New Gmail Labels

My inbox won't let go of the summer yet either. 

FuckYouTube?

I really can't wait to find out why this happened.

I Saw You Binging Your Wife on the Internet

My mp3 battery was completely drained this morning, so I flipped on the Fresh 102.7 for part of my commute (I'll save my bizarre attraction to this station for another post). A "not too old, not too light" song was coming to end and one of the morning hosts (Jim Douglas, of Jim & Kim) began a live commercial for Microsoft's search engine Bing. Well, technically it may have been a prerecorded commercial, but the point is that it was one of those testimonial type commercial that an on-air personality handles. I assume that advertisers feel this style raises the trust level by having a familiar voice throwing the pitch at you.  It also tricks listeners into not realizing they're hearing a commercial, and it probably saves the client money because they don't have to pay an audio production house put a slick radio ad together. Personally, I always feel like these pitches are phony, but what do I know, I'm just the catcher (in the rye).

Anyway, Jim starts his Bing spiel and for the "personal touch" portion of the ad, he brings up a vague anecdote about getting his wife a present.  Now, Jim is a consummate radio guy with a clear, professional radio voice, so I really can't tell if he's speaking from his heart or simply reading from a script--it all sort of sounds the same to me. My guess is that the Bing folks have some "make-sure-to-throw-this-in" bullet points on a piece of a paper, and it's up to him to string them into a coherent monologue.

Basically, Jim's story so matter-of-factly described him not knowing what gift to get his wife, but thanks to Bing, all he had to do was click a button to dig through his wife's search history for ideas. And because Bing so conveniently categorizes search history, he had no problem deducing what to buy her (probably that special rock t-shirt she wanted so damn much). While I don't think Jim's story really happened, I am confident that Bing wants it to happen... all the time. Is it just me, but doesn't this seem like sort of a potentially evil way to promote your search engine? I've only used Bing a few times, and I assume that this feature can be voluntarily turned on or off much like search history on Google. I also don't know what the default setting is, or if people are informed that their searches are being logged and categorized. I certainly don't think most people are aware that others are being encouraged to go check your search history when you aren't around and they're stumped on a gift idea. I realize the realization that in reality there's really no privacy on the internet, especially with search engines, but secretly going through your spouse's search history seems a bit like an invasion of it to me. 

It's possible that I'm just overanalyzing something rooted in good-natured intention. There is presented a problem we can all relate to--being stumped on gift ideas--and Bing is simply stepping in with a logical solution to that problem.  But paranoid me wonders if it's really that simple. I'm sure I could come up with great ideas for gifts by reading your secret diary, looking at your credit card statements, hiring a private investigator to follow you around all day, or implanting a miniature video camera in your glasses that records your window-shopping habits, but those are clear lines we shouldn't be crossing. Is search history any different? Is it just a 2010 version of circling items in a catalog, or is it more complicated?

Just knowing the search terms that bring people to this website make me afraid of what people might find looking in their partners' history. The 19 people looking for a "centaur sex doll" would obviously be easy to shop for, but what do you give your husband when you find the term "extended labia lady gaga" in his search history? Something tells me he's going to get a hard time and not the Deluxe Edition of The Fame Monster.

I know when it comes down to it, maybe it's good that we're being encouraged not to hide things from each other. I mean, I get a little voyeuristic kick out of knowing what people are searching for and how they end up on my site. And yeah, I can narrow things down to their city and type of web browser they use, but it's still quite anonymous. It's a different story when you start at the other end--knowing the person and the search--and speculate over where they ended up. I can't even imagine what my internet searches say about me. 

Now here's my anecdote... Last Xmas, I got a bunch of DVDs from the RoBeastress that were suspiciously familiar. I must say that I felt a little uncomfortable when she admitted that she spied on me while I was browsing FYE, and took notes on what I pulled off the shelf to inspect closely. As it turned out, some of her choices were on the mark and some weren't. My crude conclusion is that simply browsing someone's browsing is just not necessarily an accurate way to measure their degree of interest. Personally, I disable search logs, so I can't analyze my own search habits (and more importantly, so others can't either). I do know that I like my humor black and my entertainment edgy, so my internet searches tend to run on the curiously morbid side. I can't imagine what would happen if The RoBeastress had relied on my internet history in search of ideas. I'd probably have ended up with The Best of Russian Army Executions and Beheadings Volume 8 in my stocking. With Tubgirl wrapping paper. 

