September 2, 2010

Pantalones Cortos

I went to a party in Brooklyn last week. The conversation inevitably turned to hipster things, for Brooklyn is a hipsterable place. Somebody brought up Jorts, the modern name for Jean Shorts. If I understand correctly, jorts really only refer to shorts that have genuinely been cut off from longer pairs of denim. It's really not an important issue in my life, but I'll play devil's advocate for the Jort Purist. (Jurist?)

The term has been in the lexicon for a while, so there was really nothing new to say about them. Someone then mentioned Corts, a term with which I was unfamiliar. Corts are Corduroy Shorts. Corts seem to be less ubiquitous than jorts, and even though they have earned their own portmanteau, I imagine they are way less hip.

Now I don't wear jeans, so jorts are really out of the question. I also think they look pretty stupid unless you're a lumberjack dressing down for a professional wrestling match (see also: sleeveless flannel). Corts, I'm not so sure about either. I haven't worn corduroy in quite a long time, even though two pairs of cords keep following me every time I've moved in the last 7 years. Still, I can't imagine wearing corduroy in the summer, even if it is in short form.

If you've done the math, you've probably deduced that I only wear regular or cargo pants, and predictably, all my shorts are store-bought short pants or cargo shorts. Martha, the party's hostess and longtime-reader-never-commenter, asked me why I don't rock cargo cutoffs in the summer. Well, it's mainly because there is no snazzy name assigned with cut-off cargo shorts.


Corts is obviously already taken, so I had to brainstorm a bit. I think a good name might be Escargots.  "Es," short for "S," short for "Short" + "cargot," long for "cargo." I realize that escargot is already pluralized, so let's just pretend you're adding the extra "s" for "Shut up, Smartypants." S-Cargo would be more fun and less French, but as I've discovered, Nissan beat me to it 20 years ago. I guess great minds think alike. I just made that quote up too. 

So I grabbed an old pair of my cargo pants with holes in the knees and chopped them up while being careful to preserve their most important feature with utmost absurdity. I glued on a beard and found a six-pack of PBR to highlight the deep, efficient pockets. Sorry, all my V-necks were in the laundry.


Anonymous said...

You should wear them all the time.

Harry Badface said...

I'd have called them "saddlebags."

Rosie said...

These are genius. You'll never have to carry around that purse again!

trix said...

these are the ugliest things i've ever seen. sorry, rollie.