May 30, 2008

Not speechless

I just don't have time right now to talk about Weezer's new "Pork and Beans" video.


May 29, 2008

Finally, The Rock has come back to New York?

On the way back from Providence this weekend, I saw a billboard announcing a brand new rock radio station in New York City. I've been bitching for years and years about how boring this radio market has been and how ashamed it should be for it's lack of competition. This is one of the largest markets in the whole god damned universe, and it only has 1 current rock station, 1 classic rock station, and 1 oldies station. And they just keep playing the same shit over and over driving millions of New Yorkers to their portable media storage devices.

The radio used to be a cool place to discover new music, but now it's just the place to go when you want to make sure you can still hear Sublime or Linkin Park every single hour. Or if you're in Philly, you can hear Pearl Jam every 5 minutes. But at least Philly has two rock stations. And so does Boston (at least it did when I was last paying attention in the early '00's).

Finally, someone has heard my cry and fired everyone at CD 101.9 (the smooth jazz station) and started restocking with some people that know a thing or two about rock. It's apparently been around since February, but no one told me until this past weekend. I've been glued to it in the car ever since. (All right, I was until I bought all those new CD's yesterday--sue me). The station is called WRXP--the Rock Experience--and has a ton of variety and not a lot of talking. A quick scan of public opinion on the internet and I see some complain it is too much variety to sound like a cohesive station. Sure, after years of a stalwart like KRock (WXRK)'s formula, I can see that if Audioslave doesn't follow Rage Against the Machine, someone's going to get suspicious.
So tonight I've decided to run a little experiment and see if this RXP is going to give KRock a run for its money (and hopefully, a kick in its ass). I will be monitoring all three stations at once, but only truely listening to one at a time. When I song I like or am interested in comes on, that station gets points for the duration of the track, and first crack at the next set of points. I may be aware that another good song is on another station, but I'm not going to switch unless I'm bored with the current one. Since RXP throws in a lot of classic alternative, I've decided to add the classic rock station Q104.3 (WAXQ) to the fray. 104.3 plays a lot of what's considered modern classic nowadays anyway, so I won't be surprised if all three of these stations end up playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or "Under the Bridge" simultaneously.

8:00 PM
WAXQ - Some shit by Led Zeppelin
WRXP - "People are People" - Depeche Mode
WXRK - "Fell on Black Days" - Soundgarden
Easy one. I will never tire of that song.

8:06 PM
WAXQ - Still Led Zzzzzzzzz
WRXP - Talkset... "Salute Your Solution" - The Rancoteurs
WXRK - "Paralyzer" - Finger 11
Though I'm not exactly a Rancoteurs fan, I tend to not trust anything relatively new that KRock plays.

8:10 PM
WAXQ - "Misty Mountain Hop" - Fucking Led Zeppelin Again
WRXP - "Runnin' With the Devil" - Van Halen
WXRK - "Janie's Got a Gun" - Aerosmith
Ok, either it's a Led Zeppelin block, or 104.3 does this every night, which sort of throws my results off.

8:13 PM
WAXQ - Still getting the Led out.
WRXP - "Get Off This" - Cracker
WXRK - Still Aerosmith
RXP actually just let that Cracker completely fade out without interruption by a douchebag DJ. Whether it's out of inexperience, or out of respect, I am extremely impressed by this.

8:18 PM
WAXQ - Commercials
WRXP - "Need You Tonight" - INXS
WXRK - Talkset... Commercials
I am very active radio listener, and I refuse to stop for commercials. I will not hesitate to keep switching until I hear music (and sometimes that includes jingles).

8:21 PM
WAXQ - "Beast of Burden" - The Rolling Stones
WRXP - Commercials
WXRK - Commercials

8:24 PM
WAXQ - Still The Rolling Stones
WRXP - Commercials
WXRK - "One" - U2
I can really only stand about 3 minutes of The Rolling Stones.

8:30 PM
WAXQ - "Bad to the Bone" - George Thorogood
WRXP - "Don't Look Back" - Boston
WXRK - "Rise Above This" - SeetherIn all honesty, this is the point where I would have completely shut the radio off, but I'll give George a shot in hopes that the song is almost over. Plus I think The Destroyers is one of the coolest band names ever.

8:31 PM
WAXQ - Still Thorogood
WRXP - "Don't Look Back" - Boston
WXRK - "Rise Above This" - Seether
I realize Georgie is only on his 15th solo and flip away.

8:33 PM
WAXQ - "Casey Jones" - Grateful Dead
WRXP - still Boston
WXRK - "Everlong" - Foo Fighters
Can't stand any more Boston either.

8:37 PM
WAXQ - "Casey Jones" - Grateful Dead
WRXP - "Slave to Love" - Bryan Ferry
WXRK - "All My Love" - Led Zeppelin
Ok, I admit I'm a pussy. I like this Led Zeppelin song. And I even sit through the keyboard solo. And the bridge. And the key change...

