I went to a party in Brooklyn last week. The conversation inevitably turned to hipster things, for Brooklyn is a hipsterable place. Somebody brought up Jorts, the modern name for Jean Shorts. If I understand correctly, jorts really only refer to shorts that have genuinely been cut off from longer pairs of denim. It's really not an important issue in my life, but I'll play devil's advocate for the Jort Purist. (Jurist?)
The term has been in the lexicon for a while, so there was really nothing new to say about them. Someone then mentioned Corts, a term with which I was unfamiliar. Corts are Corduroy Shorts. Corts seem to be less ubiquitous than jorts, and even though they have earned their own portmanteau, I imagine they are way less hip.
Now I don't wear jeans, so jorts are really out of the question. I also think they look pretty stupid unless you're a lumberjack dressing down for a professional wrestling match (see also: sleeveless flannel). Corts, I'm not so sure about either. I haven't worn corduroy in quite a long time, even though two pairs of cords keep following me every time I've moved in the last 7 years. Still, I can't imagine wearing corduroy in the summer, even if it is in short form.
If you've done the math, you've probably deduced that I only wear regular or cargo pants, and predictably, all my shorts are store-bought short pants or cargo shorts. Martha, the party's hostess and longtime-reader-never-commenter, asked me why I don't rock cargo cutoffs in the summer. Well, it's mainly because there is no snazzy name assigned with cut-off cargo shorts.
UNTIL NOW!
Corts is obviously already taken, so I had to brainstorm a bit. I think a good name might be Escargots. "Es," short for "S," short for "Short" + "cargot," long for "cargo." I realize that escargot is already pluralized, so let's just pretend you're adding the extra "s" for "Shut up, Smartypants." S-Cargo would be more fun and less French, but as I've discovered, Nissan beat me to it 20 years ago. I guess great minds think alike. I just made that quote up too.
So I grabbed an old pair of my cargo pants with holes in the knees and chopped them up while being careful to preserve their most important feature with utmost absurdity. I glued on a beard and found a six-pack of PBR to highlight the deep, efficient pockets. Sorry, all my V-necks were in the laundry.
Every time a celebrity pipes up with an opinion or a tidbit of information, people rush to dismiss it as bullshit particularly if it is of a political nature.But, you know, celebrities they’re just like us. They’re people with valid experiences to share. People with a metric shit-ton of money and a probably distorted view of reality, BUT still, there is useful practical information to be found encoded in the drama and the pomp and the circumstance.I myself have come away with 3 lessons, over the course of my life thus far, that I have learned from celebrities. Let me share this stunning knowledge of the ages with you.
Of course, it all starts with: 1.) Madonna and one of her appearances on Letterman, the one where she talked about peeing in the shower to stave off athlete’s foot (urine talk at 3:27). It made sense to me; pee is sterile. Heck, you’re already in the shower. Why not? I played every sport in high school and was a scholarship athlete in college.I saw some funky locker rooms, and I’ve showered in some questionable places mostly without shower shoes.Instead, I pee on my feet, and I’ve never had athlete’s foot since I started doing it.
Some of you are totally grossed out right now, but, eh, I don’t care. It’s going right down the drain. I drink a lot of water; my pee does not smell like a dirty urinal in a bus station. Less mess. Less fuss.Is there any scientific evidence to support that this works? Not really, but hey, the SOS Mata Atlantic group has been trying to convince people to pee in the shower to conserve water with (I am confident in stating) the cutest cartoon ever made about pissing in the shower. Bottomline: it can’t hurt, and you’re saving the planet.Madonna I thank you for your golden wisdom.
