Toyota -- Is this what utter humiliation looks like?

The long form video of the Toyota Highlander video entitled "Scatter" that I (and many YouTube commenters) whined about earlier has now been made "private" meaning by ToyotaUSA channel. It is no longer accessible to anybody on YouTube. Does that mean we win? Were they finally ashamed enough to pull it? Did my "Fuck this elitist bullshit" comment put them over the edge?

Coincidentally, I still have the comment page open in another tab of my browser, not because I anticipated this moment, but because I'm lazy. But lucky for us, I can show you all the responses that were on the page 7 or 8 hours ago before they decided to hide them.

When I last saw the original video, it had 1 "like" and 44 "dislikes." I'm not sure at what point it was pulled (but thanks to fellow Blogger Trix for catching it). The 15-second "short" version of the commercial is still up on the Tubes, but it doesn't look like it's getting many positive comments either.

He who dies with the most Toyotas wins?

Nope.

I saw this Toyota Highlander commercial the other day and it really fired me up:



[update 1: video is mirrored here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzuK85t2jlE]

I've owned a couple used Toyotas and really have nothing exceptionally negative to say about their vehicles (except for that one time my hood flew off the car for no apparent reason while driving 50 mph), but their attitude in this commercial is really pitiful. Shit like this is why economically disadvantaged kids get beat up and made fun of. Whether it be about sneakers, jeans, electronics, or this case, to suggest that a child should feel shame for what vehicle his family owns is incredibly irresponsible and downright mean. What's really shameful is that they are actually paying another child to spew this elitist propaganda and essentially bully you, and anyone else with a car that's not up to their standards.

Now I recognize this specific commercial, "Scatter," is part of a larger campaign where the focus is "Lame Parents," and in a larger context, you can see elements of that in this commercial, but as a stand-alone, it's not enough to distract from the loudest message--station wagon kid=lame, Toyota kid=lucky. Personally, I thought flannel was cool again these days, but what do I know? I know that I'm able to read between the lines of their advertisement, and since they have a 12-year old acting as their pitchman, I'm pretty sure children will be reading between them too.

In conclusion, fuck you big time Toyota, and fuck you too Saatchi & Saatchi for putting the "Lame" campaign together for them. I'm so happy to see the negative response these videos are getting on YouTube. It will be even better when they realize what assholes they are and pull the commercials from the air.

[update 2: ToyotaUSA put the video in "private" hours later. read more in my follow-up post.]

[update 3: In a blatant attempt for page traffic, I just wanted to add the words "complaint" "offensive" and "sucks" ;) ]

American Express: The Plot Sickens

Further dicking around on the American Express website netted this banner:









The shimmering golden shower behind the phrase "including those already purchased" was enough for me to call up and see just WTF was the deal at that place. After entering my card number and security code to the automated cyborg, my balance was spit back at me. $38, yeah I know. Thanks. Pressing zero a few times got me to a human, who, as you could guess, asked me to give him my card number and security code. Again.

I told him that I activated my card today and discovered that my balance was much lower than the amount stated on the card. Then I told him that I saw on the website that cards are apparently not subject to fees or lost value any more, including ones already purchased.

He, Carlos, explained that my card was purchased in April 2008. To me, that seems to fit the criteria--it was purchased and already purchased--so I would think these fees would be waived, but it's not the case, apparently. My monthly fees were charged according to the original rules--12 months of no fees, then 6 months of $2 fees from April 2009 until October 2009 when they came up with the New American Express Gift Card no fee promotion. Cards are not reimbursed retroactively.

You may be saying to yourself, "Retroactive? But RoBeast Rollie's gift card wasn't actually activated until today!" Excellent question, you!

Turns out that there is no such thing as activating a gift card. They are "automatically activated upon purchase" and the 12 month waiving of charges followed by monthly fees begins immediately.  That sticker on the card that says "To activate your Card, please call 1-888-233-8637" in big purple letters is a figment of your imagination. The automated voice that answers with "Thank you for calling American Express Gift Card Activation Line" is just joking. If you follow the prompts and enter your card information, and the voice says "Your gift card from American Express is active and ready for use. Please remove the activation sticker now. No further action is needed," then I don't know what you're smoking because that didn't happen, dude.

So, my fees will not reimbursed because of American Express' activation scam. And those sons of bitches covered their own tracks too. In that activation call you just imagined in the last paragraph they say "Your gift card from American Express is active and ready for use."  They purposely don't say "Your gift card is now activated" because, to them, it's already active. You don't know that, because, to you, the ambiguous verb tense of "active" feels like it applies to the present. And technically, it does because it's active in that's it's actively incurring monthly fees. Motherfuckers.

