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Showing posts with label sports entertainment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sports entertainment. Show all posts
October 21, 2011
June 9, 2009
The Equivocal Equivalent of an Equivalency Test.
I recently read an article announcing Paul McCartney's upcoming gigs at the newly built Shea Stadium. I can't stop thinking about the news item, not because I'm interested in baseball, or Two-Thousand Late McCartney, but because of the awkward quote found deep in the article:
While I'm not a baseball fan, I know what it means to be playing in the bottom of the ninth. It suggests that:
Now it's your last chance to win and you've got the bases loaded. You get a grand slam and score four runs. Great job! Unfortunately, I don't know what the exact score of the game was before, so it's entirely possible that you are still losing the game. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt (just this once) and assume that your intention is to describe a "come from behind victory" to end the game.
But isn't this the inaugural concert of the new Shea Stadium? Wouldn't this just be the musical equivalent of a first inning scoring opportunity? Chances are, a first inning grand slam it would probably give you the early lead in the game--a tactical and psychological advantage. Maybe it wouldn't be as dramatic as a grand slam in the last inning, but four runs are four runs, you know?
Billy Joel playing the final concert at the old Shea Stadium... now that's sounds more a bottom of the ninth inning with loaded bases (ok, technically it sounds like torture to me). Paul McCartney joining him on stage for a few tunes... there's the musical equivalent of a grand slam. This grand opening of the stadium should really be considered a new game really. A new game in the following season even.
Before I "Let it Be," let's "Get Back" to the original quote because "I've Got a Feeling" there's more than meets the eye. I don't think Randy Phillips is really talking about the Mets organization or Paul McCartney wielding the bat for this hypothetical grand slam. I think he's talking about his own company, AEG Live. "To land McCartney" for a concert may be a big deal in the promotions world, but to compare it to a "come from behind victory" is unnecessary unless:
Oh, by the way... Shea Stadium is the park, Paul McCartney is the ball, and I won't be cheering unless he plays this version of "Yesterday"...
"For the Mets organization to land McCartney as its inaugural entertainer is 'the musical equivalent of a grand-slam home run in the bottom of the ninth with bases loaded,' says Randy Phillips, president and CEO of AEG Live, which is promoting the concerts."I see this cliche fantasy scenario brought up fairly often but here in particular, it just doesn't seem to fit. Let's jump in and tear it up.
While I'm not a baseball fan, I know what it means to be playing in the bottom of the ninth. It suggests that:
- You are playing for the home team.
- You are not winning.
Now it's your last chance to win and you've got the bases loaded. You get a grand slam and score four runs. Great job! Unfortunately, I don't know what the exact score of the game was before, so it's entirely possible that you are still losing the game. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt (just this once) and assume that your intention is to describe a "come from behind victory" to end the game.
But isn't this the inaugural concert of the new Shea Stadium? Wouldn't this just be the musical equivalent of a first inning scoring opportunity? Chances are, a first inning grand slam it would probably give you the early lead in the game--a tactical and psychological advantage. Maybe it wouldn't be as dramatic as a grand slam in the last inning, but four runs are four runs, you know?
Billy Joel playing the final concert at the old Shea Stadium... now that's sounds more a bottom of the ninth inning with loaded bases (ok, technically it sounds like torture to me). Paul McCartney joining him on stage for a few tunes... there's the musical equivalent of a grand slam. This grand opening of the stadium should really be considered a new game really. A new game in the following season even.
Before I "Let it Be," let's "Get Back" to the original quote because "I've Got a Feeling" there's more than meets the eye. I don't think Randy Phillips is really talking about the Mets organization or Paul McCartney wielding the bat for this hypothetical grand slam. I think he's talking about his own company, AEG Live. "To land McCartney" for a concert may be a big deal in the promotions world, but to compare it to a "come from behind victory" is unnecessary unless:
- You are not winning.
Oh, by the way... Shea Stadium is the park, Paul McCartney is the ball, and I won't be cheering unless he plays this version of "Yesterday"...
September 25, 2008
Armchair Politics
I feel like every time John McCain (or someone on his campaign team) comes up with something wacky that "energizes" or "shakes up" the Presidential Race, such as picking a unknown female running mate from an outfield state, or halting his campaign to concentrate on economic reform, it makes me think of Monday Night RAW, where a WWE commissioner will come down to the ring in the middle of an interview and announce that a previously scheduled match will now take place in a barbed wire steel cage, or every match from now on will be "career ending."
That's a nice, long sentence, right?
Seriously, fuck that shit. McCain's shocking acts are just that--acts. Stunts. Ratings boosters. He's going to gimmick himself to death. Not that I'm complaining really, but I don't like to see the American public have to be subjected to disingenious tricks. Sure, the economy is important. Everything is important. You want to make a statement that I'll believe in? Cancel your campaign entirely, go back to the Senate and fix the economy. And then pass a bill that requires everyone in Congress to be in attendance for every single vote, every single day. You spoiled rich pricks. Run your god damned campaign while you do the fucking job that we already pay you too much to do.
Great, now I'm pissed off.
August 18, 2008
MeTube YouTube BoobTube GrooveTube
I know you guys are missing Teh Beauty part of Beauty and the RoBeast. Believe me, I am too. Maybe this will bring her back:
While we're on the subject of YouTube, I have been bouncing around the idea of making aa t-shirt to celebrate my unintentional vore video popularity. Hell, my mom has already heard the story, so I've got nothing to be ashamed of anymore. I came up with this design the other day:
The view count has gone up 30 since Friday, so the design is already a collectible!
