To Gillman on her 37th Birthday

The Girl With the Last Dragon Tattoo

Bruce Linköping vs. The Shogun of Sweden

THUMBWRESTLER: A film by Darren Aronofsky

Stop! Or Mantegna Will Shoot

I saw a retrospective on the Rocky films the other night and was shocked at how different Sylvester Stallone looks these days due to all the plastic surgery. I decided to give The Expendables a shot today*, but every time Stallone was on screen, I couldn't help but be distracted and puzzled by his face. Half the time I thought it was Joe Mantenga playing the lead mercenary Barney Ross.

What do you think? Am I crazy?

* I normally don't watch a lot of action movies, but I was sucked in by Netflix's description of the film:

One Friday on Netflix

One Day in September - Tag im September, Ein (1999) R

In 1972, eight Palestinian terrorists interrupted the Munich Olympics by taking 11 Israeli athletes hostage. Besides footage taken at the time, we see interviews with surviving terrorist Jamal Al Gashey and various officials detailing how the German police, lacking an antiterrorist squad and turning down help from the Israelis, botched the rescue operation. Michael Douglas narrates this fascinating documentary.

Two Days in April (2006) NR

Four pro-bound college football players go for gridiron glory in this behind-the-scenes look at the NFL draft. Follow the intense training and all the nerve-wracking emotions that accompany the four young men on their journey to draft day, when their million-dollar dreams are intercepted by reality. Peeking into the secretive, fiercely competitive, often brutal process of creating NFL players, this documentary hits as hard as the athletes it depicts.

Two Days in October: American Experience (2005) NR

In October 1967, a U.S. regiment walked into a Vietcong ambush that killed 61 soldiers -- and raised doubts about whether the war was winnable. Meanwhile, University of Wisconsin students were protesting the presence of Dow Chemical recruiters on campus; the demonstration soon spun out of control, marking the first time a protest became violent. Told by those who took part in the events, the film offers a window into a defining American moment.

A Few Days in September - Quelques jours en septembre (2006) NR

On Sept. 1, 2001, 10 days before the events that shook the world, CIA agent Elliott (Nick Nolte) disappears. With the help of Elliott's son David (Tom Riley), French agent Irène Montano (Juliette Binoche) scours Venice and Paris to find him, with a bizarre, poetry-reading assassin (John Turturro) on their trail. The clock ticks toward the fateful day, as the information Elliott holds threatens to keep him hidden permanently.

Four Days in July(1985) NR

Indie director Mike Leigh chronicles two Belfast couples who exist on opposite sides of a fissure that defines nearly everything in the lives of the people of Northern Ireland. Catholics Collette (Brid Brennan) and Eugene (Des McAleer) and Protestants Lorraine (Paula Hamilton) and Billy (Charles Lawson) prepare for the births of their firstborn in this 1985 character study, which Leigh infuses with his signature offbeat humor.

Four Days in September - O Que É Isso, Companheiro? (1997) R

Based on a true story, this is the moving account of the September, 1969, kidnapping of the American ambassador to Brazil (played by Alan Arkin). A group of young idealists plans the terrorist act -- their only perceived means of voicing their dreams and visions in a military regime. The film delves candidly into their lives and emotions as they begin to question both the depth of their allegiance to the group and the motives of their comrades.

Gumball 3000: 6 Days in May(2004) NR

Some of the most amazing cars ever built race across Spain and head south into Africa in the 6th Annual Gumball 3000 Rally. This film captures the 2004 race, which featured Ferrari Enzos, Hummers, Caterhams, Aston Martins and other rare autos driven by an eccentric mix of skateboard pros, supermodels, Saudi royals and billionaires. The thrills abound as racers evade the law to be the first to cross the finish line at the Cannes Film Festival.

Six Days in June
Six Days(2007) NR

Using battle footage, interviews with the protagonists, re-creations and recently declassified archives, this PBS presentation tells the story of the six days in June 1967 that forever changed the face of the Middle East. Shot on location in Israel, Palestine, Egypt, Syria, Jordan, Moscow and Washington, the tightly edited film also documents the days leading up to the Arab-Israeli conflict and the evolution of the region in its aftermath.

Seven Days in May(1964) NR

Military aide Kirk Douglas stumbles across a plot by his boss (Burt Lancaster) to overthrow the U.S. president (Fredric March), who has just negotiated a controversial peace treaty. Douglas' dilemma: Follow orders and remain silent, or betray his boss. Director John Frankenheimer demonstrates the same mastery that made The Manchurian Candidate a classic, and Lancaster gives an effective performance in an unsympathetic role.