And I didn't realize this until I called The Activation Line back so I could get exact quotes for this blog entry, but I really did imagine entering my Gift Card information. You see, they only technically ask you to enter the last 5 numbers of the card. Of course this means that you can enter virtually ANY FUCKING NUMBER and it will give you the same "Your American Express gift card is active" line.  69317, 64825, 45876, 66669, 90210... it doesn't matter because any card they've ever issued is already activated and your pressing of numbers and pound keys just sells the fucking illusion! And you're too busy feeling joy over the gift you just got to stop and realize that you are actually being taken advantage of.

It's amazing that they even go through the charade of the activation. I told Carlos that I was confused as to why the cards would even be shipped with the sticker on them and he mumbled his way through a non-explanation and then actually asked me why I was confused. Why? WHY, CARLOS? I guess I'm confused as to why anyone would work for such a deceptive company. To their credit (pun not intended), they have discontinued this practice of monthly fees, but how long did this bullshit go on for and how much did they steal from people? I guarantee this only stopped when they got called on it. Maybe I'm really more sad than confused. Sad that lots of people probably lost lots of money. Sad that giant corporations will actually go to the length of setting up official sounding phone lines for the sole purpose of deceiving people. Sad that any business can put "America" in their company name and then turn around and FUCK AMERICANS EVERY DAY.

Well... that's my $38.02. Thanks for listening.

The Vector Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker Et Cetera

I recently bought the Vector Start-It Jump-Start System (VEC012C) to have at work because there have been a record number of coworkers' car batteries dying this winter (mine included, although it was at Dunkin' Donuts on a day off). Everyone turns to me to assist with jump-starts, which I don't really have a problem with--it just gets time consuming. This device is quick and portable, so I don't have to worry when the car is head-on in a parking space in the garage and the adjacent spaces aren't vacant.

I don't know why I specifically picked out the Vector over other brands. Maybe it was the badass lightning bolt in its logo or its cryptic slogan, "The Freedom of Power." Maybe I knew Peter Graves was dying soon and it would be a constant reminder of his famous line from Airplane!, "What's our vector, Victor?" It wasn't the cheapest jumpstarter in the catalog, but I knew it would eventually pay for itself with a few uses.

And by the time it was delivered I was already itching to use it on one of the dead company cars. I tear open the box and dive into the instruction manual only to discover that it's sort of a confusing mess. The cover is fine. Page 1 is blank. Page 2 is the Table of Contents. Good so far.

Pages 3 and 4 contain Safety Information (coincidentally, not listed in the aforementioned Table of Contents). This section is split into 15 Warnings and 13 Cautions.  While I have argued in a previous rambling blog entry that no two words mean the same exact thing, I never really thought about the difference in those terms. Vector describes a Warning Statement as one that identifies "conditions or practices that may result in personal injury," while a Caution Statement identifies "conditions or practices that may result in damage to the vehicles, appliances and/or the Jump-Starter." Fascinating nuances, indeed, though I'm not convinced they are universal truths.  It doesn't help that the Caution section is immediately undermined by "IMPORTANT:" as if "CAUTION:" alone isn't enough.

Page 5 is the Introduction which expands on the bulleted "Key information you should know" found on the cover of the manual. The last paragraph describes the unit in a little more detail and refers to the figures in the photograph on Page 6.  Page 7 is some more bragging about the unit's Additional Features, but more importantly, we finally get into how to actually use the Vector as a jump-start system. But first... 10 more Warnings, many of which we've already seen, and two of which were previously in the Caution section on Page 4. They are clearly flip-flopping on the differences between Warnings and Cautions. More mixed signals pepper an additional Caution section as it is introduced with the statement "Recommendations for optimum performance..." and then again trumped by another bold term, "NOTE:" midway through the list. Distracting, but I press on.

We are now on the all-important Page 8 (pictured below), the instructions for the most vital feature is unfortunately where things get unnecessarily confusing. I'm outside with the Vector in front of a car with a dead battery. I have an 18-pound 450-amp device in my hands and the last thing I want is unclear directions on how to use it. I've jumped plenty of cars with cables in the past, but I've never used one of these standalone jumpers. I'd like to live long enough to get my money's worth. Let's take a look at what to do:

Before we get to Step 1, I'm already told to disconnect the black and then the red clamp. Huh? I haven't even connected anything yet! Are we talking about disconnecting the car battery itself? Or just unhooking the clamps from the jumpstarter? And why would I turn the key after I've disconnected everything? It's already understood that the car is dead and turning the key won't accomplish anything. And then a quick recap. A RECAP, BEFORE WE'VE EVEN GOTTEN TO STEP 1!?!