BING!

Google's April Fool's Joke sucks.

Topeka? Meh. It would be ten thousand times funnier if they change the name to China, and redirect all searches to Chinese websites.

Someone is FUCKING with me

I don't know who, but it's someone that has a stick up their ass with "agenda" written all over it. I'm not sure if I mean "agenda" is written on the stick or the person's ass, but I think you get the point. The thing I have to spend time bitching about today is the ramifications of my SafeSearch filter being stuck in the ON position.


I went apeshit this morning because I was trying to search specific terms related to this blog, and nothing was coming up. I couldn't even search the site with the on-site Google search tool in the sidebar. The only hits I got were references to "beautyandtherobeast.blogspot.com" on other sites and links by my blogmigos.

I immediately started asking around on Twitter to see if anyone was having the same problem, but everything worked fine for everybody except me. I frantically started typing a question on the Google Help Forum, but wanted to gather some more research first. I went into GChat and grabbed the first person on the list to run a search for me. Alan from NegativePop had no issues with his search results and then suggested that maybe it was a search filter problem on my end. I checked my settings and that was exactly it.

But...
...my "Do not filter" circle is clearly checked off. So what gives?

I went to Bing and this website didn't show up until the 2nd page of search results. It at least showed up this time, but I was still stuck on the Strict level of their Safesearch. Yahoo's got me defaulted at the middle level of Safesearch:

There, beautyandtherobeast.blogspot.com comes up first, but I still can't change the filter settings to what I really want! Why can't I change it?

Turns out that my computer isn't the only computer in the building stuck on this setting (I'm at work, I should've mentioned that earlier. I'm, uh, writing this on my lunch break, obviously). For years, IT has banned us from viewing image hosting sites, personal storage sites, dating sites, adult sites, and any site that the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Exposions would be interested in (though strangely, I can go to their site), but now it seems that they would like to limit our searches as well. And of course I understand why--they're trying to protect their computers from harmful badstuffs. Talk about a killjoy though. Is my site really so subversive to corporate culture that someone wearing a tie shouldn't be able to accidentally stumble on my ideas via the Google Search engine? Pffft, Braaaap, & Thwick.

These highly entertaining sound effects beg another question: Why is this blog being filed under Explicit or Adult? Gio's blog is showing on the first page of search results on Google, and a huge portion of his content is devoted to porn reviews. Jay's Sexy Armpit (which I will now refer to as Sex-Pit for short) isn't explicit at all, but it does have the word "Sex" in the title. That is able to pass through the Safesearch filter with no problem, but mine isn't. (Don't worry boys, I'm not trying to throw you under the bus... just giving you some free plugs!) Maybe naked girls being posted is Adult Content, but drawing Nintendo tattoos on them definitely makes it kewl for the kiddies, right? No? Ok, well then I blame teh Beauty's centaur porn posts (which coincidentally makes up 99.23987% of the traffic here). As a fan of things that come with warning labels, I will wear this as a badge of honor.

Here's something I just discovered: my computer isn't the only computer in the building stuck on this setting (I'm at work, I should've mentioned that earlier. I'm, uh, writing this on my lunch break, obviously). For years, IT has banned us from viewing image hosting sites, personal storage sites, dating sites, adult sites, and any site that the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Exposions would be interested in (though strangely, I can go to their site), but now it seems that they would like to limit our searches as well. And of course I understand why--they're trying to protect their computers from harmful badstuffs. Talk about a killjoy though. Is my site really so subversive to corporate culture that someone wearing a tie shouldn't be able to accidentally stumble on my ideas via the Google Search engine? Pffft, Braaaap, & Thwick.

Obviously, I'll find a way around my search problem (I'm having no problems with unfiltered searches on Dogpile, Altavista, Ask, etc.), but I think it is incredibly lame to now know that anyone with a strict filter, whether it be self-imposed, accidental, or mandated, won't find this entry. I have no intentions of playing the game and cleaning things up to get my PG-13 rating, so your dirty, hairy, foul-mouthed RoBeast lives on.

