As everyone has known since 2007 (except me who didn't realize until a couple weeks ago), the US locations of Virgin Megastore were set to close by this year. The Times Square location in NYC met its demise earlier this month. The Union Square location (the one that I most often visit) is said to be shutting its doors in May or June. I stopped in last night to find some Mega Rad Awesome deals!!!!
The only thing I walked out with was a free Village Voice, the free East Coast Rocker, and a list of things I'll consider buying when the discounts are way better than 20% off.
The problem with Virgin to me has always been their shitty prices. As one of the last people on Earth that still actually buys CDs, I am constantly discouraged when scouring their racks. Typically, their discs are priced at $18.99, which is absolute bullshit. Oh, you want the Melvins' noise album? Fuck you, pay me. You're missing Let It Be from your Beatles' collection? Fuck you, pay me. I started shopping exclusively from their cheapo bins that popped up in the past couple years. Cheapo at $10 isn't really cheapo though when most of the stuff in the bins are discs that everyone in the world already had or didn't want. And 20% off of their regular stock is still way too much.
Occasionally, I'll find a deal on a greatest hits package and pick it up from Virgin, but for the most part, the only CDs I buy are used (Ebay or Generation Records) or older catalog items from Amazon. If something brand new is coming out I'll buy it from the artists' websites directly. Maybe I'll end up paying 18.99 anyway after shipping, but chances are, I'm getting a free t-shirts or bonus DVD along with it. Because of the price of CDs, I rarely take a chance on discovering something new. Unless it's in the $1 rack at Tunes in Hoboken, I'm no longer willing to dig. No matter how clever the name of the band is, or how cool the artwork is, or if a friend recommended them, I just can't take part in the romanticized view of the cool record store anymore.
At $18.99, I said Fuck You back and signed up for Emusic instead. $15 a month and I could take chances again. Even if I'm now saddled with some bum mp3s (bump3s?) that I'll rarely listen to, I still have discovered a million awesome bands that I never would have found at Virgin Smegmastore. I certainly never felt ripped off because of prices. I'm at a point now where I've actually put a hold on my Emusic account because I've found too much music and need to take a breather. This isn't an Emusic commercial though. The service isn't perfect. The catalog is nearly 100% independent so whenever I have a taste for something major, I go back to physical CDs. And I'll keep buying CDs as long as I'm getting value for my money. I don't care if I have to take an extra step to rip a disc before jamming it onto my mp3 player. I try to be efficient, but sometimes my cheapness defeats it.
Maybe I'm just being my usual anti-corporate self, but I tend to think that corporate greed is what's killing CDs and Record Stores, not consumers. I don't think I'm demanding much. Why would anyone pay 20% off of a $430 Sopranos Complete Series Box Set at Virgin when it's already only $329 on Amazon? I had no intention of buying that, but it's indicative of most of the "deals" in the store. I'll admit I did find a couple things that I considered purchasing right then and there--Prince's Batman Soundtrack at $7.99 and The Naked Gun at $9.99 (-20% on both)--but ultimately, I don't need either that badly and I'm positive I can find them both cheaper. Here's a sorry looking list I made on my phone of items that I sort of want (feel free to mock my taste), but they won't get crossed off until I see better prices:
Twin peaks viva bam jackass tim eric batman sound who greatest sarabarellis li e pearl jamnirvana unplug serj pee wee ameribeauty rocky Shining
The majority of things there are DVDs because it didn't occur to me to start making a list until I got downstairs. There isn't a ton of music I'm looking for right now, and I didn't have the patience to pore through the CD section knowing that the prices sucked. Nothing on my list is a necessity, so there's no urgency for me to spend my money. It's all there for the taking though, Virgin, if the price is right.
Lo, I have returned to you. Yes, it has been a long time since I have posted here. Rollie has had to keep the dream alive in my absence. To recap: I got my heartbroken by an edouche, I went out on a grudgefuck date, I got pregnant, I had the baby. I did not post during my pregnancy because gestating a small human eats your brain. I was like a little old man with dementia. The baby ate all my words. I would wander around my house asking people things like, "what's the word for that party they throw you for the baby? We just had mine?" Oh right, BABY SHOWER. Right, thanks." My brain was mush. I missed every appointment unless it was written down. I sat quietly for hours and had to eat bland foods, or I would have DIED from explosive heartburn. Seriously, I thought I was going to have to go the hospital several times for HEARTBURN. How pathetic is that? I never knew heartburn could feel like a fucking heart attack. That's all behind me now, and I have a beautiful baby girl. I will post more about this phenomenon called motherhood later. Today, I come to you to talk very seriously about an issue that is affecting this great nation: teabagging.
Yes, I have come out of my crusty retirement to talk to you about men dipping their balls in and on things. Before we precede any further, I feel we should take this break to review that hilarious State skit about Jesus and his disciple Louie also known as he who would like to dip his balls in it.
Listen, much like Jesus I love everybody. Wait that's a lie, I don't love everybody, but I do defend everyone's right to publicly make a complete ass of themselves. Which is why, when I turned on my TV in the midst of my own special reaming by the tax man on April 15th and saw the Republican Conservatives, they who would outlaw gay sex, shrieking over the public airwaves that they wanted to teabag the President...well, I lost it. I got down on my knees and howled with laughter over the delicious irony of the whole thing. There's nothing like seeing a rich old Grandma who believes it is a sin for homosexuals to have sex talking about how she would like to DIP HER BALLS in an elected official's mouth. Bonus points if that elected official holds the highest office in the land. Lordie. It's not every day you see something like that. Usually, you have to pay extra to see something like that if you know what I mean, and obviously, sadly, many of you do not.