8:42 PM
WAXQ - "Freewill" - Rush
WRXP - "Runaway Train" - Soul Asylum
WXRK - "One" - Metallica
If I were in my car, I'd be playing fierce air drums.

8:50 PM
WAXQ - "Touch Me" - The Doors
WRXP - "One Tree Hill" - U2
WXRK - Commercials
Woozy from all the rocking out, The KRock guy easily tricked me with a short talkset that went immediately into a commercial, but I quickly recovered in time for one of my favorite Doors songs.

8:53 PM
WAXQ - "Don't You" - Simple Minds
WRXP - "Strawberry Fields Forever" - The Beatles
WXRK - Commercials
This was a case where I probably do like The Beatles song better, but saw no reason to switch off Simple Minds.

8:57 PM
WAXQ - "Layla" - Derek & The Dominos (I prefer the second half)
WRXP - No idea what is on. A lot of fucking noise.
WXRK - "When I Come Around" - Green Day
I may be tired of Green Day being on the radio, but I prefer the long coda of "Layla" to the fast first half.

9:00 PM
WAXQ - Still "Layla"
WRXP - "Laid" - James
WXRK - "Interstate Love Song" - Stone Temple Pilots
"Layla" still wasn't at the good part.

9:03 PM
WAXQ - "Losing My Religion" - REM
WRXP - "Gasoline" - Sheryl Crow
WXRK - "Runnin' With the Devil" - Van Halen
Sorry, just heard "Runnin' With the Tent Poles" an hour ago on RXP.

9:08 PM
WAXQ - "Long Cool Woman" - Hollies
WRXP - "Starman" - David Bowie
WXRK -"Discipline" - Nine Inch Nails
Another moment when I would have just shut this production down. I flip until something good comes on. Therefore, no winners.

9:11 PM
WAXQ - "Jump" - Van Halen
WRXP - "Starman" - David Bowie
WXRK - "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" - Aerosmith

9:15 PM
WAXQ - Talkset... Commercials
WRXP - "Dig In" - Lenny Kravitz
WXRK - Talkset... Commercials
I'd rather listen to Carol Miller's smoky talkset than this Schwenker douche on KRock. I would also rather eat my own shit than listen to Lenny Kravitz on purpose.

9:16 PM
WAXQ - Commercials
WRXP - "You Got Lucky" - Tom Petty
WXRK - Commercials
Another near silent fadeout. Unheard of.

9:19 PM
WAXQ - "Bron-y-aur Stomp" - Led Zeppelin
WRXP - "Man-sized Wreath" - REM
WXRK - Commecials
Eh, new REM. A very weird track. A lot of dissonance in some parts, but a lot of nice harmonies in others. And short enough to listen to the whole thing.

9:22 PM
WAXQ - "Brain Damage/Eclipse" - Pink Floyd
WRXP - "Basket Case" - Green Day
WXRK - "On A Plain" - Nirvana
It's cute when KRock pulls out what it thinks is a Deep Cut. I really can't get enough of "On A Plain" though.

9:25 PM
WAXQ - Hour 3 of "Brain Damage/Eclipse" - Pink Floyd
WRXP - "How Many More Times" - Led Zeppelin
WXRK - "Beds are Burning" - Midnight Oil
How is KRock is winning this contest?

9:30 PM
WAXQ - "Locomotive Breath" - Jethro Tull
WRXP - "How Many More Times" - Led Zeppelin
WXRK - "Life is Beautiful" - Sixx A.M.
I start picking my nose and hope Led Zep is almost over. Please end soon. Please. Please. Oh my god. Who could possibly sit through a Led Zeppelin concert without assassinating Jimmy Page?

9:33 PM
WAXQ - "Time Of Your Life" - Green Day
WRXP - "Somebody Told Me" - The Killers
WXRK - "Iron Man" - Black Sabbath
Oh hell no. I didn't just sit through three minutes of Led Zeppelin live to hear the fucking Killers? I wish The Destroyers would fight The Killers to death.

9:39 PM
WAXQ - "Jailbreak" - Thin Lizzy
WRXP - "Message of Love" - The Pretenders
WXRK - "Self Esteem" - The Offspring
Unfortunately, just catching the end of the Pretenders' tune... which they again let fully fade out!

9:40 PM
WAXQ - "Rock and Roll All Nite" - Kiss
WRXP - "Dani California" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
WXRK - "Self Esteem" - The Offspring
I can handle "Rock and Roll All Nite" only for as many choruses as it takes for a different station to put a better song on.

9:44 PM
WAXQ - Talkset... Commercials
WRXP - "Dani California" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
WXRK - Talkset... Commercials
Nothing better came on, but oooh, 75 degrees tomorrow!
9:46 PM
WAXQ - "Night of a Thousand Stars" Phil Lesh and Friends
WRXP - "Closer to Free" - Bodeans
WXRK - Commercials
Where do I know this song? Is this a TV Theme song? (Ok, I had to look it up.) It's fucking Party of Five.

