry about. Maybe I'll put up an exciting diagram sometime later this week.

All right, if anyone hasn't seen this yet, now you're seeing it.

No excuses. Unless you get hit by a car. My car.

I should also mention now that it's taken me an hour to get this post correctly formatted. Blogger gets confused when I try to use ultra-demanding features like italics, or a different font for a few lines. I am also clearly pushing Blogger to its extremes by copying text that I wrote in Microsoft Word and pasting it into its own text editor. Thank you Blogger for keeping up with my demanding blog lifestyle. You are a car, Blogger, and I am once again bowled over. Thanks.

Happy Day After El Día de los Reyes

Speaking of epifanías, it hit me just a little while ago why Kings of Leon had a surprise appeal to me--it's because the dude's voice sounds like Corey Glover from Living Colour. I heard that "Sex on Fire" today and then not too long after, "Cult of Personality." I like the melody of the "Sex on Fire" song and I like the tone of the guy's voice, but the drumming is boring as fuck. I heard a different song of theirs this morning of theirs and I was all "Eh." That means I won't be running out and buying their album. And it's not on eMusic, so that's about the end of the road for me. Maybe if I see it used for cheap enough, I'll take the risk, otherwise, I need to hear at least one or two more good songs to make it worth it. (I also refuse to pronounce their name correctly. I prefer to say Kings of LEE-OWN, as opposed to Kings of LEE-AHN. It's more regal my way.)

Some bands that I have heard and enjoyed recently on my newly created Pandora station, and may download in my 324th attempt to end my eMusic subscription are Hermatavore, Holy Fuck, and Dsyrhythmia and any one else that seems to feature these attributes:

hard rock roots
a subtle use of vocal harmony
varying tempo and time signatures
demanding instrumental part writing
minor key tonality
dirty electric guitar riffs
use of odd meter
an instrumental arrangement

Math Meddling is the name of the station, but I don't know if that's something that other people can access. I'm new to this Pandora shtuff and I don't know how to do anything except listen. In my opinion, it's been great for finding new stuff since radio totally sucks...

BUT...

I actually have some good things to say about terrestial radio for once. Chris Booker has returned to 92.3 KROCK for the afternoon drive time slot. Booker's one of the only DJs I will actually suffer through a barrage of Guitar Center and 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS commercials to hear. Back when KROCK turned all talk, The Penn Jillette Show and The Booker Show were the only things I could stomach (or eardrum). When both of those shows went off the air, I bought an mp3 player and said goodbye to radio. When my mp3 player was out of commission for a while, I was pleased to discover WRXP and Matt Pinfield's morning show. Fucking awesome. I can't stand his sidekick Leslie Fram (who sounds like Rockin' Robin Lane, minus the Rockin' and adding the Lame), but Matt Pinfield more than makes up for her. I can't say I enjoy every song they play, but I keep it locked in for the most part. I think I'd prefer Matt Pinfield just talking about the songs rather than playing them, but it's not my radio show.

While I'm sucking WRXP's dick, I should also say that the absolute greatest thing about the radio station is that THEY PLAY THE SONGS ALL THE WAY THROUGH. They even let the songs fade completely out when any douche program director for any other commercial radio station would have said "PLAY A LOUD BUMPER OR START THE NEXT SONG ALREADY, YOU'RE LOSING THEM!" Fuck you, imaginary dude!

Anyway, Booker now gives me a reason to listen to the radio on the way home from work too. I was so happy that I expressed my joy to the locksmith I stopped to see on my drive home. Again, I would prefer fewer songs because Booker actually has interesting things to say, but it's only his first day back, so the format is probably not set in stone yet. That said, I wouldn't be surprised if all of my favorite programs were canceled before I finish typing this blog. Radio is fucking stupid that way.

Back to music (if you can handle more writing). I'm so on the fence with this Marnie Stern chick. Yes, she's a fret tapping maniac. Yes, her songs feature complicated time changes and crazy fucking sounds. Yes, Zach Hill drums for her. But I just can't get past her voice. I sort of hate it. I think I would enjoy her songs much more if they were instrumental. Sorry, but it's true. I sort of like the Hella vocal tracks sometimes, but I'm already happy with just an awesome guitar melody, even if it's a frantic math metal melody. It's similar to my feelings of Los Straitjackets. Their instrumentals are so memorable and powerful even without vocals. But I feel like they lose some of their identity on the vocal albums. I just previewed Marnie Stern so many times that I feel like I'm trying to force myself to love her, but I can't admit that I don't. Maybe I did just admit it.

