Courtroom Sketch Artist/Interior Designer For Hire

There really should be an elaborate penis clock right up there on the wall so potential jurors know what time it is. Come on four o'clock!

MeTube YouTube BoobTube GrooveTube

I know you guys are missing Teh Beauty part of Beauty and the RoBeast. Believe me, I am too. Maybe this will bring her back:

While we're on the subject of YouTube, I have been bouncing around the idea of making aa t-shirt to celebrate my unintentional vore video popularity. Hell, my mom has already heard the story, so I've got nothing to be ashamed of anymore. I came up with this design the other day:


The view count has gone up 30 since Friday, so the design is already a collectible!

Speaking of collectibles, I spent a long time on Friday reading a great article about the Masters of the Universe action figures on Retrojunk.com. As it turns out, so many of the characters from the He-Man toy line were just recycled molds that Mattel had leftover from other older toy lines. Skeletor was copied off Captain Drake who was copied off of ME!


Mattel could totally get away with it though because Big Jim came out ten years before He-Man in some other country that probably didn't have the internet. Losers!

You know what else happens in other countries? Sometimes when they get our cartoons (created by Japanese animators), the words are all changed and whatnot. This can be funny. Other times they just forget to translate the lyrics all together and dub a rockin' 80's guitar melody into the mix instead!



I downloaded a bunch of shit this weekend while trying again (in vain, perhaps) to use all my Emusic credits and cancel the damn account already because I HAVE TOO MUCH MUSIC (not to be confused with MuchMusic2 which doesn't actually exist... MuchMoreMusic is what you're probably not thinking of)! I downloaded a bunch Ipecac Records releases, most of which sounded like instrumental soundtracks to old cartoons.

It's strange what music I like, but it's probably more strange what I don't. "What distinguishes one avant garde experimental noise track from another?" was the question the RoBeastress posed to me this past weekend while at a free show at Central Park's Summerstage (Battles, Black Dice, and Gang Gang Dance). My succinct answer (2 days later) is "DYNAMICS." Her other questions: "Why do you keep calling me The RoBeastress?" But I digress(ess)...

Actually, I'll digress further now. There are two sounds that I would like to imitate on record sometime in my life:

1. The opening chord from "A Hard Day's Night"
2. The Law and Order sound

I think these are valid life goals. I wonder which one is going to be more difficult.

Did anyone watch Law and Order: Criminal Intent last night? It was Chris Noth's final episode. He kinda left without a bang. And I mean that literally--I thought (hoped) he was going to get shot. Nobody's got the scene on YouTube yet, so I can't share. Not that it's even interesting. I actually do like his character even though he's angry most of the time and usually pulls out his Jump to Conclusions Mat fairly early. I liked when he was paired up with Annabella Sciorra. Why is Blogger emboldenating everything? This blogging is like a never-ending fucking battle.

Anyway, I liked when he was paired up with the redhead too (probably because she, like Annabella Sciorra, was on The Sopranos). This Wheeler chick I'm just not crazy about. It's not her personally, I just don't like her character. Or her character's haircut. I don't what the fuck is going to happen when Jeff Goldblum takes over in the next season. He could very well be the only actor on the planet who can out-weird Vincent D'onofrio. I hope they have crossovers. It's all I ask for, USA.

"USA! USA! USA!"

The Greatest Love Song Ever Written

Martin Scorsese Lyrics

Unfortunately, the only video of the song is the edited version, so here's the original unedited track over some dude's drawings. Christ, I wish I could write something this good.

---

Overheard at Take Your Kids To Work Day (or was it on Law and Order: SVU?) "If you start behaving, you'll see your parents sooner."

Now pretend there's a bunch of pictures of Ice-T looking tough. He may or may not have shades on. Use your imagination.

FUCK USA

Easy, Homeland Security, I'm talking about the cable network.

I've accepted, and ultimately embraced the fact that USA constantly broadcasts Law and Order SVU and CI. There are in fact, more episodes than I'll ever be able to watch in my entire lifetime, and usually that's all right. There are plenty of standalone episodes where I don't have to really invest myself in the plot or even watch the whole show. Usually I'm cool with the not knowing how the case is solved.