Let's just ignore this preamble and move on to what looks like the real instructions. Vehicle is off, accessories are off, Vector is off. Clamps are armed and ready. Here we go.

Step 4 and we're now at a real crossroads. I am to determine whether or not my vehicle is a Negative or Positive Grounded System. I wasn't expressly asked to do this, but it's strongly implied that if I don't know, I can't continue. In reality, that's simple enough to figure that out just by looking at the battery and following the cables around, but this is way too nonchalant for what should be a concise instruction manual designed for a layperson. How about this instead?

4.  Determine whether your vehicle is a Negative or Positive Grounded System. (Explanation of how to determine the difference). If Negative, move on to Step X, if Positive move on to Step Y.

This removes redundancy and confusion. Even a fucking flowchart would be better. Whatever. Step 6. Start Vehicle. Step 7. After vehicle starts...

Wait a minute, buddy. YOU NEVER TOLD ME TO TURN THE UNIT ON. The only person whose car would actually start by following Steps 1-7 would be someone whose car was in working order in the first place. And I'm not going to fuck around by guessing when to hit the power button. This is the point that I pick up the phone and call customer service to not just get the correct instruction, but to let them know that their manual blows. I follow the rep's verbal instructions, turn the key, and all is well. Black and Decker owns Vector now, by the way.

Looking back at the manual, I see that in Caution/Note #6 it says "Once the connections are properly made, turn the switch ON and you are ready to jump-start vehicle." This is far from being considered an oversight on my part. Any reasonable person would think that necessary jump-start instructions would be found nowhere else but in the Jump-Starting Instructions section. I think they just put Step 6 in the wrong place.

And that's not the only example of poor instruction chronology. Buried on Page 9 under IMPORTANT: they tell you that the units requires a full 48 hour initial charge. IF IT WAS SO FUCKING IMPORTANT, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THAT BEFORE YOU TOLD ME HOW TO USE IT? Then in the section on AC Charging (Page 10), more conflicting information: "After initial 48 hour charge, charge this device for at least 14-16 hours or until the green FULL indicator lights." SO IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING REALLY "CHARGE THE FUCKING THING FOR 62-64 HOURS BEFORE INITIAL USE OR WHAT?"

What is so hard about writing organized, clear instructions? Yes, the first unstated rule is always is "Read all instructions before use."  For the record, I did read through the whole manual and charged it for 3 days before trying it, but that's no excuse for them to be sloppy. If there's something I need to do before using the starter, then you tell me that before telling me what how to use it. I shouldn't have to wait for all to be revealed or call your customer service people and waste their time. It kills me because they over-explain how to attach a clamp--"Squeeze the handles and slide the clamp into position and release your grip"--but then completely forget to tell you to turn the machine on. This stuff really gets to me because it should just be common sense.

Ok, calming down now. Since I learned how to use the Xerox scanner, here's another poorly designed instruction manual. This one is for La Crosse Technology Radio Controlled Analog Clocks (WT4143) which I had to consult when none of our clocks updated themselves for Daylight Savings Time (but that's another story).

About halfway down the first column, did you catch the "Since the beginning of time, man has been fascinated with the measurement of time..."? So profound, yet so asinine.

Now give me a high-five because I finally uploaded my RPM album. It's a free download at http://catarrhclothesline.bandcamp.com/

fuMusic

On a crazy drunken winter's eve, I signed up for two competing music services--eMusic and Rhapsody. They were both advertising heavily on the television during the Christmas season back in 05' and I was looking for some instant music gratification that had nothing to do with Apple. I was easily impressed by their one month trial offers.

Rhapsody had all major label music streaming at the touch of a button. They offered a few downloads per month, but the streaming music would require a subscription to maintain. eMusic stuck to strictly independent labels, and anything you downloaded, you got to keep. It was DRM-free, and I could re-download any song in the future if I needed to. At the end of one month, I felt very comfortable using both sites. So comfortable that I completely forgot about the free one-month trials ending and got charged for both.

After another month I decided that eMusic was the way to go for me. They had plenty of new, weird music for me to discover. The prices were excellent and I felt comfortable downloading experimental tracks that I probably wouldn't have ever discovered or purchased on CD. I stayed with them for several years and trillions of downloads, but five months ago, eMusic and I finally broke up.

Those last few months were difficult for both of us. I felt a bit inundated by the amount of downloads I had amassed and and found increasing difficulty in using my full download credit each month. eMusic often added new music, but the math metal genre never seemed to be a priority. They added albums by Thom Yorke and Paul McCartney and bragged incessantly about it, but I had no interest in that direction. I decided to self-suspend my account for three months and see if I could live without the service.