2) Lisa Marie Presley. I find Lisa Marie an unlikely font of wisdom. She’s a Scientologist which automatically puts her on shaky footing with me. Plus, she married Michael Jackson which I find more than a little telling about her mental state and potential craziness. I’m liable to take anything LMP says with a generous grain of salt. However, I came across this Rolling Stone article about her wherein she mentions that she had been having all these health problems asthma, depression, candida infections, hypoglycemia, acid reflux, gall bladder failure, etc.After seeing a bunch of doctors and having her gall bladder removed she saw a homepathic doctor (cue the windchimes), and he said the root of her problems were stress and the mercury amalgamated fillings in her head. She took ‘em out, and poof, her health stabilized. This article came out in 2003. In 2003, I was working a super stressful job in children’s television, and I was getting crazy infections left and right. Every month, it was a new bout of candida or a bacterial infection. Now, it’s entirely possible that had something to do with my shitbag boyfriend at the time, but my gynecologist pinned it on stress.I read the article, and it was like I had been struck with a lightning bolt of wisdom. It really resonated with me. I also had about 6-8 mercury fillings in the soft tissue of my head. I was drinking a lot of hot coffee all day every day, and hot fluids are supposed to cause the fillings to offgas. I made an appointment at the dentist, and there was animmediate and marked improvement in the health of my ladyparts and my overall health in general after they were removed.
Is there a shred of medical evidence to support this? Eh, not so much according to the most reputable info I could find. However, there’s a ton of people and doctors out there railing against mercury fillings; my actual dentist at the time scoffed heavily at the whole notion and said that there’s not enough mercury in the fillings to cause such a problem and also said that taking them out can be more dangerous because you’re dislodging the mercury and some of it can circulate.So, which is it again? Not enough to cause a problem, or yeah, enough to cause a problem? Jerk. I know that I immediately felt better once that toxic crap was removed from my body. It didn’t cure the TMJ from biting my tongue and grinding my jaw in rage at the daily iniquities I encountered at that job, but it did immediately stop the monthly visits to my gyno with the chronic infections.Sadly, Icontinued to date the dirtbag. Bottomline: don’t put toxic metals in your body, particularly, the soft tissues of your head.Lisa Marie, we may not agree on for-profit religions made-up by schlocky scifi writers, but I and my ladybits sincerely thank you.
3) Edward Norton. To get to Edward Norton though, we have to take a detour through Courtney Love land.If you’re on twitter and you’re not following Courtney Love, stop reading this and go follow her. Immediately.I’ve always loved her nutty ass.She is a study in demonology and a bitch goddess of the highest order.I could never hang with her myspace blog post rants because they were so long and filled with poor spelling, questionable grammar, and notable for the absence of any punctuation. It made my eyes hurt.Twitter is the perfect medium for her to unleash her rantypants and her various insanities in delicious bite-size chunklets. I find her much more palatable in this format. Also, and best thing ever, she engages other celebrities on twitter and occasionally they engage her back like Billy Corgan’s recent vituperousjabs.Our girl Courtney loves to @EdwardNorton (non Twitteritesread that as ‘at reply’ Edward Norton) who I guess she dated briefly at one time.I have never seen him respond on twitter to her, and I keep tabs on that shit which is how I happened to be reading through his twitterstream and came upon Fish Phone.
Have you ever been at a restaurant and wondered if the fish on the menu was sustainably harvested and/or farmed? Wonder no more!Of course, there is totally an app for that, and if you’re not on a smartphone you can text 30644 with the message FISH and the name of the fish in question, and BAM, you get back a full report. Wonder no more if you are a responsible consumer of our fishy friends. I think the app itself also suggests a wine pairing.All of the FishPhone info comes from the National Marine Sanctuary Foundation, so it’s a fairly reputable source.Bottomline: if you’re going to eat fish, you should try to do so in a sustainable way that doesn’t contribute to the destruction of the oceans.Thanks Edward Norton for making me a slightly better person.
That’s it. My purely subjective experience of the questionable WISDOM our Promethean friends have reached down from on high to impart to the world at large that I internalized with "possibly-related" positive outcomes.Have you ever learned something valuable and practical from a celebrity source and implemented it in your life? Please tell me I am not alone in my insanity.
Was this blog post worth the YEAR AND A HALF wait? Probably not, but my brain is poo poo right now. I have folded under a relentless onslaught of Dora and consider Yo Gabba Gabba high culture these days. They tell me it gets better after you stop nursing, and you become less like a little old man with dementia, but I think they lie. I chronicle my daily insanity, when I can scrape two words together, on the twitter: here.
