I am a Real American

Tonight I decided to join the rest of the country by driving home late from work, picking up a couple double cheeseburgers from McDonald's, and watching some reality TV that requires America's votes for contestants to proceed. I'm even partaking in a very rare RoBeast act--dessert. I should probably tell you that my dessert is actually a lollipop with a mealworm in the center. Not really an American delicacy, but hey, it's my post-dinner indulgence. I just found a hair on my lollipop. I don't know what's grosser, the hair, the worm, or the McDonald's meat.

Unfortunately, I came home so late that I missed the first 45 minutes of Dancing With The Stars. I really wanted to catch Penn Jillette because I'm a big fan and I'll support any agnostic infiltrating prime time television (from now on referred to as Agnies). I didn't catch any of his performance though.

I did just witness my second favorite male contestant, Steve Guttenberg. He kinda sucked, but at least he looked like he had fun doing it. He's in pretty good shape these days, but I prefer his hair dark and 'fro-ier like it was in Police Academy. I was a huge Police Academy fan back in the Nineteen Hundred and Eighties, and was bummed out when Guttenberg did not continue with the franchise past the 4th chapter. I don't know what he's been doing since, but I did recently watch Short Circuit for the millionth time. I have to say that seeing him in his post-dance interview made me realize that he was never really acting in any of his movies. He was just being himself the whole time. I mean, except for when he went undercover in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment and played a gang member, he was never required to really exert himself. That part was probably Guttenberg's first assignment too. Police Academy 2 rules. I've never typed truer words into a digital jukebox and saved the proof with my shitty cell phone camera. At least I don't have to hotlink anything this time.

A chance came in my life a few years ago to pay tribute to him when my band recorded an EP. We were brainstorming possible titles and Guttenberg came up. I lobbied hard for it, but our former drummer, who has since requested that I never use his name again publicly, vetoed it, saying it sounded too much like a concentration camp. Bullshit. I've since gotten over it because I found out that a group called Goldbloom came up with The Guttenberg EP first earlier this decade, but that doesn't make it any less of a great idea. Goldbloom's a really good name though, and any band named after a Jewish actor deserves to have an EP named after a Jewish actor. We finally settled on Guillotine of Fire, but I'm throwing Vigoda in the hat for the next one.

This Dancing with the Stars show is really long and really boring and I'll probably never watch another episode, to be honest. I watch such little television these days that I don't have the time to invest in keeping up with some dancing crap, even if my favorite rabble rousers are contestants. TV is snorezville anyway. That reminds me, someone committed a major faux pas in the gym at work today by leaving Spongebob Squarepants on. I excused Saved by the Bell because of the nostalgia factor, but Bob Esponja? Gimme a break.

One last shitty observation before I go back to ignoring the box and just listen to prank calls, and I'm sure I won't be the first blogger on Erff to say this... but when did Monica Seles turn into Celine Dion?

Listen up, Shorties

I was going to post a He Said to the Pink Knight's She Said about Hilary, but my heart's just not in it. I don't currently agree or disagree with anything she or Tina Fey said, I just had a semi-relevant post idea that I had been kicking around for a few days that would have served to knock Hilary down a notch. Plus, aren't we supposed to be drumming some controversy here or something? We've yet to butt heads, buttheads.

Politics really isn't my arena anyway. Apparently, timeliness isn't either. I caught the CNN clip over the weekend that showed Hilary stealing lines from one of Bill's old speeches. It made me pukey. I still had yet to even really begin showing interest in narrowing down candidates to potentially vote for in November, but this was a major strike for Hilary with the Ro-beast caucus.

So earlier tonight I was all psyched and shit to look up the CNN clip and be all "Where's your Hilary now, motherhumpers?" when I discovered that this plagiarism deal was a majorly hot topic. For like five minutes, but still. Hilary's plagiarizing Bill Clinton and John Edwards. Obama is plagiarizing some other dude...

They're all fucking robots that need to have their motherboards struck by lightning before I am convinced they have any real personality of their own.

So, I'll be staying out of politics for now, but that doesn't clear up my own blog personality disorder. I have no business reviewing drinks or music or poop culture either. I turned out to be a shitty podcaster when I tried that last summer and now here I can't even put a weekly feature together two weeks in a row. I have clearly not gotten my blogroove on yet, and there's a chance that I may never consistent stimulate your eblogenous zones, but I want to offer up this pact: I'll keep my paragraphs short, random, dirty, and full of made up words and intentional Type-O's, if you promise to read 'em all and not look bored. Occasionally, I may snark up the wrong tree, but if I make you laugh more than I make you cry, you have to forgive me.

Moving along, dudes and dudettes... today I saw that Sarah Bareillis has the number one song on some chart. Another artist that owes me absolutely nothing because I jumped on their bandwagon way too late is this Flo Rida person or persons. I heard this "Low" song for the first time last week and I was completely amazed by the chorus. I mean, obviously, the lyrics are ridiculous to the Undredth degree, but the sincerity in the harmonies and layers of back-up vocals is very endearing to me. The rest of the song can burn up in re-entry for all I care, but that fucking chorus is heading straight for the stars. It's got a straight delivery, but at the same time, isn't taking itself completely seriously. Sure, it gets repeated six hundred times in the song, but that's the only thing that gets me through the whole thing. This is number one on some chart too, and I'm glad. I think the version I hear on the radio has even more harmonies than this version, but I'm not going to go buy the fucking Step Up 2 Soundtrack just to confirm:



I don't even know if it's Flo Rida or T-Pain (who is given the obligatory "featuring" credit) that is responsible for the chorus, but they can split the 1 Kudos they're getting from Ro-Beast Rollie until I figure out the deal. Here's yet another version of the song, this time with Travis Barker playing drums along with the track:



By the way, if anyone is wondering, my favorite part is when they emphasize "With the straps." I'll be back later with last week's Stupid Q&A session. I gotta go complete my 24 hour cycle of bad eating choices.