As my return date drew near, I went to the website and Michael Jackson was on the front page. Ok, he had just died, so that made sense, but he was as far from being an indie artist as possible. Somehow his downloads were made available. I researched it on some music news sites and it turned out that eMusic had just signed a gigantic deal with the major labels and gained access to their catalogs. This was insane. On one hand it could be considered a much needed rejuvenation of their selection, but at the same time, it completely pissed upon their sacred indie ground.

I didn't know how I felt about all this until I heard they would be restructuring their download credit system and price plans. It was at this point that I decided to sign in, refresh my normal monthly plan, use my 65 downloads, and ride away clean. I logged in, confirmed my plan, entered my new credit card info, then was promptly and painfully given a corporate reality check. Immediately upon credit card approval, the page showing my 65 download plan disappeared from the existence and I was suddenly being called a "convert" with only 37 downloads. I wasn't just pissed because of the bait-and-switch, but also because I wasn't informed by eMusic at any time that prices and plans were changing, let alone when and how, and I certainly wasn't happy about being automatically "converted" just by signing in. After trying multiple times to speak to someone on their customer service hotline, I fired off my missive:

To: cs@help.emusic.com
Subject: Billing Inquiries

I just went to the site today (July 6) to reactivate my account which had been on hold since April 25. The reactivation screen showed my plan of 65 downloads per month for $14.99. I needed to enter my new credit card information in order to log-in as I've updated my card in the past few months.

As soon as the system approved my credit card, I discovered that my account suddenly only showed 37 available downloads. I haven't logged-on in a few months so I know my download allotment should be fully refreshed at 65. My billing statement is also showing me as a "convert" which I definitely did not authorize.

"July 6, 2009 3:50:18 PM Convert: eMusic Plus $14.99 000PI6VZ-070609"

I called the customer service billing department 4 times and each time I was hung up on without even getting a word in edgewise. I tried the technical department and got the same treatment. As a customer for over three years, I would have appreciated a little better service than that. I want my $14.99 refunded to my credit card and then I want my subscription canceled.

24 hours later, a response:

Thank you for contacting eMusic Customer Support.

We’re sorry but the plan you are requesting has been retired and replaced by the Plus that gives you 37 downloads for $14.99 every thirty days. In addition, you received [or will receive] a free 15- download Booster Pack 30 days after your new plan starts [or started] as a special thank you for being an eMusic member.

The change in your plan is related to a major expansion to eMusic’s catalog that began on July, 2009. Nearly 200,000 tracks are being added, including many of the most loved names in music like The Clash. As part of this change, we’ve had to revise our subscription plans but are pleased to still offer you an un-matched deal on music downloads – less than half the average price per download from iTunes and Amazon.

We’re sorry that we’ve had to retire your old plan but we’re confident that you’ll find even more music to love among the many new additions to the catalog. And of course, you can always select a different plan from the Plan Options page within Your Account.

Regards,
Rxxxxxx

Not only were they lowering everyone's downloads per month (under the guise of "we're still cheaper than Amazon and iTunes"), but it was going to take more credits to download these "most loved names" anyway. And you would no longer be able to cherry pick tracks from albums. Fuck the fucking Clash and fuck your fuzzy math eSCREWsic.

To: "Billing"
Subject: RE: Billing Inquiries

Wait... so you're taking away 28 of my 65 downloads immediately with no warning, and then offering me 15 "free" downloads that won't take affect until I get charged (and short changed) a second time 30 days later? Why would I bother sticking around long enough to pay again for "free" downloads?

If you were really sorry, you would have at least acknowledged the issues I raised in my original email (bait-and-switch on my account status, lack of appropriate customer service over the phone, lack of communication) and offered to honor my refund.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe you're going to continue to receive my business in August.

Hello:

Thank you for contacting eMusic Customer Support.

Your eMusic account associated with the email address xxxx@xxxxxxxx.com is now canceled.

I also escalated your issue to see what I could do for you. My manager has authorized an exception to our no-refund policy on your behalf. We have issued you a refund in the amount of $14.99.

Please note that your bank can take up 5-7 business days to process your refund once we issue it. If you do not see an adjustment to your account after this time, please contact us so we can research your issue for you.

To reactivate your account, simply log in, select the plan you would like, and follow the prompts to reactivate your account. Please also note that your download history will be removed from our database if you do not rejoin within 60 days.

