September 2, 2008

What Am I, Chopped Liver?

FYI I'm manstruating right now. This happens to me once a month, around rent time. I don't want to get into how crazy I become, but when the first of the month hits, try to at least pretend that you're reading my blog posts and before you ask where Teh Beauty is. I'm not the fucking opening band here.

So I will take this opportunity to bitch about everything that I've been forgetting to bitch about.
  • Lit Lounge - A few weeks ago I met up with some of my internet lady friends at The Library (one of my favorite NYC bars), but they wanted to go somewhere else. I don't remember what I had been doing prior to meeting up, but by the time we left, I was a bit saucy. We got to Lit and the girls showed their ID's and went inside first. I walk up to the bouncer and show my ID (despite being 30) and he says, "Who are you with?" I thought to myself "Who am I with? Who cares who I'm with?" Actually I didn't think any of that to myself--I said it all out loud. I'm with my fucking wallet, that's who. The douchebag bouncer responded with "Are you trying to get smart with me?" as if Lit is some elite hotspot that I waited hours to get into. Normally I would've left immediately and wrote a scathing review on Citysearch that no one would ever read, but my friends came and grabbed me and I guess that was enough to get me in. Fuck that fucking place. And fuck that horse and the bouncer he rode in on.
  • John McCain, Barack Obama - Oh, candidates families are off-limits now? Then why are they on the fucking campaign trail? Ok, the kid didn't ask for any of this, so she should have her personal space respected, but Gov. Palin should be accountable. How a candidate runs their family unit is an indication as to how they would run a country. Or a business. Or a bowling team. Leadership is leadership, and if Sarah Palin wants to lead, then she has got to publically examine this event in her family's life. I'm not necessarily saying that a 17-year old mother is the worst thing in the world, but I want to know if her daughter's pregnancy is a result of abstinence-only education and if Palin would continue to support something like that? I want to know how tough she wants police to be on DUI convictions knowing that her husband once had one. I want to know how Obama punishes his children. I want to know if McCain cheats at checkers. I want to know what kind of porn Biden buys. ALL OF THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RELEVANT TO THE UNITED STATES. I don't expect to vote for a perfect human being, but I certainly won't vote for a hypocrite.
  • (Who am I kidding? I'm voting for John McLane.)
  • People who buy giant vehicles but can't drive them - I was getting into my car two weeks ago on a Manhattan street. A space shuttle pulled up next to me and a lady rolled down the window. "Do you know how to parallel park?" she asked, clearly oblivious to the fact that I was getting into a parallel parked car. Long story short, I had to shuttlejack her vehicle to park it for her as traffic lined up down the block. BUY SOMETHING YOU CAN DRIVE, LADY, LIKE THE BARBIE DREAMCAR.
  • Sexists - Yeah, I know. Sorry.
  • Bees - I got stung by two bees in the past 8 weeks! Both times on the bottom of my foot. Well, one of the times may have been a bite, but man, that shit hurts!
  • MGM - I finally bought Mr. Mom on DVD this weekend and it's not in widescreen. I thought I screwed up (I once accidentally bought a Pan-and-Scan Ghostbusters) but it turns out MGM never released it on DVD in Widescreen. Every stupid 90's CD gets a special (and usually pointless) redux for their 10th anniversary, but Mr. Mom turns 25 in full screen? Offensive.
  • The Village Voice - They changed their format recently. Sure, the editions are smaller and probably more environmentally friendly, but I have a serious issue that transcends my concerns for the planet. The problem is they use staples now which means I can't take the pages apart easily and line my bathroom floor while I give myself a haircut. I guess I'll have to use The Onion now.
  • Canada Dry Green Tea Ginger Ale - I forgot to post this months ago. I tried it. It tastes exactly like it promises, but I don't think anyone was begging for this hybrid. I guess I just don't get it.
  • This Version of "Jump" -
  • The lack of cream sodas at my local Duane Reade - That's all. I'm done here.


kcw said...

Mr. Mom. A movie I can relate to.

General Dowd said...

You'd prefer this one?

Jay Amabile said...

fantastic post. I'm voting for John Mcclane too! haha. People definitely need to stop buying ginormous tank vehicles. They always turn out to be assholes. I got cut off by a gigantic one this morning on 287. I can't believe someone would actually ask u to park their car for them!?! What a douchebag. I was at the VH reunion show! AWESOME! I saw the green tea ginger ale at shop rite this weekend and neglected to buy it because I figured it would suck. I'm not a fan of ginger ale but the old schweppes grape and raspberry versions were good. Mr. Mom is one of the greatest movies of all time. You're late on the mark with buying it tho! ;) Oh and I hate mosquitoes more than bees. I got about 15 bites at a bbq last weekend.

Vicki said...

Dude--even I've been to Lit on more than one occasion w/o hassle. Not in recent years, mind you, but I have. I'm the least hip person I know. Why the hell would they hassle you??? Fuck 'em.

NY hipsters are the only thing on the planet I hate more than republicans and pedophiles.