Take that Mr. Poopy Pants.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Google News Headline: Nor'easter to Destroy the Children of the Corn

While dicking around on Twitter this morning (@RobeastRollie, if you're wondering) I stumbled on "Doodle 4 Google." Being a big fan of MS Paint and other Lo-Fi scribblers, I dig coloring contests that don't require any serious amount of artistic talent. Just in case you refused to click the link, here's a quick synopsis of what Doodle 4 Google is:

Welcome to Doodle 4 Google, a competition where we invite K-12 students to play around with our homepage logo and see what new designs they come up with. This year we're inviting U.S. kids to join in the doodling fun, around the intriguing theme "What I Wish for the World."

Right now they are having a public online vote to narrow down each of the 4 age groups to one winner, then an overall winner will be chosen next week. The winner gets a scholarship and a computer and their doodle on a t-shirt and the Google homepage on May 21st , so I donated 5 minutes of my life to voting on the current round of finalists. Here are the entries I voted for:

Name: Johnny Zuk Age: 6
School: MONROE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
City, State: Monroe, CT

I voted for this one because the singing e's head is on fire and that's fucking punk rock, man. If this kid wins the laptop, I want to write to him and get him to draw Plowing Mud Forever's next album cover.

Name: Courtney Bodine Age: 11
School: MOORESTOWN UPPER ELEMENTARY
City, State: Moorestown, NJ

This one's cool because I dig animals and the tiger looks really badass just chilling up in the tree. I think he's just waiting for everyone to stop talking about peace so he can eat the bird.

Name: Abigail Kois Age: 12

School: GANADA MIDDLE SCHOOL

City, State: Walworth, NY

In middle school, I had my bedroom decorated with paper clips. It was the dorkiest thing in the world, but I had thousands of paper clips of various colors and sizes linked up and draped from the ceiling circling the room. Personally, I think this should have incorporated a little variety within each letter, but this design looks really clean and simple and most importantly, appeals to my dork side.

Name: Jeff Warner Age: 16
School: BRADFORD AREA HIGH SCHOOL
City, State: Bradford, PA

This one is also pretty clean and simple, but at the same time, is completely action packed. And it works in FOUR DIMENSIONS! I like that the kid anticipates the destruction of the 2.0-zone layer in the future. Instead of whitespace, he opts instead for hazy blackspace. Now that's a future Robocop can defend. Pastel Robocop at least.

And now I'm donating an extra few minutes to overanalyze my votes. The four age groups (Kindergarten - Grade 3, Grade 4 - Grade 6, Grade 7 - Grade 9, Grade 10 - Grade 12) are further split into ten US Regional categories. I looked at all of the entries equally, and made my selections, and my favorites all ended up coming from Region 1 or 2, made up of Northeastern states.

Region 1:

Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Vermont

Region 2:

New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania

This was completely unintentional of me, but does it truly prove my Nor'Eastern snobbery? Maybe the kids up here have somehow mastered implanting subconscious triggers in their artwork to set off a positive aesthetic reactions in other Northeasterners brains? Or maybe Northeastern kids simply are better doodlers than the rest of the country? We could place some of the blame on Google for injecting a little bias into the contest by calling the Northeastern regions 1 and 2 and displaying them first on the voting pages. The winner also gets a free trip to Google's New York office, so maybe Google is pushing for a winner that will cost the least to transport. OMG IT'S A CONSPIRACY! VOTE FOR THE KID ON THE GRASSY KNOLL ACROSS THE STREET!

All jokes aside (there is no grassy knoll across the street from the Google New York office), I'm asking y'all* to go vote. Yes, I know that even if you don't vote there will still be a prize awarded, but a lot of traffic and attention is probably what will keep this program and other programs like it going year after year. Plus if we keep kids in school drawing all the time, it will stop them from sexting so damn much. Go!

*See, I can appeal to other regions of the US.

The Verizon also sets

I've been busy losing a war on technology and have had little energy left to actually type anything into this decaying white box.

The most exhausting series of events over the past few weeks have involved Verizon and my "new" LG Dare mobile phone. Since I have told this story seventeen hundred thousand fucking times (and each time the preamble statistics have grown exponentially), I may as well make a digital record of it. Here goes. Let's try to do this chronomotographicogistically.

2002. I become a Verizon customer.

2002-2008. I remain a loyal Verizon customer and never have any service complaints. At some point I stop using Motorola phones because I had too many charging input issues. I switch to LG and never have a single problem with their phones.

