December 23, 2008

As they say, BOAST POST

This photo may not look like anything special to you, but this was my greatest Scrabble moment of 2008.

The RoBeastress and I went to a holiday party a few weekends back, hosted by and Alan Negativepop. The party was awesome. A lot of people were at the party. It was a jam session. It really whipped a horse's ass.

I drank a lot of beer and ate a lot of rad food that Wally and Alan whipped up, such as poutine and baked ziti for the 4th night in a row. Then I drank more beer. We also played a wacky party game called Werewolf which involved me getting constantly (and erroneously) killed. This gave me more time to drink more and more beer.

It was finally time to go, so we walked to the train. It was fuhreezing and the train was taking 4eva so I fired up the Scrabble app on my cell phone to distract us. We chose our sides and the phone chose the first player randomly. Then it threw me the right tiles to play SECRETS - double points and a bingo on the opening move! In retrospect, I should've ended with the S in the center square so I could have gotten some extra points for a double C, but whatever, I was drunk (like in the last post which I failed to mention)!

Anyway, it's not the first time I've gotten a bingo on the opening move, so it wasn't that big of a deal, but it definitely worth some bragging points over the RoBeastress. I passed her the phone and got a glare back. She dicked around for a few minutes while I wandered around the station taking lameass macro photos with my camera. GUAR, she hands me, whatever that means.

I discover that I now have a blank tile to work with, and because I placed an S in the center, I make it my mission to come up with a 7 letter noun. A few minutes later, I've got APRICOTS!, a second consecutive bingo!!, a triple word score!!!, 86 points!!!!, a happy dance!!!!!, and a solid lead in to what may be my best game against the RoBeastress!!!!!!

We have yet to finish this game, but I am currently leading 263 to 103. I am not going to rest on my laurels because the RoBeastress is a extraordinary Scrabble Assassin, though the odds are in my favor as many of the good letters are already on the board. She's logged more victories in our head-to-head battles, so I'm pleased to be chipping away at her lead.

Speaking of being an overcompetitive douchebag... I've been playing a shitpotload of Tetris online. Or Tetris Friends or whatever it's called these days. I saw some Facebook friends playing and figured I'd join in. I started by destroying all their high scores. Then Cindy reclaimed them and the war began. Despite having redeveloped Tetris Syndrome when I try to go to sleep, I have to say that the new Tetris versions are a lot of fun. It's not just "play as long as you can for a lot of points" any more. Now there are speed events to complement the endurance ones. It's like the decathalon of Tetris now, if "deca" meant 5 and "thalon" meant "don't do anything physical outside, just play Tetris online. And there is also a new feature (new to me at least) called "hold" which allows you (surprise) hold a piece for later (fellator). Also, there is a "ghost piece" that shows up on the bottom where your piece is projected to fall. I have learned that the old way of playing Tetris is not good enough anymore and I'm learning to evolve with the times. I would definitely prefer to play with a two-button Nintendo controller because I'm actually getting finger cramps from using the keyboard, especially in the speed rounds. This new Tetris is definitely easier and more forgiving than classic Tetris (you can infinitely rotate a piece to keep it from being permanently placed), but the new features and scoring opportunities keep the replayablility factor high. As long as I don't get to this point, I'll be fine.

I should also mention that I somehow pwned the RoBeastress' family at the Jewish Version of Apples to Apples. Score one for the Atheist Goy Wonder.

December 21, 2008


Annoyingly wide awake on a late Saturday night. Gonna post one last email from a co-worker before I hibernate from this type of blog post for a while just in case facebook friend co-workers are reading my blog and thinking I'm going to expose them (albeit anonymously) on the Internettes.

Anywhy, a recent email ended thusly:
I have never left you hanging....
Dot dot dot dot....NON-IRONICALLY. Today's secret word is OPERATION: MINDCRIME.

