Fart to Get it Back Again

Pearl Jam's new single, "The Fixer," reviewed.

I've been shitty at the internet lately. Firefox is not playing any YouTube videos for me (aka The Google Chrome Conspiracy), I'm frustrated about Verizon Wireless's lack of Flash access, and I'm being dramatic on FaceBalls (Faceslash /Faceslash). The Internet is Serious Business indeed.

Nonirregardless, I am here to talk the musics. The first thing I'm going to do is listen to the new Pearl Jam song called "The Fixer." This song is a big deal for a lot of reasons. The upcoming album Backspacer is their first without a record label's support. It also reunites them with producer Brendan O'Brien who recorded many of their early albums and recently remixed their debut album Ten for re-release. Most importantly, this album may be the first Pearl Jam album that I don't buy.

I was incredibly disappointed by their last album (the one with the avocado). There was one song that I loved ("Parachutes") but the rest of the album put me to sleep. It was one in a string of shitty albums I was buying by artists that I thought could do no wrong, but all sounded very stale. I don't know if I changed, or if they changed. Or if America changed. All I know is that if I can change and you can change, everybody can change.



I remember a joke that Eddie Vedder once told in Spin:

Q: How many members of Pearl Jam does it take a change a light bulb?
A: Change?!? We're not gonna change for anyone!

I've listened to 33 seconds of "The Fixer" and it's not bad. Pearl Jam premiered another track on The Tonight Show recently called "Got Some" and I wasn't impressed. The performance was not particularly memorable. The mix wasn't so hot. The vocals were low and weak. People accused it of plagiarizing a Devo tune that I didn't know nor cared to investigate. I'm feeling pretty neutral about "The Fixer" so far. The intro sounds familiar for some reason, and the verses are nice. The vocal melodies are not like anything I've heard them attempt before. They don't necessarily earn Eddie Vedder a gold star just yet, but it is good that after nine albums, they aren't rehashing the same old tricks. I think I just heard "When something's good/I wanna fart to get it back again." Nice. Farts.

I think I just heard the chorus. It sucked. I hope that's not really the chorus. A lot of "Yeah yeah yeah's." Like Rage Against the Cage, but not ironic.

Second verse, slightly different from the first. I think Eddie may have a cold. I thought I detected a stuffy nose earlier, and his powerful howling does not appear as bombastic as it could. Musically, the song is getting prettier as it goes, which is good. I like pretty.

1:23 - I think I may be in the bridge, but EV is beating that once-interesting vocal melody to death.

1:32 - I was wrong. THIS is the bridge. I don't believe we needed the third verse for the last 15 seconds. On the bright side, it was at least abbreviated. The bridge is ok. As a bridge, it sounds bridgey, and it bridges what needed to be bridged. The progression progresses progressively and that's progress. The third and seventh chords are a bit of a surprise and momentarily jarring. It took 8 replays of the bridge before it sounded smooth to me, but I like it.

Now we're back to that intro riff, I just realized where I've heard this before--it reminds me of a WJ and the Sweet Sacrifice riff. Check out "White Horses" on their Myspace page. WJ (Billy Alpha) was the one who showed me that Rage Against the Cage link recently. We played on a song together this weekend and he borrowed some RAtC "Uh huh's" and "Oh yeah's" for the lyrics. Rage Against the Cage borrows from Eddie Vedder, and now Pearl Jam is borrowing from WJ. "Fart to get it back again" is clearly about stealing riffs.

Or not.

OK, so the song fades which is sort of a cop-out. Maybe it's just for the streaming Myspace version, I'm not sure. I was getting bored with the "Yeah, yeah" parts anyway. The music was decent for the outro/choruses, but the lyrics should have either been more interesting, or removed completely. Or a solo or something. I'd rather have preferred something much more dramatic to wrap up the song. Like a fart sound. Or a light bulb changing.

