God Bless America!

God Bless Arachnids
Man's favorite bug
Come inside her, with spiders
Who will bite what is tight on your love.

FUCK USA

Easy, Homeland Security, I'm talking about the cable network.

I've accepted, and ultimately embraced the fact that USA constantly broadcasts Law and Order SVU and CI. There are in fact, more episodes than I'll ever be able to watch in my entire lifetime, and usually that's all right. There are plenty of standalone episodes where I don't have to really invest myself in the plot or even watch the whole show. Usually I'm cool with the not knowing how the case is solved.

But other times, there is actually character development, and that's ultimately what most interests me. I'm not really into mysteries, or even fiction at all. Like such as in The Sopranos, which just may be my all-time favorite television show, I watch for the story, the characters, the family interaction, and the details, references, and symbolism in the production. The mob stuff is least important thing for me.

So when I hear that the department wants to break up Detectives Stabler and Benson, and then next fucking episode is out of order and doesn't resolve the cliffhanger, I want to smash my TV (which I'm not going to do because my lovely girlfriend gave it to me... though I could always smash my old one just to teach them box o' tubes a lesson). IMDB tells me that USA is not showing the next episode any time soon either. Tonight they showed Episode 14 from Season 8, then Episode 16 (the one I caught), then 15??? USA, your antics have forced me to type 3 question marks!!! NOW I'M OUTTA CONTROL WITH PUNCTUATION ((((& & & I DON'''T THINK I"""""LL BE ABLE TO $$$TOP)))).......

There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to way they are programming their lineup (TNT pulls the same shit, FYI). Now A&E, there's a channel has their shit together. Sopranos re-runs are always in order (albeit repeated ad nauseum), and when they have marathons, they show whole or half-seasons chronologically. USA, on the other hand, gets cutesy with their marathons, alternating between SVU and CI. I'm going to write a letter to USA and maybe someone can explain their logic. There has to be a reason, right? I mean, maybe they just walk into the tape library and throw a dart. Any explanation would enable to sleep at night.

I guess this is my punishment for not watching the shows when they first ran. I don't have enough interest (or money) to buy the DVDs, and Netflix doesn't have the Eight Season just yet. I don't have the drive to download the torrent like such as what I did for The Sopranos, and I certainly don't want to just ask someone what happened...

...especially not Ice-T.

[PS - That second picture is borrowed from a hilarious (and now-defunct) blog that compiles pictures of TV characters making awkward faces when TiVo is paused. Check it out for LOLs.]

Surfing on the seas of what_the_f*ck?

Princess here. Doing a little late night internet sifting of the myriad treasures of the google image ripper. I confess; I search for all kinds of things. Robot Vagina. Gasmask Unicorns. And Mermen. That's right, I said Mermen. (ProTip: gentlemen you do not want me to find your myspace profile by following a link from a merman thumbnail. It is emphatically not manly.) Boy, do I love me some terrible fantasy art, and the internet it does not ever disappoint with the crazed fever dreams of the lonely and unwashed masses. From sexy to sparkly and back again, there is always a good laugh in there somewhere like the manlove centaur sites. I promise to show you some sweet mantaur love at a later date.

I am constantly astonished every single time I throw my line out and fish for the crazy. Tonight is no different. For tonight, I have truly found something special in my quest. Gay Mermen Christmas ornaments. Wow. Just wow. There's so much to choose from. Really. I mean it's such a niche market, but really, all the cliches are there. Let me demonstrate of what I speak. First up, some sort of Chippendales Merman:

Mr. Martini

Then, there's the ubiquitous Cowboy Merman, Clint, and his pal and faithful sidekick, Jambalaya. I imagine them going on all kinds of fantastic Fantasy Fest Adventures together. The gruff cowboy and the young joker, truly, it is a buddy movie waiting to be written. Or, perhaps, a comic book. I would totally read the Gay Adventures of Cowboy Merman Clint and Jambalaya the Boy Wonder, but I wouldn't trust my judgment if I were you. Srsly. It's suspect.








The copy is something special too. Let me demonstrate with the (undeservedly) generically named Ocean Merman; I think they should have called him Flipper! "Ocean is hot, young, blond, slim and toned! What more do you need? He's holding a conch shell and is in a swimming position. Is he a bottom? Only he knows! If only mermen were real!"

Oh, if only, indeed!

They must be really popular because over half of them are out of stock. There's a Santa one. There's a Merman holding pumpkins. There are gay pride parade Mermen complete with feathers which, frankly, I think are impractical in the water, and there's a Sailor Merman, totally redundant. Yes, he's a sailor on the salty seas of love. I'm pretty certain by definition all Mermen are.


Except for maybe Cowboy Clint and Jambalaya. I see them floating through the magickal and glittery void of space. With gasmasks.


Good night, and thanks for all the fish.

*princess_out*