Regards,
Mxxxx

Something tells me that I probably wasn't the only one being escalated. I decided to take them up on their refund and never looked back. I mean, unless you count this entry as looking back. I can't tell you how eMusic is doing right now, but I personally saw a lot of public complaints in blogs and forums. Sure, it's anecdotal evidence and I don't know how many of those people actually followed through on their threats. I did, and I can't be the only one. The CEO of eMusic said this in August: "We haven’t yet seen a rise in subscription cancellations due to the new price plans. This is something we’re monitoring very closely." I'm curious if that answer is the same today. I wonder if it was worth pissing loyal customers off in order to get into bed with the majors.

As a result of all this, I've been listening to lots of garbage on the radio, but at least I'm saving money by not paying for it. I really haven't bought many CDs this year at all. I've discovered even fewer new artists than ever before. I don't know what's good in the music world these days. Maybe I'm better off.

Why You Got Zero Stars

To make a long story short, I paid for something and you didn't give it to me.

To make a long story TL;DR, here we go...

I own an LG Dare. I went through many thrilling adventures with Verizon to make the Dare a successful part of my pocket arsenal. It's got its quirks but I'm mostly satisified with the device. One of the features I particularly enjoy is the USB data cable which not only allows me to transfer files from the phone to my PC (and vice versa), but also serves as a recharging mechanism. Sounds pretty efficient if you ask me. My computer is on at work all day, so I never had an excuse for a drained phone battery, and the once I got the hang of the data transfers, I was packing the phone with music and photos. Realistically though, to have a multi-purpose tool means I'm multi-fucked if I lose it. Inevitably, I did.

Verizon sells replacement data cables for $20.00, which to me is completely obscene. They really should be giving these cables away to their customers. Without the cable, my phone battery dies, and Verizon won't be able make any money off my paperweight. It behooves them to make sure I have a full charge at all times, making it more likely that I'll make billable calls or texts. Maybe they think I'm so lazy that I'm more likely to buy a whole new phone rather than look for or replace my cable. Either way, they are doing it wrong, and I'm not going to kowtow to that.

My quest for sticking it to the man soon brought me to eBay, where I knew I could get a similar knock-off for a fraction of the price. It didn't take long before I found an auction item listed by thecellshop (aka TheCellShop.net). They had high ratings and are OK USA! They offered not only the USB data cable, but a whole bundle that also included a wall charger and a car charger. The photo was generic, but the listing was pretty specific: "Home+Car Charger+USB Data Cable for LG Dare VX9700 NEW." After shipping, it would come to less than $7. I knew I'd have to wait a little bit, but I was willing to be patient in order to undermine Verizon. I chose the "But it Now" option and paid immediately. That was August 18th. The item was prepared for shipping the next day.

A few days later I received confirmation that the item shipped. But what they described as my item was not the same as in the auction listing.

Dear Rollie,

This email has been sent to confirm that your order from TheCellShop.net has shipped!

Details of this order are as follows.

- Invoice # 7643323
- "Cell Phone Car Charger for Motorola RAZR2 V9 V9m V9x", "New Home Wall Charger for Motorola RAZR2 v9 v9m v9x Q9h", "NEW PC SYNC PC USB Data Cable for BlackBerry Curve 8900"

Your order has now left our warehouse and is on its way to you.

Also attached was a shipment tracking number which did not work. And somewhere along the line, my LG Dare turned into a Motorola RAZR and/or a BlackBerry Curve. I figured it was possible these items were all compatible, but since they didn't explain it explicitly, I needed to double check.

The DHL tracking number provided in the email does not work. Also, I want to make sure the correct item is being shipped here. The Ebay auction I won is:

Home+Car Charger+USB Data Cable for LG Dare VX9700 NEW - eBay390061843697

But in your shipping email, it says

"Cell Phone Car Charger for Motorola RAZR2 V9 V9m V9x", "New Home Wall Charger for Motorola RAZR2 v9 v9m v9x Q9h", "NEW PC SYNC PC USB Data Cable for BlackBerry Curve 8900"

Are these all compatible items, or is it a mistake?

I immediately received an auto-reply explaining that they would respond to my email within 1-2 days. The message also stressed how badly they would like to "EARN" a positive 5-star rating in their eBay feedback.

Sure enough, the next day I received a response.

The item that you ordered is the Home+Car Charger+USB Data Cable for LG Dare VX9700 NEW. Since your order is under $11 or weighs under a pound, there is no tracking number. Your item did ship though, and should arrive any day now.

I can deal with the tracking number policy (why send me a non-functional one then?), but they didn't exactly address my compatibility question. "Any day" soon arrived, confirming my suspicions.

The USB Data Cable included in the package works fine as a charger, but does not function as an actual USB Data Cable. The phone and the computer would normally auto detect when I connect the cable, but now I get a "Connection Failed" error. Is there something wrong with this cable, or are these not really meant for data?