When I pointed this out on Facebook several of my more conservative "acquaintances" went off on me and called me out for having a liberal slant and ridiculing their right to protest. People, I may be the liberal here, but I'm not the one talking about how I want to teabag the President. I also fully support anyone's right to protest; this does not shield you from my right to laugh my ass off when you act the fool. Nothing says I am totally disconnected from the world and politically incoherent like a good 'ole teabagging rally stirred up and fomented by a Dick Armey. Like it isn't hard enough to take a man named Dick Armey seriously, no, he has to make it even harder by inviting us all to a big 'ole teabag rally. Yes really, an ARMY of Conservative dicks talking about how they want to dip their balls in it. Seriously? I cannot write this material. It writes itself. I could labor for hours and hours and never come up with anything as funny as this is. I find it amazing that not only do people under 40 not know what teabagging is (I've had to explain it several times to people my OWN age recently), but that not one of these "smart" people who know what is best for this country are capable of running a word through a simple google search with moderate safesearch off. It's not like "teabagging" is a new phenomenon. Us liberals didn't make it up to shame you conservatives. Teabagging is a fairly well-known sexual euphemism. It has passed far enough into our pop culture to feature in a John Waters movie from 1998 called Pecker, but in the words of Mr. Waters himself:
"Teabagging" is by my definition the act of dragging your testicles across your partner's forehead. In the UK it is dipping your testicles in your partner's mouth. I didn't invent the term or the act but DID introduce it to film in my movie "Pecker." "Teabagging" was a popular dance step that male go-go boys did to their customers for tips at The Atlantis, a now defunct bar in Baltimore. Hope this helps. -- John Waters via Boing Boing)
That sketch from The State that I showed you guys is from a TV show that's off the air. The State aired from 1993 to 1995. The joke here is not new, but it is a hilarious callback. Good one GOP! I am certainly not the only one who got the joke. MSNBC's newscasters like: David Schuster, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, and Ana Marie Cox really went to town while CNN's Anderson Cooper (who no doubt has great experience with teabagging *wink* *wink*) got a few choice shots in, leaving funnyman John Stewart to bewail a bizarro world wherein he does not get to make the obvious scrotum joke. I'm sorry GOP'ers it's like running around using the word boner to reference a bone-headed or stupid move, and expecting the rest of us not to laugh and giggle when you righteously speak about the President's boners. COME ON. I am not made of steel. I am only a human being with an actual sense of humor.
I cannot believe that not one single person at FOX News, the purveryors of about a 100 "teabag" commercials, did not know that teabag had a less than savory definition. Today, I would like to celebrate these TRUE American heroes the underpaid minions who let it slide. For every assistant producer, for every junior fact-checker and copywriter that silently giggled to themselves and kept their mouths shut, I personally would like to thank you for bringing this country the greatest dick and ball joke it has possibly ever seen on a national level. And, if truly, none of these people really knew what teabagging meant, then I can only imagine that it was the will of GOD that let this series of hilarious circumstances come to pass. For an agnostic, this actually strengthens my faith in the divine because if the universe has a sense of humor, we may yet have hope in this mad, mad world.
Or more accurately, Remember that one episode of Blossom where her older brother Tony was talking about his recovery from alcoholism at the breakfast table? He told them all about the 12-Step program, but Joey cut him off after #11 to say "Whoa" or something else really dumb. Everybody laughed--except Tony. He was mad because he didn't get to finish his story.
Later that night Six came over for a sleepover, but Blossom was still preoccupied. "What could be the 12th step?" she wondered aloud.
"Like, I don't know," said Six, "but I'm bored and LOLcats haven't been invented yet, so let's go downstairs and get loaded!"
So she put on her favorite 90's flower hat, swiped Blossom's dad's bottle of JD from the liquor cabinet, and grabbed his cocaine stash that was hiding in the piano. "This is gonna be, like totally awesome, Blossom!" Blossom knew better, but she didn't say anything. Soon, Six was doing drugs every day. She also started hanging with a different crowd--one that sold coke and bought guns, and never ever wore 90's flower hats.
Concerned for the safety of her old friend, Blossom went to brother for advice. "You should have let me finish my cautionary tale," he said. "Step 12 is about preventing others from succumbing to addiction. It tells you to say 'No Drugs' to all of your friends and loved ones. You had your chance to say 'No Drugs' to Six, but it's too late now, little sister. She's gone forever."
But Blossom refused to give up. She got Joey to give her a ride to Six's new apartment on the other side of town. With tears streaming down her face, she banged on the door yelling "No drugs! No drugs, Six! No drugs..."
Suddenly, Six kicked open the door, brandishing a high-powered machine gun. She yelled "In my opinionation, you should mind your own business, bitch!" and turned the gun towards Blossom.
Joey, dumbfounded as always, let out yet another "Whoa."
Clearly annoyed by his interruption, Six aimed the gun at him instead. "Say 'Whoa' to my little friend!" she maniacally shouted as she massacred Joey.
Despite the happy ending, this was one of the show's lowest rated episodes. The storyline was immediately dropped and the rest of series continued on, never again mentioning Joey's death, Six's drug cartel, or more importantly, how either made Blossom feel. Joey Lawrence was nominated for an Emmy, but lost to Mr. Belvedere who humorously revealed his penchants for pedophilia in the "Wrestling Wesley" episode. Consequently, the Blossom episode was never released commercially.
Today, however, I found the limited edition "Step 12: Say 'No Drugs' to 6" wall clock that commemorates the very special show. It is the only surviving remnant of the Blossom's lost episode.
This amazing piece of 90's memorabilia can be yours for only $26 from Franklin Instruments. Follow this link to buy one for yourself so you will always be reminded of the time that Blossom lost her best friend and her brother, but learned the ultimate lesson.
Why does the last line of this weather alert sound more like an invitation than a warning?
Fire Weather Watch
Hudson (New Jersey)
URGENT - FIRE WEATHER MESSAGE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE NEW YORK NY 352 PM EDT THU APR 16 2009
...GUSTY WINDS AND LOW RELATIVE HUMIDITIES EXPECTED FRIDAY AFTERNOON....HIGH PRESSURE BUILDING DOWN FROM ONTARIO WILL MAINTAIN A VERY DRYAIRMASS ACROSS THE REGION ON FRIDAY...DEVELOPING GUSTY WESTSOUTHWEST WINDS IN THE AFTERNOON. THESE WEATHER CONDITIONS...ALONGWITH DRY FINE FUELS...COULD PROMOTE RAPID WILD FIRE GROWTH IF ONEWERE TO START.
I guess I'll make sure not to start any fires tonight.