But other times, there is actually character development, and that's ultimately what most interests me. I'm not really into mysteries, or even fiction at all. Like such as in The Sopranos, which just may be my all-time favorite television show, I watch for the story, the characters, the family interaction, and the details, references, and symbolism in the production. The mob stuff is least important thing for me.

So when I hear that the department wants to break up Detectives Stabler and Benson, and then next fucking episode is out of order and doesn't resolve the cliffhanger, I want to smash my TV (which I'm not going to do because my lovely girlfriend gave it to me... though I could always smash my old one just to teach them box o' tubes a lesson). IMDB tells me that USA is not showing the next episode any time soon either. Tonight they showed Episode 14 from Season 8, then Episode 16 (the one I caught), then 15??? USA, your antics have forced me to type 3 question marks!!! NOW I'M OUTTA CONTROL WITH PUNCTUATION ((((& & & I DON'''T THINK I"""""LL BE ABLE TO $$$TOP)))).......

There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to way they are programming their lineup (TNT pulls the same shit, FYI). Now A&E, there's a channel has their shit together. Sopranos re-runs are always in order (albeit repeated ad nauseum), and when they have marathons, they show whole or half-seasons chronologically. USA, on the other hand, gets cutesy with their marathons, alternating between SVU and CI. I'm going to write a letter to USA and maybe someone can explain their logic. There has to be a reason, right? I mean, maybe they just walk into the tape library and throw a dart. Any explanation would enable to sleep at night.

I guess this is my punishment for not watching the shows when they first ran. I don't have enough interest (or money) to buy the DVDs, and Netflix doesn't have the Eight Season just yet. I don't have the drive to download the torrent like such as what I did for The Sopranos, and I certainly don't want to just ask someone what happened...

...especially not Ice-T.

[PS - That second picture is borrowed from a hilarious (and now-defunct) blog that compiles pictures of TV characters making awkward faces when TiVo is paused. Check it out for LOLs.]

Tuning in for a Marathon

...that for once won't involve Law & Order: SVU. I think the other night I decided that I want to run a marathon. And you know I'm serious because I actually went out and bought a book.

I never really ran much in high school. I played soccer for a bit, then tennis, but those were always just short bursts of speed. I didn't really care about long distances so I never bothered with it. I don't have the greatest respiratory system in the world, so it never seemed like an attractive proposition. College called for even less physical activity. I played a little bit of intramural indoor soccer and floor hockey with the Punx (we were the ones in the Black Flag and X-Men T-shirts) and a good amount of on-campus Laser Challenge with the same crew, but I still wasn't really interested in running or exercising.

For some reason, in 2002 I decided to start running. I think it was because I was single. Or bored. Or both. I went to the shoe store and bought some cheap, ugly ass Nikes and started running around town. When I moved to Hoboken, I kept up the running habit for a while (the hot girls in town and the great view of Manhattan inspired for as long as it could), but eventually I gave it up.

It wasn't until my grandfather died a couple years ago that I really got serious about exercising and dieting. and I've been pretty consistent ever since. I lost a bunch of weight and blah blah blah who needs to hear that again? The point is I never thought I'd be able to keep up any good, healthy habits for such a long time, and now I feel like I can set goals and accomplish things in that arena.

The other night we flipped by some crap on TV about some chick losing a bunch of weight and then completing a marathon and I figured, if that schlub can do it, then so can I. I found a bunch of marathon information online, but unfortunately most big marathons are either really soon, or much later in the year. Most of the training methods are designed for 3 or 4 months of training, so if I started that now, I'd be ready way too early and probably burned out.


I should start slow anyway. I had stopped running a few months ago because my nose and cheeks kept mysteriously breaking out. I eliminated that and yoga from my exercise routine while trying to narrow down the problem. I've since determined that it's basically any physical activity where I'm upside down or face down for any long periods of time, so I should be in the clear with running as long as I don't do it on my hands. I jumped back into the game on Tuesday by running for an hour just to see if I could... and I survived. OK, my legs are still sore, but I got 6.11 miles in fairly easily. I don't think I've ever tried to go that far or that long before, so I'm getting all excited for the next milestone, whatever it may be. I guess I'm just going to train to train for a marathon for a while and see if actually stick with it before I go and sign my legs away.

I think I'd be able to run 26 miles with a few pieces of Stride gum and 5 episodes of SVU. And maybe a new pair of Holy ShNikes.