Nov. 2008. I have had an LG 8300 over two years and it shows no signs of aging, other than some cosmetic wear. As part of Verizon's New Every Two program, I am eligible for a free or discounted new phone with the two year extension of my contract, but opt not to take advantage of it.

Dec. 2008. I thought I lost my phone, but it was just a false alarm. It is still enough of a wake-up call to make me think a little more seriously about getting another phone as a backup, just in case I ever do lose or break the 8300.

After some intense research and a hands-on demo, I finally decide on a touchscreen phone called the LG Dare. I find the phone on Verizon's website, select the discounted rate with two-year activation, and pay the remaining fee with my debit card.

Amazingly, the phone arrives on my desk the next morning. I open it up and charge it. I play with it for a few minutes, but am too busy to give it much attention. It is the holiday season, and I have a lot of end-of-year work to finish, and I'm also in the process of moving to a new apartment. Simply put, I don't have the time to learn how to use a new phone. I put it back in its box and pack it away.

March 26, 2009 - I get a message from Verizon about a past due payment. I open up my paper bill and discover a $330 equipment charge assessed to me a month earlier. I call up customer service and explain the situation. Apparently, if you acquire a phone via the New Every Two program, you are required to activate your new mobile phone within 10 days, or Verizon will charge you full price for it. They assume that you have sold the phone on Ebay, or worse, activated it on a different carrier. My options at this point:

• Pay the $330 equipment charge and continue using the 8300 for as long as I want
  
• Return the new phone and pay a $35 "restocking fee"
  
• Activate the Dare in person at a Verizon Wireless Store (because the original activation code has expired). The store may decide to wave the $35 activation fee because of my circumstances.

March 27 - I pay the monthly charges for February and March on my bill, leaving exactly $330 as the remaining balance.

March 28 - I go to the Verizon Wireless Store at Union Square in Manhattan. A salesman quickly swoops in and asks how I can be assisted. I start explaining my situation and he immediately cuts me off and shuffles me over a sign-in kiosk. I enter my name and get into the service queue. The customer service folks call a name and no one responds. They call the several times, then ask me if I am that person. "No," I say. They decide it's now my turn anyway.

I tell my story again and the person behind the counter tells me that I've probably been charged because I did not return my broken phone when I received my replacement phone. She clearly wasn't paying any attention to my storytelling. I tell her she's got it wrong and attempt to explain again. She then picks up the phone and calls Verizon Customer Service. Yes, the Verizon Customer Service Rep I'm speaking to in person is calling Verizon Customer Service on the phone for assistance. She quickly gives up in trying to explain my situation to the rep on the phone (because she never had a grasp of it in the first place) and then hands the phone to me. The rep on the phone tells me that the problem is not so much that I didn't activate the new phone, but that I did not activate the new two-year contract to receive the discounted price. I assumed that simply purchasing the phone at the discounted two-year contract price was enough to take of that, but I guess I was wrong.

At this point, I am now transferred to another on-site service rep who is better equipped to take care of this mess for me. The rep on the phone and myself both shift over to a new booth. They talk on the phone for a few minutes and it seems everything is now honky dory. They hang up. The on-site rep informs me that I don't even need to activate the new phone at this time if I don't want to. I would rather just get everything wrapped up right there and then, so I go through the activation process. I also get my information transferred over from the old phone to the new phone (another reason I had been holding off putting the new phone to work for so long). They offer to transfer over my pictures and videos as well, but that will require an SD card. Fine, I was probably going to buy one anyway. All done. The LG Dare is in my hand, active, and ready to rock.

March 31 - The Verizon Customer Service rep I had spoken to on the phone while at the store follows up and leaves me a message. The equipment charge still not does appear to have been removed.

April 2 - I call up and explain the story to yet another Customer Service rep. They see that the store has activated my phone, but did not process the renewal of the two-year contract. They are going to send me a copy of my contract so I can manually sign it and return to them for processing. I confirm my correct address.

April 6 - The Verizon Billing Department calls me. My phone is scheduled for shut off because of non-payment. I tell her that I'm still waiting for my contract to arrive so that I can sign it and get the equipment charge removed, and I've in fact already paid the entire bill, except for that charge. She confirms the balance (technically, the balance is less than $330 because I've paid the March monthly charge several weeks in advance of its due date) and will "make a note of this."