Just a quick follow-up to the Verizon post from the other day... Today I received a call from the Billing Department informing me that I have an outstanding balance and then they asked me if I'd like to make a payment today. NO I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A PAYMENT TODAY. I JUST WANT YOUR TWO STUPID DEPARTMENTS TO USE THE SAME FUCKING DATABASE SO I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MY SITUATION FOR THE SPERMILLIONTH* TIME.
"Oh yes, I see the $330 equipment charge right here," he said.
Good, now stick it in your very dry ass where it could promote rapid wild fire growth, if one were to start.
* - I haven't decided exactly how "Spermillion" is going to be defined, but I assure you that you'll hear it here first. By the way, you are reading what Blogger is calling Beauty and the RoBeast's 200th entry. I know there a good handful that were never actually posted, but it lumps them right in with the total post count. I'm not going to go back and count all of our posts either, but I can assure you that it's less than 200, and way less than a Spermillion. Regardless, I want to thank everyone for reading and keeping the drive alive.
I've been busy losing a war on technology and have had little energy left to actually type anything into this decaying white box.
The most exhausting series of events over the past few weeks have involved Verizon and my "new" LG Dare mobile phone. Since I have told this story seventeen hundred thousand fucking times (and each time the preamble statistics have grown exponentially), I may as well make a digital record of it. Here goes. Let's try to do this chronomotographicogistically.
2002. I become a Verizon customer.
2002-2008. I remain a loyal Verizon customer and never have any service complaints. At some point I stop using Motorola phones because I had too many charging input issues. I switch to LG and never have a single problem with their phones. Nov. 2008. I have had an LG 8300 over two years and it shows no signs of aging, other than some cosmetic wear. As part of Verizon's New Every Twoprogram, I am eligible for a free or discounted new phone with the two year extension of my contract, but opt not to take advantage of it.
Dec. 2008. I thought I lost my phone, but it was just a false alarm. It is still enough of a wake-up call to make me think a little more seriously about getting another phone as a backup, just in case I ever do lose or break the 8300.
After some intense research and a hands-on demo, I finally decide on a touchscreen phone called the LG Dare. I find the phone on Verizon's website, select the discounted rate with two-year activation, and pay the remaining fee with my debit card.
Amazingly, the phone arrives on my desk the next morning. I open it up and charge it. I play with it for a few minutes, but am too busy to give it much attention. It is the holiday season, and I have a lot of end-of-year work to finish, and I'm also in the process of moving to a new apartment. Simply put, I don't have the time to learn how to use a new phone. I put it back in its box and pack it away.
March 26, 2009 - I get a message from Verizon about a past due payment. I open up my paper bill and discover a $330 equipment charge assessed to me a month earlier. I call up customer service and explain the situation. Apparently, if you acquire a phone via the New Every Two program, you are required to activate your new mobile phone within 10 days, or Verizon will charge you full price for it. They assume that you have sold the phone on Ebay, or worse, activated it on a different carrier. My options at this point:
Pay the $330 equipment charge and continue using the 8300 for as long as I want
Return the new phone and pay a $35 "restocking fee"
Activate the Dare in person at a Verizon Wireless Store (because the original activation code has expired). The store may decide to wave the $35 activation fee because of my circumstances.
March 27 - I pay the monthly charges for February and March on my bill, leaving exactly $330 as the remaining balance.
March 28 - I go to the Verizon Wireless Store at Union Square in Manhattan. A salesman quickly swoops in and asks how I can be assisted. I start explaining my situation and he immediately cuts me off and shuffles me over a sign-in kiosk. I enter my name and get into the service queue. The customer service folks call a name and no one responds. They call the several times, then ask me if I am that person. "No," I say. They decide it's now my turn anyway.
I tell my story again and the person behind the counter tells me that I've probably been charged because I did not return my broken phone when I received my replacement phone. She clearly wasn't paying any attention to my storytelling. I tell her she's got it wrong and attempt to explain again. She then picks up the phone and calls Verizon Customer Service. Yes, the Verizon Customer Service Rep I'm speaking to in person is calling Verizon Customer Service on the phone for assistance. She quickly gives up in trying to explain my situation to the rep on the phone (because she never had a grasp of it in the first place) and then hands the phone to me. The rep on the phone tells me that the problem is not so much that I didn't activate the new phone, but that I did not activate the new two-year contract to receive the discounted price. I assumed that simply purchasing the phone at the discounted two-year contract price was enough to take of that, but I guess I was wrong.
At this point, I am now transferred to another on-site service rep who is better equipped to take care of this mess for me. The rep on the phone and myself both shift over to a new booth. They talk on the phone for a few minutes and it seems everything is now honky dory. They hang up. The on-site rep informs me that I don't even need to activate the new phone at this time if I don't want to. I would rather just get everything wrapped up right there and then, so I go through the activation process. I also get my information transferred over from the old phone to the new phone (another reason I had been holding off putting the new phone to work for so long). They offer to transfer over my pictures and videos as well, but that will require an SD card. Fine, I was probably going to buy one anyway. All done. The LG Dare is in my hand, active, and ready to rock.
March 31 - The Verizon Customer Service rep I had spoken to on the phone while at the store follows up and leaves me a message. The equipment charge still not does appear to have been removed.
April 2 - I call up and explain the story to yet another Customer Service rep. They see that the store has activated my phone, but did not process the renewal of the two-year contract. They are going to send me a copy of my contract so I can manually sign it and return to them for processing. I confirm my correct address.
April 6 - The Verizon Billing Department calls me. My phone is scheduled for shut off because of non-payment. I tell her that I'm still waiting for my contract to arrive so that I can sign it and get the equipment charge removed, and I've in fact already paid the entire bill, except for that charge. She confirms the balance (technically, the balance is less than $330 because I've paid the March monthly charge several weeks in advance of its due date) and will "make a note of this."
April 9 - The phone is shut off. I call Verizon Customer Service, furious due to the lack of communication between the Service and Billing Departments and the constant mishandling of my account. As of the 9th, I still had not received the copy of the contract to sign and resend. It turns out it wasn't mailed until the 5th. The 5th was a Sunday, so really it went out on the 6th. The charge will be removed immediately once the contract is signed, but not until then. She explains my options:
Pay the $330 now and get a credit once the contract is straightened out. I refuse this on principle.