Speaking of collectibles, I spent a long time on Friday reading a great article about the Masters of the Universe action figures on Retrojunk.com. As it turns out, so many of the characters from the He-Man toy line were just recycled molds that Mattel had leftover from other older toy lines. Skeletor was copied off Captain Drake who was copied off of ME!
Mattel could totally get away with it though because Big Jim came out ten years before He-Man in some other country that probably didn't have the internet. Losers!
You know what else happens in other countries? Sometimes when they get our cartoons (created by Japanese animators), the words are all changed and whatnot. This can be funny. Other times they just forget to translate the lyrics all together and dub a rockin' 80's guitar melody into the mix instead!
I downloaded a bunch of shit this weekend while trying again (in vain, perhaps) to use all my Emusic credits and cancel the damn account already because I HAVE TOO MUCH MUSIC (not to be confused with MuchMusic2 which doesn't actually exist... MuchMoreMusic is what you're probably not thinking of)! I downloaded a bunch Ipecac Records releases, most of which sounded like instrumental soundtracks to old cartoons.
It's strange what music I like, but it's probably more strange what I don't. "What distinguishes one avant garde experimental noise track from another?" was the question the RoBeastress posed to me this past weekend while at a free show at Central Park's Summerstage (Battles, Black Dice, and Gang Gang Dance). My succinct answer (2 days later) is "DYNAMICS." Her other questions: "Why do you keep calling me The RoBeastress?" But I digress(ess)...
Actually, I'll digress further now. There are two sounds that I would like to imitate on record sometime in my life:
I think these are valid life goals. I wonder which one is going to be more difficult.
Did anyone watch Law and Order: Criminal Intent last night? It was Chris Noth's final episode. He kinda left without a bang. And I mean that literally--I thought (hoped) he was going to get shot. Nobody's got the scene on YouTube yet, so I can't share. Not that it's even interesting. I actually do like his character even though he's angry most of the time and usually pulls out his Jump to Conclusions Mat fairly early. I liked when he was paired up with Annabella Sciorra. Why is Blogger emboldenating everything? This blogging is like a never-ending fucking battle.
Anyway, I liked when he was paired up with the redhead too (probably because she, like Annabella Sciorra, was on The Sopranos). This Wheeler chick I'm just not crazy about. It's not her personally, I just don't like her character. Or her character's haircut. I don't what the fuck is going to happen when Jeff Goldblum takes over in the next season. He could very well be the only actor on the planet who can out-weird Vincent D'onofrio. I hope they have crossovers. It's all I ask for, USA.
"USA! USA! USA!"
While we're on the subject of YouTube, I have been bouncing around the idea of making aa t-shirt to celebrate my unintentional vore video popularity. Hell, my mom has already heard the story, so I've got nothing to be ashamed of anymore. I came up with this design the other day:
The view count has gone up 30 since Friday, so the design is already a collectible!
Speaking of collectibles, I spent a long time on Friday reading a great article about the Masters of the Universe action figures on Retrojunk.com. As it turns out, so many of the characters from the He-Man toy line were just recycled molds that Mattel had leftover from other older toy lines. Skeletor was copied off Captain Drake who was copied off of ME!
Mattel could totally get away with it though because Big Jim came out ten years before He-Man in some other country that probably didn't have the internet. Losers!You know what else happens in other countries? Sometimes when they get our cartoons (created by Japanese animators), the words are all changed and whatnot. This can be funny. Other times they just forget to translate the lyrics all together and dub a rockin' 80's guitar melody into the mix instead!
I downloaded a bunch of shit this weekend while trying again (in vain, perhaps) to use all my Emusic credits and cancel the damn account already because I HAVE TOO MUCH MUSIC (not to be confused with MuchMusic2 which doesn't actually exist... MuchMoreMusic is what you're probably not thinking of)! I downloaded a bunch Ipecac Records releases, most of which sounded like instrumental soundtracks to old cartoons.
It's strange what music I like, but it's probably more strange what I don't. "What distinguishes one avant garde experimental noise track from another?" was the question the RoBeastress posed to me this past weekend while at a free show at Central Park's Summerstage (Battles, Black Dice, and Gang Gang Dance). My succinct answer (2 days later) is "DYNAMICS." Her other questions: "Why do you keep calling me The RoBeastress?" But I digress(ess)...
Actually, I'll digress further now. There are two sounds that I would like to imitate on record sometime in my life:
I think these are valid life goals. I wonder which one is going to be more difficult.
Did anyone watch Law and Order: Criminal Intent last night? It was Chris Noth's final episode. He kinda left without a bang. And I mean that literally--I thought (hoped) he was going to get shot. Nobody's got the scene on YouTube yet, so I can't share. Not that it's even interesting. I actually do like his character even though he's angry most of the time and usually pulls out his Jump to Conclusions Mat fairly early. I liked when he was paired up with Annabella Sciorra. Why is Blogger emboldenating everything? This blogging is like a never-ending fucking battle.
Anyway, I liked when he was paired up with the redhead too (probably because she, like Annabella Sciorra, was on The Sopranos). This Wheeler chick I'm just not crazy about. It's not her personally, I just don't like her character. Or her character's haircut. I don't what the fuck is going to happen when Jeff Goldblum takes over in the next season. He could very well be the only actor on the planet who can out-weird Vincent D'onofrio. I hope they have crossovers. It's all I ask for, USA.
"USA! USA! USA!"
July 12, 2008
RoBeast reviews the first half of 2008
Beauty and the RoBeast. I just renewed the domain for another year. I'm amazed that we ever got this thing of ours off the ground. Not the mafia, I mean this blogsite. It was conceived somewhere between Princess Meagan's ears sometime in mid-2007, but never actually ejected from our collective finger genitals until the very last week of the year. Here we are 100+ posts later, and there have been lots of failed attempts at reoccurring features (like RoBeast's Rednesday Rhetoric), unanswered quiz questions, and empty promises. I can't even settle on how to spell RoBeast. Ro-Beast? Robeast?