7 Days in September
(2004) NR

With help from almost 30 filmmakers, director Steven Rosenbaum turns the tragic events of September 11, 2001 -- the memories of which are forever jarred in our psyches -- into a moving portrait of emotion, loss and even kindness. Although the film uses footage of the horrific attacks on the World Trade Center and the resulting catastrophic loss, it also hones in on New York City's tremendous ability to rebuild, through will and compassion.

Speaking of months and Netflix... if you made it this far, and you aren't a Netflix member yet, here's a free 1-month trial offer. Normally the trial period is just two weeks, but this is the RoBeast Bonus. The offer expires on June 15th. Fuck those zealots over at Blockbuster and sign up. If you are already a Netflix nerd like me, add me as a friend and spy on my dirty viewing habits.

The Robeast Rollie Diane Lane movie review - Descending Angel

The Ro-Beastress is out of town which means it's time to sneak Diane Lane movies up to the top of the Netflix queue. Following my bizarre obsession with seeing every Diane Lane movie in existence, I have today been led to Descending Angel.

Oh yeah, SPOILER ALERT (as if you'll ever see this film).

Descending Angel is not part of the Hollywood Hooker Angel franchise (Angel, Avenging Angel, Angel III: The Final Chapter, Angel 4: Just Kidding About the Final Chapter Business) but bringing it up does allow me the chance to say "angel" 7 times in one sentence--a BaTR record! I'll be honest, any time I see the word "angel" with a lower case "A," it looks misspelled. I don't feel the same way about "angle." In fact, when I see "Angle" with a capital "A," that looks misspelled. Funk dat!

Yeah so Descending Angel is like Meet the Parents but instead of Ben Stiller finding out his soon-to-be father-in-law Robert De Niro is an ex-CIA agent, it's Eric Roberts finding out his soon-to-be father-in-law George C. Scott is an ex-Nazi. Foreshadowing, an important element in successful screenwriting, is used liberally in the first half hour of the film. Another fundamental building block of clever cinematic storytelling, showing Diane Lane's boobs, is deployed within the first minute. I'm not too far into the movie yet, but I'm pretty sure I know what's going to happen. I just hope Diane Lane doesn't get killed in the inevitable Man-vs.-Man's Girlfriend's Father showdown.

Technically speaking, I've seen way worse Diane Lane films. The one about chess with Christopher Lambert (I can't believe she married that douche IRL) was fucking terrible and I think the entire audio track was dubbed. I feel like there was a Baldwin in that one too. Eric Roberts at least has some charisma, though he's always seemed like an overactor to me (yes, even in Best of the Best). The version of Descending Angel that I've rented is not widescreen (which bugs the hell out of me) and the film quality is a little cruddy but at least the movie was made with no genetically engineered ingredients. Oh wait, that's my Bearitos all natural unsalted tortilla chips made with organic yellow corn.

There's a line of dialogue delivered by a snotty bookstore clerk that is funny. "Uh, excuse me, we'd appreciate it if you left the books with the covers facing out!" he says in a huff as Eric Roberts carelessly rushes out of the store. The line really serves no purpose in plot or character development, so I feel like it was thrown in with the intention of being funny, but it wasn't executed in a particularly funny way. I think that made it funny to me! So does that make the line unintentionally funny, unintentionally unintentionally funny, or unintentionally intentionally funny? I defer for an official Semanticman ruling.

Wait, hold on... saxophones! And you know what saxophones mean, right? Nipple discontinuity, apparently. I guess you could still get away with that gross negligence in 1990. That decade also marked the unfortunate demise of pivotal microfiche revelation scenes, but behold, one is presented here in all its glory. It's just not very dramatic these days when characters discover things on the internets (unless it's Diane Lane tracking a cyberpsychokiller in Untraceable, which I will pretend is thrilling when it floats to the top of my queue).

I admit that there were two camera shots that I liked a lot (that didn't even involve boobs), but all in all, Descending Angel is pretty corny, predictable, and a total rip off of Meet the Parents ten years in advance. This is basically Eric Roberts' stab at Sleeping With the Enemy (one year in advance).

Speaking of sleeping... the 3rd act. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The 3rd act features running! And pushing! And a soundtrack! And a gun! And...

Yeah, I fucking called it an hour ago. Diane Lane dead.

Wait, saxophones again? Uh, you guys are doing it wrong.

Back in the Blue Lion and Reporting for Duty, sir!