Go to a store and sign in person. Unfortunately, I'm at work, and obviously the store thing didn't work the first time.
Sign the contract when it arrives in the mail. Mail it back. Sit with my useless phone up my ass for a week or more.
What about just getting the phone turned back on until the mess is straightened out? That will have to be worked out with the Billing Department. Then bring on the fucking Billing Department. Again.
I'm transferred over to Billing. A woman with a thick Irish accent answers. I tell her that the only reason my account is being held up is due to a equipment charge that is in the process of being removed and that I've already paid all of my regular monthly usage charges.
"There's no equipment charge here," she says.
"Yes, there's a $330 equipment charge because my two year contract needs to be reactivated. I'm still waiting for that contract to arrive by mail."
"There's no record of any equipment charge. I'm looking here in my records and they don't show anything you're talking about."
"How far do your records go back?"
"All the way back to your first bill," she boasts.
"WHY DON'T YOU TRY GOING BACK ONE MONTH THEN?"
She's still being extremely arrogant with me, mumbling while going over the bill, "Usage... Additional Services... Taxes.. Equipment Charge... $330..."
BINGO, YOU D.F.C.!
"I've already explained all of this to the Billing Department a week ago. She said she would make a note of this."
"It says here she escalated this to a supervisor and your exception was denied."
"It was denied?"
"Yes, it was denied."
"Un-fucking-believable. I've had it. Transfer me back to Customer Service."
............
"Customer service, this is SomeDude, and how are you doing today?"
"Not so great, actually."
"Aw, I'm sorry to hear that. Is there something I can do to help?"
"Yes." And then the eight words that I had no reason to ever say in seven years of being a Verizon customer, came out of my mouth. "I want to cancel my Verizon Wireless service." Little did I realize that those are the magic words to make the Customer Service team go into fucking overdrive.
It was like a switch. I felt like a different person. I felt like a truck. Suddenly, this guy was going to try things to figure out the problem. He would see what he could do with the Billing Department. While on hold, I was already dreaming about what I would do with a Google Phone on T-Mobile, or dare I say it, an iPhone on AT&T. I was fully prepared to dump Verizon if this shit was not fixed by the end of the phone call.
Amazingly, in less than ten minutes, he was able to freeze my account while we wait for the contract to arrive. And in a half-hour, he promised my phone would be turned on again. Quite a turn of events. Sure enough, my phone was reactivated. The contract arrived in the mail on the 11th, and I've since signed and returned it. I'm still getting the hang of the touchscreen technology, and the odd power of having the internet in my pocket at all times, but I'm glad I finally did activate the Dare. I have to be honest, the Verizon's Customer Service people were extremely friendly and understanding to me on the phone, despite my varying degrees of pissedoffedness. The people in Billing and at the store though, not the brightest, and certainly not the most helpful. Motherfuckers were this close || to losing me. We'll see what happens in two years (or sooner).
You have posted content to Yahoo! Answers in violation of our Community Guidelines or Terms of Service. As a result, your content has been deleted. Community Guidelines help to keep Yahoo! Answers a safe and useful community, so we appreciate your consideration of its rules.
Question: should men tweeze their eye brows? Indians only please...?
Question Details:
Deleted Answer: You should tweeze your eye balls out.
Violation Reason:Community Guidelines and/or Terms Of Service Violation
If you feel this content was removed in error, please read the Community Guidelines and make sure that this content: 1. respects the question-answer format and is not chatty or personal communication; 2. does not contain non-relevant links to external sites or other questions and does not promote your own blog or website; 3. is respectful to other people and does not offend other community members. If you still believe this content has been removed in error, please contact Customer Care and tell us why.
I basically signed up to give smartass answers to everything, so I knew that racking up violations was inevitable. I'm not sure how exactly I violated Yahoo's policy with this one. I didn't feel that I was being particularly mean, obscene, or hateful. I also wasn't harassing or threatening this person. I didn't suggest that I personally would hurt the guy in any way--I advised him to hurt himself. Big difference! Besides, tweezing hurts anyway whether it's your eyebrow or eyeball.
I decided to appeal the deletion as this user's question was racist in the first place.
Little did I know that my appeal was being forwarded to Yahoo! India. Another fun fact: Yahoo! India is apparently located in Singapore. Singapore, not exactly known for their liberal sense of humor, had zero interest in my appeal. (Another fun fact: Google's Blogger has zero interest in allowing me to type without using italics anymore. Why do you think I'm angry all the time?)
We have reviewed your appeal request. Upon review we found that your content was indeed in violation of the Yahoo! Answers Community Guidelines, Yahoo! Community Guidelines or the Yahoo! Terms of Service. As a result, your content will remain removed from Yahoo! Answers.
Please note: Questions that do not receive any answers within the 4-day open period will expire and be deleted automatically.
Use of Yahoo! Answers is subject to the Yahoo! Answers Community Guidelines, Yahoo! Community Guidelines, and also the Yahoo! Terms of Service. Members who have violated the Community Guidelines are at risk for review and possible termination of their Answers accounts. In extreme cases, members who have also violated the Yahoo! Terms of Service risk losing their Yahoo! ID and access to other Yahoo! services.
Please review the Yahoo! Answers Community Guidelines here:
Anyway, my original appeal was sent on a form entitled "First Appeal," so I logically presume that I can appeal again. This email from "Louis" suggests otherwise. There is no additional form, no contact information... basically, no recourse other than reviewing their policy over and over. Regardless, I hit reply and gave Yahoo! India a piece o' my mind:
You consider my content inappropriate, but you don't see THE OBVIOUS RACISM IN THE QUESTION? It says "INDIANS ONLY". How is that respecting "a diverse community of people with diverse opinions" as stated in the community guide? If you don't delete that question, I'm going to tweeze my own eyeballs out in protest. You don't want that blood on your hands.
I was tempted to make the subject "Indians only," but decided against it. I never received a response back, but I also can't find the question anymore. Maybe it was deleted, I don't know. This is the RoBeast again, by the way talking in real blog time, so pretend I'm not using block quotes or italics. Blogger obviously wants you to use your imagination since they won't allow me to just fucking type over there with left justification or with plain old text or anything else I want to do. Why would I? It's their blog really. I shouldn't complain because they let me have all this free space and bandwidth for no charge at all. It's not like they track everything I do or anything in exchange for this privilege. It's not like they follow every website I go to and then throw strategic ads at me all fucking day.
