June 25, 2008

From Bitch Burrito to O.K.-sadilla

In case anyone was wondering, I'm still being hotsauced, but I found out that my job will most likely not be eliminated. AntiNonUnIrregardless, I am still exploring ideas on how to save and make money without relying on employment.

I'm not sure how many people are aware of this, but it is impossible for anyone in New Jersey to get into any borough of New York City by car without paying (unless have a flux capacitor). Whether you take the George Washington Bridge, Lincoln Tunnel, Holland Tunnel, Bayonne Bridge, or the Outerbridge Crossing, you're going to get hit up for $8. As the RoBeastress is an N.Y.C. C.H.A.D. (Cannibalisic Humanoid Aboveground Dweller), I find myself constantly cursing this toll. Sometimes I say "#%@*^!@." Other times I say "$#!$%^%*."

But this past Saturday, I took part in a legend as mythical as the Jersey Devil--I received a Free Ride. Depending on your vantage point, I made a skilled/dick move and cut across 8 toll lanes to get to the non-EZ Pass lane with the shortest line. I got up to the toll collector, _____ed the windows down (they're electric and I haven't yet coined a suitable term to describe the non-rolling of car windows), and handed the bills out, but he started talking to me instead. Since most toll collectors are actually cyborgs, I thought it was strange that this one was attempting to engage me in discussion. Did I just do something wrong? Is he stalling so the Port Authority Police can surround me? Am I driving a similar make and model vehicle to someone that just robbed a convenience store and shot the clerk? I shot the clerk?

Just as I was about to call my cousin Vinny, I realized that I was not in trouble. It was the car ahead me that made the critical error--Their EZ-Pass paid the toll and they paid the collector in cash. The Toll Collector, rather than pocket the cash, decided to pay it forward and let me go without paying. For the next 20 minutes, I swear I heard a chorus of angels singing (though it may have just been one voice echoing while stuck in the Holland Tunnel traffic).

So, I'm 8 bucks ahead of the game. Awesome. BUT IT DOESN'T END THERE!!!

I was at Duane Reade de udder day and bought god knows what. The chick goes to hand my change but quickly stops to inspect a penny. "What in the world is this?" she says. I'm just hoping it's not another fucking-worthess-in-the-Coinstar-universe Canadian penny. Rather than exchange it for one of Emperor Duane Reade's millions of pennies in the cash register, she hands it to me anyway. I don't make a stink because, well, I don't make stinks (in public at least).

I get outside and take a close look at this alien currency. I quickly deduce by the letters E, U, R, & O that it's a Euro. And it's got a big 5 on it. Google tells me that ".05 Euros = 0.077775 U.S. dollars." That's almost 8 pennies when I was supposed to just get 1. I'm gonna be rich, motherfuckers (as long as Duane Reade makes this mistake a billion more times before Google starts printing its own currency and takes over the world)!

Speaking of coinage, have you seen the friggin' Euro? Looking at it, it's become obvious to me that Europe has special knowledge of an alien invasion. Additionally, it is abundantly clear that they have a pact with these intergalatic invaders as North and South America (and possibly Japan and Australia) will be attacked by these laserbeam-firing star-shaped spacecrafts, while Europe, Russia, India, Africa, and the Mid-East (the axis of 5) will be spared. It will be the 1300's all over again! Fortunately, I have caught wind of their arrogantly tauted plans, and will be working on countermeasures. You'll thank me later.

Speaking of coinage, remember to pick up your loose change from the bucket at the airport!

Speaking of coinage, I need to come up with the new word for the upward and downward movement of electric windows in a car because "roll" just doesn't cut it. I feel should start with a Z because Z is clearly the most futuristic letter of the alphabet. I zoomed the windows? Zoinked the windows? Zuuled the windows?

It looks like I have a lot of work to do.


Kirk said...

You curse just like Q-Bert!

metheus said...

"lowered the window" and "opened the window" are both power-agnostic, with one also specifying that your window operates in the conventional, up-is-closed fashion.

Then again, if you want to be unequivocal about having power windows, you might say you "zapped open", or "zoomed open" (or "down") the window (there's that Z you wanted)... Hey, you might even say you minimized it, but perhpas that's a cross-domain metaphor ahead of its time... or for which the time will never come.