April 17, 2009

A Very Special Beauty and the RoBeast

Or more accurately,
Remember that one episode of Blossom where her older brother Tony was talking about his recovery from alcoholism at the breakfast table? He told them all about the 12-Step program, but Joey cut him off after #11 to say "Whoa" or something else really dumb. Everybody laughed--except Tony. He was mad because he didn't get to finish his story.

Later that night Six came over for a sleepover, but Blossom was still preoccupied. "What could be the 12th step?" she wondered aloud.

"Like, I don't know," said Six, "but I'm bored and LOLcats haven't been invented yet, so let's go downstairs and get loaded!"

So she put on her favorite 90's flower hat, swiped Blossom's dad's bottle of JD from the liquor cabinet, and grabbed his cocaine stash that was hiding in the piano. "This is gonna be, like totally awesome, Blossom!"
Blossom knew better, but she didn't say anything. Soon, Six was doing drugs every day. She also started hanging with a different crowd--one that sold coke and bought guns, and never ever wore 90's flower hats.

Concerned for the safety of her old friend, Blossom went to brother for advice. "You should have let me finish my cautionary tale," he said. "Step 12 is about preventing others from succumbing to addiction. It tells you to say 'No Drugs' to all of your friends and loved ones. You had your chance to say 'No Drugs' to Six, but it's too late now, little sister. She's gone forever."

But Blossom refused to give up. She got Joey to give her a ride to Six's new apartment on the other side of town. With tears streaming down her face, she banged on the door yelling "No drugs! No drugs, Six! No drugs..."

Suddenly, Six kicked open the door, brandishing a high-powered machine gun. She yelled "In my opinionation, you should mind your own business, bitch!" and turned the gun towards Blossom.

Joey, dumbfounded as always, let out yet another "Whoa."

Clearly annoyed by his interruption, Six aimed the gun at him instead. "Say 'Whoa' to my little friend!" she maniacally shouted as she massacred Joey.

Despite the happy ending, this was one of the show's lowest rated episodes. The storyline was immediately dropped and the rest of series continued on, never again mentioning Joey's death, Six's drug cartel, or more importantly, how either made Blossom feel. Joey Lawrence was nominated for an Emmy, but lost to Mr. Belvedere who humorously revealed his penchants for pedophilia in the "Wrestling Wesley" episode. Consequently, the Blossom episode was never released commercially.

Today, however, I found the limited edition "Step 12: Say 'No Drugs' to 6" wall clock that commemorates the very special show. It is the only surviving remnant of the Blossom's lost episode.

This amazing piece of 90's memorabilia can be yours for only $26 from Franklin Instruments. Follow this link to buy one for yourself so you will always be reminded of the time that Blossom lost her best friend and her brother, but learned the ultimate lesson.


The said...

I think we need to talk about your wall clock obsession. You may need to follow the 12 steps yourself.

Anonymous said...

I was wondering where the hell this story was going, but it was all worth it when I got to the punchline. Holy poop, this made me laugh. This blog entry is a masterpiece.

Alan said...

I went to college with Six's real life brother, Peter. He told us of how he became distant from his sister once she went to Hollywood.