I don't don't know about you, but doesn't this not seem like the least worst shipping label Staples hasn't never not sold?
May 18, 2011
May 17, 2011
May 8, 2011
Advanced Minimally Invasive Surgery
Amputation was last considered minimally invasive in the 1800s, so I think it's time for a new mascot.
April 28, 2011
April 12, 2011
Robeast Review - Foo Fighters - Wasting Light
I haven't had time to do this in quite a while, so I'm going to give it a shot while my steak is marinating in the fridge.
The Foo Fighters. I love their first two albums a lot, but each subsequent release has gone downhill. Not that there aren't killer songs on each album--just that there are fewer each time. Probot was a great detour for Dave Grohl and had hoped he would have packed up the Foos Ball Table at that point for good and continued the heavier streak, but it didn't happen.
An odd thing happened after that actually. They put out a double album--one disc hard, and one soft. I loved the soft one, but hated the hard one. Go figure. I didn't buy whatever came after that because all of their hard rock songs had continued bleeding together into one generic mess of recycled bland lyrics.
So now we've got this Wasting Light disc, recorded totally analog from what I understand. It comes out tomorrow and is streaming on their website. I will disclose that I have heard 4.5 songs from this album already. I liked the one full track I heard, liked the half of the one that I heard the half of, liked most of another, and was not so impressed with the other two. Let's see if statistics get even more less articulate as I press play.
"Bridge Burning" - This is the half-song I heard months ago when they first teased the album. The intro is quick kick ass. The verses remind me of a combination of the verses from "All My Life" and an awesome old FF tune called "Winnebago." They sound good and build a lot tension (or that might be the fact that there's no fucking pause button which is giving me extreme anxiety). Unfortunately they build to a boring chorus. No wait, it was just a boring pre-chorus. The real chorus is not amazing, but at least it's not as bad as the "Whatever keeps you warm..." part. Then it starts over. Ok, the real chorus is growing on me thanks to all the harmonies. By the end of the song, I'm whistling the damn chorus. Good job.
"Rope" - Here's the one I've heard a lot on the radio. My first impression of this was "Great song--terrible chorus." This chorus has NOT grown on me. I still hate it. The lyrics feel generic and tacked on. I loved Dave Grohl's nonsensical lyrics and rhymes from the debut album, but once he started trying to communicate a message, I felt that it often felt bland and forced. It's a shame because the rest of the song is really awesome. From now on, whenever the Foo Fighters blow a chorus in an otherwise good song, it will be known as Wasting Light.
"Dear Rosemary" - This song is special to me because I plan to name my first daughter Rosemary. Rosemary Parmesan. This track is all right. The hook (the beginning guitar lick and subsequent vocal melody) sounds very familiar, but I can't place it yet. In fact, I refuse to go on with this review until I figure out what the hook reminds me of.
All right, I've got it. It's actually two songs. Dusty Springfield's "I Only Want To Be With You" and Oasis' "Acquiesce." Now I can eat my steak...
Other parts of the songs sound like Joe Jackson's "Is She Really Going Out With Him?", Tub Ring's "No One Wants to Play" and the "Got away/got away/got away..." part reminds me of another song that I'm not going to waste any more time trying to figure out. Someone is singing backup vocals. The whole song is catchy, but mostly because it makes me think of 15 other songs.
"White Limo" - This is another one I've heard and like. I actually heard it on WSOU, a metal radio station, most likely because of all the screaming vocals, which sounds pretty awesome. The vocals remind of "Watershed" from the debut album. The music is more straightforward and steady though. Not bad necessarily. The chorus is pretty safe (and again, catchy), but at least there's a blood curdling howl later on.
"Arlandria" - Some crappy generic rhymes in the beginning and a vaguely familiar 4-chord progression that builds to a couple more parts with some more crappy lyrics and more vaguely familiar progressions. Every time I hear these progressions I can't figure out if they're from a song I've heard, or if I've used them before myself. That's not good. Familiar IS NOT good. I need to be surprised to be impressed. Anyway, the production and recording here is still top notch. Surprising and impressive.
"These Days" - Great verses. Very pretty. But then another chorus that I'm just not crazy about. The arrangement is pretty stereotypical Foo Fighters. That's not good.
"Back & Forth" - The opening melody could be addressed in this post. It gets less predictable after a bit at least, but once again, the chorus Wastes Light. "Back & Forth," "Now & Then," "Down & Out." These phrases all appear in the chorus. I feel like these aren't in there to ironically exploit cliche phrase--I think Dave's just running out of shit to say.
