The Jambalaya Monolith

Look at this fucking Jambalaya:

 

The message I get from the packaging is:

 "Jambalaya Mix - 25% less sodium than our original Jamabalaya Mix, but still 15% more than the leading Rice Mix product!"

I know the "15% MORE" actually refers to how much rice is in the box, compared to another brand (a footnote way at the bottom of the backside), but I think it's still a poor design choice. My brain instinctively links the two blue banners together, so I naturally consider the two messages related. I also fixate on numbers when grocery shopping, so I scrutinize any random percentage thrown on the front of a box. I think they could have avoided the perceived conflict by adding the word "RICE" after the word "MORE." Or even an arrow from the "15% MORE!" pointing to the "8 OZ." below it. I admit, the box sucked me in with the "Reduced Sodium" claim, but the other confusing message gave me pause.

But who am I kidding? With that tasty looking picture, it could have said 15% MORE COCKROACH PUBES! and I still would've bought it.

Surfing on the seas of what_the_f*ck?

Princess here. Doing a little late night internet sifting of the myriad treasures of the google image ripper. I confess; I search for all kinds of things. Robot Vagina. Gasmask Unicorns. And Mermen. That's right, I said Mermen. (ProTip: gentlemen you do not want me to find your myspace profile by following a link from a merman thumbnail. It is emphatically not manly.) Boy, do I love me some terrible fantasy art, and the internet it does not ever disappoint with the crazed fever dreams of the lonely and unwashed masses. From sexy to sparkly and back again, there is always a good laugh in there somewhere like the manlove centaur sites. I promise to show you some sweet mantaur love at a later date.

I am constantly astonished every single time I throw my line out and fish for the crazy. Tonight is no different. For tonight, I have truly found something special in my quest. Gay Mermen Christmas ornaments. Wow. Just wow. There's so much to choose from. Really. I mean it's such a niche market, but really, all the cliches are there. Let me demonstrate of what I speak. First up, some sort of Chippendales Merman:

Mr. Martini

Then, there's the ubiquitous Cowboy Merman, Clint, and his pal and faithful sidekick, Jambalaya. I imagine them going on all kinds of fantastic Fantasy Fest Adventures together. The gruff cowboy and the young joker, truly, it is a buddy movie waiting to be written. Or, perhaps, a comic book. I would totally read the Gay Adventures of Cowboy Merman Clint and Jambalaya the Boy Wonder, but I wouldn't trust my judgment if I were you. Srsly. It's suspect.








The copy is something special too. Let me demonstrate with the (undeservedly) generically named Ocean Merman; I think they should have called him Flipper! "Ocean is hot, young, blond, slim and toned! What more do you need? He's holding a conch shell and is in a swimming position. Is he a bottom? Only he knows! If only mermen were real!"

Oh, if only, indeed!

They must be really popular because over half of them are out of stock. There's a Santa one. There's a Merman holding pumpkins. There are gay pride parade Mermen complete with feathers which, frankly, I think are impractical in the water, and there's a Sailor Merman, totally redundant. Yes, he's a sailor on the salty seas of love. I'm pretty certain by definition all Mermen are.


Except for maybe Cowboy Clint and Jambalaya. I see them floating through the magickal and glittery void of space. With gasmasks.


Good night, and thanks for all the fish.

*princess_out*