OMG U GUYZ, BANKSY WAS IN MY KITCHEN

KIX values your opinion, and Banksy wants General Mills to know that it KIX ASS!



I am positive that whoever designed this "KIX Assurance" knew exactly what they were doing. It could have easily been "The KIX Pledge" or "KIX Guarantee" but this prankster/subliminal marketing master went with something a bit more obscure that would make you spit out your cereal once you discovered it. If I were the boss at GA, I'd give that person a corner office and thank them for the KIX-Rated Adult Entertainment.

Subway Melt!

Some NYC subway graffitti that I visualized on the train, but only executed in the comfort of my home. Note to self: start carrying a red Sharpie. 

RoBeast Book of World Records

On November 24th my "graphic of an obscure and unrepresentative example sentence" was finally removed from the hallowed pages of Wikipedia. I'dn't've expected my simple picture of an imaginary complex contraction to have lasted 111 days on a page presumably attractive to Grammar Nazis, but at least I now have benchmark for vandalism endurance challenges.

Whatever will be next?

Dog Years

It's been a while since I last vandalized Wikipedia, so I went for a big target today. I hit up one of my favorite dimensions: Time. My addition is about halfway down the page, and I think the subtly paid off. After 4 hours, it still hasn't been taken down yet!

Click on the image below for the original size (and read the caption for bonus points).

Benevolence and Malice in Graffiti

I was in the restroom of a restaurant recently (PEEING!) and spotted a funny sign. The original version was fairly typical--inconsistent capitalization, a typo, and no punctuation--but what made it uniquely ambitious was the attempt to combine two barely related instructions on one piece of paper. That of course gave some clever urinator the idea of linking them and completely changing the message:

I was very impressed by the simplicity of the two X's creating a positive (albeit pro-smoking),LOLworthy message through omission all the while leaving the original message visible so the viewer could compare both. Maybe it was just laziness, but I think that simplicity made it twice as funny.

Of course, I was slightly intoxicated and figured it would be a good idea to continue the evolution of graffiti:

My self-psychoanalysis screams jealousy. My brain clearly fixated on "king" because of the need to one-up and become the clever graffiti champion of this territory. I continued the battle theme by referencing Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! and writing IN BOLD CAPS. Also, clearly not content with the simplicity of the previous vandal's X's, I instead went for violent scribbles.

Not surprisingly, the sign was removed soon after. I hope you all learned a lesson today.

















(the lesson is always take a picture of your vandalism)

Sticker Attack!

After parking at the office this morning, I looked back at my car and noticed something weird about my bumper. Amidst my family of bumper stickers were intruders. I have become the victim of a sticker attack.

Hello, I'm Illegible.

That thing in the middle seems to be a warped King of Diamonds. What it means or represents, I have no idea. Like the "Hello I'm..." sticker, it doesn't seem to convey any accessible information to an unhip layperson like myself and only serves to preach to already initiated. The imagery is pretty stereotypical and unoriginal, so there's no way I'll be able to look up what it is on the internets. Because I usually keep my car parked in front of a sneaker store that specializes in rare and vintage collectible sneakers, my guess is it probably refers to a skate company or a sneaker brand. I've never actually gone in the store because I'm completely disinterested in vomitaciously colorful thousand-dollar sneakers, so I may never find out what these stickers represent. Maybe I'll ask one of the European tourists that line up on the sidewalk waiting for the store to open. Wait, I mean crowd the sidewalks... Europeans wait in line.

If I sound angry here, I'm really not. I have a ton of stickers on my car already, so I'm not exactly concerned about spoiling the value of my bumper. Besides, Plowing Mud Forever stickers have been known to show up on quite a bit of public/government property and on plenty of bathroom walls, so I guess karmically, my property is fair game for vandals. In fact I used to entertain the idea of creating a "<---SUCKS" sticker specifically for the purpose of attacking other people's stupid bumper stickers, so I've just been beaten at my own game. I'm probably inviting trouble here, but I wish I was attacked by someone with a little more creativity. Not that a black and white solid text Plowing Mud Forever sticker is particularly clever, but at least our sticker is an invitation to something a little deeper beyond the surface (nice rationalization).