9:49 PM
WAXQ - Commercials
WRXP - "Foxey Lady" - Jimi Hendrix
WAXQ - "Night of a Thousand Stars" Phil Lesh and Friends
If I didn't have the Internet in front of me for this experiment, I would have spent the next two hours not listening to radio and instead still trying to figure out where I knew that Bodeans song from.

9:50 PM
WAXQ - "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" - Creedence Clearwater Revival
WRXP - "Foxey Lady" - Jimi Hendrix
WXRK - "Learn to Fly" - Foo Fighters
"Foxey Lady" is one Jimi Hendrix song that I am totally sick of hearing.

9:54 PM
WAXQ - "Time of the Season" - The Zombies
WRXP - Commercials
WXRK - "Patience" - Guns N' Roses
Whenever I hear "Patience" or "Civil War" or "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" I immediately jump off the train.

9:57 PM
WAXQ - "Going to California" - Led Zeppelin
WRXP - "Time To Pretend" - Mgmt
WXRK - "Patience" - Guns N' Roses
Ok, Ok! There are like 3 or 4 Led Zeppelin songs I like. There are another 3 maybe that I can stand on a good day. This is one that I can stand. Plus, Mgmt are from Brooklyn and therefore, too hip for me.

10:00 PM

In my very unscientific survey, I've discovered that KRock has really got a hold on me. Still. In two hours of programming, I listened to KRock for nearly an hour (53), and both Q104 (31) and RXP (34) for just over a half hour each. The number of different songs I listened to each station is remarkably close, but the ones on KRock were often in the 5- to 6- (and in the case of Metallica, 8-) minute range while the other stations were most frequently only 3 minutes. When it comes to talksets, I'm personally biased against the KRock jocks and will almost always automatically change. The folks over at RXP are not terribly energetic or big-voiced, but at least they sound like they care about what they're playing. The DJ's on 104.3 are typically trustworthy sounding adults, and therefore, I believe them when they tell me the weather report.

Again, this survey was extremely unscientific. First, it was apparently 104.3's time to bombard us with copious amounts of Led Zeppelin, of which I am not a fan. Granted, all the stations played Led Zeppelin, but certainly not with the ferocity of 104.3. Second, I listened to the three stations online for convenience sake, so they may not have been operating with the same realtime delay. A few seconds here or there could have made a huge difference in my selections. Also, I limited my pool to only three different stations operating out of NYC and competing in an overlapping format, but in practice, I expand my choices to include a Commercial-Free College Metal station, an Oldies station, a top 40 piece of crap (that yes, I still find myself occasionally listening to) and a smaller AAA station that's located a little further west. The time of day, my mood, what I've already listened to today... all these things factor into my station flipping habits, and believe me, I'm a really impatient member of the radio audience. When my mp3 is working (which it is not), I don't even put on the radio for a second. I've even regressed back to the barbaric use of Compact Discs just to avoid today's commercial radio market.

Regardless of how inapplicable my fact-finding mission has been to the rest of the world, it can not be argued that more competition means more choices and more music. Ok, maybe it just means more fucking Led Zeppelin per hour. Either way, I hope the new kid on the block forces these other lazy stations to get off their asses and stop sucking up to 14 and 54 year old boys.

May 28, 2008

Google Image Therapy

Do you know what you get when you google image rip Voltron's Penis?

Do you? DO YOU?

I do.

You're out of touch. I'm out of time. For realz. That's the last I'll ever mention that. Never again. Bon voyage!

May 27, 2008

Well I'll be damned...

I accidentally liked a Rolling Stones song. Well, most of it.

On my day off, I decided to attempt Used CD shoppin' at Academy Records again. Being Tuesday morning, and not Sunday afternoon, things went a lot smootherly. Not as many looney tunes in the store this time, so I got to actually explore the racks.

For those keeping score, I picked up (and I'll be hotlinking every one of these because I don't have time for this shit):

I bought The Sopranos soundtrack knowing that I've heard every song on it, but without really knowing which song is which. I could be wrong, but I don't believe they credit any of the music in the credits of the show. For the most part, I like the music on the show, but every once in a while, a particular track fits so amazingly well that I get an HBOner. The "Every Breath You Take/Theme From Peter Gunn" mash-up is one of those moments. Dominic Chianese singing "Core 'ngrato" at the end of Season 3 is fantastic too. Obviously "Don't Stop Believing" in the last scene of the last episode is epic. Tony singing just one line of Buddy Holly's "Maybe Baby" on his way out of Dr. Melfi's is enough to get me going.

