ParentHetical Robeast Strikes Again

I completely forgot that it was Cinco de Mayo, so I'll hit up the next holiday (Mother's Day) nowstyle. The RoBeastMistress just let me know about a website called Postcards From Yo Momma (this site may be old news for all I know, but I still got a kick out of it). I think after spending a Friday Night with her, Milady realized my Mom may be full of net-worthy soundbites. I did a quick search of my old hotmail archive and turned up a few gems. The introductory paragraph on the site sums up most of her emails to a T.

Does your mom still have an AOL account?

My momma totally rocks the AOL account... still. I think she believes AOL invented Al Gore. Did I mention she still uses dial up? Did I mention it's rotary dial-up?

Does she email you her random, yet charming, thoughts on life and love?

Mom on why to move out of Hoboken:

You've been working your balls off for an atmospheric rental which I can kinda understand but you should redirect that hard-earned cash elsewhere for a change.

Mom on new Xmas traditions:
I bought a 3-sided Christmas Tree this year. I put it up against a wall anyway so what do I need four sides for?

Does she wish you called more often?

Don't you know it is a mortal sin letting weeks go by without communicating with your mother?!!! What've you been up to? You haven't been sick, have you?

***

Been meaning to write to you for the past couple of days/weeks, whatever. ARE YOU TOO FRIGGIN' BUSY TO E-MAIL ME???!!!! C'mon...this is your MOM!!

***

MY LONG LOST SON:

Where have you been? I miss hearing from you. Are you o.k.? Am I going to get to see you on MOTHER'S DAY? I hope so. I know you're not coming down Memorial Day. E-mail me since you don't return your phone messages (I know that's not the first time you've been told that.)

Well, I guess you can't please all the people all of the time. I thought I called her fairly often. Apparently not enough. Looking back at these emails, 43% of them are people being sick or dying, 64% mention a holiday, 75% of them have the subject title "YOU," and 98% of them have a completely random closing ("Gotta go put out the recyclables now." "Gotta pay my car registration on line and then start my exercise routine at 6:30A.M." "Can you believe that shit that Paris Hilton got out of jail after serving only 3 days of the pathetic 20-day sentence!!")

This one sums them all up, and gives me a bit of a clue as to where my penchant for parenthetical asides comes from:

Hi, Son:

Didn't really get a chance to talk, did we? And sorry it took me so long to send you an e-mail to thank you for the beautiful birthday flowers you sent. Thank you so much--I love getting flowers. They always stay fresh so long too. (I'm watching the BET Awards and friggin' Snoop Dog is on stage with George Clinton & P-Funk--it's sacrilegious.)

Speaking of music, thanks for the e-mail about pmf's Halloween gig. Had I not received it so late (Bootsie Collins is now on stage wearing a red glittery suit coat and a diaper--classic.), I could've made it up there to surprise you in costume. How was it? Bet there were a lot of neat costumes and everyone probably had a great time. I would've liked to hear the band too.

How're you doing? [Your sister] has tonsillitis again. She went to the doctor yesterday and he put her on antibiotics for 10 days again. It started out last Sat. with the allergy symptoms and she started taking Claritin D 'til Tues. which was helping with the sneezing and sinus pressure but by yesterday morning, he throat was sore. At least she didn't wait 5 days with the sore throat before going to the doctor. She said today her throat feels better.

That's it for now. Oh, keep me on your band's mailing list, o.k.? Thanks. (Puffy's on the BET Awards now--I can't stand him. Oh, did you know the owner of the BET Channel is white? They just had him on.)

Maybe she should write a guest column here. The kids love Bootsie Collins these days, right? All jokes aside (or are the asides all the jokes?), my mom fucking rules, and I owe everything I am and have achieved to her. I wouldn't be in a band, I wouldn't ever have a good Halloween costume, I wouldn't obnoxiously crack my gum, and I certainly wouldn't try to be a smartass on a website if it wasn't for her influence on me. Wally took this picture of us at my 3oth birthday party last month (Take Your Kids to Drunk Day?). Enjoy it.