Obviously it hasn't been all bad, or I wouldn't keep coming back, and more importantly, you wouldn't. Beauty and the RoBeast has touched all 50 states, and 37 countries from Japan to Iran then back to Vietnam. Of course, everyone's just looking for more Centaur and Vore porn, but we'll take what we can get. And now without further adieu, I will tie up some loose ends from the first half of Two Thousand and Eight.
Tournament of Plasma
Friendship Unbroken
Bloodsport: All Strikes Are Allowed
Bloodsport: Tanaka's Honor
Bloodsport: A True Story
Forbidden Battle
Destructive Force
Without Exclusion of Blows
Bloodsport: To The Last Man
Heroic Red Hemorrhage
The Challenge
OK! USA!
American Ass: The Frank Dux Story
Fighting Spirit: The Frank Dux Legacy
Bloody Contact
You Are Nex
The first was Orlando Jones, one of the world's only admittedly bisexual wrestlers, actually kissing the Ultimate Warrior's face.
That may look like a headbutt, butt, itt's nott. The Warrior was on his knees in the center of the ring as Orlando taunted and slapped him around a bit. He then bent down and gave the Warrior quite a few pecks on his sweaty facepaintless mug. The Warrior, who in his conservative blogs and public speaking engagements has never had anything positive to say about gays or gay rights, took it like a champ. While not entirely unexpected, this was probably the most entertaining moment of the match.
Highly unexpected was the Warrior leap from the top turnbuckle:
I'm glad that even though his knee was blown out, he still went ahead and went for a big move that he rarely even attempted when he was in his prime.
Finally, "the big speech" after match has been restored. The Warrior breaks kayfabe and speaks out of character, and in fact refers to the Warrior as "a character." You don't see this in wrestling very often. Or ever. He spoke for a few minutes (without yelling), thanking the fans, NWE, and Orlando Jones, and then promptly vacated the title.
I would've liked for this to be the original way the match was presented, instead of that bizarre edited schmozz. This version ended on a more positive, satisfying note. I still think the Warrior is finished with pro wrestling, but at least he went out with cheers from the fans that stuck around.
Have a nice.
Obviously it hasn't been all bad, or I wouldn't keep coming back, and more importantly, you wouldn't. Beauty and the RoBeast has touched all 50 states, and 37 countries from Japan to Iran then back to Vietnam. Of course, everyone's just looking for more Centaur and Vore porn, but we'll take what we can get. And now without further adieu, I will tie up some loose ends from the first half of Two Thousand and Eight.
- I still have not run a marathon. Every time I run over 10 miles, I end up with a sore knee and a bruised mangina for 3 weeks. Trix from Birds and Trix is trying to convince to do a half-marathon in September though. I may give it a shot.
- I never finished watching Batman Begins and will make no attempt to watch Batman Begins Again (or whatever the new one is called).
- I never wrote a letter to USA asking "Why the fuck can't you show Law & Order episdoes IN ORDER?"
- I did write letters to Chuck Creekmor of allhiphop.com and Jim DeRogatis of The Chicago Sun-Times, but I never got responses from either. Pussies.
- We sold out and installed Google Ads, but didn't tell you to click on them because that's against Google policy. We have so far made $0.00.
- My unintentional Vore porn debut youtube clip is up to 3500 views.
- I did finally install a RoBeast dictionpedia sidebar over there to the right --->
- I never came up with a satisfactory term for rolling up and down an electric car window that had a futuristic Z in it because Avery (of Terminus Est) had a suggestion that could not be topped: maximizing and minimizing the window.
- I have to yet to install this BlogRoll thing that Blogger has been recommending for a month now.
- I did watch Roadhouse after Jeff Healey died.
- I did not watch Roadhouse after Patrick Swayze did not die.
- Teh Beauty did not get sick and die. She swears.
- I'm not "durnk" anymore, but it was exciting to wake up the next day and see "homemade saline solution" as the last thing I googled the night before.
- The incorrectly named Prosacea continues to successfully fight the redcoats off of my faceland.
- I still have not decided whether I'm choosing Tub Ring's The Great Filter or Battles' Mirrored as the 2007 Album of the Year.
- Local H's 12 Angry Months is currently leading for 2008's Album of the Year, although Michelle Branch's next solo record has not yet been released.
- I did not buy Weezer's new album. Nor did I write about their video like I promised.
- I did buy Sarah Bareilles' album but I did not review it like I promised. So here is my review:
Little Voice is good. "Love Song" is the most perfect pop song written in a long time and I hope Sarah Bareilles gets a million dollars for it. Because I'm cheap, I downloaded a demo version of the song before I actually bought the album. The demo version featured just piano and singing, and when I did pick up the album, there were some production decisions that disappointed me a bit. I felt the drumming on the finished track (specifically in the post-choruses) did not do justice to the potential dynamics of the song. Fewer snare hits would have made all the difference in the world. I also preferred the longer piano intro.