ANyone ever see DOT AND THE KANGAROO? Unnecessary capitalization, yes. Dot and The Kangaroo was one of several Australian cartoons that were cartooned in Australia a double decade ago. I meant to blog about it eighteen hundred thousand years ago when I NETFLIXED it and REWATCHED it. It features a scary boogieman like creature called the BUNYIP which is a creature that is scary, boogie-filled, and has man parts possibly. Now that I think about it, I may have blogged about it after all I think. About it.

Maybe I did. Maybe i didn't did not. Same deferens.

The point about DOT was twofold:

  1. That it was animation that featured real life background like such as for example: the animals were running through the forest, but the animals were animated (cause they both start with ANI) and the forest was for real (cause they both start with FOR). I thought this was cool and probably easy for the animators. Or maybe not easy per snickety, but was very effective in relation to the effort they had to put forth (which probably wasn't much, lazy asses).
  2. DOT AND THE KANGAROO is redundant because titles of films don't need to be capitalized AND italicized to show that they're titles. This example would've featured underlining and italicizationally slanted texticles just to be extra ASSHOLISH but DUMB BLOGGER doesn't have UNDERLINE as a default in the not-so-rich text editor.
  3. Now that I've gotten sidetracked by bitchassblogger, my numerals are inaccurate. I promised twofold and now you've gotten threefold.
  4. Fuck it just gets worse.
  5. USA TODAY puts song titles in Italics and it makes MISO ANGRY. I can not differentiate between song titles and album titles and I just want to choke the newspaper. It's not bad enough that the reviews are SUCK MY ASS, but then I gotta see all these fucking italics. THis past Tuesday there were several review capsules and every single one of them had the word "Soul" in it. Except one. And yes, I count the "Soul" in Soulja Boy. It's just so FEEDING MY REPETITIVE WORD COMPLEX.
I should go. I've said too much. And I overcapitalized purposefully, but it's not even funny anymore. IT wasNT funny TO begIN with.

December 19, 2008


Igloobicle - (noun) - The place you will be confined to when your company refuses to close during a snowstorm.

The RoBeast is currently sitting in his igloobicle because the powers-that-be refuse to ever officially close the building. 98% of his co-workers have already gone home, including the powers-that-be, but if the business is still technically open, he still needs to technically be there. At least the heat is still on and the internet works.
I'm going to protest now and dick around on Urban Dictionary to fulfill my editorial duties. A second one of my words was made Urban Dictionary Word of the Day, but it was one of my shitty words. Well, it's a good word (grandboss), but I after I found out that other people had coined it before me, I felt shitty. I'm not totally satisfied unless I enter a term on Google and zero results return.

I have some good blog entries planned, but I need my camera, which is in the car, which is outside, where I'm not allowed to go just yet. Maybe tomorrow.

December 16, 2008

Scream Really Loud

Today's Secret Word is CONFIRM.
Hi RoBeast:
As you can see, T----- possibly has a videoconference on Tuesday. It will be confirmed tomorrow. It will be with only one site, and I need to confirm that they will initiate the call. Please confirm that you can be there to help, if the videoconference is confirmed. Thanks.
Yes, if you're wondering, every email from this person reads this way. And every time I scream really loud.
Hi RoBeast:

I'm just confirming that you will be able to initiate the below videoconference with U------- tomorrow morning at 7:00 am. Please confirm. Thanks.
This next one is the greatest I've ever seen, but wasn't directed to me. For some reason though, I was still copied on it. Maybe she just didn't want me feeling left out:
I already ordered food from you for this and you confirmed my order - please see below and confirm. Here's a copy of the catering order and your confirmation. Please confirm it will now be in Conference Room C on the second floor. Please confirm.
The good thing is that PLEASE always accompanies CONFIRM, so I can't get too upset. It's just that I will get these Please Confirm requests every day up until the meeting. Is my original confirmation not good enough? Is my reputation so shitty that I need to follow up every ten minutes? Is it an OCD thing?

It may be on my part a bit. I was just pointing out to the RoBeastress recently that I have a aversion to repeated words in writing. So it's a style preference that just sets me off when I see other people repeating a lot. I realized a few years ago that I also have a problem repeating myself aloud the same way twice. If someone asks me to repeat myself, I will inevitably rearrange the sentence or choose different words completely.