"A Matter of Time" - Fun guitar play and vocals here. I think this is the first time I was really reminded that there are three guitarists in the band now. In fact, the awesome 3-guitar spread over the stereo spectrum here is making me completely ignore the lyrics, which probably suck. This track is probably a throwaway, but I think I mostly liked it.
"Miss the Misery" - The guitar reminds me of early Pearl Jam. It's a Leslie cabinet, I guess? I think this one will be mostly unmemorable, but I still can't say anything bad about it.
"I Should Have Known" - Lo-fi intro. Dave opens the lyrics by rhyming "way" with "way," the motherfucker. This is heavier than anything on the softer side of that dual In Your Honor disc I was talking about before, but with acoustic guitars, it probably would have fit in there nicely. It actually builds to a much heavier place than it started, so maybe it could have been the perfect song to bridge the gap between disc 2 and disc 1 back in 2005. It ends with another everybody-stop-then-Dave-shouts-something line that I feel has been used already a few times on this album, but I'm not going to go back and confirm, so you're on your own.
"Walk" - When I heard this one the other day on the radio I wasn't too crazy about it. I think I like it better the second time around. Well, almost. Halfway through the song, there's a string of lame rhymes and cliches that are eventually delivered with the exact same phrasing as "Best of You." It also sort of sounds like "DOA," another late period Foo Fighters song that I don't care for, despite it's catchiness. It's also got a really abrupt, non-epic ending for an album closer. I can get on board with that. I'm glad they didn't drag it out because they felt obligated too. I mean that in a lot of ways.
The Foo Fighters. I love their first two albums a lot, but each subsequent release has gone downhill. Not that there aren't killer songs on each album--just that there are fewer each time. Probot was a great detour for Dave Grohl and had hoped he would have packed up the Foos Ball Table at that point for good and continued the heavier streak, but it didn't happen.
An odd thing happened after that actually. They put out a double album--one disc hard, and one soft. I loved the soft one, but hated the hard one. Go figure. I didn't buy whatever came after that because all of their hard rock songs had continued bleeding together into one generic mess of recycled bland lyrics.
So now we've got this Wasting Light disc, recorded totally analog from what I understand. It comes out tomorrow and is streaming on their website. I will disclose that I have heard 4.5 songs from this album already. I liked the one full track I heard, liked the half of the one that I heard the half of, liked most of another, and was not so impressed with the other two. Let's see if statistics get even more less articulate as I press play.
"Bridge Burning" - This is the half-song I heard months ago when they first teased the album. The intro is quick kick ass. The verses remind me of a combination of the verses from "All My Life" and an awesome old FF tune called "Winnebago." They sound good and build a lot tension (or that might be the fact that there's no fucking pause button which is giving me extreme anxiety). Unfortunately they build to a boring chorus. No wait, it was just a boring pre-chorus. The real chorus is not amazing, but at least it's not as bad as the "Whatever keeps you warm..." part. Then it starts over. Ok, the real chorus is growing on me thanks to all the harmonies. By the end of the song, I'm whistling the damn chorus. Good job.
"Rope" - Here's the one I've heard a lot on the radio. My first impression of this was "Great song--terrible chorus." This chorus has NOT grown on me. I still hate it. The lyrics feel generic and tacked on. I loved Dave Grohl's nonsensical lyrics and rhymes from the debut album, but once he started trying to communicate a message, I felt that it often felt bland and forced. It's a shame because the rest of the song is really awesome. From now on, whenever the Foo Fighters blow a chorus in an otherwise good song, it will be known as Wasting Light.
"Dear Rosemary" - This song is special to me because I plan to name my first daughter Rosemary. Rosemary Parmesan. This track is all right. The hook (the beginning guitar lick and subsequent vocal melody) sounds very familiar, but I can't place it yet. In fact, I refuse to go on with this review until I figure out what the hook reminds me of.
All right, I've got it. It's actually two songs. Dusty Springfield's "I Only Want To Be With You" and Oasis' "Acquiesce." Now I can eat my steak...
Other parts of the songs sound like Joe Jackson's "Is She Really Going Out With Him?", Tub Ring's "No One Wants to Play" and the "Got away/got away/got away..." part reminds me of another song that I'm not going to waste any more time trying to figure out. Someone is singing backup vocals. The whole song is catchy, but mostly because it makes me think of 15 other songs.
