December 28, 2014
The good people over at Officer Down Memorial Page have compiled details about in-the-line-of duty officer fatalities and since 1914 there have been an incredible overwhelming amazing and shocking number of related deaths that the left doesn't want you to know about. As it turns out, the cause of 30 fallen officers over the century were horses. We can't say this for sure, but one only has to look at the word "horse" to know that they were probably atheist liberal muslim horses that illegally crossed the border from Mexico and Africa.
We can't say this either, so here's a quote from an anonymous source inside the police force that you just have to blindly trust and add to a Facebook meme: "Horses are stealing jobs from veterans and assassinating cops on a regular basis. And the mayor isn't doing about it. Which mayor? Pick any Democrat mayor, it doesn't matter!".
Perhaps most controversial of all is the case of a policehorse named Bulb. On September 20th, 1919, Bulb threw Patrolman Christopher J. Tierney to his death while on duty in the streets of New York City. Just three years later, Patrolman Frances J. Mace was killed while riding the same exact horse. Instead of letting Bulb rot behind bars, liberals waste time pushing legislation for taxpayers to fund expensive rehabilitation programs, and look what happened. The blood of those officers is on your hands, Judge Whoever.
Even if it was spread across one hundred years, 30 DEATHS without any consideration for statistical context is still a scary high enough number for this publication to acknowledge there is a War On Cops™ and we urge you to turn your back on all horses. We know your child probably asked for a pony for Christmas and taking it back now would mean a temporary retreat in the War On Christmas™ but it is your American duty to stand your ground against all horses and their horserace-baiting civil leader Mr. Ed (or should we say, Mr. MohammED?).
Please show your support by changing your social media profile pictures to Glue until all horses are decapitated and America is taken back. And if you've gotten this far, know that the death of even a single officer is not being taken lightly, just the paranoid fear-mongering reactions to them.
November 30, 2014
October 9, 2014
But there is a third, very subtle mistake on this menu. (OK, a fourth if you think "NJ,07306" looks a bit cramped.) No, it's not the fax number, the business hours, the credit cards accepted, or the URL. And sure, those are all likely stock photos of Italian restaurant offerings, but I'm sure what Pizza Express cooks up isn't that far off.
I'm talking about the computer with the little Italian flag-colored logo and the pleasant slice of cheese pizza stretched across its screen. That's a great touch and shows me that they're technologically current, but what it doesn't show me is Pizza Express' website. Not only is not Pizza Express' website, it's a rival pizza company's website.
Villa Pizza is a NYC-based pizza franchise that also has a location in Jersey City, less than a mile away from Pizza Express. I can't imagine giving a competitor free ad space is good for business. If this happened on The Apprentice, Donald Trump would most certainly be firing whoever red white & green-lit this choice.
I'm so curious as to how this made it to print that I did some investigating (though not that much because it turns out I'm not really that curious). Pizza Express' menu is made by Menus For Less, which prints menus and other things for businesses. They do custom designs and also have lots of templates. I checked out the Pizza Menu and Italian Menu templates and saw a lot of similar designs, but no exact matches, so it was either a custom job, or a template that is now discontinued because of the computer graphic goof.
I wanted to check Villa Pizza's menu out to see if maybe Pizza Express just copied it and forgot to clean up that detail. I don't think that's the case though. The scan of Villa Pizza's menu that I found online is six years old and it's made by a completely different menu printing company called Menu Mo'n.
Menu Mo'n's website has many typos and grammatical errors on their website. I don't say this to make fun of them, I say this because this sort of supports the idea that maybe the printers aren't any more qualified to proofread than the customers that hire them. Menus For Less' website is in much better shape. I can't deny I saw a couple tiny mistakes, but nothing nearly as glaring as the mistakes on the cover of Pizza Express' menu. Maybe printers simply waive all accountability and say "Hey, we just print what you give us."
What I do know is that on Pizza Express' website, they display every page of their full-color menu--except the front page. Not that there aren't mistakes on the other pages ("Vegeatables"--I'm lookin' at you), but I'm guessing someone pointed out the Villa Pizza computer takeover and it was deemed important enough to take action. I feel bad if it was not their mistake, and if that's the case I hope they got a discount. If it was their mistake, I think they may have learned their lesson. Either way I'll probably give them a try sometime, and as a bonus, I won't proofread this post so they can point out my mistakes.