Well somehow I broke out of the blockquote, but now I've got a different font that I don't want. At least it looks different. I don't know why I even fucking bother trying to make these blogs visually interesting. I would think that large quoted items such as email messages should be italicized and separated somehow. It makes it easier to read, plus I don't want anyone to think the text is to be read in my voice, but no... I can't fucking do anything I want in Blogger. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS TO CLICK ON AN ITALICS BUTTON AND NOT HAVE THE GOD DAMNED ITALICS GO AWAY. GO AWAY ITALICS. BLOGGER YOU PIECE OF SHIT, JUST DO WHAT I WANT. IF YOU KNOW ANYONE THAT WORKS ON BLOGGER, I WANT YOU TO TELL THEM TO TWEEZE THEIR FUCKING EYEBALLS OUT.
JIHAD AGAINST YAHOO AND GOOGLE. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. I KNOW THAT'S NOT SOMETHING INDIANS DO, BUT I'VE BEEN READING A LOT ABOUT MUSLIM BATHROOM HABITS LATELY AND EVERYTHING IS SETTING ME OFF. I GOT LIKE 13 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND IT'S ALL RUINED NOW. I JUST CAN'T RELAX. I WANNA GET FREE.
The Pearl Jam Unplugged DVD being released tomorrow has achieved a very disappointing trifecta--the set is edited, rearranged, and incomplete. I will most likely not be shelling out any money for that bullshit.
Here is the original set list:
01. Oceans 02. State of Love and Trust 03. Alive 04. Black 05. Jeremy 06. Porch 07. Even Flow 08. Rockin' in the Free World
Of that set, only "Alive," "Black," "Jeremy," and "Porch" made it to the original cable broadcast. "Even Flow" had also been aired a handful of times, but always separate from MTV's half-hour Unplugged broadcast. The remaining rare tracks and in-between stage banter have been passed around on the internet for years, complete with the exciting time code on the bottom of the screen.
From what I've gathered on message boards and press releases, "Oceans" and "State of Love and Trust" have been added to the DVD. "Rockin' in the Free World" has not. Also, "Even Flow" shows up out of order. It will appear super-obviously out of order as the end of "Porch" features Eddie Vedder standing up on his stool and writing "PRO-CHOICE!!!" on his arm in black marker. Now, you'll see it written on his arm earlier in the set, before he actually writes it there. I know it sounds like a ridiculous thing to get hung up on. Just bear with me, I am about to get more insane.
At the end of "Oceans," the vocals have been altered from the original recording (I would have preferred to underline the predicate to show my outrage, but alas, Blogger has decided that underlining is not such an important tool, and I don't feel like typing out the code the old school way... so you get italics instead). Eddie Vedder has a tendency to alter his own lyrics in concert, and towards the end of the MTV version of "Oceans" he amended "Ohhhhh, ohhhhhh" to "Ohhhhh, Beth," a tribute to his girlfriend at the time. Apparently on the DVD, the references to Beth are removed and replaced with a "grunt" of some sort. No edit is made to the visual portion.
I'm assuming they thought no one would notice, but someone did, and they pointed it out on the Pearl Jam Ten Club message board. To be honest, I have not heard the unplugged version of "Oceans" that many times and would probably not have noticed myself, but now that I know, I think it's lametarded. While I am 100% on board with them remixing Ten and changing the audio, they fully disclose this on the packaging and in press releases. People are going to be buying this Ten re-release expressly for the purpose of hearing an altered version of the album. There was never any mention of the Unplugged set being altered.
They should have taken a page from Alice in Chains and Nirvana, who released (as far as I know) complete versions of their Unplugged sessions. Those packages wisely included the fuck-ups and false starts. That's the shit I love, man! The charm of live sets is realism and spontaneity. Eddie Vedder screws up the lyrics to "Black" and they kept that in there (as far as I know). Why would they change anything else? Yeah, I know it's your fucking song and you can do whatever you want with it, but it's just tacky to try to change history. I sort of embarrassed by how bothered I am by this. It just doesn't seem very Rock n' Roll to me. I can't figure out the reasoning behind this. Was her name that painful to hear? Did Beth threaten to sue? Did the band complain? I just don't get it. People, stop editing shit! GO TAKE THE FUCKING HARMONICA OUT OF FOOTSTEPS AND THROW BETH BACK IN THE OCEAN!
Keep on Rocking* in the Free World, fuckers.
(* The extra g is for Greedo Shoots First.)
In other quick news, I had a dream the other night that Sean Penn died, so I apologize to his family if The Curse of The RoBeast kills him in the next few weeks. As for Natasha Richardson, I never mentioned her name here before, but I think something must have rubbed off of Liam Neeson. Sorry.
I was listening to the radio on Monday morning and noticed that Opie and Anthony were gone--a step in the right direction, in my opinion. Instead of those tools, they were playing rock blocks. I was hoping they were just keeping the morning slot warm for Booker, who just moved back to the station two months ago. I should have read the newspapers, because my theory was very wrong.
On the way home from work today, I stopped at Party City (the coolest place in the world). When I went in, there was rock music playing. When I returned to my car, it was fucking Eminem coming out of my speakers. I checked to see if accidentally put Z100 on, but I was wrong again. At 5pm today, the rock was over. 92.3 "NOW" is currently playing Top 40. Apparently they are playing 10,000 songs in a row with no commercials. There don't appear to be any jocks either. WTFUCK?
Speaking of the destruction of New York City, I spotted what was obviously a C.H.U.D. attack in the Village a couple weeks ago:
Ok, well, it may have been the Wolfen. The DNA samples haven't come back from the lab yet. Either way, I'd rather be attacked by an Urban Monster than be subjected to another fucking Top 40 station.
Fortunately, Matt Pinfield is here to save us:
Hey everyone- it's Matt!
NYC just lost another rock station…the legendary K-Rock. We are sad that many people have lost jobs and that the New York rock scene just lost an outlet. We play a lot of the music that K-Rock embraced, so we would appreciate your support if K-Rock was previously your preferred station.
