Frosted Fakes?

Several Kellogg's cereals were on sale the other day so I picked up a box of Frosted Flakes. Later on in my shopping adventure, I spotted this on the shelf in the "Ethnic Food" aisle:

Another box of Frosted Flakes, but this one by Pampa instead of Kellogg's. It was a similar blue box with some flakes, a splash of milk, mysterious red fruit, and a totally extreme cartoon mascot. I never heard of this company before and thought it was odd to not find the box among the usual generic brands in the Cereal Aisle. Maybe they banished Pampa Frosted Flakes to another aisle as punishment for stealing a trademarked name?

Well, as it turns out, "Frosted Flakes" is not a trademarkable term, at least according to Wikipedia. There's no specific source attributed to that claim, but a quick search of US Trademarks shows that "Kellogg's Frosted Flakes" and "Kellogg's Frosted Flakes Gold" (and formerly, "Kellogg's Cocoa Frosted Flakes") are all owned by The Kellogg Company, but "Frosted Flakes" can not be held exclusive to describe a cereal-derived food product. Records also show that Post once had their own trademarked Frosted Flakes ("Post Toasties Frosted Flakes") and Ralcorp had "Chocolatious Frosted Flakes" but these have since lapsed in registration. I guess every other company just figured "Who cares about the beginning? We already don't need to pay for the 'Frosted Flakes' part!" and ran with it.

It's sort of unfortunate for Kellogg's because the term "Frosted Flakes" is probably the most important and recognizable part of the phrase to consumers. "Kellogg's," ubiquitous in their packaging, slogans, and advertising, is usually ignored. They probably should have come up with a more original, trademarkable name (Tony the Tigerflakes?) in the first place, but to make up for their mistake, they've secured their trademark on the term "Frosted Flakes" for every inedible item on the planet: dishware, sneakers, shirts, hats, underwear, gloves, puzzles, toy cars, and measuring cups, among other things. This means you'll never see Pampa's little hoverboarder on a T-shirt next to the words "Frosted Flakes." They aren't lying when they say "pay only for taste" because it's legally all they'll be able to sell you.

As you can see, Pampa (owned by Transnational Foods) takes advantage of this little trademark loophole with their "Raisin Bran" cereal as well. "Corn Flakes" get the Pampa treatment too. From there, their naming strategy is all over the place:

They have a cereal called "Cocoa Drops." This name seems to mimic the foreign version of Kellogg's "Cocoa Krispies" known as "Coco Pops," but doesn't resemble the cereal other than in color. "Cocoa Drops" looks and probably tastes more like General Mills' "Cocoa Puffs." "Coco Puffs," as it's known throughout the world, is trademarked in the US while "Coco Pops" is not. Pampa could have legally used the "Coco Pops" named for their cereal in the US. A more accurate name with worldwide appeal would have parodied "Cocoa Puffs" though. "Choco Puffs" perhaps?

Then they've got "Fruitty Wheels" which is a knockoff of Kellogg's "Froot Loops." "Fruit Wheels" cereal is already trademarked by the grocery store Winn-Dixie, though I'm not seeing any obvious evidence of them using it on a cereal box. Oddly, I've been able to track down a "Fruit Discs" cereal sold by WD, but that name isn't trademarked at all. So the question is, why did Pampa choose "Fruitty Wheels"? "Fruitty" isn't even an English word (then again, neither is "Froot") and I don't see any trademark for "Fruity Wheels." Maybe they're trying to distance themselves from a possible suit for misrepresenting fruit content and intentionally spelling the word incorrectly. That didn't seem to work for Kellogg's though.

Finally, there is "Honey Rings." There are already a thousand different cereals called "Honey Rings" because it's not trademarked. I don't even know what this is a knockoff of, to be honest. I know this guy's not a fan. It seems Pampa is just going with the flow here.

Most interesting to me about the Pampa cereals is that all the boxes use the exact same milk splash into the bowl. The Raisin Bran artwork omits one little milk dot that should appear over the top "N." Honey Rings omits the entire milk pour which makes you wonder what the hell is splashing. The Corn Flakes box doesn't feature the Marty McFly-lookin' kid, but that doesn't mean it's sugar-free.

Where'd he go anyway? COME BACK SWEET PRINCE!

The Sharpei Image

Retail Week: Shelf Shock

This store organizes its shelves by product shape and consistency. Buyer beware!

Dog Years

It's been a while since I last vandalized Wikipedia, so I went for a big target today. I hit up one of my favorite dimensions: Time. My addition is about halfway down the page, and I think the subtly paid off. After 4 hours, it still hasn't been taken down yet!

Click on the image below for the original size (and read the caption for bonus points).

Zebra Dalmatian

Zebra Dalmatian

BaTR: Where Are They Now?

8/19/09 - Someone is FUCKING with me
My web browser was permanently stuck on Strict or Moderate SafeSearch at work. I couldn't even search the content of my own blog. It was ponderous, man. Fucking ponderous.

Update:
A little birdie gave me a workaround... all I had to do was VPN in as if I were accessing the company's network remotely. No sites or searches were blocked!


10/4/09 - Xlerate Ur Death
A high-speed hand dryer was precariously perched above an exposed electrical socket in the restroom of a local eatery.

Update:
The electrical socket has been covered with a plastic protective cap, no thanks to me. (No really, no thanks to me--I just took the picture without mentioning anything to the managers.