I was behind an Xpedited Services service truck this morning on Rt. 80. I couldn't get a picture off in time, so I stole this off of their facebook page:
I was drawn to their slogan "Because You Forgot To Ship It Yesterday!" because it's an amazing approach for a service oriented company. It's no secret that the service industry exists because of people that don't have time or the ability to do things themselves, but that relationship is rarely acknowledged in those terms. Customers are often coddled and absolved of all accountability, but the truth is that they're mere mortals too. This slogan moves beyond the "the customer is always right" mentality and instead says "hey customer, you fucked up, and we're here to fix it."
I'm sure Xpedited is professional and appreciative of whatever business they get, but it's still so refreshing to see them so publicly not kiss ass. And feast your eyes on that giant red X! So defiant! I LOVE THIS COMPANY!
Imagine what it would look like if this trend spread to other products and services!
Now imagine how great this post would've been if I came up with more than 3 mediocre examples!
After parking at the office this morning, I looked back at my car and noticed something weird about my bumper. Amidst my family of bumper stickers were intruders. I have become the victim of a sticker attack.
Hello, I'm Illegible.
That thing in the middle seems to be a warped King of Diamonds. What it means or represents, I have no idea. Like the "Hello I'm..." sticker, it doesn't seem to convey any accessible information to an unhip layperson like myself and only serves to preach to already initiated. The imagery is pretty stereotypical and unoriginal, so there's no way I'll be able to look up what it is on the internets. Because I usually keep my car parked in front of a sneaker store that specializes in rare and vintage collectible sneakers, my guess is it probably refers to a skate company or a sneaker brand. I've never actually gone in the store because I'm completely disinterested in vomitaciously colorful thousand-dollar sneakers, so I may never find out what these stickers represent. Maybe I'll ask one of the European tourists that line up on the sidewalk waiting for the store to open. Wait, I mean crowd the sidewalks... Europeans wait in line.
If I sound angry here, I'm really not. I have a ton of stickers on my car already, so I'm not exactly concerned about spoiling the value of my bumper. Besides, Plowing Mud Forever stickers have been known to show up on quite a bit of public/government property and on plenty of bathroom walls, so I guess karmically, my property is fair game for vandals. In fact I used to entertain the idea of creating a "<---SUCKS" sticker specifically for the purpose of attacking other people's stupid bumper stickers, so I've just been beaten at my own game. I'm probably inviting trouble here, but I wish I was attacked by someone with a little more creativity. Not that a black and white solid text Plowing Mud Forever sticker is particularly clever, but at least our sticker is an invitation to something a little deeper beyond the surface (nice rationalization).
I guess the real question here, is do I take them off or leave them there until I find a better replacement?
The other night, the RoBeastress and I were preparing some spaghetti and meatballs on her stovetop. I was watching over the big black cauldron of pasta on the back burner, but it was a little too dark too see, so I pressed the "light" button on the overhead microwave. It was no surprise when the light came on upon pressing the "light" button...
... but something I never noticed before happened too--the microwave's LCD display lit up the word "Light."
Here it is when the light is off:
It's a good thing that word "Light" is there or else I would have no idea when the light was really on. Like in this case...
... I really have no idea if the light is on or not. Fortunately, I am able to check the display to confirm my suspicions. Why yes, the light is indeed on.
The "Timer" display I understand. "Vent" may be a bit questionable, but "Light" is just ridiculous. The only possible logic that I can come up with behind this superfluous feature is if the light bulb happens to burn out but you aren't aware of it and you are standing there pressing the button over and over but nothing happens and in all the commotion you start to wonder to yourself "Did I push that 'Light' button five times or six times?" but you have no way to confirm it.
Well, did ya punk?
I think I would prefer the have used their LCD technologies to make a random word or phrase to pop up, like "BISCUITS!" or "Good Morning Dave." Or "Lighten up tightwad."
Ok, I'm going to press my own "Vent" button off now.
Just a quick news update before we get back to our irregularly scheduled programming. I won't take full credit for this, but merely a few hours after I posted the first entry of my multi-part Michelle Branch series, she announced via Twitter that the record label has cleared her to release a new 6-song EP. It will be called Everything Comes and Goes (which was the original name when it was set to be an LP) and will be released in the next "few weeks." I certainly hope so.
Let's now move forward back to the past behind us...
