May 21, 2008

American Idol 2008 Finale Live Blog

Where, O Where is the Beauty? She wanted to do a blog-duel, and right now is the time!

Unfortunately, it's just me here right now because we didn't plan this. I was just out getting some pizza and they had American Idol on the televisor. So I figured, eh, maybe this is a good idea. I'm coming into this knowing nothing except that this is the final episode of the season, and lots of people will be watching. I don't watch this crap. It's soulless manufacturing of two-dimensional talent. Stupid America.

Right now, Seal is singing with some broad and they are both sucking. Her voice blows, and I don't think he practiced. I do not believe this crowd has been so moved as to applaud.

Commercials. As opposed to the commercials during the actual broadcast. I'm going to talk about pizza now. I decided tonight to go North for pizza instead of the usual East. I can get to probably a dozen pizza places within 1,000 steps. Well, it seems we can now count one less. 3 Boys' From Italy (their apostrophication, not mine) was closed, possibly for good (oh no, their website is gone!)? So I had to go to the place next door instead. Frankie's. Two giant slices for next to nothing.

I just talked about pizza while a dude with dreadlocks sang a song. I guess it was all right. Who cares though? There are chicks singing now. Some chick that looks like Kelly Osbourne also looks like a zombie. She's dancing like shit because she probably doesn't care. Neither do I. Her voice is pretty obnoxious. The one with the sleeve tattoo seemed to be decent. Maybe it's just because she's the only one wearing black stockings. And has tattoos. And hoop earrings. I wonder how far she got.

I'm embarrassed to be watching this. I would prefer to be able to answer the inevitable water-cooler question tomorrow with "No, I didn't watch that shit." I don't even know why I'm doing this.

I remembered why I'm doing this. It's because I decided today to retire from online Scrabble playing. I was playing a very close game, a game that I had in the bag. I talked out my final moves in the chat box to Jamie, my Internet Nemesis and prepared myself for inevitable victory, a failing strategy that we've seen in the final scenes of many action and horror films. Here I was, Hans Gruber, telling Detective John McClain exactly how I was going to kill him, while he sat back laughing, gun gift-wrapped to his (her) back. And then.... and then... and then... I put down the wrong tiles, and promptly fell off the skyscraper.

Realizing my error, I flirted with a resignation. I couldn't do it though, and let her fair victory. Then I played the most furious game of Scrabble on my cell phone against the computer player. I scored the highest points of my life - 519. I call this passionate feat a Scrabble Hate-Fuck.

Are Bryan Adams and Ryan Seacrest going to hook up after the show?

Nice wallet chain, tough guy. He must roll with the Sharks.

More like ZZ STOP! That's probably a Mark Prindle joke. He's my American Idol.

Ok now a blond chick (they should really be wearing name tags) is singing with Nash. Except for the high notes, the performance is adequate. I like that they're making this punk kids play guitar too. And I love that she's performing barefoot, just like her American Idol.... HENRY ROLLINS.
Who are these pussies? I wonder how many times they've cut their dicks on braces.

I've finally caught up with The Beauty! And I've also finally been entertained by a performance!

the Robeast: this guy rules
Beauty and: it's like bobby trendy threw up all over him
the Robeast: he was singing on key until the band started
the Robeast: they are sabotaging him out of jealousy
the Robeast: is this a real song?
Beauty and: I can't tell
Beauty and: is this the super bowl?
Beauty and: a parade?
Beauty and: a pep rally of suck?
the Robeast: Aw... why did they cut him off? He should've gotten one last chorus solo
Beauty and: you are a sick man

Shit. I can't get this melody out of my head. I'm going to watch this clip while this douche plays piano.

I don't care if I have a super late pass here, but this dude knows how to craft a melody. I need this on mp3.

Wait, this chick won last year? Was that the last time she used her vocal chords?

I'm barely paying attention anymore. I'm just sitting here trying to think of a way to describe last year's winner's thin vocals. I'm sorry I tricked my co-blogger into watching this.

Carrie Underwood is lurching around the stage. Is her Southern accent real? Did she write this song herself? Did I just see her vajeen? Do I have anything to drink in the refrigerator?

I will be your Creature Feature.

That one dude has a very Herman Munster-esque head. He'll win because he's probably old enough to remember the Risky Business scene he's parodying in that Guitar Hero commercial. Oh shit, everyone's lurching again! Bad American Posture!

All of God's children crapped out the back door?

Why is George Michael singing a 15-minute song? And thank you Ryan Seacrest for pointing out that he is now known as GM. GM2000. xxxGMxxx. GM.COM. GMST5K. G-M-I-STILL WATCHING THIS BULLSTUFF?

Shouldn't this be over by now? I feel like I didn't even hear the two potential winners sing. Not that I was going to vote, but at least I'd like to make fun of them some more.

The Robeast: which one won?
Beauty and: it's hard to tell
Beauty and: apparently the cryer
Beauty and: he has shave and style Ken facial hair
Beauty and: this sounds like
Beauty and: christian rock
Beauty and: jeezus dude I get it
Beauty and: this IS
Beauty and: the TIME
Beauty and: of his LIFE
Beauty and: who sweeps the confetti in the end? who?
The Robeast: me
Beauty and: write ur discontent
Beauty and: for each sweet piece
Beauty and: of shredded dreams
Beauty and: the confetti is made out of
Beauty and: that is what they make it out of
The Robeast: the confetti is made out of the record contracts of the past winners
Beauty and: finally they're free and a new sacrificial lamb has taken up the mantle

Onward Virgin Soldier!
David, Toss Your Soft Rock at Goliath!
You were Once but a Mere Mortal
Now you are... A King!

More like ACHING (my ears).


trix said...

dude, you are my brother, my best friend forever. singing the song, the music that you love.

-best friends 'til the end of time, trisha

teh Beauty said...

Scrabble Hate Fuck! That is an awesome band name. Can that be our band? I play the electric triangle.

Anonymous said...

As an unabashed AI lover, I almost don't want to link this, because you'll make fun of it... But you missed what I think was the highlight of the show. The double-Ds dueted. They sang that shitty song from Spider-man, and somehow gave me goose bumps. Here, for your hateration:
Just listen to the crazy falsetto harmonies Cook sings under Archie on the second chorus. Gorrrrrgeous.
OK, that's enough gushing and random alliteration...

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I think this is my favorite "I Am Your Brother" remix. The YouTube page has a link for downloading the mp3. I don't know where you can get the original performance as an mp3, though.

Anonymous said...

Are Bryan Adams and Ryan Seacrest going to hook up after the show?

What? They kept their hands off each other for five minutes? It's a fucking miracle!