Xlerate Ur Life!

10/27/09 - Why You Got Zero Stars
The RoBeast gets dicked around for months by a generic cell phone accessory store, threatens to leave negative feedback on eBay, but ultimately gets defeated by eBay's 60 day feedback cut-off.

Update:
After writing the blog and getting myself all fired up again, I sent a final email to thecellshop stating "Never received" in giant black letters. A couple weeks later, a working LG Dare data cable (and a 3rd or 4th wall/car charger) arrived at my doorstep.

I have since purchased more items from eBay (including Hot to Trot on VHS!), though I will never use that cell phone accessory company again. My LG Dare is still a decent piece of electronic equipment for internet usage and messaging, but it is now as a phone, it has shit the bed. The microphone is no longer functioning correctly making it useless for phone calls and videos. I'll be taking to the Verizon Technical Service department tonight which will probably produce another exciting/bitchy blog entry.

That's all for now. More filler.... IN THE FUTURE!

Haywire the Puppy

Unless teh_Beauty decides to post pictures of her little one, this could potentially be the most adorable BatR entry ever. I know it's been quiet here lately, but I had a minor flash of inspiration during a corporate town hall meeting in our building late last week. After setting up the A/V for the meeting, I didn't have much to do other than sit there and monitor levels. I took the opportunity to do a little bored-gami with two wire ties and came up with something that resembled a black puppy. When the room finally emptied, I busted out Macro Mode and took some snapshots of my new micro-canine friend.

Haywire the Puppy

Standing Up Against Coffee Culture

Phono Tug o' War

The Consequences of Roughhousing

Caught Green-Handed

Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence

Winding Down for Nap Time

That's all I've got for now, but Haywire will be back again someday. I've got a lot of music-related posts in the works. Maybe an MTV Awards liveblog/tweet on Sunday?

Stone Free

As a young RoBeast, I grew up on the Jersey Shore, in an area with many man-made lagoons. Not a lot of the properties in my area had the ability to grow much of a lawn, so most people opted for stones instead. Tons and tons of stones.

Some people had smooth rounded white pebbles that felt gave a nice massage to bare feet in the summer. Others had small bluish-gray spiked rocks that may as well have been landmines. Just like with grass, these masses were alive and required regular maintenance. Cars parking and feet walking moved the stone lawns like liquid. Spreading stones with a shovel or a rake made a sound that resembled the waves at Seaside.

I preferred to do my part by picking up an obsession with throwing them instead. I threw them over power lines into the unknown woods while waiting for the bus. Sometimes I aimed for fences, mailboxes, and telephone poles. You could write with a rock on a well-paved road and then toss it away when you lost the inspiration. Kicking them was fun too. So was hitting them like a baseball with pieces of rebar lying around at my grandfather's house. Most of of all, I loved throwing them into the water. Skipping them was a competition, but throwing them in by the handful was making music--different sizes at different times produced different chimes.

I was constantly being told not to throw rocks, but I couldn't help myself. At summer camp, I accidentally hit a kid (Something-Fusco) in the hand with a jagged stone and gave him a nasty gash. Another time, I overestimated my arm and watched the rock arc directly into a large window across the street. I was trying to clear the house entirely and sink it into the next lagoon over. For my failure I had to pay the neighbor (Norman-Something) for a new window.

The incidents ceased when I eventually traded in the rocks for racquet balls at recess (Wall-Ball saved my life!), but I can't say I ever really grew out of the obsession. It's really a good thing that I wasn't born in India, or else I'd probably be one of the many proud idiots injured today in their annual stone-fighting celebration.

It's better luck to get hit in the head with seagull shit anyway.

'Tail between the legs' is not just not an expression. Rory "the Scaredy Cat" Dog at the most terrifying place on Earth: the park.

Google News Headline: Nor'easter to Destroy the Children of the Corn

While dicking around on Twitter this morning (@RobeastRollie, if you're wondering) I stumbled on "Doodle 4 Google." Being a big fan of MS Paint and other Lo-Fi scribblers, I dig coloring contests that don't require any serious amount of artistic talent. Just in case you refused to click the link, here's a quick synopsis of what Doodle 4 Google is:

Welcome to Doodle 4 Google, a competition where we invite K-12 students to play around with our homepage logo and see what new designs they come up with. This year we're inviting U.S. kids to join in the doodling fun, around the intriguing theme "What I Wish for the World."

Right now they are having a public online vote to narrow down each of the 4 age groups to one winner, then an overall winner will be chosen next week. The winner gets a scholarship and a computer and their doodle on a t-shirt and the Google homepage on May 21st , so I donated 5 minutes of my life to voting on the current round of finalists. Here are the entries I voted for:

Name: Johnny Zuk Age: 6
School: MONROE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
City, State: Monroe, CT

I voted for this one because the singing e's head is on fire and that's fucking punk rock, man. If this kid wins the laptop, I want to write to him and get him to draw Plowing Mud Forever's next album cover.

Name: Courtney Bodine Age: 11
School: MOORESTOWN UPPER ELEMENTARY
City, State: Moorestown, NJ

This one's cool because I dig animals and the tiger looks really badass just chilling up in the tree. I think he's just waiting for everyone to stop talking about peace so he can eat the bird.

