Van Gogh-Kart

My poor Honda got sideswiped yet again while parked over night in NYC. This time, the driver's side mirror was completely ripped off the side of the car. It was nowhere to be found on the street so either the hit-and-run coward grabbed it as a souvenir or another passerby disposed of it. Fortunately, aftermarket replacement mirrors are relatively cheap ($50), but it pisses me off that the car insurance I've spent thousands and thousands of dollars on over the years is useless to me in this case. It's also incredibly frustrating to spend $8 in tolls several times a week to visit (and presumably spend more money in) New York City, only to have my car constantly damaged on its streets. I'm just going to have take my frustrations out by terrorizing idiot pedestrians that have no concept of what DON'T WALK means.

On the bright side, I'll learn how to install a side view mirror on a Honda Civic which will make things easier if and when this happens again. I also used this opportunity to coin a new phrase on Urban Dictionary (it's been approved, but the page hasn't been published yet):

Van Gogh-Kart - (n.) A vehicle that is missing one of its side-view mirrors, reminiscent of Vincent van Gogh's severed ear.

Fucking animals.

Fire Water Burn

Why does the last line of this weather alert sound more like an invitation than a warning?

Fire Weather Watch

Hudson (New Jersey)

URGENT - FIRE WEATHER MESSAGE
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE NEW YORK NY
352 PM EDT THU APR 16 2009

...GUSTY WINDS AND LOW RELATIVE HUMIDITIES EXPECTED FRIDAY
AFTERNOON....HIGH PRESSURE BUILDING DOWN FROM ONTARIO WILL MAINTAIN A VERY DRY AIRMASS ACROSS THE REGION ON FRIDAY...DEVELOPING GUSTY WEST SOUTHWEST WINDS IN THE AFTERNOON. THESE WEATHER CONDITIONS...ALONG WITH DRY FINE FUELS...COULD PROMOTE RAPID WILD FIRE GROWTH IF ONE WERE TO START.

I guess I'll make sure not to start any fires tonight.

Just a quick follow-up to the Verizon post from the other day... Today I received a call from the Billing Department informing me that I have an outstanding balance and then they asked me if I'd like to make a payment today. NO I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A PAYMENT TODAY. I JUST WANT YOUR TWO STUPID DEPARTMENTS TO USE THE SAME FUCKING DATABASE SO I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MY SITUATION FOR THE SPERMILLIONTH* TIME.

"Oh yes, I see the $330 equipment charge right here," he said.

Good, now stick it in your very dry ass where it could promote rapid wild fire growth, if one were to start.

* - I haven't decided exactly how "Spermillion" is going to be defined, but I assure you that you'll hear it here first. By the way, you are reading what Blogger is calling Beauty and the RoBeast's 200th entry. I know there a good handful that were never actually posted, but it lumps them right in with the total post count. I'm not going to go back and count all of our posts either, but I can assure you that it's less than 200, and way less than a Spermillion. Regardless, I want to thank everyone for reading and keeping the drive alive.

Igloobicle

Igloobicle - (noun) - The place you will be confined to when your company refuses to close during a snowstorm.

The RoBeast is currently sitting in his igloobicle because the powers-that-be refuse to ever officially close the building. 98% of his co-workers have already gone home, including the powers-that-be, but if the business is still technically open, he still needs to technically be there. At least the heat is still on and the internet works.

I'm going to protest now and dick around on Urban Dictionary to fulfill my editorial duties. A second one of my words was made Urban Dictionary Word of the Day, but it was one of my shitty words. Well, it's a good word (grandboss), but I after I found out that other people had coined it before me, I felt shitty. I'm not totally satisfied unless I enter a term on Google and zero results return.

I have some good blog entries planned, but I need my camera, which is in the car, which is outside, where I'm not allowed to go just yet. Maybe tomorrow.

From Bitch Burrito to O.K.-sadilla

In case anyone was wondering, I'm still being hotsauced, but I found out that my job will most likely not be eliminated. AntiNonUnIrregardless, I am still exploring ideas on how to save and make money without relying on employment.

I'm not sure how many people are aware of this, but it is impossible for anyone in New Jersey to get into any borough of New York City by car without paying (unless have a flux capacitor). Whether you take the George Washington Bridge, Lincoln Tunnel, Holland Tunnel, Bayonne Bridge, or the Outerbridge Crossing, you're going to get hit up for $8. As the RoBeastress is an N.Y.C. C.H.A.D. (Cannibalisic Humanoid Aboveground Dweller), I find myself constantly cursing this toll. Sometimes I say "#%@*^!@." Other times I say "$#!$%^%*."

But this past Saturday, I took part in a legend as mythical as the Jersey Devil--I received a Free Ride. Depending on your vantage point, I made a skilled/dick move and cut across 8 toll lanes to get to the non-EZ Pass lane with the shortest line. I got up to the toll collector, _____ed the windows down (they're electric and I haven't yet coined a suitable term to describe the non-rolling of car windows), and handed the bills out, but he started talking to me instead. Since most toll collectors are actually cyborgs, I thought it was strange that this one was attempting to engage me in discussion. Did I just do something wrong? Is he stalling so the Port Authority Police can surround me? Am I driving a similar make and model vehicle to someone that just robbed a convenience store and shot the clerk? I shot the clerk?

Just as I was about to call my cousin Vinny, I realized that I was not in trouble. It was the car ahead me that made the critical error--Their EZ-Pass paid the toll and they paid the collector in cash. The Toll Collector, rather than pocket the cash, decided to pay it forward and let me go without paying. For the next 20 minutes, I swear I heard a chorus of angels singing (though it may have just been one voice echoing while stuck in the Holland Tunnel traffic).

So, I'm 8 bucks ahead of the game. Awesome. BUT IT DOESN'T END THERE!!!

I was at Duane Reade de udder day and bought god knows what. The chick goes to hand my change but quickly stops to inspect a penny. "What in the world is this?" she says. I'm just hoping it's not another fucking-worthess-in-the-Coinstar-universe Canadian penny. Rather than exchange it for one of Emperor Duane Reade's millions of pennies in the cash register, she hands it to me anyway. I don't make a stink because, well, I don't make stinks (in public at least).

I get outside and take a close look at this alien currency. I quickly deduce by the letters E, U, R, & O that it's a Euro. And it's got a big 5 on it. Google tells me that ".05 Euros = 0.077775 U.S. dollars." That's almost 8 pennies when I was supposed to just get 1. I'm gonna be rich, motherfuckers (as long as Duane Reade makes this mistake a billion more times before Google starts printing its own currency and takes over the world)!

Speaking of coinage, have you seen the friggin' Euro? Looking at it, it's become obvious to me that Europe has special knowledge of an alien invasion. Additionally, it is abundantly clear that they have a pact with these intergalatic invaders as North and South America (and possibly Japan and Australia) will be attacked by these laserbeam-firing star-shaped spacecrafts, while Europe, Russia, India, Africa, and the Mid-East (the axis of 5) will be spared. It will be the 1300's all over again! Fortunately, I have caught wind of their arrogantly tauted plans, and will be working on countermeasures. You'll thank me later.

Speaking of coinage, remember to pick up your loose change from the bucket at the airport!

Speaking of coinage, I need to come up with the new word for the upward and downward movement of electric windows in a car because "roll" just doesn't cut it. I feel should start with a Z because Z is clearly the most futuristic letter of the alphabet. I zoomed the windows? Zoinked the windows? Zuuled the windows?

It looks like I have a lot of work to do.