I'm somewhere in between Jimmy Two Times,

and Anthony One Time.

In other related news, last Friday I signed my letter of intent to work for the company that is swooping in to take over my department. I can't say I'm 100% on board with the whole plan to hotsauce my department globally, nor was I a fan of the anxiety I've had for more than 6 months due to excruciatingly poor communication from my current company C-------* and my future company, J--*, but the incoming company did manage to do a good job matching up my benefits and compensation. Of course, I didn't have all my questions answered until about an hour before the signing deadline (which was already extended), but in the end we may have all gotten what we wanted.

Now go home and get yer fuckin' shinebox.

* I think it's a shame that I can't openly criticize my company despite all the shit they've put me through, but that's the law, eh? Some anti-corporate crime fighter I am. My buddy and former coworker Ethan gets around this by writing his company name backwards so the Co-Bots can't track him down. I haven't confirmed a fun codename yet for the company that I'm confirmed to start with in January, but I'll confirm a confirmation with you all soon enough.

PS - Trying to type this Blogger entry has been a complete pain in my ass, due to my attempts at blockquoting, font changes, embedding youtube clips, and copying some text from Microsoft Word. These are simple fucking things, but Blogger loves to be buggy, and to not respond to my complaints. Thanks again fuckers.

December 12, 2008

That's what he said she said he said.

The cycle of abuse:

: they want so much credit when they "bend" for us and they think it makes up for anything shitty they do. both companies have their heads up their own asses and love the smell.

RoBeastress: hmm, i hadn't heard that turn of phrase before -- "loving the smell"

RoBeast: i'll turn your phrase

December 11, 2008

Certified Genius or Aesthetic Wacko?

This blurb was just sent out in my weekly company newsletter:
Winner Won’t Loose His Way Thanks to the United Way

T---- K----- from S&T won the 2008 United Way Campaign raffle prize - a GPS guaranteeing that he will never need to ask directions or loose his way again. The drive itself was a great success with a 9% increase in donations to $42K and a 3% increase in donors from 2007. Thanks to T----- and to everyone involved for proving that C------ Colleagues live untied.
The only edits I made were to the names, otherwise it was published exactly like that. It's fascinating to me that not only were the typos highlighted and formatted with bold, but they are also so poetically connected. Loose and untied. What a fun use of metaphor. Could it really just be a coincidence? It's so beautiful and subtly defiant. Live the United Way? No, live untied!

Oh, if anyone's wondering, I donated $10. I may be poor, but I'm knot a jerk!

December 9, 2008

A lot and a little to listen to

Play all three of these songs at once:

And then listen to these four at the same time:

I don't know, I chuckled.

(thanks to Mark Prindle pointing out the Lita Ford connection)

I was asleep

But now I'm awake and watching the most ridiculous shit on YouTube (watch your volumes, JOSH):

December 4, 2008

Babies R U

Unfortunately, there's no time for epic blogging today as I have a hot date with a big mall on a cold December day in a few minutes. Instead I will just take this space to wish two good friends and fellow bloggers the best of luck on the birth of their son today. Ethan and Vicki will finally welcome Tobin to the outside world in just a few hours. I'm pretty sure he's not being named after the fictional Tobin's Spirit Guide from Ghostbusters, but it will still be an exciting honor to meet him. Kick ass, you guys!

December 1, 2008

First Life Crisis, Second Life Action, Quarter Pound Mania

I will be starting 2009 with a new employer and a new residence. More details as those stories unfold.

In the meantime, to escape the messes in my current life, I downloaded Second Life. For those that don't know or were too lazy to click the link I just provided you bums, it's a virtual world with a real economy and property and activities and other things where you and your custom avatar can go buck wild (or buck serious as it were). I actually had never even heard of it until recently, mainly because I don't pay any attention to video games. But one night last week, the RoBeastress and I were watching MTV (I have no idea why) and the subject of the show was a kid who played music, but never performed in front of people. In front of real people, that is. You see, she performed at shows online, in the Second Life universe. This was fascinating to me.