One particularly sombre moment is at the end of Season 2. It's a very long, slow montage, with an equally long, slow guitar track playing. Coupled with the gritty and haunting vocal, it puts to a rest a torturous and introspective season. The song gets stuck in my head quite often, but I've never known who it was. I picked up the Peppers and Eggs set today hoping that the song would be on there. At the end of the first disc, I was finally greeted with the track. I looked at the back of the jewel case and... The Rolling Stones? How the fuck could that have gotten past my radar?

I'll tell you how--Keith Richards sings the song. I don't think I'd ever heard him sing before. I'm still a little dumbfounded because it's good. Now I'm no Jagger fan. I'm not even a Rolling Stones fan, but this is good stuff. I even like the other Keith Richards track on the album. Fuck, do I actually like Keith Richards? Most Rolling Stones shtuff is too repetitive for me, but this is nice. Maybe they should do more soundtrack work.

Here is the scene:

Don't Stop Baleetin'

May 23, 2008

Strange Days Indeed

The Ultimate Warrior was my favorite WWF wrestler back in the day. I just loved the fact that he ran everywhere grunting and flailing. Anything that he encountered, he lifted up over his head and threw or shook violently. Sure, he had no technical wrestling skills whatsoever... but I was totally into his animalistic abandon. And face paint, of course. He was the Robeast I always wanted to be.

And then he disappeared back to Parts Unknown for a decade or so, occasionally showing up in a federation, only to mysteriously leave again due to contract disputes, allegedly (not exactly part of the Warrior mystique). He traded the arm bands for a suit and tie (and a dictionary). He now preaches politics and morals more intensely than Hulk Hogan and his simple demandments. His blogs are dense and infuriating. He is a thickly-sliced beacon of Conservatism, drumming up a unique share of controversy. You either hate his guts because of what he's saying or defend him to the end. Many more just roll their eyes and dismiss his nutty rants.

I listen, but hear nothing he has to say. I look at him and still only see the face paint and the yelling and the lightning bolts and the squash matches. Sorry, Warrior, but I can't help it. I know he's dedicating his life to being more than two-dimensional, but my weak mind still refuses to process that. He's taken lots of slanderous hits over the years from former colleagues, bosses, and fans. How many people can say they've had a 2-hour DVD dedicated to having their name dragged in the mud? Sure, he's got a big fucking mouth, and sometimes he needs the world to announce that they see his foot in it, but I think he's far from a laughingstock. Like I said though, I don't care what he's saying. I don't want to hear anything he says unless it's "I'm returning to the ring." And now it's finally happening.

He's going to have a match in Barcelona in just over a month for the NWE Federation. And the Warrior web-presence is at an all-time high. He's posting videos. He's answering your questions. He's writing a book. He's making a documentary. He's blogging. He's fucking Twittering. And of course, he's training. I don't know what to expect, but I know during this month-long vamp, he's continuing to test my loyalty with these bizarre Q&A sessions...

I'll tell you what... I'm still on board. He has such an uncomfortable sense of humor that I can't help but watch. Is it the train wreck phenomenon? I don't know. I'm not one to be attracted to downward spirals. The Lohans and The Spearseses of the world... I actually feel bad for them, and not in a patronizing way. I guess I just root for the underdogs and wounded birds. I'll be watching that match, and even if it sucks, I'm still going to say it was awesome.

By the way, "Strange Days Indeed" = "Eight Days a Week."

May 21, 2008

American Idol 2008 Finale Live Blog

Where, O Where is the Beauty? She wanted to do a blog-duel, and right now is the time!

Unfortunately, it's just me here right now because we didn't plan this. I was just out getting some pizza and they had American Idol on the televisor. So I figured, eh, maybe this is a good idea. I'm coming into this knowing nothing except that this is the final episode of the season, and lots of people will be watching. I don't watch this crap. It's soulless manufacturing of two-dimensional talent. Stupid America.

Right now, Seal is singing with some broad and they are both sucking. Her voice blows, and I don't think he practiced. I do not believe this crowd has been so moved as to applaud.

Commercials. As opposed to the commercials during the actual broadcast. I'm going to talk about pizza now. I decided tonight to go North for pizza instead of the usual East. I can get to probably a dozen pizza places within 1,000 steps. Well, it seems we can now count one less. 3 Boys' From Italy (their apostrophication, not mine) was closed, possibly for good (oh no, their website is gone!)? So I had to go to the place next door instead. Frankie's. Two giant slices for next to nothing.

I just talked about pizza while a dude with dreadlocks sang a song. I guess it was all right. Who cares though? There are chicks singing now. Some chick that looks like Kelly Osbourne also looks like a zombie. She's dancing like shit because she probably doesn't care. Neither do I. Her voice is pretty obnoxious. The one with the sleeve tattoo seemed to be decent. Maybe it's just because she's the only one wearing black stockings. And has tattoos. And hoop earrings. I wonder how far she got.