Name: Abigail Kois Age: 12

School: GANADA MIDDLE SCHOOL

City, State: Walworth, NY

In middle school, I had my bedroom decorated with paper clips. It was the dorkiest thing in the world, but I had thousands of paper clips of various colors and sizes linked up and draped from the ceiling circling the room. Personally, I think this should have incorporated a little variety within each letter, but this design looks really clean and simple and most importantly, appeals to my dork side.

Name: Jeff Warner Age: 16
School: BRADFORD AREA HIGH SCHOOL
City, State: Bradford, PA

This one is also pretty clean and simple, but at the same time, is completely action packed. And it works in FOUR DIMENSIONS! I like that the kid anticipates the destruction of the 2.0-zone layer in the future. Instead of whitespace, he opts instead for hazy blackspace. Now that's a future Robocop can defend. Pastel Robocop at least.

And now I'm donating an extra few minutes to overanalyze my votes. The four age groups (Kindergarten - Grade 3, Grade 4 - Grade 6, Grade 7 - Grade 9, Grade 10 - Grade 12) are further split into ten US Regional categories. I looked at all of the entries equally, and made my selections, and my favorites all ended up coming from Region 1 or 2, made up of Northeastern states.

Region 1:

Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Vermont

Region 2:

New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania

This was completely unintentional of me, but does it truly prove my Nor'Eastern snobbery? Maybe the kids up here have somehow mastered implanting subconscious triggers in their artwork to set off a positive aesthetic reactions in other Northeasterners brains? Or maybe Northeastern kids simply are better doodlers than the rest of the country? We could place some of the blame on Google for injecting a little bias into the contest by calling the Northeastern regions 1 and 2 and displaying them first on the voting pages. The winner also gets a free trip to Google's New York office, so maybe Google is pushing for a winner that will cost the least to transport. OMG IT'S A CONSPIRACY! VOTE FOR THE KID ON THE GRASSY KNOLL ACROSS THE STREET!

All jokes aside (there is no grassy knoll across the street from the Google New York office), I'm asking y'all* to go vote. Yes, I know that even if you don't vote there will still be a prize awarded, but a lot of traffic and attention is probably what will keep this program and other programs like it going year after year. Plus if we keep kids in school drawing all the time, it will stop them from sexting so damn much. Go!

*See, I can appeal to other regions of the US.

Births & Anniversaries

First off, the Beauty's little babe joined IRL earlier this week. Maeve Lililm was born at 7:24 pm on March 3rd. No word on her Twitter name yet. Congratulations, partner.

On to the blogginating. Pearl Jam is re-releasing their debut album Ten along with a remixed version with bonus track on March 24th. I played their crazy Pearl Jam Ten Game in order to unlock tracks from the album so I could (sort of) review them for you. Personally, I've been looking forward to a remix because I think the original version is gross. My first Pearl Jam album was the much slicker Vs. and I've never really been satisfied with Ten, preferring live, remixed, and radio versions of the tracks. Hopefully now, I can stop complaining.

These were the tracks I listened to this morning:

Once - Nice mix, finally. The original Ten had way to much reverb everywhere--on snares, on vocals, on every fart recorded in the isolation booth--and I'm pleased to say that most of it is now gone. The guitars don't sound like the seventies anymore and the vocals don't sound amateur. And the bass is right up there too. I probably would have liked to see some of the mumbly background Vedder-patter removed, but I can deal with it.

Why Go - Again, most of the musical cheese here is gone, so we're just left with the corny lyrics. Yeah, it's their debut album, so they needed some aggressive stuff to go along with the purdy parts. When I personally revist Ten, I really only want to hear "Black", "Oceans", and "Release" because I'm an old pussy now I guess. When I was younger, I would listen to these "tougher, angry" tracks like "Why Go" and "Deep" because I didn't know what tough and angry was yet (Hint: it usually isn't saturated in reverb or wah-wah pedals). Ok, the song still isn't heavier, but it definitely sounds better. I noticed an extra hi-hat hit at the first "Why go home?" part that I never heard before followed by some vocal effects that are actually cornier now than they were 20 years ago. Bad Brendan O'Brien! You lose, American asshole!

Jeremy - Sounds good. I think this was remixed for the video in the first place anyway. The only major differences I hear between this mix and the already remixed remix mix are more defined background vocals throughout and some guitars cleaned up during the verses and towards the end. Actually, the drums sound better too, like they're being hit harder somehow. Improved when I didn't think there was room for improvement.

Breath - A sluggish and unnecessary take. Ok, I can hear the lyrics better, but it's still an inferior version to the one recorded for the Singles soundtrack. I know it's big deal when they do it live, but I don't care for that either. I don't want to clearly hear the line "A breath and a scream." I want to hear the line slur into the next line ("A breath and a s-Oh, reach the door...") because it simply flows better. It's not horrible, but I just can't imagine ever purposely listen to this version.

Brother - This song blows as much as it did in the 90's. I've read that band members used to fight about whether or not to ever play or record this track. This song really shouldn't have seen the light of day. I don't know why any radio stations are playing it now.

Besides "Brother" and "Breath," there are 4 other B-sides being included on the O'Brien remastered disc: "Just a Girl," "State of Love and Trust," "2,000 Mile Blues",and "Evil Little Goat." Of these, I think I'm only famililar with "State of Love and Trust" which again, I don't think can possibly be improved from the Singles movie soundtrack version. I've heard a two second snippet of "State of Love and Trust" and it sounds a little slower, but with the snare in double time. I don't know how I feel about that.

