Draw Muhammad Day 2010

You can do your own research into what Draw Muhammed Day 2010 is. It shouldn't be too difficult today (unless you live in Pakistan). I am just going to unveil my drawing and say that I think Free Speech and Comedy will forever be more important than any Religion. Have a fun life (and donate blood if you can).

Ssips Sso Sserious

I gave the gift of a bloody bloodbag of blood again last week, and in return for my donation, the NY/NJ Blood Services gave me all Ssips I could drink. For the uninitiated, Ssips is a beverage that comes in various juice and tea flavors, and most frequently packaged as a small drink box. According to an unreliable looking website they are manufactured right here in New Jersey by Johanna Foods. The same website claims that Ssips was "voted the 'Best Overall Commercial Iced Tea' by the regional Mount Holly, New Jersey Iced Tea Club"--a group clearly more trustworthy than than the Long Island Iced Tea Club.

As I sat down nibbling cookies and drinking my juice, I noticed that the Ssips boxes all had philosophical quotes on the side. I never noticed this before. According to internet history/hearsay, Ssips featured the same quote on all boxes until 2ooo, when they expanded their repertoire. In effort to replenish my fluids after donating my reddest, I drank down (or Ssipped up) additional inspiration from Frank Capra, Ernest Hemingway, and Sophocles. It was a interesting change from the snappy, quirky commentary you usually find on beverage containers these days.

And for a brand whose name spells PISS backwards, they certainly seem to keep a straight face marvelously.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Failure

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES KNIT HAT

WARNER BROTHERS

SIZE: BOYS ONE SIZE FITS ALL

NEW WITH TAGS

COLOR IS BLACK

I spotted this ebay auction last night while searching for a new winter hat. Something tells me this isn't an official Warner Brothers release. I myself have an obsession with symmetry, but that doesn't give me the right to tell 4 Teenage Mutant Turtles with lethal weapons that they are hereby relieved of their Ninja duties. I was tempted to bid anyway (they're only asking $0.99) thinking it may be a mistake and a future collector's item, but I'm quite sure it's a homemade and therefore, completely worthless.

On the other hand, it's possible that this was a hat abandoned by a disgruntled employee of Toyota Motor Manufacturing Turkey Inc. at the doorstep of Warner Brothers Studios, and just like Splinter adopted the 4 young Turtles, kshanks18 took the beanie in as his own and prepared it for the world. Kshanks18, not trained in the ways of Ninjitsu, still tried to be a good sensei and gave the cap a well-rounded education in the Martial Arts. Thus were born, the Teenage Mutant Martial-Art Turtles.

Ultimately, I decided to buy a different hat, so kshanks18 will not get to experience what I consider the Coolest Ebay Feedback In The History of Ebay Feedback That Gets Fed Back Via Ebay Feeback:

• Seller must be a Wizard. Transaction was magical. A+++ x A++++++ = A++++++++++++
• Supermegaultrafast. I would give you 18 hundred thousand stars if I could
• Item came awesomely fast in awesomely good condition. A++++++++++wesome Ebayer.
• The superproduct arrived superfast. Eraserhead21 is a super-ebayer. Superduper!!
• Thanks for bundling this set together. I love you.
• CD arrived quickly and in perfect condition. you rock the casbah.
• Good price and good shipping time! good! happy! buy! buy! buy!
• Fantastic transaction. A Plus Times Infinity. Exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Received DVD very very very very very very very very very very very very quickly

I CAN'T WAIT TO BUY MORE SHIT!!!!!!!!++++++++++++++++!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until then, watch this TMNT animation. It gets really weird towards the end.

Let's Play Funny/Not Funny

Funny:
Frank the Pizza Man is running for Councilman in Jersey City.

Not Funny:
Frank the Pizza Man is trying to "articulate" his "platform" on JCList.


Funny:
Plowing Mud Forever covers a billboard advertisement with its own stickers, intending to both thwart the trend of yuppie overcrowding in Jersey City and promote its performance at the 4th Street Art & Music Festival.

Not Funny:
Plowing Mud Forever neglects to read the 4th Street Art & Music Festival press release which mentions the billboard size "ad" that fellow local artist Steve Dressler is displaying for the exhibition.


Funny:
Getting to eat all the leftover candy my company gives me to hand out for Halloween, after 0 Trick-or-Treaters show up at my doorstep.

Not Funny:
"While I am very proud to announce that for the first time in company history we have 0 cases in remaining inventory for this selling season, unfortunately that does not allow us to do a desk drop to colleagues... Again, sorry. Have a safe Halloween."


Funny:


Not Funny:


Ok, that was funny.

Bruce Springsteen is the RoBeast's Shidoshi

The Karate Kid was one of my favorite movies back in '84. Since my mom wouldn't let me take karate lessons and Mr. Miyagi refused to train me, I was forced to learn how to fight by watching the flood of Post-Karate Kid martial arts movies shown on HBO instead. Ninja 3: The Domination, The Last Dragon, Best of the Best, No Retreat, No Surrender, Road House. I watched all that shit until I realized just how corny it was (and then when I got beat up, I realized that I hadn't actually learned how to fight at all). One movie that stood out from the pack was Bloodsport.

Totally corny, yes, but still fucking awesome. Plus, it's sort of a true story! It's replete with ridiculous Jean-Claude faces in slow-motion, hard rockin' Stan Bush musical montages, and Forrest Whitaker getting outsmarted at every turn (as usual). The Kumite was the March Madness of full contact fighting, and I ate it up.

Bloodsport meant a lot of things to a lot of people. To Frank Dux, it was a way to honor his fallen Shidoshi. To Chong Li, it was a lesson that cheaters never win. To Jean-Claude Van Damme, it meant a chance to wear tank tops, blush ,and do splits in front of an 80's-hot blonde. To Donald Gibb, it meant a chance to take his Nerd-beating skills to an international arena.

Bloodsport meant a lot to me too. I never had a Super Nintendo, so I could constantly watch it and pretend I was playing Street Fighter 2. And I just discovered this week that around the world, Bloodsport meant a lot of semi-Engrish translations and silly alternate titles. Nine of the following titles are versions of Bloodsport released internationally. See if you guess which ones are real (without cheating, Chong Li!).

1. Bloody Sport
2. Ensanguined Games
3. Tournament of Plasma
4. Friendship Unbroken
   
5. Bloodsport: All Strikes Are Allowed
6. Bloodsport: Tanaka's Honor
   
7. Bloodsport: A True Story
8. Forbidden Battle
   
9. Destructive Force
10. Without Exclusion of Blows
11. Bloodsport: To The Last Man
12. Heroic Red Hemorrhage
    
13. The Challenge
14. OK! USA!
15. American Ass: The Frank Dux Story
    
16. Fighting Spirit: The Frank Dux Legacy
17. Bloody Contact
18. You Are Nex