So I downloaded the free software (there are also paid access levels if you want to dive in completely) and made my avatar: Slamdunk Jyraffe, a Dennis Rodman-looking rebel. I got some rad hightops, a mohawk, and a tattoo. I don't believe in reincarnation. Fortunately, I have Second Life to come back as a big-dicked basketball player.

Immediately overwhelmed by all the words and rules and options, I decided not take part in Second Life as a positive contributor to society. Instead, I would just walk around ignorantly and annoy people, just like real life. I tried to impress everyone by telling them I could slam dunk, and usually punctuated that statement with a leap, or "Bickety Bam!" It didn't take long before other characters started picking on me. The persecution went as far as being caged me while people took turns zapping me with lightning bolts. It was hilarious.

After a couple days, I found myself being banned from everywhere possible. Clothing stores, nude beaches, strip clubs (are you detecting a theme?) I did find several nice people along the way. One chick gave me a package of ridiculous gestures, which gave me the opportunity to further annoy people by dancing around to "Everybody Dance Now." Another girl gave me a little black penis which I was never able to figure out how to use. Somewhere along the line I found a box full of animals, which enabled me to attach a giantic red crab to my body and piss off anyone in a 30 foot radius. I was not allowed into the "crime zone," so I tried to steal a car in one of the normal parcels of land. I failed to be able to start the car, but I was able to "take" the car and put it in my inventory. With the car successfully in my inventory, I was then able to "wear" it. I attached the car to my pelvis, then changed my skin to red to match. I then made my way to the orgy room.

Already having been banned from the orgy room for walking around as the giant crab, I was relegated to hanging out in the alley next door. I was quickly propositioned and of course, I took the girl up on it. She led me around the corner, took off her virtual clothes, and then we started banging against a garbage can. She kept telling me to take the car off (something no girl has ever asked me in real life), but I was busy fumbling around with the Second Life screen capture function. Before I could get a snapshot, she took off.

This scene was too hilarious to pass up though. I started begging girls for sex, but who wants to have sex with Herbie the Love Bug? I started telling them that I was a really a famous Transformer. Girls like celebrity robots, right? I mean, I picked up the RoBeastress dressed as Voltron.

Well, lightning struck twice--I found a girl that was interested in me while dressed like a freak. She took her place against the garbage can, as I again started to recreate this autoerotic fantasy.

"Are you taking pictures?" she asked.

"Yes. Take your shirt off." I'm so smooth.

"Ok, that will be 50."

"Come on. I'll give you a car."

"What kind of car?"

"An awesome one, just take off your shirt." She did. "She" is probably a dude in real life anyway. I snap some more photos.

"100 for the pants." Bah. I don't have any money. We stopped and I gave her a copy of the car I was wearing. She or he clearly wasn't impressed. "I'm gonna go find a third..." was the last thing she said before disappearing and never coming back.

I spent a few minutes laying on my back in the alley thinking about what I just did, while the RoBeastress gave me dirty looks from the other side of the couch. I think she was secretly hoping someone else would hitch a ride on the clown nose express, but she'll never admit that.

It didn't happen, and I was getting bored of waiting for girls to volunteer to have their vulvas violated by a Volvo, so I went to a strip club. This was also boring. I logged off, accomplishing what for now may be the highlight of my Second Life.

Ok, so I promised you something about Quarter Pound Mania too, huh? I saw a commercial today for a bizarre documentary, filmed by Stacy Peralta (the former skateboarder who made Dogtown and Z-Boys) and I guess produced by Burger King. It's called Whopper Virgins. The documentary (commercial) is basically a Whopper vs. Big Mac taste test, but the twist is, the test subjects are people in remote areas of the world where fast food doesn't seem to exist. This, like sex in Second Life, is simultaneously sad and fascinating. I'm always curious about semi-scientific surveys, but I don't want these poor innocent people to be exposed to garbage food. I'd prefer them just to go out into the woods and take a bite out of a cow, and not worry about artificial additives. The "documentary" will be "released" later this week. I think. The dates on the website keep changing. So professional.

Merry December, sluts.