Now you may be asking "Where are the re-recorded versions of 'Alive' and 'Even Flow' I hear still on the radio that Pearl Jam already had done in the 90s for their MTV videos with drummer Dave Abruzzeze that were way better than the Ten versions"? That's what I'm asking too. I don't know the answer. I never owned those versions because they were always on expensive imports, but I thought they were so good that it ruined the album versions for me. I don't think remixes of the original will surpass those versions. They may have been on that Rearviewmirror greatest hits package that came out 5 or so years ago. I didn't buy that, so I don't know. You can do the research.

The 2-disc collection comes with the original Ten (why?) and the O'Brien remix. The Deluxe Edition comes with the MTV Unplugged DVD, which is what I'll probably be picking up. I really hope it's the complete version though, with the unaired "Even Flow," "State of Love and Trust," "Rockin' in the Free World," and "Oceans." The press release only mentions "Oceans" but the website also has "Even Flow" playing. I don't know why they wouldn't just give a complete tracklisting to appease crazies like me who are sitting here wasting precious blogspace wondering all day and night. It's nice to hear that they didn't correct Eddie Vedder's lyrical flub during "Black." Pearl Jam's Lost Dogs B-side compilation album a few years featured lots of vocal recordings on old songs and they were all awkward and inferior.

There's also a vinyl version called the Who Fucking Cares About Vinyl Edition?

The Collector's Edition has all that plus a live concert LP from Seattle entitled "You Probably Don't Need Another Pearl Jam Concert Because We Have Already Released A Thousand, But Here It Is Anyway: Live." You also get a cassette version of the original Pearl Jam demo tape called "Momma-Son." This is the one that was sent as an instrumental to Eddie Vedder and which he sang lyrics over and blah blah blah history. I've heard these tracks before. They're interesting, but like most demos, they're really nothing to ever listen to over and over again. I don't even have a cassette player. Finally, this set comes with an "Eddie Vedder style composition notebook" which I probably would've studied 20 years ago, but now I don't have any time or room for. I can't imagine that it will be as long or as personal as the Kurt Cobain diary anyway. Therefore, I have no intention of spending $125 for all that junk. Even $28 is a tough sell for the Deluxe Edition, when I don't know for sure what's on the DVD and I don't really need another copy of the original Ten mix.

I don't know what else Pearl Jam has in store: "The reissue of Ten serves as the launch of a planned two-year catalogue re-release campaign leading up to the band's 20th anniversary in 2011." Does that mean they'll be giving disc the remix and special packaging treatment? If so, it seems a little like overkill. Especially because I don't want to have to write a blog entry for each one.

FUCK PETA - PART DEUX

The minute I relax my ban on anonymous comments for this blog, do I get another anonymous jagoff comment to set me off again. AND ON THE SAME POST THAT CAUSED ME TO BAN ANONS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

This person is either the same person that made the original comment and has been refreshing my blog every ten minutes for 4 months waiting for the day I allow anonymous comments again, or, and this is the more likely scenario, this person was searching for the super hot and sexy (and tacky) new PETA ad banned from the Super Bowl. I can't prove this because I haven't checked my Google Analytics yet, but I think it's more than a coincidence that the only blog I ever wrote about PETA got commented on the day after the Big Game.

Judging by the writing style of the two comments, I think they are two different people. But, they are still equally anonymous and still equally bird-brained. I wrote a blog asking provocative questions about an obviously controversial topic and the first response does nothing to attempt to answer them, and the second comment spouts some circular rhetoric that continues to not explain any opposing viewpoint whatsoever. The whole point of my blog was to say that complex issues can't be settled by cutesy four word bumper stickers, and you dumb narrow-minded dicklickers can't enter the debate with cutesy anonymous bumper sticker style comments. I mean, unless your intention is just to prove my thesis, then by all means, continue! By the way, it's funny when I use ad hominem attacks because I'm actually saying other things around the insults, but youse guyses are adding zero content to the conversation.

"Hate is a strong word generally used by weak people."
Is it? Anonymous? IS IT? I think cutesy rhetoric is a stall tactic typically used by people with no original substance of their own. Are you channeling Yoda or Dr. Phil here? I guess hate is a strong word. In the context of my PETA blog, it's more of a provocative word. But what in your evidence kit proves that something is weak about me? That I ask difficult questions? That I can take an observation on 4 words and turn it into a 400 word blog? That from my little laptop in New Jersey I was able to evoke a response from someone sitting 3,000 miles away in Portland, Oregon, reading my blog in their Firefox browser with Windows set to a 1024x768 screen resolution, 4 months after the fact? I don't know, I think those are some pretty strong echoes. Or are we talking physically strong? I know I haven't been hitting the gym lately, but I bet I can still beat you in arm wrestling, mamby pamby. Look what you did, you made me the Priceline Negotiator. (Sidenote: is "Love" a strong word generally used by weak people?)

"Treat others as you wish to be treated."
Are you talking about me, or are you trying to contribute to debate at hand here? Or did you just open a fortune cookie? All right, I'll bite. I don't want anything to kill me, so I try my damndest not to kill innocent creatures. When the RoBeastress finds a bug in her apartment, I put it in a cup and walk it down the stairs and release it back into the world. But if there's a mosquito sucking blood out of my arm, I kill the motherfucker. Do I feel a little bad? Yeah. But do I regret defending my own health and safety? Not at all. I eat meat and vegetables too. I didn't go slaughter the cow myself, and I didn't yank the carrot from its happy home in the ground with my own two hands either, but I've got a human life to sustain here, and I don't regret that either. One day I'm going to be worm food, and don't think they're going to stop to think about your cute little adage.