I now had three ways to resuscitate my comatose phone, but still no way to transfer data. My needs only being halfway satisfied means my needs are not satisfied.

Three days later, a response.

I will reship one to you asap.

We want to earn your positive feedback with 5 stars on eBay. If you have any concerns let me know right away so I can take care of them before leaving any feedback.

While I appreciated the desire to correct their error at their expense, it probably wasn't the best time to remind me of the eBay feedback again. I held off my star clicking again, but at this point, the pressure was really on for cellphoneshop.

Almost two weeks later, another package arrived. It was the same cable. I had no choice but to resort to CAPS.

I received the new cable and it is the same exact problem. These cables charge but will NOT transfer any data via the USB input, making it useless to me. I looked up the part number and "MOVR 8 USB" refers to a product intended for a MOTOROLA phone. I DON'T HAVE A MOTOROLA--I have an LG phone. I questioned that in my original email to customer service and I was assured that the product arriving would be for an LG. IT'S NOT. Your ebay auction clearly listed "USB Data Cable for LG Dare VX9700 NEW" and that's why you got my money in the first place. Now it's been nearly a month and I still don't have everything that was advertised. Either your company is misrepresenting the products in its auctions or there has been a lot of miscommunication.

Last chance.

Maybe I shouldn't have offered them a last chance. Maybe there shouldn't have been a second or first chance either. Was this my own fault? Should I have just gone to Verizon in the first place? Was I being punished for trying to take the cheap way out? Was that month of waiting worth the savings of $14? Can any of these little stores be trusted? Does Verizon sabotage them so you have to eventually come crawling back? Maybe Verizon owns them and gets your money in every direction! [/conspiracytheory]

They wrote back:

I do apologize, We had a bad batch of cables that we received, We will reship you a good cable this time.

We want to earn your positive feedback with 5 stars on eBay. If you have any concerns let me know right away so I can take care of them before leaving any feedback.

This was over a month ago and I never received the cable. Whether it was good or bad, I guess I'll never know. NOW YOU'VE EARNED A FUCKING ZERO. IT REFLECTS MY NEW AND UNFORTUNATE LACK OF CONFIDENCE IN EBAY STORES LIKE YOURS. IT ALSO REFLECTS THE ZEROS IN 20.00, THE PRICE I'M NOW GOING TO HAVE TO PAY TO GET A CABLE THAT ACTUALLY WORKS. I HOPE YOU ENJOY MY MONEY AND MY ZEROS, SHITMOUTH!

Unfortunate update: eBay's policy is that after 60 days, you can no longer leave feedback on an item. After 45 days, you can no longer open a case with the eBay resolution center. This policy is fantastic when your seller doesn't string you along for two months. I had already resigned to the fact that I'd probably never get this cable, so I at least wanted to give them an piece of my mind, officially. Now it seems that's been robbed from me as well, so I'm going to go back to bitchy emails.

Uncouth in Advertising

Dear Editor:

The Holocaust Museum shooting article sharing the front page with the Progressive "smoking gun" advertisement was not exactly in the best taste. I understand you have an obligation to your advertisers, but the timing could not be worse. This nonchalance towards gun violence just contributes to our desensitization to it.

You probably can't tell from the shitty compressed Verizon Pix Place photo I uploaded of today's USA Today front page, but the Progressive Insurance ad at the bottom features "Flo the Insurance Girl" blowing on a smoking price-scanner (here's a larger crappy snapshot of the front page).

I'm not usually one to get butthurt at dark humor, but seeing that image alongside (I admit "alongside" is an exaggeration which is why I didn't put it in the letter) an article about a high-profile shooting compelled me to pick up my Penis Mightier Sword. I don't know what it is--my anti-advertising attitude, my outrage over this violent act by an idiot Holocaust-denier, my frustration with USA Today's writing, my desire for published-letter fame, or my obsession with constantly biting the hand that feeds me (or in this case, biting the hand that I read with while I feed myself breakfast). Had this combo been in The Onion or Wonder Showzen or Buddyhead or any other wicked-satire media outlet I feel like plugging today, I may have chuckled at the juxtaposition. But USA Today has a different audience in a different mindframe. To let it slip through the cracks just seems wrong. Does that make me a hyprocrite? I don't know yet. "Back for 'Blood'" is also not the most tactful headline at the top right either, considering the gunman was once convicted of entering a building where he also threatened people at gunpoint, but I think you'd have to know more about the story to draw that parallel. I'll just concentrate on the ad since it's all I ever complain about.

