July 12, 2008

RoBeast reviews the first half of 2008

Beauty and the RoBeast. I just renewed the domain for another year. I'm amazed that we ever got this thing of ours off the ground. Not the mafia, I mean this blogsite. It was conceived somewhere between Princess Meagan's ears sometime in mid-2007, but never actually ejected from our collective finger genitals until the very last week of the year. Here we are 100+ posts later, and there have been lots of failed attempts at reoccurring features (like RoBeast's Rednesday Rhetoric), unanswered quiz questions, and empty promises. I can't even settle on how to spell RoBeast. Ro-Beast? Robeast?

Obviously it hasn't been all bad, or I wouldn't keep coming back, and more importantly, you wouldn't. Beauty and the RoBeast has touched all 50 states, and 37 countries from Japan to Iran then back to Vietnam. Of course, everyone's just looking for more Centaur and Vore porn, but we'll take what we can get. And now without further adieu, I will tie up some loose ends from the first half of Two Thousand and Eight.
  • I still have not run a marathon. Every time I run over 10 miles, I end up with a sore knee and a bruised mangina for 3 weeks. Trix from Birds and Trix is trying to convince to do a half-marathon in September though. I may give it a shot.
  • I never finished watching Batman Begins and will make no attempt to watch Batman Begins Again (or whatever the new one is called).
  • I never wrote a letter to USA asking "Why the fuck can't you show Law & Order episdoes IN ORDER?"
  • I did write letters to Chuck Creekmor of allhiphop.com and Jim DeRogatis of The Chicago Sun-Times, but I never got responses from either. Pussies.
  • We sold out and installed Google Ads, but didn't tell you to click on them because that's against Google policy. We have so far made $0.00.
  • My unintentional Vore porn debut youtube clip is up to 3500 views.
  • I did finally install a RoBeast dictionpedia sidebar over there to the right --->
  • I never came up with a satisfactory term for rolling up and down an electric car window that had a futuristic Z in it because Avery (of Terminus Est) had a suggestion that could not be topped: maximizing and minimizing the window.
  • I have to yet to install this BlogRoll thing that Blogger has been recommending for a month now.
  • I did watch Roadhouse after Jeff Healey died.
  • I did not watch Roadhouse after Patrick Swayze did not die.
  • Teh Beauty did not get sick and die. She swears.
  • I'm not "durnk" anymore, but it was exciting to wake up the next day and see "homemade saline solution" as the last thing I googled the night before.
  • The incorrectly named Prosacea continues to successfully fight the redcoats off of my faceland.
  • I still have not decided whether I'm choosing Tub Ring's The Great Filter or Battles' Mirrored as the 2007 Album of the Year.
  • Local H's 12 Angry Months is currently leading for 2008's Album of the Year, although Michelle Branch's next solo record has not yet been released.
  • I did not buy Weezer's new album. Nor did I write about their video like I promised.
  • I did buy Sarah Bareilles' album but I did not review it like I promised. So here is my review:

    Little Voice is good. "Love Song" is the most perfect pop song written in a long time and I hope Sarah Bareilles gets a million dollars for it. Because I'm cheap, I downloaded a demo version of the song before I actually bought the album. The demo version featured just piano and singing, and when I did pick up the album, there were some production decisions that disappointed me a bit. I felt the drumming on the finished track (specifically in the post-choruses) did not do justice to the potential dynamics of the song. Fewer snare hits would have made all the difference in the world. I also preferred the longer piano intro.

    Although it did not make it to #1 on the charts, "Bottle It Up" makes me do a #1 in my pants whenever I hear it. "One Sweet Love" is fantastic as well, though the muted electric guitar way back in the mix in the beginning is a little too Motivational Video for me. That was a very small complaint. This is a bigger one: I always skip "Vegas" because it feels too much like Fiona Apple. Not that I even have a problem with Fiona Apple, I just think Sarah Bareilles is more effective in her own unique style. Her voice is far from little and I am looking forward to her next album. The end.

  • The naked girls in the "Sexy Nintendo Tattoos for Geeky Girls" were 80's pop princesses:

    Tiffany WhateverTiffanysLastNameIs (duck hunt dog pubes)
    Debbie Gibson (excitebike ass)
    Carnie Wilson (fire flower nipples)
    Belinda Carlisle (tecmo bowl tramp stamp)

  • The correct international translations for Bloodsport are in bold:
Bloody Sport Ensanguined Games
Tournament of Plasma
Friendship Unbroken
Bloodsport: All Strikes Are Allowed
Bloodsport: Tanaka's Honor
Bloodsport: A True Story
Forbidden Battle
Destructive Force
Without Exclusion of Blows

Bloodsport: To The Last Man

Heroic Red Hemorrhage
The Challenge
American Ass: The Frank Dux Story
Fighting Spirit: The Frank Dux Legacy
Bloody Contact
You Are Nex
  • The Ultimate Warrior match I reviewed was not actually the entire match. Of course that's not my fault because they never released the whole match until this past week. Why they made the decision to webcast an edited version of match people paid $30 for, I'll never understand. I think it's tarded, but at least I can give you a few highlights we missed the first time around:
The Ultimate Warrior still looked exhausted for the whole match. Possibly even more so on this longer version because what was cut out was more boring out of the ring (AKA let me catch my breath) action. BUT, the two most exciting moments of the match were also present in this mysteriously "lost" footage.

The first was Orlando Jones, one of the world's only admittedly bisexual wrestlers, actually kissing the Ultimate Warrior's face.

That may look like a headbutt, butt, itt's nott. The Warrior was on his knees in the center of the ring as Orlando taunted and slapped him around a bit. He then bent down and gave the Warrior quite a few pecks on his sweaty facepaintless mug. The Warrior, who in his conservative blogs and public speaking engagements has never had anything positive to say about gays or gay rights, took it like a champ. While not entirely unexpected, this was probably the most entertaining moment of the match.

Highly unexpected was the Warrior leap from the top turnbuckle:

I'm glad that even though his knee was blown out, he still went ahead and went for a big move that he rarely even attempted when he was in his prime.

Finally, "the big speech" after match has been restored. The Warrior breaks kayfabe and speaks out of character, and in fact refers to the Warrior as "a character." You don't see this in wrestling very often. Or ever. He spoke for a few minutes (without yelling), thanking the fans, NWE, and Orlando Jones, and then promptly vacated the title.

I would've liked for this to be the original way the match was presented, instead of that bizarre edited schmozz. This version ended on a more positive, satisfying note. I still think the Warrior is finished with pro wrestling, but at least he went out with cheers from the fans that stuck around.

Have a nice.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Tub Ring! That is all...