April 9 - The phone is shut off. I call Verizon Customer Service, furious due to the lack of communication between the Service and Billing Departments and the constant mishandling of my account. As of the 9th, I still had not received the copy of the contract to sign and resend. It turns out it wasn't mailed until the 5th. The 5th was a Sunday, so really it went out on the 6th. The charge will be removed immediately once the contract is signed, but not until then. She explains my options:

• Pay the $330 now and get a credit once the contract is straightened out. I refuse this on principle.
• Go to a store and sign in person. Unfortunately, I'm at work, and obviously the store thing didn't work the first time.
• Sign the contract when it arrives in the mail. Mail it back. Sit with my useless phone up my ass for a week or more.

What about just getting the phone turned back on until the mess is straightened out? That will have to be worked out with the Billing Department. Then bring on the fucking Billing Department. Again.

I'm transferred over to Billing. A woman with a thick Irish accent answers. I tell her that the only reason my account is being held up is due to a equipment charge that is in the process of being removed and that I've already paid all of my regular monthly usage charges.

"There's no equipment charge here," she says.

"Yes, there's a $330 equipment charge because my two year contract needs to be reactivated. I'm still waiting for that contract to arrive by mail."

"There's no record of any equipment charge. I'm looking here in my records and they don't show anything you're talking about."

"How far do your records go back?"

"All the way back to your first bill," she boasts.

"WHY DON'T YOU TRY GOING BACK ONE MONTH THEN?"

She's still being extremely arrogant with me, mumbling while going over the bill, "Usage... Additional Services... Taxes.. Equipment Charge... $330..."

BINGO, YOU D.F.C.!

"I've already explained all of this to the Billing Department a week ago. She said she would make a note of this."

"It says here she escalated this to a supervisor and your exception was denied."

"It was denied?"

"Yes, it was denied."

"Un-fucking-believable. I've had it. Transfer me back to Customer Service."

............

"Customer service, this is SomeDude, and how are you doing today?"

"Not so great, actually."

"Aw, I'm sorry to hear that. Is there something I can do to help?"

"Yes." And then the eight words that I had no reason to ever say in seven years of being a Verizon customer, came out of my mouth. "I want to cancel my Verizon Wireless service." Little did I realize that those are the magic words to make the Customer Service team go into fucking overdrive.



It was like a switch. I felt like a different person. I felt like a truck. Suddenly, this guy was going to try things to figure out the problem. He would see what he could do with the Billing Department. While on hold, I was already dreaming about what I would do with a Google Phone on T-Mobile, or dare I say it, an iPhone on AT&T. I was fully prepared to dump Verizon if this shit was not fixed by the end of the phone call.

Amazingly, in less than ten minutes, he was able to freeze my account while we wait for the contract to arrive. And in a half-hour, he promised my phone would be turned on again. Quite a turn of events. Sure enough, my phone was reactivated. The contract arrived in the mail on the 11th, and I've since signed and returned it. I'm still getting the hang of the touchscreen technology, and the odd power of having the internet in my pocket at all times, but I'm glad I finally did activate the Dare. I have to be honest, the Verizon's Customer Service people were extremely friendly and understanding to me on the phone, despite my varying degrees of pissedoffedness. The people in Billing and at the store though, not the brightest, and certainly not the most helpful. Motherfuckers were this close || to losing me. We'll see what happens in two years (or sooner).

Yahoo! Assbags

I signed up for Yahoo! Answers the other day. We're already not getting along.

----------------------------------------------------

Hello The RoBeast

You have posted content to Yahoo! Answers in violation of our Community Guidelines or Terms of Service. As a result, your content has been deleted. Community Guidelines help to keep Yahoo! Answers a safe and useful community, so we appreciate your consideration of its rules.

Question: should men tweeze their eye brows? Indians only please...?

Question Details:

Deleted Answer: You should tweeze your eye balls out.

Violation Reason:Community Guidelines and/or Terms Of Service Violation

If you feel this content was removed in error, please read the Community Guidelines and make sure that this content: 1. respects the question-answer format and is not chatty or personal communication; 2. does not contain non-relevant links to external sites or other questions and does not promote your own blog or website; 3. is respectful to other people and does not offend other community members. If you still believe this content has been removed in error, please contact Customer Care and tell us why.

