Gored Friends Cereal

From Kashi.

Rockin' with the Power of Cheerios

Another cereal company has stumbled onto that current Rock 'n' Roll trend that the damn kids these days love so damn much. If you flip over the current box of Naturally Flavored Honey Nut Cheerios Medley Crunch with Whole Grain Oats, you'll be bombarded with music-themed images and copy designed to get you thinking about the benefits of whole grain oats vis a vis rock n roll.

Over on the General Mills Stage, you'll find the hard-rockin' Buzz. I'm not talking about the guitarist from the Melvins... I mean the cartoon honey bee that is always spiking your plain old Cheerios with mind-altering honey.

And in the center of it all is a hexagonal electronic drum pad. It's a very clever honeycomb reference, to be honest, and if they ever make a commercial out of this, I hope they pay homage to the milk-filled snare of the J. Geils Band. Personally, I love this cereal and eat a box of it every few weeks, so I think it's time to abandon the kid-targeted advertising and aim directly for folks my age and up who can't look at "Rockin' with the POWER of OATS" without filling in the blanks:

A heart healthy diet? John Oates can go for that.

Cap'n Communist

So, Cap'n Crunch is not only guilty of impersonating a United States Naval Officer, but now he is flaunting his socialist agenda RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN?!?!

Helping the shoeless? Telling everyone they're a winner?? Letting pink-haired Feminazis train with men??? Consorting with the Japanese, Canadians, and worst of all, people from FR-ANTS when there are able-bodied out of work Veterans all around us???? WAKE UP AMERICA...THIS LIBERAL QUAKER FREAK IS POISONING YOUR BREAKFAST AND YOUR MINDS.

Look at the kid on the left with the Hitler mustache... that will be YOUR CHILD if this Leftist rainbow Crunchberry curriculum flourishes any longer. Write to your Senators NOW and get this cock-eyed Commie deported back to Russia!

OMG U GUYZ, BANKSY WAS IN MY KITCHEN

KIX values your opinion, and Banksy wants General Mills to know that it KIX ASS!



I am positive that whoever designed this "KIX Assurance" knew exactly what they were doing. It could have easily been "The KIX Pledge" or "KIX Guarantee" but this prankster/subliminal marketing master went with something a bit more obscure that would make you spit out your cereal once you discovered it. If I were the boss at GA, I'd give that person a corner office and thank them for the KIX-Rated Adult Entertainment.