Although it did not make it to #1 on the charts, "Bottle It Up" makes me do a #1 in my pants whenever I hear it. "One Sweet Love" is fantastic as well, though the muted electric guitar way back in the mix in the beginning is a little too Motivational Video for me. That was a very small complaint. This is a bigger one: I always skip "Vegas" because it feels too much like Fiona Apple. Not that I even have a problem with Fiona Apple, I just think Sarah Bareilles is more effective in her own unique style. Her voice is far from little and I am looking forward to her next album. The end. - The naked girls in the "Sexy Nintendo Tattoos for Geeky Girls" were 80's pop princesses:
Tiffany WhateverTiffanysLastNameIs (duck hunt dog pubes)
Debbie Gibson (excitebike ass)
Carnie Wilson (fire flower nipples)
Belinda Carlisle (tecmo bowl tramp stamp) - The correct international translations for Bloodsport are in bold:
Tournament of Plasma
Friendship Unbroken
Bloodsport: All Strikes Are Allowed
Bloodsport: Tanaka's Honor
Bloodsport: A True Story
Forbidden Battle
Destructive Force
Without Exclusion of Blows
Bloodsport: To The Last Man
Heroic Red Hemorrhage
The Challenge
OK! USA!
American Ass: The Frank Dux Story
Fighting Spirit: The Frank Dux Legacy
Bloody Contact
You Are Nex
- The Ultimate Warrior match I reviewed was not actually the entire match. Of course that's not my fault because they never released the whole match until this past week. Why they made the decision to webcast an edited version of match people paid $30 for, I'll never understand. I think it's tarded, but at least I can give you a few highlights we missed the first time around:
The first was Orlando Jones, one of the world's only admittedly bisexual wrestlers, actually kissing the Ultimate Warrior's face.
That may look like a headbutt, butt, itt's nott. The Warrior was on his knees in the center of the ring as Orlando taunted and slapped him around a bit. He then bent down and gave the Warrior quite a few pecks on his sweaty facepaintless mug. The Warrior, who in his conservative blogs and public speaking engagements has never had anything positive to say about gays or gay rights, took it like a champ. While not entirely unexpected, this was probably the most entertaining moment of the match.
Highly unexpected was the Warrior leap from the top turnbuckle:
I'm glad that even though his knee was blown out, he still went ahead and went for a big move that he rarely even attempted when he was in his prime.Finally, "the big speech" after match has been restored. The Warrior breaks kayfabe and speaks out of character, and in fact refers to the Warrior as "a character." You don't see this in wrestling very often. Or ever. He spoke for a few minutes (without yelling), thanking the fans, NWE, and Orlando Jones, and then promptly vacated the title.
I would've liked for this to be the original way the match was presented, instead of that bizarre edited schmozz. This version ended on a more positive, satisfying note. I still think the Warrior is finished with pro wrestling, but at least he went out with cheers from the fans that stuck around.Have a nice.
June 26, 2008
NO-stalgia: The Return of the Ultimate Warrior
The Ultimate Warrior made his return to the squared circle last night. Or yesterday. I have no idea when it actually happened. All I know is that the group assigned to deliver the match last night as (sort of) promised, did not. After several "we swear it's working now... oh no wait the website crashed again" emails, I gave up for the night. My guess is the Warrior probably needed to approve of the video edit before releasing the match worldwide. While I'm pissed off by the delay, as a control freak myself, I sort of don't blame him.
Anyway, as of this morning the stream is working. And I'm about to watch it and tell you everything that happens. I'm also going to post some screencaps I took from the Daily Motion stream, which could get us into some trouble. Let's cross that bridge when we come to it.
SPOILERS AHOY! (as if you don't know who wins the match)
First impressions. Orlando Jordan, the opponent and reigning NWE (no idea what that stands for) champion was announced first. Just as it's unusual for the first bidder on The Price is Right showcase showdown to not pass on the first set of prizes, it's strange to see the champion announced first. I guess this is a special situation as the Warrior is technically a bigger name, but to be honest, not many fans in the arena outside of high-five range seemed to give two shits.
While the Warrior legally owns the rights to his name, he clearly does not have the rights to his music, which used to be fucking awesome. It was a bastardization of Black Sabbath's "Paranoid" in the first place, but his new music is like the Japanese half-cousin, twice-removed of the original. Maybe they're making an Ultimate Warrior video game, I don't know.
He barely ran down to the ring, and he wore that big fucking coat. Maybe that slows him down? Maybe it's an excuse. I'm pretty sure he was limping a bit too. I'm not surprised; he was apparently training 8 hours a day for the past month and probably broke his knee or something.
I know I'm spending so much time just critiquing his ring entrance. That's because with the Warrior, 95% of the appeal was the entrance (which also exhausted 95% of his stamina). He always ran and shook the ropes and got every kid in the audience to jump up and freak out too. It was electrifying. But maybe no one in the Barcelona crowd remembers him? I don't know, it has been a long time. I felt bad. He shook the ropes and scaled the turnbuckles, but hardly anyone stood with him except for the two little girls that came into the ring to help him take his coat off. Are they his daughters?
Ok, the coat's off and the dude is still in shape. Sure, a little deflated from the 80's steroid heydey, but I applaud him. He's 50! He looks out of breath already, but the crowd has acknowledged his facepaint, armbands, and muscles. Orlando Jordan is doing a good job selling the moves, but already after about a minute, they're locked up in an extra long collar-and-elbow-tie-up (or is it a collar-into-elbow-tie-up?) and look they're having a fucking business conference. This is when people are supposed to yell "BORRRRING!" We all know the match will be ten minutes top. Did they not rehearse?
Two minutes in, and we've already seen 8,000 shots of what I'm presuming is the Warrior's wife and kids sitting in the front row. Who fucking cares?
A bear hug from behind (aka another "BORRRRING" moment) and I can see fans in the crowd taking the opportunity to go get some papas fritas. The close-up camera work is kinda shitty anyway. Sometimes I can't tell if the Warrior is kicking out of pins, or if Orlando Jordan is just deciding to stand up. Also, his face paint is almost all gone already, but a few seconds of rolling around on the floor outside and he's attached enough gold confetti to his skin to make up for it.