Just to sum up here: The song is decent, but not amazing. I don't think it has a chorus, but there are still some hooks. I think I've already listened to "The Fixer" more times than The Avocado Album, but I'm still not ready to fork over any cash. I don't think I'd turn the dial if I heard it on the radio. I should mention that I did enjoy Eddie Vedder's Into the Wild soundtrack very much, so I haven't written them totally off. We'll see what I think when I'm able to preview more tracks in September.

All right, I've run out of time to dissect the new Michelle Branch song, so I'll have to leave you with a video of my band ripping off WJ and the Sweet Sacrifice, Conan O'Brien, and Eddie Vedder all at once. We also throw in Tim & Eric, Faith No More, and "Birthday Sex" for good measure. This was recorded by blogmigo Zac Clark, Rocker Tycoon a couple weeks ago at one of Jersey City's weekly Groove on Grove concerts. I encourage you to record your own video ripping it off, or write a review of talking about my once-powerful howling not being bombastic anymore. Apparently all I need to do is fart to get it back again.

Virgin Smegmastore III

I really thought today would be the day Virgin would move their CD and DVD discounts to 30% off. 3 has just been the magic number. This is my third trip, and third post. I heard "Poker Face" three times. I saw three homeless guys on the way to Union Square. But no, still at only 20% off.

I did notice one item to add to the 30% off list though that may change everything for you. I don't know if it was there before, or if the price just dropped in the past few days, but STATIONARY is now being sold for 30% off at Virgin. Yes, you heard it here first... Stationary.

The copy of the Richard Branson autobiography Losing My Virginity that I had planned to take a smart-ass picture with has been bought, moved, or stolen. Sorry folks, I gambled and lost. I hope this isn't a sign of things to come.

There is only one copy of the Rocky Balboa CD left, one copy of The Rocky Story, and four or five copies of Rocky IV. I have decided officially that Rocky Balboa is at the top of my list here, but still not at that price. $15.20 after the discount at Virgin, or $15 at Amazon. I really can't lose here.

I either erroneously reported the price of The Sopranos Box Set the other day or they changed the sticker price. It is currently $400, with 20% off., which actually puts it LESS than the Amazon price of $329 (and then puts it back over after NYC sales tax, but who's counting?). There are quite a few copies of this left that I'm sure will be decimated the minute the discount goes to 30%.

To everyone out there bitching about my scrutinizing of minuscule price breaks that I keep passing over, but continue to pay tunnel tolls just to get to New York City to access those potential deals, blow me. I was coming here anyway. And besides, you complainers don't actually exist. No one is really reading this blog or sending me comments anymore, so I have to play fucking devil's advocate to myself! I'm unbelievable.



Vision Street Wear, indeed.

Virgin Smegmastore Part 2

Update on the Virgin Store Closing Sale--the windows are now plastered with signs suggesting "UP TO 30% OFF." Upon closer inspection of the inventory, very little has changed since I was there 4 days ago. All CDs and DVDs are still only 20% off. Clothing and electronics are 10% off. I will now list the "amazing" items you can purchase for 30% less than the original prices:

• Posters
• Wallets
• Cards

Who knew that they even sold posters, wallets, or cards? Not this guy. And while I do need a new wallet, I'm don't want one with The Misfits, The Ramones, or Pink Floyd plastered all over it. I especially resent the misleading premature rollout of the eleventeen billion 30% OFF signs when only .5% of the store actually reflects that discount, but hey, loopholes is loopholes.

I did come really close to purchasing a Best of Rocky Soundtrack that I hadn't seen before called The Rocky Story: The Original Soundtrack Songs From The Rocky Movies. It was $4 cheaper than the newer Best of Rocky Soundtrack called Rocky Balboa: The Best of Rocky and had several fewer songs, but still all the ones I'm looking for. Basically, it's the best corny/inspirational songs from Rocky IV and the best of I-III, without the crap from V or Rocky Balboa.