"White Limo" - This is another one I've heard and like. I actually heard it on WSOU, a metal radio station, most likely because of all the screaming vocals, which sounds pretty awesome. The vocals remind of "Watershed" from the debut album. The music is more straightforward and steady though. Not bad necessarily. The chorus is pretty safe (and again, catchy), but at least there's a blood curdling howl later on.
"Arlandria" - Some crappy generic rhymes in the beginning and a vaguely familiar 4-chord progression that builds to a couple more parts with some more crappy lyrics and more vaguely familiar progressions. Every time I hear these progressions I can't figure out if they're from a song I've heard, or if I've used them before myself. That's not good. Familiar IS NOT good. I need to be surprised to be impressed. Anyway, the production and recording here is still top notch. Surprising and impressive.
"These Days" - Great verses. Very pretty. But then another chorus that I'm just not crazy about. The arrangement is pretty stereotypical Foo Fighters. That's not good.
"Back & Forth" - The opening melody could be addressed in this post. It gets less predictable after a bit at least, but once again, the chorus Wastes Light. "Back & Forth," "Now & Then," "Down & Out." These phrases all appear in the chorus. I feel like these aren't in there to ironically exploit cliche phrase--I think Dave's just running out of shit to say.
"A Matter of Time" - Fun guitar play and vocals here. I think this is the first time I was really reminded that there are three guitarists in the band now. In fact, the awesome 3-guitar spread over the stereo spectrum here is making me completely ignore the lyrics, which probably suck. This track is probably a throwaway, but I think I mostly liked it.
"Miss the Misery" - The guitar reminds me of early Pearl Jam. It's a Leslie cabinet, I guess? I think this one will be mostly unmemorable, but I still can't say anything bad about it.
"I Should Have Known" - Lo-fi intro. Dave opens the lyrics by rhyming "way" with "way," the motherfucker. This is heavier than anything on the softer side of that dual In Your Honor disc I was talking about before, but with acoustic guitars, it probably would have fit in there nicely. It actually builds to a much heavier place than it started, so maybe it could have been the perfect song to bridge the gap between disc 2 and disc 1 back in 2005. It ends with another everybody-stop-then-Dave-shouts-something line that I feel has been used already a few times on this album, but I'm not going to go back and confirm, so you're on your own.
"Walk" - When I heard this one the other day on the radio I wasn't too crazy about it. I think I like it better the second time around. Well, almost. Halfway through the song, there's a string of lame rhymes and cliches that are eventually delivered with the exact same phrasing as "Best of You." It also sort of sounds like "DOA," another late period Foo Fighters song that I don't care for, despite it's catchiness. It's also got a really abrupt, non-epic ending for an album closer. I can get on board with that. I'm glad they didn't drag it out because they felt obligated too. I mean that in a lot of ways.
April 9, 2011
Defekate Plus 8
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| My favorite TLC show. |
I can't believe the search strings "Defekate Plus 8" "Defekate Plus Eight" "Defecate Plus 8" and "Defecate Plus Eight" did not exist until right now. You're welcome, Internet.
April 2, 2011
Jeepers Creepers
Who will be the first parent to see if this stroller can actually handle snowy downhill mountain terrain?
I actually love the packaging because it's so completely ridiculous. Here are some of Jeep's rejected box images:
I actually love the packaging because it's so completely ridiculous. Here are some of Jeep's rejected box images:
The Jambalaya Monolith
Look at this fucking Jambalaya:
The message I get from the packaging is:
"Jambalaya Mix - 25% less sodium than our original Jamabalaya Mix, but still 15% more than the leading Rice Mix product!"
I know the "15% MORE" actually refers to how much rice is in the box, compared to another brand (a footnote way at the bottom of the backside), but I think it's still a poor design choice. My brain instinctively links the two blue banners together, so I naturally consider the two messages related. I also fixate on numbers when grocery shopping, so I scrutinize any random percentage thrown on the front of a box. I think they could have avoided the perceived conflict by adding the word "RICE" after the word "MORE." Or even an arrow from the "15% MORE!" pointing to the "8 OZ." below it. I admit, the box sucked me in with the "Reduced Sodium" claim, but the other confusing message gave me pause.
But who am I kidding? With that tasty looking picture, it could have said 15% MORE COCKROACH PUBES! and I still would've bought it.
The message I get from the packaging is:
"Jambalaya Mix - 25% less sodium than our original Jamabalaya Mix, but still 15% more than the leading Rice Mix product!"