I'm embarrassed to be watching this. I would prefer to be able to answer the inevitable water-cooler question tomorrow with "No, I didn't watch that shit." I don't even know why I'm doing this.

I remembered why I'm doing this. It's because I decided today to retire from online Scrabble playing. I was playing a very close game, a game that I had in the bag. I talked out my final moves in the chat box to Jamie, my Internet Nemesis and prepared myself for inevitable victory, a failing strategy that we've seen in the final scenes of many action and horror films. Here I was, Hans Gruber, telling Detective John McClain exactly how I was going to kill him, while he sat back laughing, gun gift-wrapped to his (her) back. And then.... and then... and then... I put down the wrong tiles, and promptly fell off the skyscraper.

Realizing my error, I flirted with a resignation. I couldn't do it though, and let her fair victory. Then I played the most furious game of Scrabble on my cell phone against the computer player. I scored the highest points of my life - 519. I call this passionate feat a Scrabble Hate-Fuck.

Are Bryan Adams and Ryan Seacrest going to hook up after the show?

Nice wallet chain, tough guy. He must roll with the Sharks.

More like ZZ STOP! That's probably a Mark Prindle joke. He's my American Idol.

Ok now a blond chick (they should really be wearing name tags) is singing with Nash. Except for the high notes, the performance is adequate. I like that they're making this punk kids play guitar too. And I love that she's performing barefoot, just like her American Idol.... HENRY ROLLINS.
Who are these pussies? I wonder how many times they've cut their dicks on braces.

I've finally caught up with The Beauty! And I've also finally been entertained by a performance!

the Robeast: this guy rules
Beauty and: it's like bobby trendy threw up all over him
the Robeast: he was singing on key until the band started
the Robeast: they are sabotaging him out of jealousy
the Robeast: is this a real song?
Beauty and: I can't tell
Beauty and: is this the super bowl?
Beauty and: a parade?
Beauty and: a pep rally of suck?
the Robeast: Aw... why did they cut him off? He should've gotten one last chorus solo
Beauty and: you are a sick man

Shit. I can't get this melody out of my head. I'm going to watch this clip while this douche plays piano.

I don't care if I have a super late pass here, but this dude knows how to craft a melody. I need this on mp3.

Wait, this chick won last year? Was that the last time she used her vocal chords?

I'm barely paying attention anymore. I'm just sitting here trying to think of a way to describe last year's winner's thin vocals. I'm sorry I tricked my co-blogger into watching this.

Carrie Underwood is lurching around the stage. Is her Southern accent real? Did she write this song herself? Did I just see her vajeen? Do I have anything to drink in the refrigerator?

I will be your Creature Feature.

That one dude has a very Herman Munster-esque head. He'll win because he's probably old enough to remember the Risky Business scene he's parodying in that Guitar Hero commercial. Oh shit, everyone's lurching again! Bad American Posture!

All of God's children crapped out the back door?

Why is George Michael singing a 15-minute song? And thank you Ryan Seacrest for pointing out that he is now known as GM. GM2000. xxxGMxxx. GM.COM. GMST5K. G-M-I-STILL WATCHING THIS BULLSTUFF?

Shouldn't this be over by now? I feel like I didn't even hear the two potential winners sing. Not that I was going to vote, but at least I'd like to make fun of them some more.

The Robeast: which one won?
Beauty and: it's hard to tell
Beauty and: apparently the cryer
Beauty and: he has shave and style Ken facial hair
Beauty and: this sounds like
Beauty and: christian rock
Beauty and: jeezus dude I get it
Beauty and: this IS
Beauty and: the TIME
Beauty and: of his LIFE
Beauty and: who sweeps the confetti in the end? who?
The Robeast: me
Beauty and: write ur discontent
Beauty and: for each sweet piece
Beauty and: of shredded dreams
Beauty and: the confetti is made out of
Beauty and: that is what they make it out of
The Robeast: the confetti is made out of the record contracts of the past winners
Beauty and: finally they're free and a new sacrificial lamb has taken up the mantle

Onward Virgin Soldier!
David, Toss Your Soft Rock at Goliath!
You were Once but a Mere Mortal
Now you are... A King!

More like ACHING (my ears).

Players only love you when they're playing.

I think Rollie and I broke ourselves last week with the constant and nonstop posting. From overkill to nary a peep, that's just how we roll. We're unpredictable! We're lazy! We're full of various and assorted flavors of bullshit! And unnecessary explanation marks!!! It takes me a while to formulate my thoughts and weave them ever so lovingly into a ugly yet cozy afghan of scorn and pop culture and romance for you. It takes even longer when I am nursing a broken heart.