I feel like timing is everything and context is just as important, so it's my duty to call them out, whether it was intentional or not. Progressive's ad agency took a risk making an ad with a light gun motif (Pulitzer Prize me again) and then took another risk submitting it to a national newspaper without knowing what news headlines would appear on the day the ad was published. In this case and on this day, they gambled and lost. It's always funny until someone loses an eye or publishes an ad for blinds in a Braille magazine, and today, I'm not laughing. USA Today could have buried the ad on a different page, or at least delayed it a day. Maybe the editorial team met and decided it was an acceptable risk. Maybe they didn't even notice the implications and I'm the insane oversensitive one here, but that's why they solicit letters to the editor, isn't it? Either way, I'm sure they have a policy in place to ensure maximum political correctness for the newspaper. I'm just curious about how today's page made it past the filter.

To make a long story short, I am obviously disgusted by the violent act at the Holocaust Museum yesterday, but I'm not condemning the advertisement nor am I boycotting the paper. I am just pointing out a simple unfortunate coincidence. (And then piggybacking it with a complex about the causes of violence with a thinly veiled pro-gun control agenda. Tee-hee!)

I don't know

Sorry I've been MIA. I had every intention to post more frequently after last week's flurry, but then I got all tied up with my hotsaucing and even more stress inducing, my apartment situation. Neither war is over yet. I will soldier on.

Speaking of the url www.urbandictionary.com, I got a personal email from the founder of Urban Dictionary after my latest bitchfest. It came just a few hours after the post and was, to my surprise, very calm. I usually take things very personal on the internet (insert cliche Special Olympics jpg) and probably would've flipped out if I read somewhere that "Beauty and the RoBeast is really going downhill." In fact, I'm getting fired up just seeing that sentence typed out.

Instead, he simply apologized for how long my submission took to be processed by editors (apparently there really is a backlog), and then asked me why I thought the site was going downhill. I wrote a long response email issuing my constructive criticism and thanked him for his diligence.

And then... he made "bagside" the Urban Dictionary Word of the Day on November 15th. I had complained about the quality of the Word of the Day in the letter, so I don't know if he did this to appease me, or just to stick me out there with the wolves (aka whiners like me). Either way, I'm pleased to say that I've got more Thumbs Up than Thumbs Down. So far.

Dr. Pepper sent me a response too. First an automated one saying they'd respond to my email in 72 hours, then a more human, but still 99% automated (much like Darth Vader) email stating this:

Thank you for contacting us about Dr Pepper. We do apologize for the problem you experienced with our packaging.

We take great pride in producing high quality products and any experience to the contrary is cause for concern. Please be assured that high quality control standards and precautionary procedures are observed throughout the production of our products.

To ensure that appropriate action is taken to prevent future incidents such as yours, we have forwarded your comments to our quality assurance team for investigation.

We hope you continue to purchase and enjoy Dr Pepper products.

Sincerely,
Consumer Relations

I think it's amazing that Dr. Pepper has someone named Consumer Relations working in their Consumer Relations department. It's truly a match made in heaven. I doubt the quality assurance team will take my letter seriously, unfortunately, because there really is a problem with Dr. Pepper's plastic six-pack rings.

Now onto the most important company in the world, one that I constantly bitch about but refuses to make amends. I've complained a million times about Google's Blogger but they have yet to stumble upon my blog and respond to my constructive criticism, like Urban Dictionary. I did formally submit issues I discovered while using the beta version of Google Chrome (is it out of beta yet?) but received no response addressing my issues. I switched back to Mozilla's Firefox as a result.

I may finally need to compose a letter to the Google Blogger folks in order to get their attention, since I've been disinvited from their holiday party this year. I know, I know, it's a free service and I shouldn't cry about it. I hear it used to be worse. And what I mean by that is, when you Google "Blogger Sucks," a number of the complaints are from 2005.

Here, I used Google's search engine to rat out on itself:

(search term, using quotes) -- (number of results)
"Blogger Sucks" -- 43,500
"Wordpress Sucks" -- 8,310
"Myspace Blogs Suck" + "Myspace Blog Sucks" + "Myspace's Blog Sucks" + "Myspace's Blog Blows Dog Shit" -- 1,352
"Livejournal Sucks" - 1,160

Highly scientific, I know. In fact, just by typing these search terms and publishing this blog, I've already skewed the results. Yeah, yeah, it's possible that the number of people using Blogger is 5 times as many people using Wordpress, so the resulting complaints may be accurately proportional. I don't care. These are statistics, and I'm manipulate them anyway I want.

"Dr. Pepper's Plastic Six-Pack Rings Suck" -- 0 ???