I guess the real question here, is do I take them off or leave them there until I find a better replacement?

It's a Special Day!!!

That's right, it's Dido's birthday. Happy Birthday, Dildo!

Now blow out those candles!

Raiders of the Lost Wiki

Today I entered a Wikipedia contest to redesign the State Flag of Indiana.

I thought I did a damn good job, but it turned out that the contest was only in my imagination. Oh well. Paul Hadley is stealing all my credit!

The Wikipedia Police take their US & A purdy seriously, so my contributions were reverted immediately. You have to admit that my flag is way cooler than their old boring one. Indiana Jerks!

DO NOT ERASE

More workplace snark that I can't take credit for:

Katy Perry is Evil

I was just reminiscing with Ryan "Ryborg" Stevens, drummer of Plowing Mud Forever over the days when we used to have band practice in midtown Manhattan. It's not that we miss the rehearsal space or the atmosphere of the city or the boring commute--it's the subway vandalism that seems to mysteriously follow us in the stations and sometimes even onto the trains.

With those fond memories fresh in my mind, and the Budweiser still flowing through my veins after the big Fear show in Brooklyn last night, I just could not resist assisting the giant 92.3 NEW subway ad in exposing Katy Perry as the Anti-Christ.

I apologize in advance if the purple-dyed Hitler 'stache catches on with poser mall punks all across the country, but I don't regret my statement. Katy Perry is a fucking tool and writes horrible, vapid music. She's got a pretty face and generic talent and it pisses me off how far that goes in the pop world. Bah. Grr. Fart. I'll go write a song about it and I'll show her! Nyah!

Anyway, some kids walked by while I was standing there and said "Wow, that's awesome." Vindication! I love livin' in the city!

Let's Play Funny/Not Funny

Funny:
Frank the Pizza Man is running for Councilman in Jersey City.

Not Funny:
Frank the Pizza Man is trying to "articulate" his "platform" on JCList.


Funny:
Plowing Mud Forever covers a billboard advertisement with its own stickers, intending to both thwart the trend of yuppie overcrowding in Jersey City and promote its performance at the 4th Street Art & Music Festival.

Not Funny:
Plowing Mud Forever neglects to read the 4th Street Art & Music Festival press release which mentions the billboard size "ad" that fellow local artist Steve Dressler is displaying for the exhibition.


Funny:
Getting to eat all the leftover candy my company gives me to hand out for Halloween, after 0 Trick-or-Treaters show up at my doorstep.

Not Funny:
"While I am very proud to announce that for the first time in company history we have 0 cases in remaining inventory for this selling season, unfortunately that does not allow us to do a desk drop to colleagues... Again, sorry. Have a safe Halloween."


Funny:


Not Funny:


Ok, that was funny.

Robeast Rollie Wuz Here

Some of my non-Wikipedia vandalism:

Wariokipedia

Urgent US State Department Warning!

September 18, 2008

This Travel Warning updates information on security threats and ongoing political violence in Pakmanistan and informs U.S. citizens of current safety and security concerns.  The Department of State continues to urge that Americans avoid all travel to Pakmanistan.  Americans who live and work in Pakmanistan presently should understand that they are accepting risks in remaining and should carefully consider those risks. Please try to avoid Ghosts, if possible, and above all, do not get eaten!

All Points Worst

Some guys I know sneaked into the All Points West Festival of Arts and Schmartz earlier this evening. The All Points West Festival is being held at Liberty State Park in lovely Jersey City, NJ, just about mile from where me, my friend Kirk, and the two guys we know that sneaked into it live.