Of course, I am nursing a broken heart yet AGAIN. As a result, I am barely functional and limping along here and continually cruising FAIL blog and GoFugYourself because looking at other people's fashion nightmares and general FAILures is comforting. It makes me feel like I am not alone in my own romantic FAIL. You know there's a reason the Princess looks so sad up there on the banner. Ponder my frowny face and tragic airs whilst you watch this video that explains and illustrates through the magic of both Voltron and Amy Winehouse how sometimes...Keith can be a total douche.

May 16, 2008

Allura Sextape

Speaking of masturbation fodder, and I often do, I bring you one final gift this glorious Friday. It's one final wank to end the week on...the legend of the Princess who lost her top.

You're welcome cartoon perverts. You're welcome.

The Incredible Hulk Vs. The World

Alan over at The Daily Speed Hump mentioned something about seeing the new Hulk movie trailer. He said the Hulk looks like Shrek, something I had never put together before. I was inspired to riff on that and imagine that the Incredible Hulk would not be happy about such comparisons. And so here we are at RoBeast Rollie's third MS Paint adventure of the week.

The Incredible Hulk would easily squash Shrek in the palm of his hand and eat his guts like a Pez dispenser. I'm not a real comic book fan, so I don't know if Hulk is into eating his victims after he mangles them. The Jolly Green Giant I imagine might taste good though (if you're into Veggie Burgers).

One thing I do know about comic books is that Leonardo is the Ninja Turtle (the Blue one) that carries the Katana Blades. I don't think the Hulk is very adept at martial arts, but how hard could it really be to kill a few of the Slowski's with a sharp object?

Not very.

And so ends the Hulk's Green-on-Green Crime. Green with envy some may say (I wouldn't say it too loudly though). There is nothing left for him to do but declare victory against the Inedible Hunk (of Peas).

The end (of RoBeast Rollie's posting this week).

May 15, 2008

Transmissions and Emissions from the Blue Lion

Last night I, of course, I parked my shit outdoors like a dumbass. Of course, we had a tornado warning and hail the size of golf balls that broke windows as I masturbated furiously in a gloriously violent crescendo in tempo with the teeth of the storm. Wha? Until my passion broke with the windows and glass sprayed everywhere. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Never mind. That shit broke windows. Sexy windows! I was titillated and terrified. It was great. As a consequence, I couldn't sleep until 3am. Up, aware, and tingly until 3am. Sounds like it's time for more news chunklets. Just some facts. Nuggets of trivia and stories that caught my eye as I gamboled o'er the signals.

The Apocalypse is Nigh.

The earth is just swallowing up parts of TX, willy nilly. It is the curse of GW & his kin upon my state. Residents are calling the disaster Sinko de Mayo.

"It’s unreal — the earth just wallered up,” said Lynn Wells, the mayor and fire chief, who monitored emergency efforts, speeding back and forth on his red Harley-Davidson.

I think the wallered up + the red Harley-Davidson really send this over the top for me. The sinkholes are caused by the oil industry drinking your milkshake right up and shitting it back out into your groundwater. Just more proof the earth hates us and wants to wipe us off its face.

ps. Contrary to popular belief, GW is not from Texas. He is a Y*nkee carpetbagger of the worst sort from f*cking Connecticut! Texas does not claim him.

Not even the skies are safe!
FLOGOS. Flying cloud-shaped logos that are environmentally sound. Made out of helium and a proprietary soap formula, they can travel 20-30 miles and go as high as 20,000 feet. They travel slow so they are very visible for a long time with a life expectancy of a few minutes to as much as an hour.

With one Flogo generator you will produce one Flogo every 15 seconds; we recommend that you have two machines which can generate a Flogo every 7 seconds, a life expectancy of a few minutes to an hour or so. For larger events you may need 6-8 Flogo generators.

Go watch their corporate video. Logos in the clouds. I don't know if I'm upset, or I think it's genius. I think I'm coming down on the genius side because I want an excuse to use them. Music video anyone? Flogos are a 100% environmentally safe. Colors coming in 2009.

Maybe We're Not Totally Hopeless as a Species. MAYBE.

California joins Massachussett's in ruling that discriminating against people because of who they fuck is actually unconstitutional! YAY! Look we've figured it out, ma. Love is love and should be celebrated and encouraged in positive ways.

California's Supreme Court has opened the way for same-sex marriages, ruling a ban on homosexual unions to be unconstitutional.

California has for almost a decade allowed same-sex couples to enter "domestic partnerships", conferring the same rights as marriage.

But on Thursday the state's highest court said reserving the term "marriage" for opposite-sex relationships might deny equal respect and dignity to same-sex unions.

It's not rocket science, people, but thank you for proving me wrong. Not everyone in the whole f*cking world is an idiot. Though seriously, Austria what THE SCHNITZEL is going on over there lately? First the guy who kept the girl in a hole under his house and abused her for 8 years, then the father who kept a daughter in his basement and fathered 7 children on her in secret, and now this? Whatever you all are doing over there? STOP IT. Immediately. Get a colon cleanse. Try a shot of wheatgrass or maybe a Qi Gong class, but mellow out people. Take it down a notch on the psycho scale from maybe a 9 to, say, a 2. Bring it down to a 2. Smoke a joint. Maybe some accupuncture? A hug?

