March 23, 2012

Shameless Blog Theft

I feel douchey basing a blog entry of my own off of someone else's but since I don't post enough these days, here we are. I clicked a link on my Facebook feed this morning that lead me to Pophangover's "10 Things That Scared The Crap Out Of Us As Children." There are some good entries on there, but I wanted to respond and expand a bit.

1. Unsolved Mysteries did not scare me...

...Maury Povich did. The channel changed after Final Jeopardy and that smokey A Current Affair triangle logo and sound effect would blast at the screen. It signaled to me that sensational stories of real-life brutality were about to follow and if I didn't want to have nightmares of Robert Chambers strangling a doll in grainy slow-motion footage, I'd better leave the room.

2. The Nothing from The Neverending Story did not scare me...

...Wolfen did. And not even the wolves themselves--it was the "wolf-vision" that got me, similar to the heat-vision effect that Predator later used. The low-to-the-ground camera POV is really disorienting and you can't help but feel party to the impending slaughter.

3. The Library Ghost from Ghostbusters did not scare me...

...OK, yeah she did. Ghostbusters is my favorite movie of all time and when I first saw it in the theaters in 1984, my eyes were covered by the time they tried to "get her."

4. Tales From the Crypt did not scare me...

...Tales from the Darkside did. By the time Tales From the Crypt aired on HBO, I was ready to accept the art of horror--its suspense, plot twists, and dark humor. More importantly, I was finally over the trauma of catching the "Inside the Closet" episode of Tales from the Darkside years earlier. It seems so corny in retrospect, but as a child, I had a trapdoor in my closet and I was convinced that thing lived in there.

5. The Skeksis from The Dark Crystal did not scare me...

...Fizzgig did. When it was first introduced jumping out of its little cave displaying its multiple rows of a teeth, I freaked out. It's was like a Muppet Jaws. I've never been able to convince anyone else that Fizzgig is scary, and the clips of it being harmless and cute doesn't really help my case. I swear, terror lies behind its foam teeth and fake fur.

6. "Thriller" did not scare me...

 "In the Air Tonight" did. This barebones video with its simple special effects and dramatically lit stares of Phil Collins is extremely creepy, and the vague and mysterious lyrics leave so much to the imagination. The vocoder-laden "Well I remember..." that starts the second verse still makes the hair on my neck stand up.

7. IT didn't scare me...

...Hair did. Specifically, the song "Age of Aquarius." When I was fairly young, I caught a documentary about the 60s. When they got to talking about the Manson Family murders, that song was playing. They held a shot of a sinister summer moon, then broke for commercial. I'm pretty sure I didn't wait for the show to come back.  To me, "Age of Aquarius" is forever linked to dirty long-haired psychopaths and the death of innocence in the United States.

8. Large Marge dying didn't scare me...

... E.T. and Elliot dying did. They were both so pale and sickly at this point, it was shocking. I don't think I had ever seen a child dying depicted onscreen before this moment. And Elliot had long underwear--I had long underwear. Does that mean I could die? Speaking of Spielberg...

9. Poltergeist didn't scare me...*

...Poltergeist 2 did. The character Reverend Kane was horrifying, and I was convinced he lurked in every shadow looking for me. It didn't help that Poltergeist 2 was rated PG-13 and was on HBO during the day ALL THE TIME. Just hearing a few notes of "God is in his Holy Temple" or catching a glimpse of his black hat scared the shit out of me. At the time I was not aware the actor playing Kane, Julian Beck, died during production of the film. Had I known that, I may not have constantly feared running into him.

* Technically, I was so scared by the idea of the original Poltergeist that I never even attempted to watch it until I was big enough not to fit inside a TV. Also, the way my dad described scenes ("The wall turns into a giant vagina") was traumatizing on multiple levels.

10. Nickelodeon's Are You Afraid of the Dark? didn't scare me...

...Chocky did. This British television show aired occasionally on Nickelodeon in the late-80s. I didn't know what to make of the program, but I knew I should fear it. The intro alone combines so many elements of previous listed scare tactics--foreboding music, floating faces, weird camera filter effects, even a creepy pyramid! And apparently, Steven Spielberg owns the rights to it now. Psychological drama for children is a rarely-tapped genre, and I think Nick brave to air the show to an American audience. If only I were as brave...


From the final segment of Twilight Zone: The Movie, "Terror at 20,000 Feet." This is the reason why I require a view of the wing when I fly:

March 4, 2012

KFC 3!d tOd

Just caught the new KFC Chicken Pot Pie commercial...

Is it me or does "STUD" look like "PMS" when it's upside-down?

March 2, 2012

RPM 2012

Wow... February 2012 was the first month I didn't post a single blog. Fortunately, Teh_Beauty came out of hibernation and saved the planet!

I was pretty busy all month with this year's entry in the Record Production Month Challenge, my third time participating. I put up some YouTube videos in the early stages of songwriting, but never got around to discussing the process here. Sorry! The record's all done now, so it's too late to turn back time.

To make up for my neglect, I have decided to post all of the lyrics for the album right here, right now. I don't know if that's really a fair trade, but it kills two birds with one rock and roll. If you're interested in the album, it's a free download called After All The Worrying. Donate if you want. Here are the lyrics:

Jupiter, the King of Beers
Nuclear Pepsi Clear
The moon has 4G’s and is made of processed cheese
All the ink dripped on the page spelled liquid rage
And the writing on the wall fueled the flame
The advancing age of space taking aim
Another blowout-ending game
Fig Newtons' anti-matter
Enterprising deals from Shatner
At the bottom of the black hole, Spaghettios
Sold. Virgo Coke. Cold Pluto Cheerios.
Gold gogo in Vitro. Go.
All the crumbs dropped on the page--edible rage
And the writing on the wall fed the flame
The advancing age of space taking aim
Another blowout-ending game today
Hooray! Obey? OK!