And, to our faithful listeners, we appreciate your help in spreading the word about 101. 9 RXP-The New York Rock Experience! Maybe you can convert some old K-Rock listeners!
We thank you deeply for your support and welcome your feedback!
Now that I think about it, I've seen Matt Pinfield tear up dumpster bins with his bare hands in the past. Maybe this is all part of his master plan to scare us into the hands of Alternative Radio. I'm on to you, Pinfield. I'm on to you.
I feel like I've been mandated by the people today to talk about the new Snapple bottles. We've had the new Orangeade bottles for a few weeks now, but I guess nobody noticed. I think that was originally the point for the update: no one was buying the Snapple juices, so they gave them a new package and more sugar. Today, I put out several other new flavors, and it's all I've been hearing all morning. We even had a fire in the building today (well, technically, on the building) but Snapple is the only thing on people's mindz.
This blog comes just on the heels of the Great Tropicana Complaint, which resulted in Pepsico recalling the updated design. I don't anticipate Snapple doing the same thing, but it's amazing what complaining will get you. Just as a reminder, I didn't have any serious complaints about the Tropicana design, other than the color coding issues between flavors. It seems that I have the same exact complaint for this new Snapple bottle, specifically on the diet bottles. I'm not worried about telling the difference between Snapple and generic teas, but I can not tell the difference between diet flavors quick enough. Diet Peach Tea is a very similar color to the Diet Lemonade Iced Tea. I know that I have the ability to read, but I work with dozens of cases of Snapple at a time, and the lack of definitive color differences slows me down. The regular flavored tea and juice seem to have held on to their original color schemes, but the diets have been completely overhauled. I can imagine this will bother consumers.
Actually, I don't need to imagine because quite a number of them have mentioned this to me today. The other big problem the has everyone freaking out is the lack of the safety plastic around the cap. Maybe in reality, there's no real protection with those plastic things, but to consumers, they're used to the security feature and aren't too keen on giving them up. There's still the pop up cap, but it looks like that's the extent. Snapple bottles are now as unhygienic as... gasp... cans!
Other than that, the bottles are slim (and taller), smooth (non-textured glass other than the "S" logo on top), and serious (no more quirky notes in the margins). If those things keep costs from rising, then that's fine with me. Every bottle and their cute little copy is trying to flirt with me anyway and it's gotten lame. Don't they know that Bland is the new Quirk.
All right, you want pictures? You got it.
Here are two different Diet Snapple Teas. QUICK, PICK YOUR FAVORITE!
IT'S TOO LATE, YOU PICKED THE WRONG YELLOWISH BOTTLE WITH YELLOWISH FRUIT! YOU LOSE, AMERICAN ASSHOLE!
Here are two more bottles. Both are Orangeade, but has the old school green juice cap and the other has the silver robocap of the future! DROP YOUR WEAPONS!
Here's some more fun cap action. Lemonade on the left, Raspberry on the right, and the bastard child in the center. I have a feeling that with the new bottle transition, they've been putting any old cap on bottles and sending them out just to get rid of them.
Here's a closeup of the new serious bottle.
Another close-up but a little more focused now. This one reveals the odd similarities between the "Made From Green & Black Tea Leaves" and the Green & Black's organic chocolate logo.
First off, the Beauty's little babe joined IRL earlier this week. Maeve Lililm was born at 7:24 pm on March 3rd. No word on her Twitter name yet. Congratulations, partner.
On to the blogginating. Pearl Jam is re-releasing their debut album Ten along with a remixed version with bonus track on March 24th. I played their crazy Pearl Jam Ten Game in order to unlock tracks from the album so I could (sort of) review them for you. Personally, I've been looking forward to a remix because I think the original version is gross. My first Pearl Jam album was the much slicker Vs. and I've never really been satisfied with Ten, preferring live, remixed, and radio versions of the tracks. Hopefully now, I can stop complaining.
These were the tracks I listened to this morning:
Once - Nice mix, finally. The original Ten had way to much reverb everywhere--on snares, on vocals, on every fart recorded in the isolation booth--and I'm pleased to say that most of it is now gone. The guitars don't sound like the seventies anymore and the vocals don't sound amateur. And the bass is right up there too. I probably would have liked to see some of the mumbly background Vedder-patter removed, but I can deal with it.
Why Go - Again, most of the musical cheese here is gone, so we're just left with the corny lyrics. Yeah, it's their debut album, so they needed some aggressive stuff to go along with the purdy parts. When I personally revist Ten, I really only want to hear "Black", "Oceans", and "Release" because I'm an old pussy now I guess. When I was younger, I would listen to these "tougher, angry" tracks like "Why Go" and "Deep" because I didn't know what tough and angry was yet (Hint: it usually isn't saturated in reverb or wah-wah pedals). Ok, the song still isn't heavier, but it definitely sounds better. I noticed an extra hi-hat hit at the first "Why go home?" part that I never heard before followed by some vocal effects that are actually cornier now than they were 20 years ago. Bad Brendan O'Brien! You lose, American asshole!
Jeremy - Sounds good. I think this was remixed for the video in the first place anyway. The only major differences I hear between this mix and the already remixed remix mix are more defined background vocals throughout and some guitars cleaned up during the verses and towards the end. Actually, the drums sound better too, like they're being hit harder somehow. Improved when I didn't think there was room for improvement.
Breath - A sluggish and unnecessary take. Ok, I can hear the lyrics better, but it's still an inferior version to the one recorded for the Singles soundtrack. I know it's big deal when they do it live, but I don't care for that either. I don't want to clearly hear the line "A breath and a scream." I want to hear the line slur into the next line ("A breath and a s-Oh, reach the door...") because it simply flows better. It's not horrible, but I just can't imagine ever purposely listen to this version.
Brother - This song blows as much as it did in the 90's. I've read that band members used to fight about whether or not to ever play or record this track. This song really shouldn't have seen the light of day. I don't know why any radio stations are playing it now.