May 14, 2008

Sexy Nintendo Tattoos for Geeky Girls (NSFW!)

I'm gearing up for a new tattoo before the summer begins. While works on the design for me, I'm going to throw out some tattoo ideas for other people to get. These are original, and I hope you like 'em. If this ends up not sucking, I may actually turn it into some kind of series.

First up,

a totally not safe for work exhibition

that you'll see

after voluntarily deciding

to scroll

much further





Sexy Nintendo Tattoos for Geeky Girls

(but you knew that already).

Last year, an Internet chum of mine named Kayla (free plug for her Dance Troupe) told me she was getting a Duck Hunt tattoo. I immediately assumed it would be this:

Kayla ended up getting something with the Light Guns much farther North, but whatever.

Please excuse the parallax view as you take a look at this Excitebike tattoo (I used the letter X in the sentence three times... and thank you caffeine for my mad fresh rhymes):

By the way, I should inform you that all of these naked models are not just vehicles for 80's Nostalgia, they are, uh... well actually they are vehicles for 80's Nostalgia. (C'mon Velma, that was a clue).

I hope you know what those are (and they power they hold)! I may not have given the answers to that Bloodsport title quiz yet, but I did leave some hints to the identity of the mystery models in the image names (unless blogger changes them).

This last one didn't come out as cleanly as I would've preferred, so I'll just tell you... it's a Tecmo Bowl Tramp Stamp!

I had to widen her hips, but that shit was so airbrushed in the first place that I don't feel a bit of guilt. Christ, I can't believe how many hours I just spent birthing this post. MS Paint and 8-bit Nintendo still do their jobs like it's 1986.

Now go tell your friends! Naked girls on the internet!

And I'll form...the LEG!

Fucking Pidge. Always humping my leg.

May 13, 2008

Facts about Boys, Girls, and Chocolate.

Cadbury makes chocolate.
Cadbury makes good chocolate.
Cadbury makes good chocolate in the shape of miniature eggs.

Girls like chocolate.
Girls like lying in bed.
Girls really like eating chocolate while lying in bed.

Boys like lying in bed too.
Boys like sleeping in bed after a long, hard day of working.
Boys don't like sleeping on top of good Cadbury chocolates that were once in the shape of miniature eggs eaten by girls while lying in bed.

When Hens sit on eggs, chicks are hatched.
When Boys sit on chocolate eggs, their sheets end up looking like they have giant shit stains.
When one specific Girl gets picked up at Newark Airport on Friday, she's going to see this face waiting for her:

Now here's a song by Gnarkill about eggs, chocolate, and sodomy:

Barbara Walters Eats a Bag of Raw Dicks For Breakfast: Publishes Book of Penis Breath Poetry By Midnight

Blogger, as usually, is completely fucking pissing me off. I don't know why this is blue or underlined, when in fact the only buttons lit up in the shitass text editor are Bold and LeftJustification (neither of which I requested anyway).

How's this? Better? Oh, I deselected bold, so that would mean bold comes on and underline goes away? All I want to do is try out this new Blogger Days-Of-Future-Post, but if this doesn't stop I'm going to knock it in to the middle of next week. Manually. Manfully. If I actually had nipple cannons, I would seriously shoot out the G's in Blogger. Now that I'm all fired up (and things seem to be working again), I suppose I should blog...

Barbara Walters wrote a book and I didn't read it, but I'm going to review it anyway. It's called Memoirs or Confessions or maybe just Walters. It really doesn't matter. Judging the book on the cover alone (which is totally a valid reviewing technique in this blogosphere), I believe the story of Barbara Wawa's life involves lots of gold and silver. It's also probably really boring. She should have spent more time putting some cooler pictures on the front like a snake or a ambulance exploding and maybe I'd look at it twice. If there was a different ambulance exploding on every page, we'd have a best seller for sure, but unfortunately, this book didn't sell a single copy last week when it came out.

Walters' publisher Walter's published waiter had this to say "I didn't buy Confessions or whatever it's called because it probably sucked. Plus I already bought a book this year--Maria Shriver's book!" I bought Maria Shriver's book because it had a picture of one of Arnold Schwarzeneggar's sperm on the cover, and I assumed it would be about hardcore sex with the Governor of Balloonish Sperminators. Actually, that book sucked too. Because it was a book. And books typically suck.

Anyway, so Barbara Walters' book had a bunch of confessions in it, which makes sense since that's what the book is called. She talked about her favorite colors, what it was like to make soup in "the old days" and probably talked about reading books, and what it was like to write a book, and there was a chapter or two about Oprah, and another chapter about Oprah's books. There may have been a part where she talked about pets. I skipped that section because I'm wicked allergic to cats.