I know the "15% MORE" actually refers to how much rice is in the box, compared to another brand (a footnote way at the bottom of the backside), but I think it's still a poor design choice. My brain instinctively links the two blue banners together, so I naturally consider the two messages related. I also fixate on numbers when grocery shopping, so I scrutinize any random percentage thrown on the front of a box. I think they could have avoided the perceived conflict by adding the word "RICE" after the word "MORE." Or even an arrow from the "15% MORE!" pointing to the "8 OZ." below it. I admit, the box sucked me in with the "Reduced Sodium" claim, but the other confusing message gave me pause.
But who am I kidding? With that tasty looking picture, it could have said 15% MORE COCKROACH PUBES! and I still would've bought it.
Benevolence and Malice in Graffiti
I was in the restroom of a restaurant recently (PEEING!) and spotted a funny sign. The original version was fairly typical--inconsistent capitalization, a typo, and no punctuation--but what made it uniquely ambitious was the attempt to combine two barely related instructions on one piece of paper. That of course gave some clever urinator the idea of linking them and completely changing the message:
I was very impressed by the simplicity of the two X's creating a positive (albeit pro-smoking),LOLworthy message through omission all the while leaving the original message visible so the viewer could compare both. Maybe it was just laziness, but I think that simplicity made it twice as funny.
Of course, I was slightly intoxicated and figured it would be a good idea to continue the evolution of graffiti:
My self-psychoanalysis screams jealousy. My brain clearly fixated on "king" because of the need to one-up and become the clever graffiti champion of this territory. I continued the battle theme by referencing Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! and writing IN BOLD CAPS. Also, clearly not content with the simplicity of the previous vandal's X's, I instead went for violent scribbles.
Not surprisingly, the sign was removed soon after. I hope you all learned a lesson today.
(the lesson is always take a picture of your vandalism)
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Of course, I was slightly intoxicated and figured it would be a good idea to continue the evolution of graffiti:
 |
My self-psychoanalysis screams jealousy. My brain clearly fixated on "king" because of the need to one-up and become the clever graffiti champion of this territory. I continued the battle theme by referencing Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! and writing IN BOLD CAPS. Also, clearly not content with the simplicity of the previous vandal's X's, I instead went for violent scribbles.
Not surprisingly, the sign was removed soon after. I hope you all learned a lesson today.
(the lesson is always take a picture of your vandalism)
March 8, 2011
Douche Nozzle
I came across some silly clip art today while attempting to make an "Out of Order" Powerpoint slide for a broken water dispenser and was tempted to post this sign in the company cafe area:
Look at how happy that guy is!
Look at how happy that guy is!
March 7, 2011
Mega Millions of Liars
There's a billboard I pass every day on Rt. 280 in Newark that updates commuters with the current Mega Millions jackpot. While I am usually miserable after a long day of work, I am only occasionally vulnerable enough to go buy lottery tickets. I know it's not logical, but I play whenever the jackpot is insanely high. The last time this occurred was at the end of December last year. It was over $200 million and I picked up some tickets. By the time the jackpot was finally won in early January, it was up to $380 million. I obviously didn't win.
But even after the jackpot was won, my excitement did not end.There was a glitch on the board, and the top piece of what had previously been a "3" still remained lit.
I couldn't wait to see the jackpot get up to $100 million, and have the glitch turn the 1 into a 7. People would go apeshit thinking that the lottery was a record-high $700 million. But every time the prize got close to $100 million, somebody would claim it. All through January and February, my dreams of crushing dreams were crushed.
Then finally this week, it happened...
I'm sort of amazed that nobody from the lottery commission has climbed up and fixed this by now, but I'm sure the mistake definitely works in their favor in terms of ticket sales. Lottery fever is highly contagious once triple digits occur, and this obscene number is twice as much as the highest prize ever won. It's currently up to $127 million, but if it gets much higher, the numbers will look normal again. $200 million and $300 million will look like they're supposed to. It won't be until $400 million that the numbers will get screwy again. $400 million will look like $900 million. Though highly unlikely to occur (or fool anyone), I've got my fingers crossed.
But even after the jackpot was won, my excitement did not end.There was a glitch on the board, and the top piece of what had previously been a "3" still remained lit.
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| Mega Millions Glitch on the Left |
Then finally this week, it happened...
I'm sort of amazed that nobody from the lottery commission has climbed up and fixed this by now, but I'm sure the mistake definitely works in their favor in terms of ticket sales. Lottery fever is highly contagious once triple digits occur, and this obscene number is twice as much as the highest prize ever won. It's currently up to $127 million, but if it gets much higher, the numbers will look normal again. $200 million and $300 million will look like they're supposed to. It won't be until $400 million that the numbers will get screwy again. $400 million will look like $900 million. Though highly unlikely to occur (or fool anyone), I've got my fingers crossed.