Ok, I've had so many tangents that I can't remember what I even logged in to blog about, so I'm going to leave you with a great piece of writing that I copied and pasted into a blank blog the other day. I had been reading lots of articles about commercial failures of video game consoles and lists of the worst video games ever. One description stuck out which made me laugh my ass off. Seanbaby from Electronic Gaming Monthly was talking about Night Trap (the Sega CD game with Dana Plato) and described a moment of the game where the characters sing the Night Trap Theme Song thusly: "It's the musical equivalent of raking a car alarm down a chalkboard and jamming the entire thing into the asshole of a screaming cat."

1 Kudos.

I mentioned inventing a "Deliciously Devious Game"

on Facebook a few weeks ago that sparked the interest of exactly one person from my universe of friends. I am back now to force it upon the masses (aka the 4 people who read the blog and aren't looking for vore porn).

So the game is called either Mushin' Roulette, Mussian Roulette, or Mushroom Roulette. My vote was for the first, RoBeastress prefers the second, and the other one is saying "Whaddaya want from me?" Why don't I take a poll or something?

Basically, the RoBeastress and I went to a dinner party, but the dinner and desserts were already going to be accounted for. Not wanting to go over empty handed, we decided to come up with an appetizer. Neither of us ever cook anything, but I'm always up for a challenge. And to make up for my lack of actual cooking skills, I always try to come up with a twist on ingredients or presentation. Stuffed Mushrooms was what we shouted out with glee, but what would the twist be? We toyed around with the idea of stuffing one of the stuffed mushrooms with something distinct and different tasting. At first we considered something that would be considered a prize, like lobster meat, or perhaps a plastic toy. Instead, we decided to play up the Russian Roulette angle and make it deadly!

Here is your mission, soldier:

First, go to the store and buy some giant mushrooms. Or steal them. Whatever. Go home and wash them then yank out the stems. Place the empty caps on an old rusty cooking tray with an unnecessarily large knife and waste time by taking a picture.

In a pan, or a skillet, heat up some oil and then toss in some minced garlic and the chopped up stems I forgot to tell you not to throw out. Get the stems out of the garbage can and wipe the crap off of them. Or don't, the hot oil should burn away the bacteria anyway, right?

After the oil is gone and your mess has cooled, add Parmesan cheese, black pepper, onion powder, cayenne pepper, and a whole thing of cream cheese, then Mix-A-Lot.

MMMmmmm. Now get some hot sauce (preferably one with a cock on it) and splatter it into one of the mushroom caps.

Now get a big heap of the other stuff...

...and plop it in. If your thumb goes up, it's working!

One spiked mushroom for every six you plan to serve. The rest get Ajax...

SIKE!

Bake them shitz in the oven at 350 degrees for 20 minutes or so. In the meantime, shop online and charge your mp3 Player.

Later on, serve them to your friends if they haven't already caught wind of your bad idea. It's your choice if you want to disclose the secret to them or not. We did, which instantly meant more stuffed mushrooms for us! I suppose you could always not actually spike the mushrooms and still see who the real risktakers are in your posse, but in my opinion, it was fun knowing that I could have very well gotten the blast too!

How the Drunken RoBeast says Happy New Year

12:00 am - He just screams it to everyone in the vicinity.
12:01 am to 12:30 am - He receives phone calls and babbles incoherently about Wii controllers.
12:30 am - Back to Guinness before the open bar ends
1:00 am - Starts sending texts because he can do more damage that way.
1:02 am - "Happy new Crappy"
1:07 am - "Happy Crappy Pooops"
1:10 am - "Hairy smelly fart year"
1:12 am - "And a happy pooh year"
1:22 am - "FUCK THE DOG DICK"

We should celebrate the New Year every week.

2008: Year of the Year

Album of the Year: Local H's 12 Angry Months

Unfortunately, this is an easy one. In 2007 I had three or four awesome albums that I just couldn't pick a favorite out of. This year, there was really not a lot worth noting. Nobody that put anything decent out last year did this year. There were new releases from Melvins, Don Caballero, Zach Hill, Lightning Bolt, and Genghis Tron, but nothing hit me so quickly and easily as the Local H record. The minute I popped it in the CD player, I knew this was the one to beat. I love the lyrics, the concept, the attitude, the variety, and the flow of the songs. I listen to it start to finish and experience the same up and downs as the narrator, but never get bored. Sure, some of the riffs sound familiar, but I just don't care. For someone that listens to a lot of math metal and instrumental shit, I have no regrets picking a solid rock album. The moral of 2008 - simpler is better. Moral #2: you can find awesome shit in the Used bins.

I am now going to take this opportunity to finally select Tub Ring's The Great Filter as 2007's Album of the Year, making that two AOTY's in a row from Chicago-area bands. God, I hope Hum records a new album in 2009.