Besides "Brother" and "Breath," there are 4 other B-sides being included on the O'Brien remastered disc: "Just a Girl," "State of Love and Trust," "2,000 Mile Blues",and "Evil Little Goat." Of these, I think I'm only famililar with "State of Love and Trust" which again, I don't think can possibly be improved from the Singles movie soundtrack version. I've heard a two second snippet of "State of Love and Trust" and it sounds a little slower, but with the snare in double time. I don't know how I feel about that.
Now you may be asking "Where are the re-recorded versions of 'Alive' and 'Even Flow' I hear still on the radio that Pearl Jam already had done in the 90s for their MTV videos with drummer Dave Abruzzeze that were way better than the Ten versions"? That's what I'm asking too. I don't know the answer. I never owned those versions because they were always on expensive imports, but I thought they were so good that it ruined the album versions for me. I don't think remixes of the original will surpass those versions. They may have been on that Rearviewmirror greatest hits package that came out 5 or so years ago. I didn't buy that, so I don't know. You can do the research.
The 2-disc collection comes with the original Ten (why?) and the O'Brien remix. The Deluxe Edition comes with the MTV Unplugged DVD, which is what I'll probably be picking up. I really hope it's the complete version though, with the unaired "Even Flow," "State of Love and Trust," "Rockin' in the Free World," and "Oceans." The press release only mentions "Oceans" but the website also has "Even Flow" playing. I don't know why they wouldn't just give a complete tracklisting to appease crazies like me who are sitting here wasting precious blogspace wondering all day and night. It's nice to hear that they didn't correct Eddie Vedder's lyrical flub during "Black." Pearl Jam's Lost Dogs B-side compilation album a few years featured lots of vocal recordings on old songs and they were all awkward and inferior.
There's also a vinyl version called the Who Fucking Cares About Vinyl Edition?
The Collector's Edition has all that plus a live concert LP from Seattle entitled "You Probably Don't Need Another Pearl Jam Concert Because We Have Already Released A Thousand, But Here It Is Anyway: Live." You also get a cassette version of the original Pearl Jam demo tape called "Momma-Son." This is the one that was sent as an instrumental to Eddie Vedder and which he sang lyrics over and blah blah blah history. I've heard these tracks before. They're interesting, but like most demos, they're really nothing to ever listen to over and over again. I don't even have a cassette player. Finally, this set comes with an "Eddie Vedder style composition notebook" which I probably would've studied 20 years ago, but now I don't have any time or room for. I can't imagine that it will be as long or as personal as the Kurt Cobain diary anyway. Therefore, I have no intention of spending $125 for all that junk. Even $28 is a tough sell for the Deluxe Edition, when I don't know for sure what's on the DVD and I don't really need another copy of the original Ten mix.
I don't know what else Pearl Jam has in store: "The reissue of Ten serves as the launch of a planned two-year catalogue re-release campaign leading up to the band's 20th anniversary in 2011." Does that mean they'll be giving disc the remix and special packaging treatment? If so, it seems a little like overkill. Especially because I don't want to have to write a blog entry for each one.
I just got the memo that Tropicana's new logo is being dumped after only a few months of being out on the market. I'm going to go against the grain today (and my own grain which was already going against the grain) and say that I sorta liked the new design. To me, a giant glass of orange juice is way more appealing to my senses then a sweaty fucking orange impaled by a straw. But enough people disagreed, publicly complained, and Tropicana paid attention.
And wasted a whole bunch of money. Maybe if they had taken the "If it ain't broke" opinion of the complainers, they wouldn't have spent that money in the first place, but how much will Tropicana lose on top of that $35 million having to switch back? I don't know, I don't play for the MBA, but I do understand why big companies don't "Don't fix it." Yes, it's partially selfish. Ok, almost totally selfish (fist shaking at corporations), but change does need to happen. Everything needs a little shot in the ass every once in while, whether it's your job, your music, your fashion, your sex life, your website, your use of the term et cetera, etc. As much as it is commerce, it's art too.
Ok, I admit the color code differentiation between the pulp levels could be a little more distinct, but just looking at these cartons make me want to drink the shit out of some juice, man. I know everything is being 2.0'd to death and I know I bitch about it sometimes, but ease up sheeple. I'm reading blogs about people's kids being upset by the new carton because they think they're getting cheap generic juice now. Fuck you and fuck your stupid kids. Can't they read? It still says Tropicana. You think this is a good message for kids?
Brands are trending towards more generic looks. They refuse to give up their prices, so they're altering their packaging. People will start accidentally buying Tropicana thinking it's Targetcana. That's what they want. Then, generic brands will try to buck the trend by changing their own artwork, and the whole definition of generic artwork will be redefined, making the "It looks generic" argument obsolete. Yay, history!
I haven't checked up to see what other changes Pepsico (owners of the Tropicana brand) have been up to, but I hear that brand designs are changing across the boards and people are bugging out. If you are going to stop buying orange juice that you've loved for years because you're too repulsed by innocuous artwork, then maybe you're a little too sensitive for citrus.
The RoBeastress and I went for a long romantic walk on Valentine's Day. At Target. We went there with no intentions of buying anything, and left accomplishing that goal. We laughed, we held hands, we canoodled, but we did not take out our wallets at all! It was totally awesome!!!
I've actually discovered that Target has an untapped wealth of inspiration for this blog. I would like to start go there more frequently, walk around, and just take pictures of interesting things I find. There was this cool toy:
With this note on the side:
The snake's name must be Snarky. That was the only picture I snapped on that trip, but I need to go back tonight, so I will do some more exploring.
I am stocking up on supplies for my upcoming vacation to the Dominican Republic. I know it seems like I've been vacation from this blog since 2008, so I have a lot making up to do. I promise I will come back with photos and posts in hand. Ok? USA?
No, that's not my car, but the fingerwriter was on my hand. Does that make me a bad person?
While you ponder that, I've got a couple more things I want you to think about and discuss. My first question I would like solved for selfish reasons. I am writing a song and while I tend to ignore lyrics, I do obsess over my own. I am trying to use the word "Irony" and I worry that Alanis Morissette fucked it up for the rest of us. Not simply by writing a shitty song, but by also using the word incorrectly and causing me to second guess my own use of the term that I once thought I understood.