Spring 2002 - After listening to my folderful of mostly live Michelle Branch mp3s for a while, I eventually decided that I would commit to buying the album. If I remember correctly, Tunes in Hoboken did not have it in stock, so I picked it up at Sam Goody. This was a time when I was listening to a lot of System of a Down, Fantomas, and Dillinger Escape Plan, so buying a contemporary "girly pop" album was quite a leap for me. It's not that I had anything against female vocalists--I did enjoy Sleater-Kinney and Melt Banana recordings--but I was never into any that were on Top 40 radio. OK, I did buy The Sundays' "Summertime" song which apparently hit #15 on the '97 UK Singles Chart, but that's Britannia, not Britney-Land. Here in the US, there was/is a very specific demographic associated with pop music, and I wasn't a screaming teenage girl outside of TRL studios.
This is what the album looked like when I bought it:
It would later be changed to this version:
Why? Maybe the leather and smog was supposed to convey a toughness to set it apart from squeaky clean pop? She looks considerably younger in the "blue" version, even though that's the photo used in later versions. Is it to appeal to younger fans? And are the studs on her belt that assure you she's a "PRO," made to appeal to the adult set? I don't know. My guess is that they probably just changed the first cover because it doesn't really look like Michelle in real life. In fact, it looks more like Vanessa Carlton, whose album, Be Not Nobody was hot around the same the time of the cover change. Regardless, you get both versions of the cover with whichever version you purchased, so go debate your preference on your own time.
The first thing you notice inside the album is that Branch had a hand in writing all of the songs--5 on her own, 3 with the help of the producer John Shanks, and the remaining 3 with Shanks and other songwriters. "You Get Me" is one of the tracks with outside collaboration, in this case professional songwriter Shelly Peiken and singer-songwriter Abra Moore. Peiken, I'd never heard of, but has written tunes for youngens like Mandy Moore, Britney Spears, and Cristina Aguilera, and oldies like Meat Loaf, Joe Cocker, and Celine Dion. She's also written "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks, a song that I have tremendous hatred for, but that's another story. Abra Moore I remember having a song in the late 90's called "Four Leaf Clover" that didn't leave much of an impression on me at the time. Shanks also has a writing credit for "You Get Me."
Unfortunately, I have no idea how the collaboration came to be, since I have no sources for this series other than Wikipedia and my memory (If any relevant parties would like to come forward and share, please stop laughing at me, and do so). I don't know if this was instrumental written by one person, then polished by another, then arranged by another, and lyrics added by the fourth, or if they all sat in a room together and wrote together. Reading over Abra Moore's career story and listening to "Four Leaf Clover" for the first time in ten years, I'm thinking it may have went down like this:
Moore had a modest hit with "Four Leaf Clover" but despite a Grammy nomination, didn't quite close the deal commercially. She started working on a follow-up which was probably in her style, but the label didn't see a hit single anywhere and convinced her to either collaborate with Peiken, or to try one of her already-written tunes. Moore's record deal and major label LP eventually fall through, and the song is either never finished or released. Fast forward a few years to Michelle Branch's debut album production process... the label (Maverick) wants a few more solid tracks to round out the album. Shanks might have gotten a handful of label-approved demos or he had a pile sitting around on his hard drive waiting for the right artist, but at some point it gets offered to Branch. Abra Moore (and to some extent Shelly Peiken) was affiliated with the Lilith Fair set, which had a degree of influence over Branch, so there's a clear match. She writes new lyrics, or changes some of the existing ones to fit her style, and there you have it. Obviously I'm making a million assumptions here, but as the song says "In my imagination/anything goes."
A decade later, "Four Leaf Clover" really isn't a bad tune. I'm not familiar enough with Abra Moore's work enough to be able to pick apart "You Get Me" and figure out who wrote what. To be completely honest, "Four Leaf Clover" fits better into the scheme of the classic Michelle Branch structure than "You Get Me." It's got a strong acoustic guitar opening riff that continues throughout most of the verses while other instruments and vocals are added. There are a couple brief changes, and a shitload of choruses at the end. "You Get Me" is put together with chord progressions instead of riffs, and the different sections work together, but are very much separate. In fact, the only thing the two songs have in common are a drum machine and a guitar solo.