Song of the Year -

This is a little more difficult. My most listened to song this year was easily Sara Bareilles' "Love Song," but it was technically released the previous year. My problem is that any time I turn on the radio I hate everything I hear. Britney is the Darth Vader of pop music - 99% machine and no real reason to keep alive. Beyonce just chants cheerleader shit over some hand claps and stomps. Pink sings the most retarded laughable garbage. All the other broads just sound the same. Rap is just as bad. I wouldn't know a Lil Wayne song if it kicked me in the balls.

On the band side, I hate everything new and/or hip. I heard the MGMT for the first time (and for the first hundred times) on my Seattle trip. I hate that "Kids" song passionately because I just can't stand 80's sounds. I'll admit that I sort of like the Kings of Leon guy's voice, but I shake my head at him saying "This sex is on fire." Even Jim Morrison is deeper than that. Worst of all is Weezer who no longer deserve amplification.

Getting a little heavier, there are albums from Metallica, Axl Rose, and AC/DC. I'm happy that Lars cleaned up his snare, but now it's taken over as the lead singer of the band. I don't even plan to comment on the other bands I just mentioned, so I'm going to end this paragraph now.

How about this - ALL ARE PUNISHED. No song of the year. Or at least I will wait a few months before declaring it.

TV of the Who Cares: America's Funniest Home Videos

I really don't watch much television. I tend to put it on as background noise and then tool on the nets. For the first third of the year, I either had Law and Order: SVU or America's Funniest Home Videos on. In the summer, it was Law and Order: CI or The Sopranos on DVD. By the end of the year, I cut down on the Law and Order (mainly because they never put on the new fucking season on USA), so I pretty much stuck to The Sopranos or whatever was on Home Shopping Network (not that I planned to buy anything, I just like to observe salespeople while they're safely behind a cage).

I did buy several television programs on DVD (Comedy Central's TV Funhouse, The Sarah Silverman Program, the rest of The Sopranos), but I don't think I watched a single new thing on Prime Time TV in 2008. Weeds is the only thing that was recommended to me that I gave a shot. I Netflixed the first 3 seasons and enjoyed it, but by the end, the storyline was losing me. Like how many more times is she going to lose all of her money, or all of her weed, or all of both? The humor is clever and dark enough to keep me watching though. Kevin Nealon is hilarious, and the younger son has a great character too. Still though, I didn't see any 2008 episodes, so I can't vote for Weeds.

So really, it was either down to Law and Order or America's Funniest Home Videos. I'm going with AFV, which I refuse to say aloud, because it is truly hilarious, even in the face of digital competition. It's consistenly more funny than mining for YouTube gold, and that just ain't easy to pull off. I know that when I turn on the TV, all the best videos of Kids and Pets or Neither are going to be prescreened, and edited for MAXILULS. For every Bert and Ernie Go Brutal video online, there's a thousand unfunny ripoffs. I don't have time to sift through the crap. AFV has even gotten edgier with Tom whatshisface as the host. His jokes are occasionally risque and the new segments are very innovative, despite the raw materials always being the same. I just hope they decide to come out with an adult version of AFV, or an uncensored online version. The competition is only going to get stiffer in 2009, and they need to continue evolving with the times.

Movie of the Year : Luchador Shiraz

I didn't see any movies in the theater at all in 2008. The last motion picture I saw was Eraserhead in December 2007 at the IFC. I tried to go see The Wrestler with the RoBeastress last night, but it was sold out (even though I insisted it wouldn't be). Instead we went and got wine. I was still angry about not getting to see the only movie I've looked forward to in a long time, so I picked up Luchador, a South Australia Shiraz, in protest. I typically don't drink red wines, but this was all right with me. There are apparently several different types of Luchador wine, each with a different wrestler pictured on the label with a funny description of his character, like such as: "Gato Loco is a world-famous orchid collector. He owns four iPods and believes vinyl is for weenies. He never buys water or women."

I know this is a wine and not a movie, but tough shit, it's my list. The wine is also from 2007, so the hits just keep coming huh? What, did you want me to put Batman or some shit on the list? Fuck Batman. Fuck Indiana Jones and fuck de fucking X-men. I bury those cockroaches.

Best Commercial of the Year When Commercials Were Decidedly More Memorable Than Any Movie or Song - Hotels.Com



I'm glad Tom Green is still an influence on today's culture. Sort of. I can't wait to act this commercial out in a hotel myself.

Worst Death of the Year - George Carlin

Shoulda been George Lopez.

OH I'M SO HORRIBLE - The RoBeast

Fine, Carlos Mencia then.

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This list sucked, sorry. I'm in a hurry and I've got a lot blog backup and pictures to upload and boxes to unpack and paperwork to sign and hammers to drop. I'm going to try writing a couple more today and have them trigger to pop up automatically in the next few days.