[update - I dig some digging on Amazon and discovered that the "Gonna Fly Now" versions on The Rocky Story are not the original film versions and are instead inferior reproductions by The Rocky Orchestra and not Bill Conti. I wonder if a knowledgeable Virgin employee would have pointed that out to me.]

Both of these CDs are still much cheaper on Amazon, even with the 20% off discount. For that reason, I will not be buying them from Virgin until these discounts genuinely go deeper. I actually considered hiding the discs I wanted in strange places at the store so my Virgin wishlist wouldn't end up getting snatched up by someone less anal than me about pricing. I do believe in fairness though, and decided against the scheme despite the store being packed and the inventory being noticeably chipped away at. From what I've read, the discounts will make a jump to 40%-60% off soon. At that point I'm positive that almost everything will disappear, leaving only the shelves themselves up for grabs. Most of the things I've got on my watch list were still high in supply. There's obviously no accounting for my taste.

All Hallow's Eve's Eve

I've been thinking about my Halloween costume since probably January, but didn't make my final decision until last week. I started working on it last night, which means I've got a lot of work once I get home tonight. I'm not going to tell anyone what it is just yet, so you'll have to wait until the annual Lucky 7's costume contest on Friday.


I will be defending my Costume Contest Championship, though I'll be honest, I'm not as confident this year. I won as Voltron in '07 (just over Zac's Pee-Wee Herman, I believe), and my Hacksaw Jim Duggan was second to Bob Ross in '06. Nostalgia clearly reigns supreme at Lucky 7's, but this year I am taking a different direction. All I will say is that my costume will appeal to a sense other than purely visual this time.

Not that I wasn't considering the nostalgic route. My second choice last year, Teen Wolf Too, was also my second choice this year. I Netflixed it though last week and was reminded of how terrible the film and the character was. I don't think it will make it to the brainstorm board next year, regardless of how hairy I am. (The brainstorm board, by the way, is my Far Side calendar, which is still stuck on October 2007.)

Another possibility was Rocky, since I already have the Red, White, and Blue Balboa trunks. And the Robeastress could easily be Adrian, but that wouldn't be much fun for her. Plus, my beard limits me to Training-in-Siberia Rocky (IV).



Not that T.I.S. Rocky isn't awesome, but the beard and the shorts never happened at the same time, and I'm a stickler for historical accuracy (despite Rocky IV's silly Cold War rhetoric). Plus I'm just not ready to shave my beard yet because I'm going to Seattle next week and I don't want to look like a tourist.

I'm happy with my costume anyway. Win or lose, nothing will top the mighty victory kiss I received last year from Rosie the Riveting Future RoBeastress.


USA! USA!

Slow News Day

The commute to work today was mostly uneventful. No traffic, no pile-ups, no drawbridges, no hoods flying off of my car (yeah true story). About a mile away from work though, the bizarre shit started hitting the wacky fan.

As I eased onto Rt. 80, I saw a oddly-shaped vehicle ahead of me. It was like a cube truck, but a little taller. I noticed some stickers of birds on it and immediately became jealous, for I am still a few eclectic stickers short of making it all the way across my bumper. The bird would have fit in nicely next to Torrential Downpour's two headed dinosaur.

I pulled up a little closer and saw not one, but six giant bird stickers. And then the big reveal: RACING PIGEONS. Racing Pigeons? WTMFFWT? I would've taken a picture with my cell phone, but that's like illegal and stuff and I only advocate law-abiding activities here on BaTR like Wikipedia Vandalism. (FYI, I was at a red light when I took the picture of the MATTRES SPICALE sign). I kept the Racing Pigeons in my thoughts as I pulled into the parking complex, knowing that I was going to march directly to the aforementioned internetionary once I got to my desk and waited the exciting twenty minutes that it takes to boot up my fucking PC in the morning. Yes, I'm still using a Commodore 64.

Load "*",8,1
Ready
Run

(Side note-Do you remember the good old days when the SHIFT key didn't toggle between a letter's upper and lower case?)