When I first heard rumors about this festival coming to the East Coast (probably from Brooklyn Vegan or some shit), I was fucking psyched. I've never been to a proper music festival. Sure, I'd been to Ozzfest and Warped Tour a number of times, but those are traveling festivals; I always wanted to experience the three day, camp out, eat dirt, and bathe in feces kind of festival.

Then they announced the lineup and I crapped out a book on how to puke. I have a love/hate relationship with Radiohead. I haven't really listened to their last couple albums because I know I won't like them. I love The Bends. I love OK Computer. I like a lot of Kid A. I didn't need any more than that. I totally blew it when I didn't go see them at Liberty State Park back in 2001 because a then-recent ex-girlfriend was in the group going and blah blah blah. Fortunately, I own the Radiohead: Live at the Astoria and Meeting People is Easy, two DVD's from what I consider their most important years. Still, skipping that show is my second biggest show regret.

The first biggest show regret, for those keeping score, is when I went to see Mike Patton play a solo show at Tonic (when John Zorn owned it) (Fantomas had opened up for Tool at MSG that night)(this was also 2001)(god, 2001 really sucked, huh?) and had to leave just 10 minutes into his set because he went on so late and I still lived down the shore and I had to catch the last train back to the van I was borrowing that I had planned to sleep in at a rest stop on the Garden State Parkway so I could be on time meeting the rest of the work crew to drive us all to work at 6:30 the next morning. As far as I know, Patton has not played another solo show in seven years.

Anyway, beyond Radiohead, I don't give a microscopic shit about a single other band, so it's not worth it for me. I will spend the weekend out of town masturbating to thoughts of my fantasy lineup while the totally hardcore Jack Johnson fans invade my 'hood (make sure to chain up your surfboard, brah!).

While I personally won't be checking out this event, TWO GUYS I KNOW were curious enough to go check out the Festival Grounds a mere 14 hours before the gates open up. They just rushed back and told me all about it. The descriptions were so lifelike that I almost felt as if I were there myself, right down to the itchy fucking bug bites on their arms and bruises on their legs from bumping into things on the stage in the dark.

There are not a ton of secrets that my sources were able to divulge, but I'll give you a quick rundown of what they learned.

1. You can see all three stages pretty clearly just by standing on a bench like this and looking over the fence without having to pay for the $260+ ticket (Radiohead goes on at 8:30 Friday night).

2. You can also see this wooden dinosaur jigsaw looking thing:


3. Handwashing station water is NOT FOR DRINKING! Go for the Port-O-Pottie toliet water instead:


4. If you're trying to see the main stage, just look for the intense spotlights. Then close your eyes.


5. No outside food or beverage is allowed on the grounds. When something's eventually set on fire in protest, don't get caught standing near this ridiculous wicker thing:


6. All the three stages have ridiculous names--Blue Comet, Bullet, and this one, Queen of the Valley:


7. It's not vandalism if it's tape.


8. The first band performing on the Queen of the Valley stage on Friday is Lowry. Hopefully, they are Plowing Mud Forever fans.


9. When you discover that you are totally bored because all the bands suck and you aren't allowed to leave the festival grounds, you'll have no choice but to entertain yourself with weird art installations. One of them is a little forest with trees that play wilderness sound effects. This one is a Taj Mahal that plays shitty techno music:


10. If you need to sneak off and form a blazing sword with another concert-goer, make sure you do it behind the bushes:


Happy festivaling you dirty drunken bums.

Jesus, Save Me.

I can not stop editing Wikipedia pages.

The RoBeast vs. Wikipedia: Round Two

All of the Wikipedia vandalism descibed in my last entry was reverted overnight. The person who edited them back was kind enough to call it "cute" and didn't ban my IP address. Of course, I wasn't satisfied with my vandalism lasting less than 24 hours, so like any gambling addict would, I didn't quit while I was ahead.