September 21, 2014
Over on the General Mills Stage, you'll find the hard-rockin' Buzz. I'm not talking about the guitarist from the Melvins... I mean the cartoon honey bee that is always spiking your plain old Cheerios with mind-altering honey.
And in the center of it all is a hexagonal electronic drum pad. It's a very clever honeycomb reference, to be honest, and if they ever make a commercial out of this, I hope they pay homage to the milk-filled snare of the J. Geils Band. Personally, I love this cereal and eat a box of it every few weeks, so I think it's time to abandon the kid-targeted advertising and aim directly for folks my age and up who can't look at "Rockin' with the POWER of OATS" without filling in the blanks:
A heart healthy diet? John Oates can go for that.
August 19, 2014
Helping the shoeless? Telling everyone they're a winner?? Letting pink-haired Feminazis train with men??? Consorting with the Japanese, Canadians, and worst of all, people from FR-ANTS when there are able-bodied out of work Veterans all around us???? WAKE UP AMERICA...THIS LIBERAL QUAKER FREAK IS POISONING YOUR BREAKFAST AND YOUR MINDS.
Look at the kid on the left with the Hitler mustache... that will be YOUR CHILD if this Leftist rainbow Crunchberry curriculum flourishes any longer. Write to your Senators NOW and get this cock-eyed Commie deported back to Russia!
July 29, 2014
This is the image change that John Cena desperately needs. As a bonus, it will come with a RoBeast Rollie-designed wraparound T-shirt graphic. WWE, you can send the merch checks directly here. My time is MEOW.
July 18, 2014
I'll still post here whenever I see something ridiculous at the grocery store or... I don't know what else, that's about all I do here now. Here's other stuff I do:
ALTERNATE SIDE PARKING
Actually, I don't really alternate side park anymore. That will be my next stop on the disappointment train.
June 23, 2014
May 5, 2014
April 2014 represented an unfortunate milestone in BeautyAndTheRoBeast history. It was the first time since its inception December 2007 that a month went by with no post. There are a number of reasons--computer problems, original content being too spread thin over Facebook/Twitter/YouTube, too many trips to the Cheesecake Factory--but they're all just excuses. It's no secret that there's been a steady decline in content here over the years (a quick view of the stats over on the right shows that), but this full month lapse was something I thought would never happen. Sorry, faithful readers.
Now the good news...
All those trips to the Cheesecake Factory are generating the first post here in over a month.
I really had no intention of going to that restaurant so many times, but the RoBeastress and I just happened to be hungry and in the same mall three weeks in a row. There was also no wait which appeals to my deepest dining emotions.
I'm not sure that I'd ever been to one before and was shocked by the size of the menu. Sure, half of it is advertisements (ridiculous), but there's also a lot on it. The portions are also gigantic so it wasn't until the third trip that I actually had enough room in my body to fit a slice of cheesecake. The first time we shared an appetizer and each had an entree. The second time, just an entree. On the third trip we realized the only way we could get our intesteyes on the prize was to split a small appetizer and go right to the cheesecake page.
There are quite a few cheesecakes to choose from, but most amazing to me are the cheesecakes that feature multiple ingredients. It's not interesting because of the potentially delicious combinations--it's because there's a cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory that has two products from competing corporations all on the same slice.
Sure, there are a plenty of solo works--the Oreo® Dream Extreme Cheesecake, the Hershey®'s Chocolate Bar Cheesecake, the Godiva® Chocolate Cheesecake, and of course the Reese's® Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake Cheesecake which features the word "cake" twice in its name--but take a look at this:
Adam's Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple
Creamy Cheesecake Swirled with Caramel, Peanut Butter, Butterfingers® and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups®
Butterfinger is owned by Nestlé and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are owned by Hershey's. This is probably mindblowing only to me, but I think it's fascinating that these two competing companies are able to co-exist on a single menu item.
I know what you're saying--"Uhh...you can go into any ice cream shop and get whatever toppings you want even if they are from competing companies." Yes, that's true. But those companies don't exactly want you choosing their competitors. Sure, Mars will let you throw some Reese's Pieces next to their M&M's on your banana split because it's a free country, but they would much prefer those Reese's Pieces to rot a mile underground in a New Mexico desert. They will do what they can to make sure you choose them over the other. But on the Adam's slice of Cheesecake, a Butterfinger and a Reese's Cup are a package deal. They're advertised together and you're giving money to both companies.