The crowd has finally come alive (vocally, at least) but they're chanting something that I can't understand at all. It doesn't sound like they're saying "ABURRIDO!" but I can't make it out. Whatever they're saying, it has envoked a suplex from the top rope, though it looks incredibly obvious that Orlando Jordan cinches himself into the move.
Oddly, Orlando Jordan covers the Warrior for the pin after the suplex, which technically should have hurt him more. Regardless, the Warrior is now hulking up and I assume this match will soon be...
Jesucristo! It was over before I finished typing the last sentence! A half-assed shoulder block ends the match before a nonchalant cover and 3-count. He ended a lot of matches that way (minus the crickets chirping), but usually, it was the apex of a flurry of ropework. This was more like an accidental collision:
Despite the lack of the Warrior's iconic gorilla press slam, he begins celebrating his victory in the ring, and already, I see lots of empty seats. Maybe they're running up to get autographs, I don't know. Maybe they're just unimpressed. As the Warrior proudly holds his daughters hands in the ring, a father and son in the crowd give the Warrior a rude gesture on their way out (and it's not a "Hail, President Skroob" as it may look in the picture). It makes me want to cry. Ok, maybe the match was disappointing, but the Warrior's matches were never highly technical in the first place. What did people expect?
Running, and music, and a gorilla press, that's what. Fuck, I am going to cry.
So I guess he's the NWE champion now? I'll be honest, I don't think he's going to keep wrestling. I'm pretty sure he's already injured. I think a lot of people felt cheated by this 8-minute production too. Do I count myself as one of them? I'm not sure. The comeback was inspirational for old men like me, but the results, meh. Or, bah. Possibly, fah.
To sum up my review in a language that only wrestling fans will understand: this match was no Gorilla Press. It was just a fucking shoulder block.
[Go here for some additional comments on the full length version of the match]
Anyway, as of this morning the stream is working. And I'm about to watch it and tell you everything that happens. I'm also going to post some screencaps I took from the Daily Motion stream, which could get us into some trouble. Let's cross that bridge when we come to it.
SPOILERS AHOY! (as if you don't know who wins the match)
First impressions. Orlando Jordan, the opponent and reigning NWE (no idea what that stands for) champion was announced first. Just as it's unusual for the first bidder on The Price is Right showcase showdown to not pass on the first set of prizes, it's strange to see the champion announced first. I guess this is a special situation as the Warrior is technically a bigger name, but to be honest, not many fans in the arena outside of high-five range seemed to give two shits.
While the Warrior legally owns the rights to his name, he clearly does not have the rights to his music, which used to be fucking awesome. It was a bastardization of Black Sabbath's "Paranoid" in the first place, but his new music is like the Japanese half-cousin, twice-removed of the original. Maybe they're making an Ultimate Warrior video game, I don't know.He barely ran down to the ring, and he wore that big fucking coat. Maybe that slows him down? Maybe it's an excuse. I'm pretty sure he was limping a bit too. I'm not surprised; he was apparently training 8 hours a day for the past month and probably broke his knee or something.
I know I'm spending so much time just critiquing his ring entrance. That's because with the Warrior, 95% of the appeal was the entrance (which also exhausted 95% of his stamina). He always ran and shook the ropes and got every kid in the audience to jump up and freak out too. It was electrifying. But maybe no one in the Barcelona crowd remembers him? I don't know, it has been a long time. I felt bad. He shook the ropes and scaled the turnbuckles, but hardly anyone stood with him except for the two little girls that came into the ring to help him take his coat off. Are they his daughters?
Ok, the coat's off and the dude is still in shape. Sure, a little deflated from the 80's steroid heydey, but I applaud him. He's 50! He looks out of breath already, but the crowd has acknowledged his facepaint, armbands, and muscles. Orlando Jordan is doing a good job selling the moves, but already after about a minute, they're locked up in an extra long collar-and-elbow-tie-up (or is it a collar-into-elbow-tie-up?) and look they're having a fucking business conference. This is when people are supposed to yell "BORRRRING!" We all know the match will be ten minutes top. Did they not rehearse?
Two minutes in, and we've already seen 8,000 shots of what I'm presuming is the Warrior's wife and kids sitting in the front row. Who fucking cares?
A bear hug from behind (aka another "BORRRRING" moment) and I can see fans in the crowd taking the opportunity to go get some papas fritas. The close-up camera work is kinda shitty anyway. Sometimes I can't tell if the Warrior is kicking out of pins, or if Orlando Jordan is just deciding to stand up. Also, his face paint is almost all gone already, but a few seconds of rolling around on the floor outside and he's attached enough gold confetti to his skin to make up for it.The crowd has finally come alive (vocally, at least) but they're chanting something that I can't understand at all. It doesn't sound like they're saying "ABURRIDO!" but I can't make it out. Whatever they're saying, it has envoked a suplex from the top rope, though it looks incredibly obvious that Orlando Jordan cinches himself into the move.
Oddly, Orlando Jordan covers the Warrior for the pin after the suplex, which technically should have hurt him more. Regardless, the Warrior is now hulking up and I assume this match will soon be...Jesucristo! It was over before I finished typing the last sentence! A half-assed shoulder block ends the match before a nonchalant cover and 3-count. He ended a lot of matches that way (minus the crickets chirping), but usually, it was the apex of a flurry of ropework. This was more like an accidental collision:
Despite the lack of the Warrior's iconic gorilla press slam, he begins celebrating his victory in the ring, and already, I see lots of empty seats. Maybe they're running up to get autographs, I don't know. Maybe they're just unimpressed. As the Warrior proudly holds his daughters hands in the ring, a father and son in the crowd give the Warrior a rude gesture on their way out (and it's not a "Hail, President Skroob" as it may look in the picture). It makes me want to cry. Ok, maybe the match was disappointing, but the Warrior's matches were never highly technical in the first place. What did people expect?