"If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."
You still haven't said anything of substance at all, so I certainly can't accuse you of being a hypocrite here. Dude, get real. This is my fucking blog. I can say whatever I want, thanks to a rad amendment to the United States Constitution. I made a lot of points in my original blog before concluding that PETA was a bunch of fuckfaces (which, while crotchety, was obviously tongue-in-cheek) but you seem to have nothing to say about them. Does that mean you're exercising your own advice? Because really, if you have something not nice to say, I think I can handle it. I mean, your colleague called me a Fuckface (original, btw) and I didn't even cry. There are people way meaner in the world than me that actually preaching their ignorance to a much larger audience. If you have so much energy, I think you've got bigger fish to fry. Errr... bigger soy to boil?

"Really."
Yeah, really!

"Prove me wrong by not leaving a small-minded, belittling, sarcastic comment in response."
Prove what wrong? YOU STILL HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING!

I'll satisfy your curiosity now by leaving a large-minded, embiggening, earnest comment in response: Fuck you and Fuck PETA... doggy style. I'll continue my donating to the Humane Society instead.

CONFIRMATION? OH NOES!

I was attacked by the confirmation troll again. OH NOES!

(spotted that mask at a Party City, by the way)

Hi Robeast:
Please see below. L___ is out of the office this week and, therefore, the contact for the videoconference on Thursday is L___-____. Please confirm once this has been confirmed. Thanks.

No. Thank you. I don't know what to do first. Confirm the confirmation, or have the confirmation confirmed? This logic makes me want to run over myself.

I almost really ran a girl over last Saturday. It would have been 100% her fault had it actually happened. I was in the right lane on a two-lane one-way street at a 4-way intersection on a dark, snowy, icy day in Hoboken. The light turned green and I started to go. I didn't realize that some dumb fucking pedestrian decided to cross against the light until she was nearly doubled over onto my hood. She didn't actually touch the car at all, so I felt no reason to berate her frozen brain cells for telling her that her body is stronger than a car's any further than however stupid she probably felt on her own.

I have no sympathy for people that don't follow simple rules like "Cross at the green, and not in between." As a driver, I have 56 potential points of conflict that I need to be aware of at a 4 way intersection. I know this because it says so right here:

Engineers calculate that a four-way intersection has 56 potential points of what they call "conflict," or as Vanderbilt says, "the chance for you to run into someone" — 33 places to hit a car and 24 spots to hit a pedestrian.

As a pedestrian, all you have to do is look up at the fucking Walk or Don't Walk sign, or god forbid, the pretty colored light at the intersection, then look both ways (or in this case, one way!) to make sure the drivers are following the rules too. Then, have your brain either tell your legs to go or not. It's a lot easier for you to stop moving than it is for me and my 4-door death machine. Had I been approaching the intersection already in motion instead of from a stopped position, I surely would not have been able to stop in time. Actually, the SUV in the left lane probably would've nailed her first, so I guess I had nothing to worry about. Maybe I'll put up an exciting diagram sometime later this week.

All right, if anyone hasn't seen this yet, now you're seeing it.

No excuses. Unless you get hit by a car. My car.

I should also mention now that it's taken me an hour to get this post correctly formatted. Blogger gets confused when I try to use ultra-demanding features like italics, or a different font for a few lines. I am also clearly pushing Blogger to its extremes by copying text that I wrote in Microsoft Word and pasting it into its own text editor. Thank you Blogger for keeping up with my demanding blog lifestyle. You are a car, Blogger, and I am once again bowled over. Thanks.

2008: Year of the Year

Album of the Year: Local H's 12 Angry Months

Unfortunately, this is an easy one. In 2007 I had three or four awesome albums that I just couldn't pick a favorite out of. This year, there was really not a lot worth noting. Nobody that put anything decent out last year did this year. There were new releases from Melvins, Don Caballero, Zach Hill, Lightning Bolt, and Genghis Tron, but nothing hit me so quickly and easily as the Local H record. The minute I popped it in the CD player, I knew this was the one to beat. I love the lyrics, the concept, the attitude, the variety, and the flow of the songs. I listen to it start to finish and experience the same up and downs as the narrator, but never get bored. Sure, some of the riffs sound familiar, but I just don't care. For someone that listens to a lot of math metal and instrumental shit, I have no regrets picking a solid rock album. The moral of 2008 - simpler is better. Moral #2: you can find awesome shit in the Used bins.

I am now going to take this opportunity to finally select Tub Ring's The Great Filter as 2007's Album of the Year, making that two AOTY's in a row from Chicago-area bands. God, I hope Hum records a new album in 2009.

Song of the Year -

This is a little more difficult. My most listened to song this year was easily Sara Bareilles' "Love Song," but it was technically released the previous year. My problem is that any time I turn on the radio I hate everything I hear. Britney is the Darth Vader of pop music - 99% machine and no real reason to keep alive. Beyonce just chants cheerleader shit over some hand claps and stomps. Pink sings the most retarded laughable garbage. All the other broads just sound the same. Rap is just as bad. I wouldn't know a Lil Wayne song if it kicked me in the balls.