March 1, 2011
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February 20, 2011
Self-Fulfilling Muphry's Law
I saved a screenshot of this well-placed typo on a resource list from a vendor I frequently use. I have no idea if it's intentional or not(e).
February 10, 2011
RPM Challenge 2011 - Day 10
Got a migraine at work so I left early. Escaped in sleep for 4 hours on the couch, then wrote a song. I'm not feeling like I'm making enough progress this year. I want to throw up--literally, figuratively, and musically.
February 6, 2011
RPM Challenge 2011 - Day 6
Well I've seem to have fallen back on my old habit of just coming up with a lot of riffs that sort of fit together, then starting a new song and completely forgetting how the last one went. Fortunately, I am video recording everything new I come up with AND writing down the tablature (the failure of which was big mistake last year).
I have been slowly adding lyrics to the themes I had started, but the music portion is sort of taking off on its own. I don't want to be inefficient, so I hope they meet somewhere down the road but at the same time I don't want to force fit them. The final progress report for the weekend is not going to look very good. I slept A LOT and worked on music A LITTLE. This is what I've unofficially recorded (titles are just what I saved them as):
"Another Knight Rider Storms the Bus/Bites the Dust" - fairly complete musically, 4 minutes
"Gipsysong" - this one's got the golden riff, and part to follow it, but not much else. it's in 3/4
"Jesusliz" - two big parts so far to this one, and lyrics to the chorus. this will probably morph into that "Man in the Moon" song, which will then morph into "Fireman in the Moon."
"Let's Not Go Bowling" - Frankensteined the music to this one together in Wavepad. i'm still moving things around structurally, but I think I have enough parts for it. i'm not 100% it will actually become "let's not go bowling."
"Riffff66666" - another two-parter Jesus Lizard ripoff.
"Summertimes" - just two parts and a few words. i don't there will be much more than that, but I still need to find something to sing for the chorus
"Survivor of the Tiger" - musically, I've got two parts written with a weak transition between them. I have lyrics to the chorus, but haven't translated it to the guitar yet. i wrote a lot of silly words, but they may be a little too silly.
"wwwwww" - Just a couple of dissonant chords I was strumming late Friday night, but didn't write down how to play them, and the camera is at a bad angle for seeing my fingers.
That's about it so far. I feel like I'm behind, but I'm probably about where I was last year. RoBeastress is out town this week, so I should be able to record a track or two without anyone seeing my tantrums. It looks like I didn't even start recording until the 20th day last year. How the hell did I finish in just 8 days?
I have been slowly adding lyrics to the themes I had started, but the music portion is sort of taking off on its own. I don't want to be inefficient, so I hope they meet somewhere down the road but at the same time I don't want to force fit them. The final progress report for the weekend is not going to look very good. I slept A LOT and worked on music A LITTLE. This is what I've unofficially recorded (titles are just what I saved them as):
"Another Knight Rider Storms the Bus/Bites the Dust" - fairly complete musically, 4 minutes
"Gipsysong" - this one's got the golden riff, and part to follow it, but not much else. it's in 3/4
"Jesusliz" - two big parts so far to this one, and lyrics to the chorus. this will probably morph into that "Man in the Moon" song, which will then morph into "Fireman in the Moon."
"Let's Not Go Bowling" - Frankensteined the music to this one together in Wavepad. i'm still moving things around structurally, but I think I have enough parts for it. i'm not 100% it will actually become "let's not go bowling."
"Riffff66666" - another two-parter Jesus Lizard ripoff.
"Summertimes" - just two parts and a few words. i don't there will be much more than that, but I still need to find something to sing for the chorus
"Survivor of the Tiger" - musically, I've got two parts written with a weak transition between them. I have lyrics to the chorus, but haven't translated it to the guitar yet. i wrote a lot of silly words, but they may be a little too silly.
"wwwwww" - Just a couple of dissonant chords I was strumming late Friday night, but didn't write down how to play them, and the camera is at a bad angle for seeing my fingers.
That's about it so far. I feel like I'm behind, but I'm probably about where I was last year. RoBeastress is out town this week, so I should be able to record a track or two without anyone seeing my tantrums. It looks like I didn't even start recording until the 20th day last year. How the hell did I finish in just 8 days?
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