Running, and music, and a gorilla press, that's what. Fuck, I am going to cry.So I guess he's the NWE champion now? I'll be honest, I don't think he's going to keep wrestling. I'm pretty sure he's already injured. I think a lot of people felt cheated by this 8-minute production too. Do I count myself as one of them? I'm not sure. The comeback was inspirational for old men like me, but the results, meh. Or, bah. Possibly, fah.
To sum up my review in a language that only wrestling fans will understand: this match was no Gorilla Press. It was just a fucking shoulder block.
[Go here for some additional comments on the full length version of the match]
June 20, 2008
I am the next Vince McMahon
I haven't bought a bike yet, but I did invest $30 into some serious 80's nostalgia: the return of The Ultimate Warrior. The match will be webcast from Barcelona next Thursday night. I'm so fucking excited that I'm running around with face paint, shaking every thing I see. A lot of yelling and grunting too.Maybe on Thursday I'll watch the match at work and project it on to a big screen in the big conference room (if I still have my job by next Thursday, that is). Just in case I am unemployed, I signed up for the Ultimate Warrior's affiliate program. If anyone wants to purchase the pay-per-view webcast and Ultimate Warrior VIP access, go here and I'll get a percentage somehow. Maybe I'll make enough to buy another Diet Coke or even a whole six pack of them.
PS - Where the hell is Teh Beauty? I'm thinking she went back to Parts Unknown to train for the Ultimate Challenge, but just in case I'm wrong, someone go check on her, O-be-K-be?
March 13, 2008
Sober the Sasquatch
that phrase kinda reminds me of thedillinger escape plan song "sunshine the werewolf" which was on their last album before the one that just came out. i realized last weekend that ire works is alsmost fire works. i also realized that i really like the album, though its taken me months to really appreciate it. there's like a 4-note piano break (though it's rpobably some other synthesizer setting) that gets me so excited in the morning i want to jump from my honda on route 80 and run all the way back home while the car sails solo down the exit to my office. the song is "Lurch" but they don't do the piano part live. the pause is at 1:30 in the video.
Hella is a band that i recently discovered on emusic and they are certainly a band who will Go Down on You in a Theater. i should say the last band i discovered on emusic because, much like an autoerotic asphyxiator, I went out on self-suspension. dadadum. wait that reminds me. the new coolest sound in the world is the ultimate warrior going baaaaaa! listen to it. it is going to officially replace every other sound in the world. my world at least. im going to say it during sex from now on.
speaking of saying ridiculous things during sex, as well as things that are new2me/old2every1else, i recently got into WEEDS. the show. kevin nealon is great on it. when he yelled 'legendary' while banging whatshername from Big., i LOLed. in fact i actually laff owt lowd a good 1 to 2 times very episode. and that's a lot for me because i hate everything. the writing is fantastic, the characters are quirky and well-acted, and storylines are unconventional and unpredictable. similarly to how i don't care about the mob on the Sopranos, i don't care about the weed on Weeds. i started watching about ten days ago and i just finished up the second season. they love the cliffhangers, eh?
no segue this time. i read a great article about Dave Grohl two weeks ago in theVillage Voice. it sums up everythought i've had about the foo fighters in a the past 4 years. i'm actually quite jealous that this dude was able to articulate those feelings without sounding as bitchy AS I.
same weekend, different newspaper. article about Scrabulous from the new york Times. unfortunately i don't have a full sentence to
back to the segues---> speaking of awesome free services on the nutterwebs being threatened by the fucking man, live365.com has driven Radioprank.com off the air due to increased royalty fees. But don't worry, they have taken up residency on loudcity instead. on my lonely girlfriend-free nights, i go to sleep listening to the sweet sexy sounds of the jerky boys, roy d. mercer, and the touch tone terrorist. it's my ambien.
hmmm.. harassment. the pink knight is email harassing me to fix the broken voltron image i apparently hotlinked in the previous blog which i suppose i'lldo when i'm finished here. i think i will activate that Google Adsense so i can start raising money to hire a staff to deal with my photolinking administrative bullshit and to respond to all of teh beauty's e-vil e-mails.
anyway this post didn't really fit into SEX WEEK,did it? well, if you consider that i typed this whole thin g using just my left hand...
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
DRUGS ARE WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG
Hella is a band that i recently discovered on emusic and they are certainly a band who will Go Down on You in a Theater. i should say the last band i discovered on emusic because, much like an autoerotic asphyxiator, I went out on self-suspension. dadadum. wait that reminds me. the new coolest sound in the world is the ultimate warrior going baaaaaa! listen to it. it is going to officially replace every other sound in the world. my world at least. im going to say it during sex from now on.
speaking of saying ridiculous things during sex, as well as things that are new2me/old2every1else, i recently got into WEEDS. the show. kevin nealon is great on it. when he yelled 'legendary' while banging whatshername from Big., i LOLed. in fact i actually laff owt lowd a good 1 to 2 times very episode. and that's a lot for me because i hate everything. the writing is fantastic, the characters are quirky and well-acted, and storylines are unconventional and unpredictable. similarly to how i don't care about the mob on the Sopranos, i don't care about the weed on Weeds. i started watching about ten days ago and i just finished up the second season. they love the cliffhangers, eh?
no segue this time. i read a great article about Dave Grohl two weeks ago in theVillage Voice. it sums up everythought i've had about the foo fighters in a the past 4 years. i'm actually quite jealous that this dude was able to articulate those feelings without sounding as bitchy AS I.