I think the highlight of this track for me is the expressive bass playing. Everything else is fairly mechanical. To me, it just doesn't fit as the second song of the album. It certainly serves to break up the "Everywhere" and "All You Wanted" monsters, but it's too much autopilot too soon. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice song--just too safe. "Something To Sleep To" (which appears later on the album) accomplishes the same tempo goal as "You Get Me," but has more energy, and more importantly, more drama. Most Michelle Branch songs are about unrequited love, but "You Get Me" doesn't fit that theme. I believe it may have originally been intended as a single (I swear I saw it featured on an album cover sticker) but that never happened. Maybe if it were called "You Don't Get Me," things would have been different...
If you follow me on Twitter, you're probably aware that I sit in a fair amount of traffic. The only bright side of this is that it allows me to photograph kooky license plates without putting my life in danger.
This was the situation a couple weeks back:
The RoBeast Crime Lab cleaned up the photo a bit so you can see the vanity plate on the Yukon:
WK4MYKDZ?
My initial thought (besides what I think of these new fugly New York plates) is that it means "Would Kill For My Kids." The flames on the Yukon logo say to me that this person is obviously not above self-destructive arson, so what would stop them from homicide? Most parents take the martyr route and simply say "I would die for my kids," but I guess here in NYC, parents are taking a more active approach.
Is that really what it means though? The RoBeastress assumed it meant "Work For My Kids." Well, what about "Weak For My Keds" or "Wok For My Kidneys"? "Workform? Yuck! Demilitarized Zone!"
The danger of these vanity plates is in the interpretation. The RoBeastress' mother recently told us a cautionary tale of a colleague of hers with a vanity plate that said "NV NO1." He was trying to convey a positive humble message--"Envy No One." But, she wondered, what's stopping people from reading the exact opposite intention--"Envy Number One"?
All I have to say to that is "Andrew W.K. Formica Dragonball Z!"
(I'll be back on the Michelle Branch train later on today.)
I've been tossing the idea around of getting more into writing about music here. I was considering sticking to the Top 40 pop chart for the sake of relevancy, but then I thought it might be better to choose an artist and go in depth rather than just skim a genre. Call me crazy, but I found myself listening to Michelle Branch the other day, I realized she should be the subject of this series.
Why Michelle Branch? Well, I've been following her career for quite a while now, and I definitely consider myself acquainted with her body of work. It's also not a tremendously large catalog, so even if this turns out to be a disaster, it will be over before I know it. I feel like she's not an artist that is often written about or given much credit in the pop or rock world, so that makes for a good subject. It's also an unusual time in her life right now, as she has an new solo album recorded, but her label has stalled on releasing it for at least a year now. Finally, today is her 27th birthday, so I'm seizing the serendipitous moment and going for it.
I haven't really worked out the logistics yet, but I believe this will look like a track-by-track analysis of her catalog. It might get technical, or critical, or softball, or it might just be filled up with anecdotes. It might end up being a better analysis of my taste than her work, who knows? Regardless of how it ends, I know where it's going to start--with the song "Everywhere."
"Everywhere" was the first song I had ever heard by a young musician from Arizona named Michelle Branch. It's the probably the first song of hers that most people have heard and for many, the only one. It wasn't until early 2002 that I heard the song on the radio, even though it had already hit its peak on the pop charts in late 2001. Nobody ever really accused me of being too on top of things.
Those days I was waking up at 4:30 AM to drive to work 75 miles away. I was sleep deprived most of the time and a bit out of my mind. When I got bored with my mix tapes, I would flip around the radio until Howard Stern came on. I usually put on oldies stations or the Seton Hall metal station WSOU. If I was feeling weird, I could sometimes catch reception from the experimental Princeton station. Back then, I rarely ever put on a Top 40 station because it was mostly dancey garbage. But one day I caught "Everywhere" and was instantly hooked.
When I realized I was often flipping to different pop stations hoping to catch it, I decided to seek it out online. I had (and still have) this thing about illegal downloading, so when I booted up my AOL (yeah, I really had AOL for a while), I downloaded an alternate version of the song. It was the "Acoustic" version of the song, which I believe was the vocals and acoustic guitar tracks separated from the original studio non-acoustic version. Though I now prefer the full version, that acoustic version was what I listened to most in the beginning. Plus, it made catching the radio version even more of a treat.