Before I got out of the parking lot, I saw yet another sign of the impending apocalypse--a Pennsylvania license plate that had a picture of a tiger on it and the phrase "Save Wild Animals." Did I miss something? Are there tigers roaming free in the jungles of Pennsylvania? If so, I am pleased that these big cats and other assorted wild animals have yet to swim cross the Delaware River. Unfortunately there is no toll to cross the Pennsie bridges to Jersey, so there would be nothing to stop them. The burbs would turn into that movie Savage Harvest, an idea that scared the shit out of me as a youngster.


Ok, smarty pantses. Yes, I know that the only tiger in Pennsylvania is the one at the Philadelphia Zoo. I've seen it in person (and I saw it again in Rocky 2 on Saturday when Rocky is proposing to Adrian "I was wonderin' if you wouldn't mind marryin' me very much?"). In fact, I used to have a hat with the Philly Zoo tiger on it back in the day. But Pennsylvania, let's not pretend that you are The Tiger State.

And while we're at, I am again calling out Ohio, the so-called "Birthplace of Aviation." Remove this claim from your license plates or I will start vandalizing the Wikipedia pages of the Wrong Brothers.

Ok, back to pigeons. Apparently, Pigeon racing has been around for hundreds, if not thousands of years. Basically, pigeons are driven far away from their home base and tracked to see how quickly they return. It's a strange sport, though I believe I have more respect for it than for Horse Racing. While it still seems like these animals are being brainwashed for human amusement, they're at least not in danger of being seriously injured or euthanized. They would just get lost, and possibly homesick. Due to the great distances the birds travel this is hardly a spectator sport, so seeing the Pigeon Wagon on Rt. 80 is probably as close I'd ever get to witnessing the competition. Once place you'll certainly never witness this Pigeon Racing phenomenon: Chicago. It's the only city in the US where it's illegal to race and/or feed pigeons.

All right, I gotta go kill a baby tiger and feed it to a pigeon in Chicago, and blame it all on descendants of the Wright Brothers, inevitably starting a war between Illinois, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. Here tiger, tiger....

RoBeast Rollie reviews Sex and the City - The Movie

Finally I got to see the new Sex and the City Movie yesterday! I'll be reviewing it in detail so if you haven't seen it yet yourself and are worried about spoilers, then stop reading now.


Ok, we all remember where the HBO series ended--with the girls having just won the All-Valley Blowjob Championship. The movie picks up 9 months later, as the girls are now deep in their training to defend their title against the younger and more agile Teen Girl Squad. Things quickly take a turn for the worse as the City Girls' sensei (played by BJ Master Barbara Walters) dies.


With their momentum now interrupted by tragedy, the girls are faced with the dilemma of continuing training on their own, or going back to their day jobs (as wardrobe designers for Vagisil commercial shoots). Things get even worse when the slutty one disappears to "go find herself." But the rest of the girls eat a pint of Hagen Dazs, dye their hair, buy a handbag or something, and write Hate Poems about the slutty one in order to get their confidence back...

But The Teen Girl Squad turns up the heat by sabotaging the team with a new secret weapon --pink kryptonite lipstick--that strips the City Girls of their blowjob powers.

On the day of the competition, all hell breaks loose. The building has been violently seized by terrorists in masks and the Teen Girl Squad is slaughtered. The Sex and The City girls are secretly elated, as they now automatically retain their title. But it turns out the terrorists are not after money... they are after the girls' titles. The challenge is on!

Unfortunately at this point, all the dudes in the crowd are scared shitless and unable to get it up for BJ Battle. No one knows what to do. Suddenly, the slutty one bursts through the door and in a shocking turn of events, she single handedly wins the competition.

How, you ask?

???

!!!

Autofellatio, of course.

The Sex and the City girls retain their titles. The terrorists are arrested and are revealed to be The Golden Girls. And oh yeah, Mr. Big makes an appearance too.