same weekend, different newspaper. article about Scrabulous from the new york Times. unfortunately i don't have a full sentence to
back to the segues---> speaking of awesome free services on the nutterwebs being threatened by the fucking man, live365.com has driven Radioprank.com off the air due to increased royalty fees. But don't worry, they have taken up residency on loudcity instead. on my lonely girlfriend-free nights, i go to sleep listening to the sweet sexy sounds of the jerky boys, roy d. mercer, and the touch tone terrorist. it's my ambien.
hmmm.. harassment. the pink knight is email harassing me to fix the broken voltron image i apparently hotlinked in the previous blog which i suppose i'lldo when i'm finished here. i think i will activate that Google Adsense so i can start raising money to hire a staff to deal with my photolinking administrative bullshit and to respond to all of teh beauty's e-vil e-mails.
anyway this post didn't really fit into SEX WEEK,did it? well, if you consider that i typed this whole thin g using just my left hand...
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
DRUGS ARE WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG
March 3, 2008
Dranx
I apparently fancy myself a drinkosaurus these days, so let me jump in with some more shitty drink reviews. (The reviews are shitty, not the drinks. Generally.)
Hint - I tried some water hinted with flavor yesterday. Tropical Fruit favor, to be exact. It was exactly that. I opened it and it smelled like flavor. I downed a large mouthful and it tasted like water. I swallowed and there was flavor again. I didn't really like the flavor, but at least I didn't drink any sugar, sodium, carbs, calories, or roofies. My biggest complaint is that I don't know what it was about the flavor that I didn't like. Ok, it says Tropical Fruit, and there is a picture of three fruits on the label, but let's pretend (or remember) that I'm dumb and don't know my fruit from my assbow. It would be nice if somewhere on the back label, they listed exactly which natural fruit flavors have been added to this water. It just says Water, Natural Flavors. If you ask me to surmise from the picture alone, I would guess Pickle, Cheesecake, and Pepperoni White Pizza with Vegetable crust. I need to make that drink.
Snapple - Alan the Speed Humper wanted to know what my all-time favorite Snapple flavor is. These days I really only drink Diet flavors because they usually only have 0-10 calories. Diet Cran-Raspberry mostly because there's no caffeine in it, but I'll have a Diet Green Tea when I'm feeling saucy. All time favorite though is between Mango Madness and Kiwi Strawberry. Diet Kiwi Strawberry is grotesque, by the way. I guess I didn't actually try any new flavors this weekend, but I did see a commercial for the new Snapple antioxidant waters. Of course, I don't remember any of it. Great fucking blog, huh? I can tell you that the Snapple flash website is awesome though. Tastes like dust though.
Mash - The bottle for Mash is stumpy like me, so I had to give it a shot. This is made in New Jersey by Boylan Bottling, but they don't even acknowledge it on their website yet. Boylan distributes to Trader Joe's, CostCo, and a bunch of retailers in NJ, NY, and Canada apparently, but I think Mash is still pretty new. I can tell you for sure that Helen's Pizza on Newark Ave. in Jersey City has it. Beyond there, I think you're on your own. If you do find it, you'll quickly discover how wacky it is. It's "A WATER DRINK" says the label. But as soon as it hit my tongue, I realized it was carbonated. Not at all what I expected. It tasted really good, but I wasn't in the mood for carbonated. They dun trickted me with their juicy-lookin' water drink and thems invisible bubbles. They should've called it Smash.
Dr. Pepper - I finally found the new limited edition Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper at Target. This is another one that you don't taste anything unusual until after you swallow it and breathe in. Smells like cherry chocolate when you open it and tastes like Dr. Pepper in your mouth. Then you get the cherry chocolate back again when you swallow. I think it tastes really good, I just wish it was all at the same time. Flavor is such a weird thing. I remember those NutriSystem sprays back in the 80's. It was literally a bottle of flavor. If you got a craving for Strawberries, you just shot a spray of Strawberry flavor into your mouth instead of running out and buying a milkshake or ice cream, and you only ended up with 10 calories or some shit. I used it as deodorant. Up my butt.
I've got a bunch of dollar-off coupons for the new limited Dr. Pepper. Isn't that exciting? You want one? You want to tell me how lame I've suddenly made this blog by talking about coupons? I guess it could be worse. I could tell you about all the couches I tried out at Crate & Barrel and Room & Board this weekend, but explaining Ass-to-Back ratio, Leg-up-ability, and Pass-Out Time Theory may take a while. Tomorrow I'll tell you about eating. Trust me, it will be quite interesting. Until then, I give you...
Coupon: The Movie
Hint - I tried some water hinted with flavor yesterday. Tropical Fruit favor, to be exact. It was exactly that. I opened it and it smelled like flavor. I downed a large mouthful and it tasted like water. I swallowed and there was flavor again. I didn't really like the flavor, but at least I didn't drink any sugar, sodium, carbs, calories, or roofies. My biggest complaint is that I don't know what it was about the flavor that I didn't like. Ok, it says Tropical Fruit, and there is a picture of three fruits on the label, but let's pretend (or remember) that I'm dumb and don't know my fruit from my assbow. It would be nice if somewhere on the back label, they listed exactly which natural fruit flavors have been added to this water. It just says Water, Natural Flavors. If you ask me to surmise from the picture alone, I would guess Pickle, Cheesecake, and Pepperoni White Pizza with Vegetable crust. I need to make that drink.Snapple - Alan the Speed Humper wanted to know what my all-time favorite Snapple flavor is. These days I really only drink Diet flavors because they usually only have 0-10 calories. Diet Cran-Raspberry mostly because there's no caffeine in it, but I'll have a Diet Green Tea when I'm feeling saucy. All time favorite though is between Mango Madness and Kiwi Strawberry. Diet Kiwi Strawberry is grotesque, by the way. I guess I didn't actually try any new flavors this weekend, but I did see a commercial for the new Snapple antioxidant waters. Of course, I don't remember any of it. Great fucking blog, huh? I can tell you that the Snapple flash website is awesome though. Tastes like dust though.