"Everywhere" starts with some subtle, yet confidently arpeggiated acoustic guitar chords battling a dinky drum machine. The vocal melody comes in strong and tips the balance of the track in favor of organic sounds then eventually morphs into heavier, full band performance. The song soon takes a break from being choppy and picks up some backup vocals. There's a quick pause to soak it all in and then the gigantic chorus explodes.
That chorus is a big and important one. It's been on compilations and in movies and commercials (though surprisingly never "you're everything I know that makes Maybelline"). It pretty much set the stage for her--a stage that shows her at times rebelling against the song, its formula, and its consequences, and other times embracing and chasing its success. It's the "Smells Like Teen Spirit" of the 00's teen pop era. I think. Maybe I'm making all this up.
Anyway, I like the song, especially the second half of the second verse where the chords change up. They appear again later as an alternate ending to one of the last choruses. Those parts really punch it up as an intelligent and slightly more complex pop tune and give jerks like me something to not complain about. While it's unabashedly a Big Chorus song, there are plenty of dynamics within the verses and bridges to keep things interesting. All right, I gotta go do some stuff. See you next time?
BNP Paribas has been supporting tennis worldwide for nearly 40 years. We sponsor events such as The BNP Paribas Showdown in New York City, The BNP Paribas Open in California, The Davis Cup, and many others."
I've driven past this billboard for the two weeks and had to take a picture of it just to get to the end of the fucking text. And now that I have, what a letdown. My first impression was that it was a some sort of BP parody protest billboard, or at the least, a random rambling diatribe against unfair wages for union tennis players. Either way, I was fairly certain it was coming from a non-profit company that has a lot to say but doesn't have money in the budget for corporate communications or marketing. But, no, this is the 11th largest company in the world according to Forbes Magazine. It's also the 1st largest block of TL;DR I've ever seen on the side of a highway in my life.
Call me an ignoramus, but I never heard of BNP Paribas until I looked it up on the internets today. That it's a bank certainly doesn't come across the billboard. Yeah, it says "Bank" up top (it's not that washed out in real life), but there are approximately 50 other words competing with it! And a giant tennis racket (or electric flyswatter)! A quick search online teaches me that an effective billboard only contains 4 or 5 words on a billboard... 8 at the most. This is 50 words--IN ALL CAPS--and I still don't understand their point. The BNP Parabis Showdown was back in March. The US Open is coming up soon, but they even don't sponsor that. WTF BNP?
The billboard is located eastbound on Rt. 280 in what I believe is technically Harrison, NJ. The speed limit there is 65 mph [update: it's actually 50] and traffic is very rarely backed up in this direction. Unless your car has broken down at this exact spot (which actually did happen to me here), there is probably no one on foot that will see this. Trains go by as well, but I'm not sure if they're close enough to bother reading the billboard either. Maybe being wordy is a European advertising thing, but here, it's a unattractive misfire. My other theory is that it the ad is designed for a magazine and they just got too lazy (or cocky) to be bothered a redesign for another format.
And now that I've risked FRAT in my own analysis, I'll wrap this up. Sure, you could say that maybe they accomplished something by getting me to pull out a camera and take a photo of their stupid billboard, then go to their website and blog about it to all my friends. Whatever dudes, nobody is even going to read this whole entry because it's got too much text! And I am physically incapable of spelling Paribas the same way twice! Watch--Parabis. Paribus. Palabras. Parabolas. SEE!
I saw this promo on the TV the other day and thought, "Should I really be getting my health tips from a meteorologist?". I can sort of understand why a weather broadcast would report on things like pollen count, ultraviolet levels, and smog, but I discovered that Accuweather takes it a step further into the realm of health. In addition to the standard weather maps, they have handy dandy graphs such as the Dust and Dander Forecast, the Healthy Heart Fitness Forecast, and the Arthritis Pain Forecast. Their intentions are great, sure, but I just don't know how scientifically accurate or significant these charts are. When it comes down to it, these are really just predictions based on predictions.
Let's take, for example, the Migraine Headache Forecast. In New York, NY, today rates a 1 on a scale of 1-10, or Beneficial, meaning a "lowered risk of migraine, and will help to make a headache less severe and of shorter duration." This vague description also accompanies the chart:
Migraine Headaches can occur at any time. The AccuWeather.com Migraine Headache Forecast combines current weather with how the weather is changing to predict the probability of experiencing a migraine headache, as well as how intense it is likely to be and how long it is likely to last.