On the band side, I hate everything new and/or hip. I heard the MGMT for the first time (and for the first hundred times) on my Seattle trip. I hate that "Kids" song passionately because I just can't stand 80's sounds. I'll admit that I sort of like the Kings of Leon guy's voice, but I shake my head at him saying "This sex is on fire." Even Jim Morrison is deeper than that. Worst of all is Weezer who no longer deserve amplification.

Getting a little heavier, there are albums from Metallica, Axl Rose, and AC/DC. I'm happy that Lars cleaned up his snare, but now it's taken over as the lead singer of the band. I don't even plan to comment on the other bands I just mentioned, so I'm going to end this paragraph now.

How about this - ALL ARE PUNISHED. No song of the year. Or at least I will wait a few months before declaring it.

TV of the Who Cares: America's Funniest Home Videos

I really don't watch much television. I tend to put it on as background noise and then tool on the nets. For the first third of the year, I either had Law and Order: SVU or America's Funniest Home Videos on. In the summer, it was Law and Order: CI or The Sopranos on DVD. By the end of the year, I cut down on the Law and Order (mainly because they never put on the new fucking season on USA), so I pretty much stuck to The Sopranos or whatever was on Home Shopping Network (not that I planned to buy anything, I just like to observe salespeople while they're safely behind a cage).

I did buy several television programs on DVD (Comedy Central's TV Funhouse, The Sarah Silverman Program, the rest of The Sopranos), but I don't think I watched a single new thing on Prime Time TV in 2008. Weeds is the only thing that was recommended to me that I gave a shot. I Netflixed the first 3 seasons and enjoyed it, but by the end, the storyline was losing me. Like how many more times is she going to lose all of her money, or all of her weed, or all of both? The humor is clever and dark enough to keep me watching though. Kevin Nealon is hilarious, and the younger son has a great character too. Still though, I didn't see any 2008 episodes, so I can't vote for Weeds.

So really, it was either down to Law and Order or America's Funniest Home Videos. I'm going with AFV, which I refuse to say aloud, because it is truly hilarious, even in the face of digital competition. It's consistenly more funny than mining for YouTube gold, and that just ain't easy to pull off. I know that when I turn on the TV, all the best videos of Kids and Pets or Neither are going to be prescreened, and edited for MAXILULS. For every Bert and Ernie Go Brutal video online, there's a thousand unfunny ripoffs. I don't have time to sift through the crap. AFV has even gotten edgier with Tom whatshisface as the host. His jokes are occasionally risque and the new segments are very innovative, despite the raw materials always being the same. I just hope they decide to come out with an adult version of AFV, or an uncensored online version. The competition is only going to get stiffer in 2009, and they need to continue evolving with the times.

Movie of the Year : Luchador Shiraz

I didn't see any movies in the theater at all in 2008. The last motion picture I saw was Eraserhead in December 2007 at the IFC. I tried to go see The Wrestler with the RoBeastress last night, but it was sold out (even though I insisted it wouldn't be). Instead we went and got wine. I was still angry about not getting to see the only movie I've looked forward to in a long time, so I picked up Luchador, a South Australia Shiraz, in protest. I typically don't drink red wines, but this was all right with me. There are apparently several different types of Luchador wine, each with a different wrestler pictured on the label with a funny description of his character, like such as: "Gato Loco is a world-famous orchid collector. He owns four iPods and believes vinyl is for weenies. He never buys water or women."

I know this is a wine and not a movie, but tough shit, it's my list. The wine is also from 2007, so the hits just keep coming huh? What, did you want me to put Batman or some shit on the list? Fuck Batman. Fuck Indiana Jones and fuck de fucking X-men. I bury those cockroaches.

Best Commercial of the Year When Commercials Were Decidedly More Memorable Than Any Movie or Song - Hotels.Com



I'm glad Tom Green is still an influence on today's culture. Sort of. I can't wait to act this commercial out in a hotel myself.

Worst Death of the Year - George Carlin

Shoulda been George Lopez.

OH I'M SO HORRIBLE - The RoBeast

Fine, Carlos Mencia then.

---

This list sucked, sorry. I'm in a hurry and I've got a lot blog backup and pictures to upload and boxes to unpack and paperwork to sign and hammers to drop. I'm going to try writing a couple more today and have them trigger to pop up automatically in the next few days.

Babies R U

Unfortunately, there's no time for epic blogging today as I have a hot date with a big mall on a cold December day in a few minutes. Instead I will just take this space to wish two good friends and fellow bloggers the best of luck on the birth of their son today. Ethan and Vicki will finally welcome Tobin to the outside world in just a few hours. I'm pretty sure he's not being named after the fictional Tobin's Spirit Guide from Ghostbusters, but it will still be an exciting honor to meet him. Kick ass, you guys!

d00d n00dz

This is not the semi-retroactively-plagiarized post I promised last week, nor the epic magnetic toy post that I have yet to promise to post (unless you count that as a promise). This blog will be both a publicly unproposed, yet positively plagiarized post, followed by a sketchy sketch request from an original artist of a potential plagiarist.

First, yet another slanderous scoop that I've been beaten to tenfold--the accusation that Dean Graziosi, late night financial and real estate infomercial author and bullshitter, is actually a woman. I know you've heard this sob story from me a thousand times recently ("I've been saying this for a while, just never posted it, blah blah blah, wah wah vomit"), so just go read the testimonials from the internetskis. It seems that a lot of folks were thinking the same thing as me.

