April 18, 2009

Real American Heroes

Lo, I have returned to you. Yes, it has been a long time since I have posted here. Rollie has had to keep the dream alive in my absence. To recap: I got my heartbroken by an edouche, I went out on a grudgefuck date, I got pregnant, I had the baby. I did not post during my pregnancy because gestating a small human eats your brain. I was like a little old man with dementia. The baby ate all my words. I would wander around my house asking people things like, "what's the word for that party they throw you for the baby? We just had mine?" Oh right, BABY SHOWER. Right, thanks." My brain was mush. I missed every appointment unless it was written down. I sat quietly for hours and had to eat bland foods, or I would have DIED from explosive heartburn. Seriously, I thought I was going to have to go the hospital several times for HEARTBURN. How pathetic is that? I never knew heartburn could feel like a fucking heart attack. That's all behind me now, and I have a beautiful baby girl. I will post more about this phenomenon called motherhood later. Today, I come to you to talk very seriously about an issue that is affecting this great nation: teabagging.

Yes, I have come out of my crusty retirement to talk to you about men dipping their balls in and on things. Before we precede any further, I feel we should take this break to review that hilarious State skit about Jesus and his disciple Louie also known as he who would like to dip his balls in it.

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Listen, much like Jesus I love everybody. Wait that's a lie, I don't love everybody, but I do defend everyone's right to publicly make a complete ass of themselves. Which is why, when I turned on my TV in the midst of my own special reaming by the tax man on April 15th and saw the Republican Conservatives, they who would outlaw gay sex, shrieking over the public airwaves that they wanted to teabag the President...well, I lost it. I got down on my knees and howled with laughter over the delicious irony of the whole thing. There's nothing like seeing a rich old Grandma who believes it is a sin for homosexuals to have sex talking about how she would like to DIP HER BALLS in an elected official's mouth. Bonus points if that elected official holds the highest office in the land. Lordie. It's not every day you see something like that. Usually, you have to pay extra to see something like that if you know what I mean, and obviously, sadly, many of you do not.

When I pointed this out on Facebook several of my more conservative "acquaintances" went off on me and called me out for having a liberal slant and ridiculing their right to protest. People, I may be the liberal here, but I'm not the one talking about how I want to teabag the President. I also fully support anyone's right to protest; this does not shield you from my right to laugh my ass off when you act the fool. Nothing says I am totally disconnected from the world and politically incoherent like a good 'ole teabagging rally stirred up and fomented by a Dick Armey. Like it isn't hard enough to take a man named Dick Armey seriously, no, he has to make it even harder by inviting us all to a big 'ole teabag rally. Yes really, an ARMY of Conservative dicks talking about how they want to dip their balls in it. Seriously? I cannot write this material. It writes itself. I could labor for hours and hours and never come up with anything as funny as this is. I find it amazing that not only do people under 40 not know what teabagging is (I've had to explain it several times to people my OWN age recently), but that not one of these "smart" people who know what is best for this country are capable of running a word through a simple google search with moderate safesearch off. It's not like "teabagging" is a new phenomenon. Us liberals didn't make it up to shame you conservatives. Teabagging is a fairly well-known sexual euphemism. It has passed far enough into our pop culture to feature in a John Waters movie from 1998 called Pecker, but in the words of Mr. Waters himself:

  • "Teabagging" is by my definition the act of dragging your testicles across your partner's forehead. In the UK it is dipping your testicles in your partner's mouth. I didn't invent the term or the act but DID introduce it to film in my movie "Pecker." "Teabagging" was a popular dance step that male go-go boys did to their customers for tips at The Atlantis, a now defunct bar in Baltimore. Hope this helps. -- John Waters via Boing Boing)

That sketch from The State that I showed you guys is from a TV show that's off the air. The State aired from 1993 to 1995. The joke here is not new, but it is a hilarious callback. Good one GOP! I am certainly not the only one who got the joke. MSNBC's newscasters like: David Schuster, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, and Ana Marie Cox really went to town while CNN's Anderson Cooper (who no doubt has great experience with teabagging *wink* *wink*) got a few choice shots in, leaving funnyman John Stewart to bewail a bizarro world wherein he does not get to make the obvious scrotum joke. I'm sorry GOP'ers it's like running around using the word boner to reference a bone-headed or stupid move, and expecting the rest of us not to laugh and giggle when you righteously speak about the President's boners. COME ON. I am not made of steel. I am only a human being with an actual sense of humor.

I cannot believe that not one single person at FOX News, the purveryors of about a 100 "teabag" commercials, did not know that teabag had a less than savory definition. Today, I would like to celebrate these TRUE American heroes the underpaid minions who let it slide. For every assistant producer, for every junior fact-checker and copywriter that silently giggled to themselves and kept their mouths shut, I personally would like to thank you for bringing this country the greatest dick and ball joke it has possibly ever seen on a national level. And, if truly, none of these people really knew what teabagging meant, then I can only imagine that it was the will of GOD that let this series of hilarious circumstances come to pass. For an agnostic, this actually strengthens my faith in the divine because if the universe has a sense of humor, we may yet have hope in this mad, mad world.