Then when I was just about to go to sleep, things got really different. She started talking about sneaking out in the woods to bang wolves as a teenager. And how she kept a porcelain gun strapped to her thigh just in case she ever decided to murder Jimmy Carter. And the time when she became the first woman to sew up her own vagina with a rusty fish hook and a piece of al dente spaghetti (on national television) while Martha Stewart and Rosie O'Donnell did whippets and smeared a baby shit and bleu cheese soufflé all over an unconscious stagehand. I don't know why any of this hasn't been brought up in the media yet. The pictures alone were worth the inflated hardcover price of $28.95 USD.

I think Annie Liebowitz took those shots. She's always so controversial.

May 12, 2008

140 Character Comic Book Reviews

Last Friday, I was happily composing an article on the creator of Wonder Woman and his unconventional BDSM and polyamorous marriage, but every node in the cable/internet grid for my sector went down for about 5 hours and murdered my momentum. I've been trying to get back to it all weekend. Forgive me, I might have to chip away at the block a bit more before I bring it to you. I hate to leave you without new content all the time, so I am carrying a new thing I tried this weekend on my twitter over here to the blawg.

As is my wont, I went to the comic book store this weekend and dropped a bunch of cash. Then I went home, poured myself a big glass of red wine and got to reading. I posted 140 character reviews of each of the comics to my twitter, like one-sentence game reviews because sometimes brevity is best. Moo liked it, and that's good enough for me. Without further ado, I give you 140 Character Comic Book Review Monday or 140CCBR Monday. That kind of makes it sound like an exotic drug component which to me comic books are.

Let's read comics together. Just finished "Nightmares & Fairytales" #22. Song of the Siren. <3 the anime, cutesy, macabre. Mermaid revenge rape tale. Can't wait for the conclusion.

Ultimate X-Men #92 & #93---Really? I love the Phoenix, but we're doing this story again? From a more positive angle? *sigh* Deus Ex Phoenix.

Brit #5, so much fun. I love Brit. Best line: I should be somewhere erasing indigenous people not fetching super vagina. Genetic super spies, ftw.

Gravel #2 A Warren Ellis book. Combat magician. Profane and action packed from Jump Street. I've enjoyed the story thus far #0-2. More. Faster.

Doc Frankenstein #6 LOVES it. The blasphemous never before-told origin story of Yahweh. Some funny and informed writing there. Gotta get it. Must have.

The Uncanny X-Men #495-497 A telepath brings down the Summer of Love all over the city. Weaksauce. Scott is somehow *less* annoying w/ Emma. I know; who would have thought it was possible?

Dark Ivory#1 Now Linsner is doing vampire Dawn? Basically. I'll still read it becoz of the artwork. I enjoy Dawn, capricious pagan goddess that she is.

House of Mystery #1. Abel from the Dreaming's house goes AWOL. These are the stories of the people trapped within. Fascinatingly disgusting insect sex and birth scenes.

B.P.R.D. 1946 #4 Searching for Hitler's Vampire Project. That demonlord thing in the body of the little girl terrifies both me and everyone else.

Black Summer #6 another Warren Ellis offering. Blood, bullets, and fire. The bullets and fire and blood gloriously spray over *every* page.

Goon #23 Zombies, golems, and union labor disputes. It's all in a day's work for the Goon. A day's work that ends with a cupcake. Huh, fillery. I love the Goon, but #23 is very fillery.

X-Men Messiah CompleX #1 What is this crazy shit? Scarlet Witch reordered reality so x-gene barely exists. But one is born who will lead us...where? Into more shitty alternate x-realities?

Abe Sapiens #4 Mignola split Abe off from being just Hellboy's sidekick and is exploring his past and talents. 'Bout time. Same mythic storytelling. Liking it.

Anna Mercury #1 Another Warren Ellis book. Anna is policing an alternative and imaginary world. It has a very "The Filth" feel to the story.

Lobster Johnson #4 A Mike Mignola book. Maybe 1 too many for me. Lobster is a 1930s
paranormal detective and in the funny papers. A character in a comic strip in a comic book. Too meta.

Young X-Men #2 What is this shit? New youngster team being trained by Scott to attack the New Mutants, the former youngster team. Everything I said about Scott miraculously becoming less irritating I take it back. This is a pile of dreck, and I want to kill Scott aka Cyclops.

That is how you spend $50 and lose a weekend to absorbing the funny pages. I waste my money, so you can spend yours more wisely. I'll get that Wonder Woman creator article on the boil. I just couldn't leave you with nothing new to read. Thanks to my twitterbuds for the positive response, and yes, I cheated a little on the last few as they are not strictly only a 140 characters. I'm a color outside the lines kind of girl.


*Princess Out*