I can't imagine Nestlé andHershey's got together one day and said "Let's form an alliance over at Cheesecake Factory." It's more likely that some dude at Cheesecake Factory named Adam was all "People seem to be into this peanut butter and chocolate mess" and then had to call up Nestlé and Hershey's to see if it was OK with them. Nestlé didn't care because they don't have anything else on the menu, but Hershey's decided to make a power play: "Fine, but you have to put something with Hershey's higher on the menu than something with Oreos or Godiva in it."
Godiva was just happy to be on the menu in the US, so Adam didn't even call them. The call to Nabisco was going to be dreadful though. He waited all week to make it. Adam finally got on the horn and said "Listen, I'm in a real pickle. I gotta bump your Oreo® Dream Extreme Cheesecake down below Hershey's on the Cheesecake page."
Nabisco said "Hold up, lemme make a quick call" then looked up the phone number for Cadbury in its Mondelēz International internal phone directory. "Why do I have Hershey starting shit with us over at the Cheesecake Factory?"
Cadbury said "WTF? I thought we were pals with Hershey. They make all our chocolate in the United States."
"It must be an ego thing. Two can play that game," said Nabisco, then called Adam back. "Fuck no. Oreo will not be below Hershey's."
Adam knew this would be a possibility so he said "How about this... I'll let you put your whole logo on there instead of just the word 'Oreo.'"
Nabisco said "You're god damned right you are, but that's just for bothering us at the end of the fucking day on a Friday. We will still not allow the Oreo® Dream Extreme Cheesecake to be below that Hershey®'s Chocolate Cake bullshit," then hung up.
Adam was at a loss. He was already in trouble for screwing around on the Factory floor and this Peanut Butter Fudge Cheesecake was going to save his job. People were eating it up, but he knew he'd get so much more attention with some registered trademark symbols in the description. He had to come up with something.
On Monday he called Nabisco. "Listen, I've figured out a loophole." Silence, but no dial tone. This was progress. "You get the logo."
"Oreo® Dream Extreme Cheesecake will be above Hershey®'s Chocolate Bar Cheesecake."
"And you guys own Honey Maid graham crackers, right?"
"I'll make something a S'mores thing with your crackers and Hershey's chocolate and put it at the top of the menu just below our original cheesecakes. Hershey's name will be in the description, but not in the name of the cheesecake. And I'll throw in a line about 25 cents from each sale goes to starving kids or something--people won't even notice the word 'Hershey.'"
And? What did they mean 'And?' Adam thought to himself. Was all that not enough?
"And... uh... we won't sell it anywhere outside the country. The Oreo logo will always be first in the Middle East and anywhere we expand!"
"It's a deal."
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the leopard got its spots.
March 20, 2014
I was drawn to it not just because of its enigmatic function, but because of the unusual choices for the artwork panels. All four sides feature familiar Star Wars' moments, but they're seen through the rare perspective of the villain. Han appears at both ends of his character spectrum--vulnerable and frozen in carbonite, and cocky in the Cantina. But is Boba Fett simply admiring his handiwork, or is the bounty hunter entranced by Han's inescapable sadness? Are Greedo's wide eyes a hint that he's about to act out of rage, or is he just reacting to a unexpected attack from the scheming scoundrel?
The Darth Vader/Luke Skywalker is pretty much the centerpiece of the entire series, so there's nothing new to explore there, but the Stormtrooper likely about to be gunned down by a pile of blaster-toting members of the rebel alliance? I feel for him. Just look at his frown!
This is truly the saddest basket or tote or whatever it is I've ever seen. I wonder how many tears it can carry.
March 12, 2014
March 11, 2014
March 10, 2014
February 27, 2014
January 31, 2014
I ended up looping the rope around my hand a few times just to keep the bag from dragging on the ground. Look at the ridiculous size of that rope! If it were a little shorter, I think all problems would be solved.
January 21, 2014
January 3, 2014
Less poetic, but still more efficient than "If You See Something, Say Something."
(Also, if you suspect this photo is sideways, report it to The Blogger mobile app team. I have rotated it in every direction, and that's the only way this thing will publish it.)