July 14, 2008

Facebook is Racist

... against Cheeseburgers. Ok, maybe not racist, but there is definitely rampant meat-product discrimination going on over there.

I tried to change my Facebook name today to Rollie Cheeseburger Hatch. I don't really know why. I just wanted to. My actual middle initial is C, and people are always asking what it stands for, so I figured I'd just go with Cheeseburger. Plus, I had a really good cheeseburger on Saturday night at Acme Underground.

Despite my knowing attempt to circumvent Facebook's rules (bullet point 3)...

I went for it. Upon clicking Confirm Request, Facebook immediately switched to DEFCON 3:

"Your name change request has been rejected by our automated approval system."

So sad. I tried three more times just to make sure I didn't fuck up somewhere in the one step process. I didn't.

Not one to let The Man defeat me, I went for an alternate dairy-meat dream-meal. Quesoburguesa sounded good, but didn't stay true to my actual C-lead middle name. I needed one that would thwart the "automated approval system" and survive processing limbo where my submission would face up to 24 hours of interrogation by the Facebook KGB.

A half hour later, I have become Rollie Cheesesteak Hatch.

Why, Facebook? Why Cheesesteak, but not Cheeseburger? Why do you automatically assume that someone could not really be named Cheeseburger? There is a dude that changed his hame to Trout Fishing in America in 1994. How the hell is he going to get a Facebook account approved?

It's time for another highly unscientific RoBeast experiment. (In the interest of getting this expose published already, I will be updating the results throughout the day.)

  • Cheesesteak
  • Chickennugget
  • Chopped Liver
  • Castlevania
  • Cheeseburger
Undetermined (AKA too impatient):
  • Chuck Wagon
I have also chosen to publish the news of this unfortunate setback in Cheeseburger history on Wikipedia. (note - this was considered "junk" and removed that night)


Rachel said...

is there a race that commonly uses "cheeseburger" as a given name? am i missing something? ;P

Also, can i just call you Steak-Ums for short? Yum.

Mork, from Charlestown said...

Now that my mom and step dad have finalized the adoption, I have updated my new hyphenated last name on Facebook. You can now find me as Davis T Montgomery-Cheeseburg. I hope they don't take this away from me. I just want to honor the love and lack of molestation provided by my step father, Mayor McCheese.

It means a lot to the Irish, you know?

General Dowd said...

Hatch, I think you're forgetting the oft-overlooked Kheezbeuerg tribe of New Guinea. Their domelike, knobby heads and squat, brown torsos inform the pejorative "Cheeseburger", as in "One from Kheezbeuerg".

You goddamned isolationist.

Jay Amabile said...

mork that was hysterical.

the cheeseburguesa thing was funny as hell too.

I enjoyed this post. I always wondered about how these sites try to keep us in line. No jokes with them at all. Next thing you know if you click that you are male they may not except names like Kelly or Jamie. lol.

nickthedude said...

pwned by both facebook and wiki, whats next google giving u a yeast infection while slipping mentos into ur doctor pepper?