Personally, I don't care if dude looks like a lady or vice versa, I just think this distracting issue needs to be officially addressed by The Deaner so I can go back to believing I'm being deceived by your average scam artist regardless of their gender.

The other thing I wanted to post was a great way to make millions through tiny classified ads.

No, no, not really. I just wanted to post a sketch that a internet pal named Ashley made for me. She was offering up quick pencil drawings of folks, so I took her up on it, with a special twist--I wanted to be immortalized nude, on a bed of nails, surrounded by 3-legged collies. Amazingly, she did it!


If anyone wants to get this incredible scene tattooed on their back or etched into a gravestone, please don't forget to credit Ashley. And, no, if you're wondering, I did not actually pose for this sketch. The only person I know that owns a bed of nails is Wally Chung, and he wouldn't let me get naked on it.

NO U

You say this:

But all I see is this:

What is my disorder? This is why I don't read anymore. I see letters and I automatically want to rearrange them. Is it some sort of dyslexia? Scrabblerackitis? Granted, I'm not really transposing any letters here, I'm just respacing them, but still. I can't be the only person that thinks it was a bad idea for these folks to start a food business with the word SHIT in the middle of their name.

I also refuse to pronounce PETSMART as "Pet Smart."


I prefer "Pets' Mart," like it's a market for pets. Which it is.


Your dog could be dumb, after all.

And now, two technical notes.

1. Blogger took it upon itself to underline the first sentence in this blog entry. Underline, as far as I can see, is not even an option in this text editor. There is bold, and italicize, but that's it. This means Blogger's underlining prank can't even be undone without going into the html editor and deleting the /u tag. Which I could do. But I'm not going to. I'm just going to bitch instead.

2. I'm also blocking all anonymous comments from now on. I received one the other day about a PETA bumper sticker post I made several months ago. It's not that I can't take the heat, it's just that I want to know who's in my kitchen. If you want to argue about abortion or animal rights, go right ahead. If you want to just call me names, please do. Just sign your fucking name, coward, so I can direct a brilliant retort back to you.

Waaaaaah.

Cat People

I had a super shitty day at work yesterday. I went home pissed off and blasted lots of loud music for several hours, then finally passed out and had a sound 6-hour night's sleep.

I woke up with a different attitude. Believe me, it's far from an optimistic one, but just the fact that I got up and got ready which the intention of going back to my job instead of tossing in the towel is an improvement from the night before. I'm still angry, and disappointed, but I think I have some priorities and objectives to now realign and reclassify. Either way, I think I need a day of silence. A little peace before action.

I walked down the stairs and out the door. It may have rained last night. I don't know--I don't have a window in my bedroom. Definitely a cool September day, but I left my jacket in the car the night before. I clicked my keys to unlock the Honda across the street in front of the vacant lot. Normally this action is an alarm clock for the pair of stray cats that live on block, and always seem to sleep under my car. I crossed the street trying to figure out what music I would listen to on the way to work now that my non-iPod came back to life.

I knew one of the cats was under the car. I saw his outline. I knelt down and peeked under. It was the orange and black one, and he was still sleeping. Well I don't really know if he is a he. I always assume that when I see two cats that one is a boy cat and the other is a girl cat. I just learned that how false this assumption was last week when the RoBeastress told me that Pooka, (one of Kirk and Cindy's cats I had been taking care of while they were on vacation) was a girl, not a boy like I insisted. I've known Pooka and her sister Zoe (who I correctly believed was a girl) for 4 or 5 years now and have probably heard her referred to as "her" a million times, but I just put a complete mental block on her gender. Part of it is probably due to my obsession with symmetry and the inability of my brain to perceive Kirk as outnumbered 3-to-1 in the household, but Pooka is a girl's name for chrissakes! I was in complete denial.

I was also in denial that the stray cat under my car was dead. I whistled at him and begged him to wake up. I used to have a cat that was an alarmingly heavy sleeper. When he was a kitten, he used to dream and twitch in his sleep and it scared the shit out of me. I would shake him and he would sleep right through it. Then he would just wake up and look at me as if I were crazy.

I was afraid to touch the stray though. I've wanted to pet him so bad in the 3 and a half years we've lived on the block together, but I think we both knew that wasn't going to happen. I'm horribly allergic to cats as it is, but who knows what diseases these mangy strays have living under their claws? The two cats were always together though and took care of whatever physical affection each other needed, without any help from humans. And someone on the block, I don't know who, always put out some vittles for them a couple times a week. And if they weren't happy with that, there was always the Vietnamese restaurant a few doors down.

I got in the car and turned it on in vain. He didn't wake up.

I just finished watching Less Than Zero last night, and knew how it was going to end as soon as I put it on. A young Robert Downey, Jr. , estranged from his family with no regular place to stay, easily falls prey to the dangers of the streets. He's charming and pleasant to his acquaintences, but he's caught in a cycle that has a predictable and inevitable finish. He was a human stray.

In Art and Life, I guess I can't really claim to be surprised by this outcome either. Maybe just far from optimistic, still angry, disappointed...


Here he is in happier times. RIP Kitty Kat.

Bumper Sticker? Go Fuck Yourself.