I first hit up the Megan's Law page:

Not as cute, I suppose. It was reverted within seconds. As was this:


I (or should I say, my anonymous IP address) received another warning, but still haven't been banned or anything. I have discovered that there are people patrolling these Wikipedia pages with anti-vandalism tools that catch shit within seconds of an edit. I suppose I can either stop vandalizing pages, find less popular pages, or teach the world to get a sense of humor.

Let's see if The Used's fans can handle another benign attack...


I don't know what it is that I find so hilarious about Wikipedia vandalism besides my obvious problem with authority and penchant for smartassedness. I don't laugh too hard at most stand-up and am typically unimpressed by the average comedy film. I like to think that my sense of humor is a little dark and sophisticated. But on Wikipedia, the most simple, lowest common denominator-style vulgarity or non-sequitur makes me laugh my ass off.

For instance, someone made an edit to the Stemshorn page that made me chortle. There's really nothing to the page (which I guess is what made it a target), other than a map and some text:

Stemshorn is a municipality in the district of Diepholz, in Lower Saxony, Germany.

Someone changed this to:

Stemshorn is a municipality in the district of Diepholz, in Lower Saxony, Brazil.

It was reverted. He was warned. A week later the same user changed it to this:

Stemshorn is a fucking awesome species of reindeer located district of Diepholz, in Lower Saxony, Germany.

The second edit really got me going. It may be the tenacity of the vandal that excites me. I can identify with that underdog mentality. The person knows that it's going to be reverted again, but just can't resist doing again, and even one-upped himself (or herself). It's not just the attitude, but the context that's funny. It's such a serious, boring page, that any little piece of flair shines. The word "fucking" blatantly undermines the "Quiet! in the Library" attitude and puts a smile to my face (not so much with Panic! at the Disco though). The word "reindeer" is pretty silly too. And, I don't know... this person may be telling the truth. Maybe the Stemshorn is a species of reindeer. And maybe it is fucking awesome! I don't know, but I think that your average 5th grader knows not to quote Wikipedia for their fucking report on Germany, so there. Victim-less crime.

Like I said last time, it's all for the lulz, so I won't spend too much arguing on the moral implications of internet vandalism. I'm also going to keep doing it as long as I can do it humorously. My Q*Bert McCracken was reverted after 50 minutes and I the Erff is still alive and kickin'.

The Stemshorn vandal received a 31(?)-hour suspension from editing pages on Wikipedia.

The RoBeast terrorizes Wikipedia

I've been perusing Wikipedia for about an hour now looking for a page to vandalize (yes, I'm bad to the bone). I'm basically just looking for a really boring page that hasn't been updated in a long time so I can throw a funny word or two into a paragraph that won't be malicious or slanderous, and more importantly, won't be noticed or fixed right away. Ok, I know vandalism is inherently malicious, but I'm just doing it for the lulz. If you want to argue morals with me, go right ahead. I'm that bored.

Anywhooooo, I ended up in the zoology department clicking around until I landed on the Notochord page. I considering hitting that page, but when I checked the history tab first and noticed some recent activity, I decided to pass. Some dorkus probably has it on their watchlist or something. I figured while I was there, I may as well scroll through the page and learn what a notochord is. Then I discovered some funny text on the bottom:

The notochord secretes a protein called sonic hedgehog homolog (SHH), a key morphogen regulating organogenesis and having a critical role in signaling the development of motoneurons^[1]. The secretion of SHH by the notochord establishes the ventral pole of the dorsal-ventral axis in the developing embryo.

Did someone beat me to the vandalism?

Actually, no. Sonic Hedgehog Homolog is real. And boy, did I learn my lesson. I tried to take a short cut and be a 2-bit anonymous vandal, when I could have just studied biology in college and went to years and years of grad school to discover something unique and give a silly name - THE HONEST WAY!

Ah, fuck it, I'll take the warp zone.

I'm sure Mr. Cuomo would consider this a compliment.


I'm so immature, but I just can't help myself.

1-up?