The early bird got up at six, just before sunrise, shut off the alarm clock and
Went out to catch a big worm and cooked it with the Foreman Grill, watching her cholesterol
The other bird chilled out and snoozed for a while despite the
College kids yammering, construction crews hammering
He’ll get a can of worms later from the vending machine at work
or the gym or the bar at the lanes
Not the gas station
No, probably not, uh-uh
Well, they’re five cents cheaper so maybe it’s worth it
No, almost forgot...
The last time the damn can had expired and they wouldn’t pay him back 
Unless he filled out a long form
After all the worrying, the day went off without a hitch, nothing unusual
Most worms got eaten up, the rest went in Tupperware, and put into the fridge
3 days 'til vacation so they’ll have to eat it soon
the dishes are done, and the local team won
the lights are going out, now the birds are gonna fuck


This baby doesn’t like your face too much
umbilical cord gonna tie you up
swinging from the end of your French braid
then choking you ‘til you can’t relate
No sitting in the corner just to wait around
there's pictures of eyeballs in need of scratching out
practicing for the pee pee dance
and spiking the punch with my underpants
Go, Spidernanny, go! No, Spidernanny, no!
Suckle nipple belt buckles then beat the milk out of my ass
Come and climb diaper mountain with me
I swear it’s easy as on TV
When we get to the top I’ll give you a kiss,
With some shit in my grin and snot on my lips
Cockeyed liver dick shriveled mistress. Son of a bitch.


Johnny thanked God that Friday was over
2AM and still somehow sober
Cabs and cans discarded in the street
Darkened sky but glitter on concrete

A.S.S. Parade... start it up every other day
A.S.S. Parade... you’ve got to wait to walk away

You moved it then. Move it again.
Cut your teeth on the city’s curbjob
Save your change and argue with space hogs
Man in the mirror shuffling the sheep
Leg of lamb that Johnny just can’t sweep
Y.O.U. gotta move it for the A.S.S. Parade, now move it, baby
A is for Alternate, S is for some other shit
Sometimes it’s the Side that’s best, sometimes you slide in what’s left
I guess the other letter makes the lyrics better but
instead of one in governmental records
I choose something less akin to Chinese checkers
bouncing back and forth like the balls of Boris Becker
A racket indeed, yeah, even free parking feeds greed
No sleep ‘til sweeping...


He should be King Asshole
She’s so flexible
Older than they look carrying school books home
Clear plastic phones, promise ring, touch tone, hot pink hormones

Rick plus Deborah
Love forever
Stayed together through high school
April Fools

They would be Class Couple
Indestructible kisses on the cheek
Tearful horror weekends and cameramen
Over-privileged friends inside instead
Bridges they fall and transcend


Meat deceased won’t season their Caesar
The plant in the audience is a real crowd pleaser
Instant fun, an infamous fable
The message for son: "There’s a mess left on the table."

Yummy Mommy good
Mmm... my tummy’s full
Fold rice paper food
Origami Umami
Goblins give chase to the human racers
Opposable thumbs hold disposable razors
The roughest shit, roughage-richened
Fast for son, feast in the kitchen
Yummy Mommy good
Mmm... my belly’s full
Mold rice paper moon
Origami Umami

A phantom hawk sees fancy tomahawks
A fantasy for fans of the quick brown fox

Fox fucks folks--no film at eleven.

Stuffed fruit tart, handcuffed esposa
Die hard hearts lie on soft sofas
Tough on grease, tougher on Greasers
The next song you hear will be called "Heaters"


Your fiancée called up and asked to keep an eye on you,
So we rented a van and a non-union camera crew to find out what you do.

After a week of watching, we got you where we want you today
So don’t pretend to be shocked when we confront you to say:

"Don’t leave the heater on ‘cause heaters get hot."


I threw my guitar into the trunk
Pissed off ‘cause tonight’s show stunk
          Just your average holiday disaster
No longer one inch punch drunk
on power chords for fickle punks
          I stopped at a bar and there appeared the Master

Bruce Lee, Lee Ving -- Fists of beer and fury
We’ll beat The Big Boss’s beef baloney
Bruce Lee, Lee Ving -- Fists of beer and fury
We love living and death in the city

Qi for cheating, Jeet Kune G-String
Green Tea bagging, Fear my Little Dragon

I threw my ass back on the stage
Burned the rule book page by page
           Took my shots and damn, they went down faster
Stared into the lights and gave a quick wave
For Martial farts from that mystical sage
           Fuck Christmas to all and thank you Bruce, you bastard


Revolution less than nine
Politicians scramble to cosign your throne
Default loans. You fought Gods on the ledge...

Hello Client 9 from up there in outer space.
We'll see you out sometime but I bet it'll be another bad, no good fucking place

One dumb look, another dead and gone.
Et cetera...

The debutantes wear his white dress while the wife drowns.

Could you sit still when the cloud went by?
Would you sit back and watch them all die?
Mama, there’s no heaven so I’ll do everything that I can.

Time’s not standing still, so I’m standing up
Time’s not standing still, so I’m standing tall

Didn’t you run when they looked to you for help?
Why not search the universe inside yourself?
Mama, there’s no prophecy so I’ll do it the way I want to.

What is good? What is evil?
Not praise. Not sin.
The war, the people
Science will win.

Bring out your dead.
All your ideas are dead.

Hands of God hide façade.

(all lyrics reprinted with permission of myself ©2012)