Mash - The bottle for Mash is stumpy like me, so I had to give it a shot. This is made in New Jersey by Boylan Bottling, but they don't even acknowledge it on their website yet. Boylan distributes to Trader Joe's, CostCo, and a bunch of retailers in NJ, NY, and Canada apparently, but I think Mash is still pretty new. I can tell you for sure that Helen's Pizza on Newark Ave. in Jersey City has it. Beyond there, I think you're on your own. If you do find it, you'll quickly discover how wacky it is. It's "A WATER DRINK" says the label. But as soon as it hit my tongue, I realized it was carbonated. Not at all what I expected. It tasted really good, but I wasn't in the mood for carbonated. They dun trickted me with their juicy-lookin' water drink and thems invisible bubbles. They should've called it Smash. Dr. Pepper - I finally found the new limited edition Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper at Target. This is another one that you don't taste anything unusual until after you swallow it and breathe in. Smells like cherry chocolate when you open it and tastes like Dr. Pepper in your mouth. Then you get the cherry chocolate back again when you swallow. I think it tastes really good, I just wish it was all at the same time. Flavor is such a weird thing. I remember those NutriSystem sprays back in the 80's. It was literally a bottle of flavor. If you got a craving for Strawberries, you just shot a spray of Strawberry flavor into your mouth instead of running out and buying a milkshake or ice cream, and you only ended up with 10 calories or some shit. I used it as deodorant. Up my butt.
I've got a bunch of dollar-off coupons for the new limited Dr. Pepper. Isn't that exciting? You want one? You want to tell me how lame I've suddenly made this blog by talking about coupons? I guess it could be worse. I could tell you about all the couches I tried out at Crate & Barrel and Room & Board this weekend, but explaining Ass-to-Back ratio, Leg-up-ability, and Pass-Out Time Theory may take a while. Tomorrow I'll tell you about eating. Trust me, it will be quite interesting. Until then, I give you...
Coupon: The Movie
February 18, 2008
SPORTS!
Pinchers and Catheters are currently reporting for 2008 Spring Training... also ball hitting jokes and Yankees and blah blah blah baseball is dumb.
Speaking of Cock and Ball Torture, this is exciting:
And now more Sports!
And then more about Balls!
And finally, one more about Sports...
This song is a by a band we played with in Brooklyn in 2006 called Big Daddy Project. They were all big tough biker-looking dudes dressed in all black, and they brought their own stadium-sized applause SFX to further intimidate, but their music was actually pretty silly. Which you will find out if you stop reading and click on the link already.
PS - I couldn't finish Batman Begins. I do however, recommend Confessions of Superhero, a documentary (surprise).
Speaking of Cock and Ball Torture, this is exciting:
And now more Sports!
And then more about Balls!
And finally, one more about Sports...
This song is a by a band we played with in Brooklyn in 2006 called Big Daddy Project. They were all big tough biker-looking dudes dressed in all black, and they brought their own stadium-sized applause SFX to further intimidate, but their music was actually pretty silly. Which you will find out if you stop reading and click on the link already.
PS - I couldn't finish Batman Begins. I do however, recommend Confessions of Superhero, a documentary (surprise).
February 11, 2008
Armenian Gladiolas
I'm really bummed out because I just discovered that American Gladiators' open call casting was TWO DAYS AGO. And the deadline for video entries is in two hours. I guess that gives me a year to plot my strategy. I should start listening to American Gladiators: The Music for inspiration.I know this sounds ridiculous, but I think I really wanted to give it a shot. Two weeks ago, I thought this show was horrible. Maybe that's part of the drive? I just don't know what's gotten into me lately that's making me want to conquer the world, but it can't be bad. I wanted to be a WWF Wrestler when I was a wee lad. The problem was I stayed a wee lad for the rest of my life. But now I'm sitting here watching this new Gladiator action on TV and I just want to grab their faces and throw them. I may be developing a Napoleon Complex ("developing," they laugh). I'm just looking at everything and thinking "I can do that." I'm just not content facing off with jerks my size anymore.
Jerks like James Madison.
January 16, 2008
Three Quarters Assed Blog
I still am not publishing anything of substance, but at least this time, I'm going to provide links to things at least 75% interesting.
1. Everything you've ever wanted to know about the many variations of the Suplex.
2. Guillotine of Fire: the free 6-Song EP that my band, Plowing Mud Forever has finally released.
3. Your final chance to play the Bogglific, Facebook's Boggle knock-off, since it received its Cease and Desist order from Hasbro, Inc.
4. The Greatest Record Review Website on the Internet.
I think that's going to be it. Yeah. It is. Click on three of those and we both will have accomplished what was expected of us. Click on four and I will refuse to be responsible for how mutated your babies come out.
1. Everything you've ever wanted to know about the many variations of the Suplex.
2. Guillotine of Fire: the free 6-Song EP that my band, Plowing Mud Forever has finally released.
3. Your final chance to play the Bogglific, Facebook's Boggle knock-off, since it received its Cease and Desist order from Hasbro, Inc.
4. The Greatest Record Review Website on the Internet.
I think that's going to be it. Yeah. It is. Click on three of those and we both will have accomplished what was expected of us. Click on four and I will refuse to be responsible for how mutated your babies come out.
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