I'm back y'all. I'm back y'all. I'm backer than back 'cuz I'm back y'all! Sorry for the interruption in Princess service. The last 2 weeks have been a doozy. Just as I was mustering up the strength to report on the rest of SXSW and plan a trip to WMC and South Beach, I was laid low. I got a crazy production gig on a movie or really the trailer of a movie. I was what we in the biz call a UPM or Unit Production Manager, and I had 4 business days to put together a crew of essentially 50 people. This is how it works. A production company from say LA or NY decides they are going to shoot a feature in anytown, USA. They then have to find someone local to put the shoot together. That person is me, but I am more like Ms. Wolf. I am the cleaner. "So you say we have a headless body, a blood-spattered cadillac, and 2 knuckleheads with brains all over them. I'm 30 minutes away; I'll see you in 15." Yes. Your Princess is a specialist in shit sandwiches. This one was no different. Let me outline for you the degree of difficulty I faced on this particular shoot. I got the call end of business day on Good Friday. Sweet. A holiday weekend? Awesome, no one is going to call me back 'til Monday. You need 50 crew and equipment and film and catering? Plus, there already are 3 features and MTV in town shooting. And why is that? Because the writer's strike just ended, and we have a month until the SAG strike, so EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE is busting ass to get as much production done in the shortest window possible. This, of course, means that we are all fighting over the same crews and equipment. Everyone is already booked. Everyone is already working. All the equipment is pretty much rented out. Now you have 4 business days until the shoot. Make the magic happen. And by god, I fucking did.

I spent the next 4 days in a full court press with my production coordinator (@tigerlilybelle you RAWK), and we called every single asshole in town. Seriously. Every single one. I thought my phone was going to meltdown or spontaneously combust. I had to recharge it a minimum of 3 times a day. It was insanity. I ended up bringing people in from the 3 other surrounding towns and getting people to drive down for the shoot. Oh yeah, the shoot was all at night and all exteriors. Who doesn't jump at the chance to pull an all-nighter in the wet and cold, and then turn around and drive home afterwards? SWEET! We didn't even have enough headsets for the whole crew because we had the last 20 headsets in TOWN. There were no more to be had anywhere. Then, because that was not hard enough for me, I go and convince them to add a real live stunt. Now we have stunt people and EMTs and more equipment. You never cheap out your stunts. You want a big hook moment in your trailer to grab the audience and bring them to see the movie, so your stunt better look good. NO faking it with a piece of pipe and some tight shots of the actress' face. Boo Hiss. That way leads to madness and bullshit and is a waste of cash. If you're gonna spend the money anyway...do it right.

Adding the stunt added a +10 modifier of difficulty to my job though. Because now there are EMTs to bring in and stunt people and a stunt coordinator and more equipment such as stunt pads and harnesses and rigging. I do not think I can adequately impress upon you, the gentle readers, how fizzucking hard this shit is under a normal circumstance, but to do all this in 4 business days (the shoot was on Friday and I had Monday-Thursday to figure it all out) with everyone already booked out is well-nigh impossible. But, I am a Princess and a professional and so is everyone I choose to work with. We made that shit happen. I was still staffing the day OF the shoot. Yes, the day of. You read that correctly. Not only, did we get an awesome and super professional crew with tons of experience; we got all the equipment and filmstock and cranes and lights and hoopla, and we got everyone fed yummy organic food. Good food is the secret to any kind of set. You need good food for the crew, or they will mutiny. People will put up with an asshole DP (Director of Photography) or a rainstorm or freezing temperatures if they have good food. Oh and, all DPs are assholes. ALL. It is the nature of the job.

I worked a 25 hour day the day of the shoot. Me. Up for 25 hours working without the benefit of any kind of helpful drugs. Then I went into a mini-coma, and the second I recovered I had to do my returns and paperwork and shoot accounting which I sent off yesterday, and then I went out and got shitfaced drunk. So, that's where I was. I had nary a stray moment or brain cell to devote to the blog or anything else for that matter like washing my hair. From now on, I am going to have a bunch of posts pre-written just in case this kind of thing happens again, and it will. I am still on my learning curve with the bloggy blog blogthing. Bear with me. Have patience. I will never abandon you completely. I will never quit you entirely. If the blog ever (hah) starts generating cash, then I can loll about without pants and spend all my time stringing words together to titillate and amuse you. Until then though, Mommy has a mortgage payment and Voltron is costly to maintain. All the maintenance and spare parts and the fluids and spark plugs and such cost real Planet Arus dollars. Until then, I must jump on board when the works comes knocking on my door. Between my sheer exhaustion and this hangover, I have about 5 working brain cells left. I'm gonna go lay down now and dream of a world without pants.

Princess Out.

ps. Did I mention this movie is about Willie Nelson? Oh yeah, the red-headed stranger was on set until 3:15am.