I had another highway adventure yesterday, trying to follow a car with a bumper sticker that would surely inspire a future blog entry. I failed to accurately capture the picture on my cell phone camera (which is going to start a new rule in my Honda: no driving without a digital camera in the glovebox), but I knew I'd be able to find it on the I-nets.

It was this one:

This bumper sticker is testing you. It wants to know how strong your opinions are. It asks, if your opinions on abortion are so strong then are you able to seamlessly apply them to the rest of your decisions in life? Namely, your eating habits? And if you are so confident that you can label yourself "pro-life," then it doesn't suggest, but demands that logically, you should also support the removal of meat and dairy from your diet.

It says all that?

Yes.

Unfortunately, these arguments are a little more complicated than four words, but I'll try to make sweeping generalizations in the interest of time and desire to be sort of apolitical (because most RoBeasts equally use their right and left wing). So here comes my brain not on drugs (many questions):

Pro-life. What does it mean? Does it mean you don't support abortions or does it mean you don't have abortions? Or, as the bumper sticker suggests, is being Pro-Life more than just taking a stand on abortion? Does it mean you support anything that allows or encourages life or denies or slows the spread of death (such as executing a serial killer to keep them from killing many others, or stem cell research) or does it mean you don't think anything should be purposely killed? What about things accidentally killed? What about things you don't even realize you're killing? Where do you draw the line at life? When you're born? When you're conceived? Is a fetus alive? Is a fungus? How about a salmon? How about samonella? Does Pro-Life just apply to things with a face? Or just things that have nervous systems? Do you kill to save your own life? Are you doing what you can to be immortal? But if that requires chopping off another guys head? Does Pro-life=Anti-Death?

Pro-Life? Avoid mouthwash.

Pro-Life? Don't play frisbee in the park 'cause you're probably stepping on ants.

Pro-Life? Swallow a tapeworm.

Here's the thing. There's just not enough room on a bumper to have a real discussion about issues so big. Maybe every single person that bought one of those bumper stickers feels exactly what it says, but that's not the end of the argument. I was really tempted to walk up to the guy while stuck in traffic and say "Explain yourself," but someone probably would've stole my car. Can that many people really think it's that simple? Or have they have all just went through the same thought process I did and found themselves satisfied when they arrived at the bumper sticker's conclusion?

I hate you PETA and your oversimplified, hypocritical, cutesy bumper stickers.

Pro-life? Go tell a vegan that plants were alive once too.

Fuckfaces.

What Happens on April 24th at your company?

Bring Your Daughters to Work Day
Bring Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day
Bring Your Child to Work Day
Bring Your Kid to Work Day
Take Your Daughters to Work Day
Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day
Take Your Child to Work Day
Take Your Kid to Work Day
Bring A Kid To Work Day
Bring Your Daughters to My Sons Day
Take Your Kids Past the Smokers Huddled by Front Entrance To The Building Where No One is Inside Working
Drop The Cosby Kids Off at the Pool Day
Pick a Day, Any Day, and Work In Front of Your Child For That Day, Be it Your Daughter, Or Your Son
Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter Day
Bring Your Son to the Sun Day
Take Your Daughter Home A Sundae On Sunday After You Got Stuck Working Overtime On The Weekend She Had Her Big Cheerleading Event So She Doesn't Grow Up Hating You and Dating a Biker
Call Your Children "Kids" and Your Kids "Children" Day
Bring your Kids and Your Kids' Kids to Watch Kids so You Don't End Up With Kids with Kids that Have Kids Day
A Day About Kids, and Pets, and a Situation that we can all Understand, Whether we Have Kids, or Pets, or Neither Day
Kick Your Kids At Work Day
Chide Your Children At Work Day
Bring Your Work Take to Your Daughters and Sons Before Your Wife Gets Hold of it Day
Allow Your Son to See You Emasculated at Work Day
Deprive Your Kids Another Day of Education Just Like You Did On Opening Day Day
Act Like A Child Because The Coffee Machine is Out Of Cups Just You Do Every Day, But This Time Do It In Front Of Your Kid Day
stop capitalizing things day
stop ending sentences in 'day' week
Give Teachers a Break Day
Give Japanese Children Another Competitive Advantage Day
Show Your Kids How Slowly You Drive in the Passing Lane on the Way to Work Day
Take Your Kids to a Kindergarten-Like Environment That You Get Paid To Work At Day
Take The Skinheads Bowling, Providing that You Are A Nazi Sympathizer, Work in A Bowling Alley or Profess to be a Bowler, and Wish To Impress Your Ignorance and Job Experience Upon Your Kids Simultaneously Day
Bring Your Daughters and Sons to Work and Leave Them There In The Mine Forever
Make the Case For Sterility Day
Bring Your Children in To Show You How To Defrag Your Laptop
Blame Your Kids For Fucking Up The Expensive Video Conference Equipment That You Screwed Up The Other Day Day
Take Your Sons and Daughters To A Place Where Someone Cleans Up After Your Messes
Take Your Sons and Daughters To A Place Where Spelling Doesn't Matter Anymore
Take Your Sons and Daughters To A Place Where Money Actually Does Grow on Trees
Show Your Children How To Forward an Unfunny/Untrue/Uninteresting Chain Letter They Probably Saw Three Years Ago
Spend Company Time Blogging About A Day When Co-Workers Take Their Kids to Work Day
Spend Company Time Reading A Blog About A Day When Co-Workers Take Their Kids to Work Day