Regards,
Yahoo! Customer Care

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I basically signed up to give smartass answers to everything, so I knew that racking up violations was inevitable. I'm not sure how exactly I violated Yahoo's policy with this one. I didn't feel that I was being particularly mean, obscene, or hateful. I also wasn't harassing or threatening this person. I didn't suggest that I personally would hurt the guy in any way--I advised him to hurt himself. Big difference! Besides, tweezing hurts anyway whether it's your eyebrow or eyeball.

I decided to appeal the deletion as this user's question was racist in the first place.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

REDFRMADV Case ID: 59003154

What are you appealing?
Subject: Answer Deletion

Enter additional information here:
I hope you understand that you flagged my inappropriate answer to
a clearly racist question.

---------------------------------------------------

Little did I know that my appeal was being forwarded to Yahoo! India. Another fun fact: Yahoo! India is apparently located in Singapore. Singapore, not exactly known for their liberal sense of humor, had zero interest in my appeal. (Another fun fact: Google's Blogger has zero interest in allowing me to type without using italics anymore. Why do you think I'm angry all the time?)

---------------------------------------------------

Hello,

Thank you for writing to Yahoo! India.

We have reviewed your appeal request. Upon review we found that your
content was indeed in violation of the Yahoo! Answers Community
Guidelines, Yahoo! Community Guidelines or the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
As a result, your content will remain removed from Yahoo! Answers.

Please note: Questions that do not receive any answers within the 4-day
open period will expire and be deleted automatically.

Use of Yahoo! Answers is subject to the Yahoo! Answers Community
Guidelines, Yahoo! Community Guidelines, and also the Yahoo! Terms of
Service. Members who have violated the Community Guidelines are at risk
for review and possible termination of their Answers accounts. In
extreme cases, members who have also violated the Yahoo! Terms of
Service risk losing their Yahoo! ID and access to other Yahoo! services.

Please review the Yahoo! Answers Community Guidelines here:

http://sg.answers.yahoo.com/info/community_guidelines.php

Please review the Yahoo! Community Guidelines here:

http://sg.docs.yahoo.com/info/guidelines/community.html

Thank you again for contacting Yahoo! India.

Regards,

Louis
Senior Customer Care Specialist
Yahoo! Singapore
http://sg.yahoo.com

-----------------------------------------------------

Anyway, my original appeal was sent on a form entitled "First Appeal," so I logically presume that I can appeal again. This email from "Louis" suggests otherwise. There is no additional form, no contact information... basically, no recourse other than reviewing their policy over and over. Regardless, I hit reply and gave Yahoo! India a piece o' my mind:

You consider my content inappropriate, but you don't see THE OBVIOUS RACISM IN THE QUESTION? It says "INDIANS ONLY". How is that respecting "a diverse community of people with diverse opinions" as stated in the community guide? If you don't delete that question, I'm going to tweeze my own eyeballs out in protest. You don't want that blood on your hands.

I was tempted to make the subject "Indians only," but decided against it. I never received a response back, but I also can't find the question anymore. Maybe it was deleted, I don't know. This is the RoBeast again, by the way talking in real blog time, so pretend I'm not using block quotes or italics. Blogger obviously wants you to use your imagination since they won't allow me to just fucking type over there with left justification or with plain old text or anything else I want to do. Why would I? It's their blog really. I shouldn't complain because they let me have all this free space and bandwidth for no charge at all. It's not like they track everything I do or anything in exchange for this privilege. It's not like they follow every website I go to and then throw strategic ads at me all fucking day.

Well somehow I broke out of the blockquote, but now I've got a different font that I don't want. At least it looks different. I don't know why I even fucking bother trying to make these blogs visually interesting. I would think that large quoted items such as email messages should be italicized and separated somehow. It makes it easier to read, plus I don't want anyone to think the text is to be read in my voice, but no... I can't fucking do anything I want in Blogger. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS TO CLICK ON AN ITALICS BUTTON AND NOT HAVE THE GOD DAMNED ITALICS GO AWAY. GO AWAY ITALICS. BLOGGER YOU PIECE OF SHIT, JUST DO WHAT I WANT. IF YOU KNOW ANYONE THAT WORKS ON BLOGGER, I WANT YOU TO TELL THEM TO TWEEZE THEIR FUCKING EYEBALLS OUT.

JIHAD AGAINST YAHOO AND GOOGLE. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. I KNOW THAT'S NOT SOMETHING INDIANS DO, BUT I'VE BEEN READING A LOT ABOUT MUSLIM BATHROOM HABITS LATELY AND EVERYTHING IS SETTING ME OFF. I GOT LIKE 13 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND IT'S ALL RUINED NOW. I JUST CAN'T RELAX. I WANNA GET FREE.