Well, not for long, bitches.

Raiders of the Lost R. Kelly

Chuck Creekmur, CEO of the news site allhiphop.com is quoted in USA Today today (I love doing that "USA Today today" day-to-day) saying "Somebody gets accused, and they record a ton of product so that things can keep coming out even when they're locked up. R. KELLY has shown that work ethic and seems to have a Midas touch."

By "Midas touch," are we talking about GOLDEN SHOWERS? Huh, Chuck? Creekmur? CEO of the news site allhiphop dot com?

Speaking of fetishes, famous people, and wetness, today I found a website/blog called CelebritySweating.com. There's an awesome picture of Liam Neeson crotch-sweating (or possibly pissing himself?). I was going to throw in some quotes from Nell here, but I don't know how to spell any of that fucking jibberish. Chickabee.

My pits are sweating as we speak, but I'm not uploading any pictures of them (sorry to everyone that may have stumbled on to this site looking for salty Hollywood bodies). My body is all confuzzled right now. I got about 3 hours sleep last night, as I have every night this week. I don't even have caffeine to blame this time. It's pure adrenaline/anxiety. I stayed up until 2:30 last night TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET. Cleaning it, that is. I was at work from 7:30 am until 8:30 pm. I had a workout break (and plenty of work outbreaks) somewhere in there too. But I got home and I still had so much ridiculous energy that I just started tearing shit apart in the closet.

This morning, my mind is still quite fired up. And it's not like I'm running around on fumes either. I am totally cognizant of every synapse in my cerebral cortex. I kicked a lot of ass playing Scramble this morning. And I had a breakthrough on the commute to work regarding a musical project on which I'm working. And I'm blogging again too! Granted, I have 50 Firefux tabs opened right now, so I'm being fired off in a million directions at once. Or maybe just 50. Still, the point here is my brain is at its peak in activity and creativity when I am high on caffeine or sleep deprivation. I don't know how I feel about that. I would like to think that I'm a creative person normally, but I'm so much more prolific otherwise.

Who fucking cares though?!

***PISSES self***

Maybe I'll go write Chuck Creekmur, CEO of allhiphop.com a letter pretending to be an incensed R. Kelly fan. Or maybe I actually am and incensed R. Kelly fan. After all, I do own 22 chapters of his Closet saga...

FUCK USA

Easy, Homeland Security, I'm talking about the cable network.

I've accepted, and ultimately embraced the fact that USA constantly broadcasts Law and Order SVU and CI. There are in fact, more episodes than I'll ever be able to watch in my entire lifetime, and usually that's all right. There are plenty of standalone episodes where I don't have to really invest myself in the plot or even watch the whole show. Usually I'm cool with the not knowing how the case is solved.

But other times, there is actually character development, and that's ultimately what most interests me. I'm not really into mysteries, or even fiction at all. Like such as in The Sopranos, which just may be my all-time favorite television show, I watch for the story, the characters, the family interaction, and the details, references, and symbolism in the production. The mob stuff is least important thing for me.

So when I hear that the department wants to break up Detectives Stabler and Benson, and then next fucking episode is out of order and doesn't resolve the cliffhanger, I want to smash my TV (which I'm not going to do because my lovely girlfriend gave it to me... though I could always smash my old one just to teach them box o' tubes a lesson). IMDB tells me that USA is not showing the next episode any time soon either. Tonight they showed Episode 14 from Season 8, then Episode 16 (the one I caught), then 15??? USA, your antics have forced me to type 3 question marks!!! NOW I'M OUTTA CONTROL WITH PUNCTUATION ((((& & & I DON'''T THINK I"""""LL BE ABLE TO $$$TOP)))).......

There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to way they are programming their lineup (TNT pulls the same shit, FYI). Now A&E, there's a channel has their shit together. Sopranos re-runs are always in order (albeit repeated ad nauseum), and when they have marathons, they show whole or half-seasons chronologically. USA, on the other hand, gets cutesy with their marathons, alternating between SVU and CI. I'm going to write a letter to USA and maybe someone can explain their logic. There has to be a reason, right? I mean, maybe they just walk into the tape library and throw a dart. Any explanation would enable to sleep at night.

I guess this is my punishment for not watching the shows when they first ran. I don't have enough interest (or money) to buy the DVDs, and Netflix doesn't have the Eight Season just yet. I don't have the drive to download the torrent like such as what I did for The Sopranos, and I certainly don't want to just ask someone what happened...

...especially not Ice-T.

[PS - That second picture is borrowed from a hilarious (and now-defunct) blog that compiles pictures of TV characters making awkward faces when TiVo is paused. Check it out for LOLs.]