I am an occasional Migraine sufferer--about one or two debilitating Migraines a year. They used to hit me every summer, then at some point, they switched over to exclusively winter. After more than 15 years of this, I feel like I can't even predict my own Migraine patterns, if one even exists. Migraines are a fairly mysterious affliction, so they've got the disclaimer "Migraine Headaches can occur at any time," but they make little attempt at explaining how they arrived at their predictions. So far this year, I've had Migraines on January 10th and March 15th, but Accuweather doesn't archive their statistics, so they don't allow me to test their accuracy. As with weather predictions, I don't think these folks have any interest in dwelling on the past.*
Predictions, by nature, also invite the possibility of psychosomatic effect. If I were to see a 10 on the Migraine Index for Friday, I'm probably going to stress out every day until then and actually induce one. You thought Snowmageddon was bad? Wait until Migrainageddon. Blindfolds and shades will be looted from every pharmacy in the country! The psychosomatic reinforcement may not always be negative though. A "great day for outdoor exercise!" on the Healthy Heart Forecast may actually encourage some people to get off their asses and head to the park for some cardio. Again though, this is a prediction based on a prediction, so if the weather that day ends up being hotter and humid than Accuweather anticipated, it may end up being a 10 on the Cardiologist Pager Activity Forecast instead.
Accuweather is not the only weather organization spreading their wings. The online incarnation of The Weather Channel actually has a Beauty Forecast in their Health Department. Today, there is a chance of frizz and dry skin, and they conveniently recommend Frizz-Ease Hair Serum Extra-Strength and Jergens natural glow Revitalizing Daily Moisturizer. No, seriously:
I recognize that we are in the Age of Information, and I appreciate these weather folks wanting to supply as much data as they can for the impatient, demanding, app-consuming public. Believe me, I eat up colorful maps and cute charts for breakfast. For the most part, I do believe they have good intentions, despite occasionally playing on our insecurities to the benefit of ready sponsors. These information gatekeepers have a power that we need to be skeptical of, and we should still use our best personal judgment in the face of their charisma and enthusiasm.
Speaking of charisma and enthusiasm...
I trust him to give me health tips like I trust Dr. Steve Brule to give me the weather.
* There are apparently some sites that track the accuracy of past weather reports, but I haven't explored them much. Correctweather.com is one example. Check It Out! For Your Weather.
Last week, the RoBeastress and I spotted this vehicle sporting an unusual Pretzel-Shaped Awareness Ribbon. The license plate has been slightly doctored to reflect my feelings about driving I-95 at rush hour on a holiday weekend.
Even at this close distance, the message on the decal was illegible to me, so I hypothesized that because the design itself is such an endangered species that this Pretzel-Shaped Awareness Ribbon was actually a Pretzel-Shaped Awareness Ribbon Awareness Ribbon. Makes sense, right?
Unfortunately, my crime lab isn't sophisticated enough to clean up this zoomed-in surveillance photo, so this is all we have to work with. I must admit that upon closer inspection, I can make out two intertwined, yet distinct colors--blue and pink. I am now led to believe this ribbon may additionally support none or all of these following causes:
Transgendered Sodium Freedom
Interracial Awareness Ribbon Marriage
Heterodizygotic Conjoinedness
Blueberry/Strawberry Dough Farmer Harmony
The Lexus Nexus of the Sexes
Mutated Jesus Fish Stem Cell Research
Concession Stand Labor Union Gender Equality
Mr. Salty for President 2012
Dogs and Cats Living Together
If I'm wrong, then at least The Mars Volta has their next album track listing squared away. Further research on the internet turned up Motivators.com, a website that sells Awareness Ribbon-Shaped Pretzels...
...but no Pretzel-Shaped Awareness Ribbons as far as I can tell. This one from Kim and Scott's Pretzels looks a little more appetizing...
...but the seagulls probably wouldn't stop to appreciate the message if I attached it to the back of my car.
Alas, a mystery has been opened and I am now too hungry to solve it. Check out this hook while my DJ revolves it.