FUCK PETA - PART DEUX

The minute I relax my ban on anonymous comments for this blog, do I get another anonymous jagoff comment to set me off again. AND ON THE SAME POST THAT CAUSED ME TO BAN ANONS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

This person is either the same person that made the original comment and has been refreshing my blog every ten minutes for 4 months waiting for the day I allow anonymous comments again, or, and this is the more likely scenario, this person was searching for the super hot and sexy (and tacky) new PETA ad banned from the Super Bowl. I can't prove this because I haven't checked my Google Analytics yet, but I think it's more than a coincidence that the only blog I ever wrote about PETA got commented on the day after the Big Game.

Judging by the writing style of the two comments, I think they are two different people. But, they are still equally anonymous and still equally bird-brained. I wrote a blog asking provocative questions about an obviously controversial topic and the first response does nothing to attempt to answer them, and the second comment spouts some circular rhetoric that continues to not explain any opposing viewpoint whatsoever. The whole point of my blog was to say that complex issues can't be settled by cutesy four word bumper stickers, and you dumb narrow-minded dicklickers can't enter the debate with cutesy anonymous bumper sticker style comments. I mean, unless your intention is just to prove my thesis, then by all means, continue! By the way, it's funny when I use ad hominem attacks because I'm actually saying other things around the insults, but youse guyses are adding zero content to the conversation.

"Hate is a strong word generally used by weak people."
Is it? Anonymous? IS IT? I think cutesy rhetoric is a stall tactic typically used by people with no original substance of their own. Are you channeling Yoda or Dr. Phil here? I guess hate is a strong word. In the context of my PETA blog, it's more of a provocative word. But what in your evidence kit proves that something is weak about me? That I ask difficult questions? That I can take an observation on 4 words and turn it into a 400 word blog? That from my little laptop in New Jersey I was able to evoke a response from someone sitting 3,000 miles away in Portland, Oregon, reading my blog in their Firefox browser with Windows set to a 1024x768 screen resolution, 4 months after the fact? I don't know, I think those are some pretty strong echoes. Or are we talking physically strong? I know I haven't been hitting the gym lately, but I bet I can still beat you in arm wrestling, mamby pamby. Look what you did, you made me the Priceline Negotiator. (Sidenote: is "Love" a strong word generally used by weak people?)

"Treat others as you wish to be treated."
Are you talking about me, or are you trying to contribute to debate at hand here? Or did you just open a fortune cookie? All right, I'll bite. I don't want anything to kill me, so I try my damndest not to kill innocent creatures. When the RoBeastress finds a bug in her apartment, I put it in a cup and walk it down the stairs and release it back into the world. But if there's a mosquito sucking blood out of my arm, I kill the motherfucker. Do I feel a little bad? Yeah. But do I regret defending my own health and safety? Not at all. I eat meat and vegetables too. I didn't go slaughter the cow myself, and I didn't yank the carrot from its happy home in the ground with my own two hands either, but I've got a human life to sustain here, and I don't regret that either. One day I'm going to be worm food, and don't think they're going to stop to think about your cute little adage.

"If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."
You still haven't said anything of substance at all, so I certainly can't accuse you of being a hypocrite here. Dude, get real. This is my fucking blog. I can say whatever I want, thanks to a rad amendment to the United States Constitution. I made a lot of points in my original blog before concluding that PETA was a bunch of fuckfaces (which, while crotchety, was obviously tongue-in-cheek) but you seem to have nothing to say about them. Does that mean you're exercising your own advice? Because really, if you have something not nice to say, I think I can handle it. I mean, your colleague called me a Fuckface (original, btw) and I didn't even cry. There are people way meaner in the world than me that actually preaching their ignorance to a much larger audience. If you have so much energy, I think you've got bigger fish to fry. Errr... bigger soy to boil?

"Really."
Yeah, really!

"Prove me wrong by not leaving a small-minded, belittling, sarcastic comment in response."
Prove what wrong? YOU STILL HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING!

I'll satisfy your curiosity now by leaving a large-minded, embiggening, earnest comment in response: Fuck you and Fuck PETA... doggy style. I'll continue my donating to the Humane Society instead.