10 comments:

MIke N said...

Wow!! There are still more meanings to the word in the dictionary. That is what happens when Liberal's don't have anything else to stand on; they take things out of context and in this case "out of meaning". Congrats, your a true left winger!! And also, congrats on being such a professional know it all about teabagging in the "nuts" since of the word anyway, You sure know alot about it!! It is truly amazing. I have to say, I have been educated.

teh Beauty said...

Oh you got me! Because I can read and have a wide knowledge of pop culture I am obviously a whore. Now who's falling back on the ad hominem attacks because they don't understand irony?

Ro-Beast Rollie said...

congrats mike n. "your""alot" smarter than us.

Ro-Beast Rollie said...

us "liberal's" i mean.

MIke N said...

Irony and pop culture, should not have anything to do with politics, and I feel sorry for you that you have somehow related the two. The teaparty's were about taxes, and nothing else. Yet somehow, you have managed to try to degrade the movement the "real meaning of the word"; not that there are not several other meanings of the word. Oh, but disregard those right?? Whatever!! Those meanings don't mean anything in this instance, there just non-existant......right...guess so according to you. Because you have not mentioned in any of your writing that maybe they were talking about "teapartys". Come to think of it, been watching CNN, and every other liberal media outlet, including Youtube.... I have not heard the phrase "teabagging" but I have heard the phrase "teaparty". I love the way you have twisted this around to meet your own needs and your views politically, good for you!!
What happened to bipartisanship?? There is at least half or little less than half of the country, that strongly does not agree with your views. So instead of posting something like you did on facebook, have some respect, and tighten your lip and respect other people and their views.
I work for one of the most Liberal people in Kansas; in fact, he was invited to Obama's inauguration. We talk now and then about politics, I am going to have to talk to him about your "teabag" meaning and see what he thinks about it. Let you know what he says, honestly.

MIke N said...

POP CULTURE........IS THAT GOING TO HELP THE ECONOMY IN ANYWAY WHAT-SO-EVER.............I THINK NOT..... SO, TO HELL WITH YOUR POP CULTURE BULLSHIT. LETS TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY HAS SOME MEANING.........

YOUR TURN........

Ro-Beast Rollie said...

Degrade the movement? Who's talking about Scatting? Sorry, if you don't want Pop Culture and Politics married, you're just going to have to stop bringing your kink into every serious debate.

It's your American Doody.

teh Beauty said...

Irony has everything to do with politics; it's not just a literary convention. I suspect that you perhaps are unclear on what irony really means. Pop culture has everything to do with politics too because pop culture means "popular culture". You know the culture you are a part of whether you dig your head into the sand or not. I love how Conservatives want people to shut up and "respect" (what exactly?). You want me to respect our President? I do. You want me to respect the serious economic crisis we are in? I do. That's why I voted for Obama. You want me to respect your right to protest? I do. You have the right to say what ever you want to...I just think it's "ironic" that you suddenly don't respect MY RIGHT to have an opposing viewpoint and and say what ever I want to. You have the right to make a fool out of yourself; I have the right to ridicule you. Your arguments are as politically incoherent as the Tea Bag rallies were. Hey! I know Let's buy a million tea bags to protest wasteful spending because that's not wasteful at all in this tight economy...at all. The Boston Tea Party was protesting taxation without representation. The Tea Bag rallies were just protesting the fact that you all didn't really get what you want. It's called discontent. Get used to that and the bitter taste of irony.

ps. I 'm glad that you're so rich you're worried about the wealthy losing their tax loopholes while the rest of us, the American Middle Class, truly suffers, something which our current President has recognized and is trying to ameliorate.

But you know, you're too busy not getting your way and arguing with me on Facebook. Fun fact: I wasn't the one who started our little argument...you were. You want me to keep my lip zipped? How about you start with YOURS?

teh Beauty said...

Yes and what happened to bipartisanship? I think it's funny Republicans bring that shit up when they have no desire to compromise because they suddenly aren't in control anymore. Bipartisanship means reaching out and meeting the other party halfway even when you're not the ones in charge. I understand this a touch concept for you all to grasp as you've had 8 years of running roughshod over the American people and getting whatever you wanted to the detriment of the American people.

You remember them? The bulk of the American people who voted for a change because the reality of letting the Republican party do whatever it wanted for the last 8 years has birthed our current nightmare. Now, the Republicans and Fox News are digging their heels in and saying we won't play ball with the rest of the COUNTRY! Because we didn't get what we want! That's a stunning lack of bipartisanship right there.

Mike N said...

It's just fun to here you rant and rave on your blog.