I posed a scenario to some friends yesterday related to my lyrical dilemma. Keep in mind that I did not come right and share the lyrics as the song is not complete and have a problem with showing half-finished work. Instead I constructed a cockamamie parallel that in retrospect, may take on a more interesting life of its own. But I digress.
Here's my caffeine and math metal fueled email:
Irony & Oxymoron
My top level question is "Is oxymoron inherently ironic?" If not, then keep reading my scenario and let me know if, and when the situation becomes ironic.
Jumbo Shrimp is a common oxymoron, but let's say I have an elephant and I name him Shrimp. If he's still a baby or just relatively small for an elephant, is the name ironic just because he's elephant? What if he grows up to be ridiculously large for an elephant? Is that ironic (the name and/or the situation)? And what if this giant elephant named Shrimp doesn't actually like to eat shrimp? What if he especially doesn't like to eat jumbo shrimp? What if he dies eating jumbo shrimp? Is anything here ironic?
Kirk's stance:
The answer to all your questions below is, "Yes."
Regardless of your reason for naming the elephant "Shrimp," it is still an ironic name for an elephant. Unless that elephant only grows to be as large as an actual shrimp (which is impossible, but I'm stating it just for the sake of argument). Now, if you named an actual shrimp "Jumbo," I would argue that the name "Jumbo" is not ironic for a shrimp. It's clever, but not ironic. Especially if it's a jumbo shrimp.
The ideal situation in which both irony and sincerity were in absolute perfect balance would be if science could somehow fuse elephant DNA with shrimp DNA, and give the resulting animal the name "Jumbo Shrimp." That name would be neither ironic nor sincere, resulting in a well-balanced sense of self in the animal. It would be very well-adjusted socially. Of course, the actual name of the type of animal we are speaking of would be "flagellaphant" because of its ability to flap its gigantic shrimp-like tail in a flagella-like manner, to speed itself across the ocean and attack our enemies with the deadly force of its armoured tusks.
The RoBeastress response:
Have you completely lost your mind?
She did go on say that she doesn't think it was ironic until we found the elephant named Shrimp doesn't like to eat shrimp. I'm not sure what I think anymore. I also don't know if my example applies to my lyrical scenario as much as I originally thought. Let me try this:
There's a guy and everyone calls him Tiny because he's got a really small penis. Not ironic at all. To make up for a lifetime of ridicule, he decides to race trucks with giant tires. In fact, he becomes the most famous monster truck racer ever, and names his vehicle Bigfoot just to drive the point home. Yay for him. But then one day, scientists finally capture the once-thought mythical creature Bigfoot and it turns out that Bigfoot actually has the smallest penis out of all the creatures in the forest. Even smaller than Tiny's microphallus. Is Tiny's life just become ironic, or was it the whole time after he named his truck Bigfoot? Did the discovery of Bigfoot's small penis then make Tiny's life unironic? Did Bigfoot actually steal the irony from Tiny, like some Iron-y Transfer? What if Tiny bought a penis pump now? Would that just fuck everything up?
Unfortunately, I don't think this story parallels my original dilemma enough to draw any conclusions from the answers, but there's no sense in deleting it now. I guess I need to think about this some more.
The other thing I've been thinking about lately is the difference between urgency and emergency. Both seem to refer a situation in need of immediate care, but is one more immediate than the other? Is one more a surprise than the other? Emergency is so much more prevelant in signage, but urgency seems just as applicable, no? Maybe it's just for the sake of consistency (I had to reword that phrase to avoid a possible apostrophe mistake), but think of all the money we'd save by just using the shorter word. Urgency Room. Urgency Exit. Urgency Response Unit. I've already saved the world 6 letters! You're welcome.
The only concrete answers I've found so far (because I'm not looking that hard and don't feel like it right now) refer specifically to the realm of Hypertension:
What is the difference between urgency and emergency?
Urgency denotes severe hypertension (HTN), typically with diastolic blood pressure (DBP) > 130 mmHg, without symptoms or evidence of end-organ damage. The term accelerated hypertension falls in this category, where retinal exudates and hemorrhages are often present.
Emergency is an acute, life-threatening elevation in BP with evidence of vascular injury + end-organ damage. The term malignant hypertension falls in this category, typified by papilledema.
According these folks, Emergency is more of an urgency than Urgency. I can accept that if someone else finds me some more evidence. That's all for now, penis pumps.
I don't know what's going on over at the DPS Factory, but it sure the hell ain't spellcheckin'. I spotted this today and got a little chuckle out of it:
Now I don't have an MBA, but I'm pretty sure that STEW A RAT is not a desirable name for a beverages brand. Ok, so I wasn't originally planning to take a picture of this and post it because it was a simple spelling error. I make mistakes all the time and let them fly into the pubic area*, so I didn't want to pick on anybody. I'm not the asshole that anonymous PETA supporters portray me as, after all.
Amazingly though, it turns out that I am the asshole this time, because I did in fact take pictures, and I did in fact upload them to My Verizon Pix Place, then I did in fact download them, and I did in fact upload them one by one through Blogger's weak image upload tool. Why? Because two feet away from the mislabeled 24-pack of Stewart's Diet Orange Soda, I spotted another typo!
Stooowurrzzzizzz Black Cherry! I double chuckled and then started desparately digging through my stockpile o' soft drinks for more mistakes, but I only found the correct versions.
Not funny. I hope the person that is in charge of imprinting these cardboard cases is mispelling the brand name on purpose. I hope it's a disgruntled employee getting his or her kicks by warping the image of the hand that feeds him or her. He or she should get a promotion to king or queen. And then we should worship his or her hairy or manicured feet.
If that existed, I would collect that shit like Snapple Caps (my favorite of which, and technically, the only Snapple cap I've ever really saved was the one with the Real Fact "Beavers were once the size of bears")... Speaking of Snapple Caps, moments after the Stewart's debacle, I spotted a case of Snapple Lemon Iced Tea... with green caps?
Another error at the DSP Factory? Call me a completely insane person who obsesses over beverages all fucking day long, but I thought the Snapple cap scheme went thusly:
Blue Cap - Iced Tea Green Cap - Juice Drink Yellow Cap - Lemonade White Cap - All Diet Products
Who dares to fuck with the system? And how are blind people going to pick out the right flavor now? Inquiring minds want to know.
