March 17, 2008

I am a Real American

Tonight I decided to join the rest of the country by driving home late from work, picking up a couple double cheeseburgers from McDonald's, and watching some reality TV that requires America's votes for contestants to proceed. I'm even partaking in a very rare RoBeast act--dessert. I should probably tell you that my dessert is actually a lollipop with a mealworm in the center. Not really an American delicacy, but hey, it's my post-dinner indulgence. I just found a hair on my lollipop. I don't know what's grosser, the hair, the worm, or the McDonald's meat.

Unfortunately, I came home so late that I missed the first 45 minutes of Dancing With The Stars. I really wanted to catch Penn Jillette because I'm a big fan and I'll support any agnostic infiltrating prime time television (from now on referred to as Agnies). I didn't catch any of his performance though.

I did just witness my second favorite male contestant, Steve Guttenberg. He kinda sucked, but at least he looked like he had fun doing it. He's in pretty good shape these days, but I prefer his hair dark and 'fro-ier like it was in Police Academy. I was a huge Police Academy fan back in the Nineteen Hundred and Eighties, and was bummed out when Guttenberg did not continue with the franchise past the 4th chapter. I don't know what he's been doing since, but I did recently watch Short Circuit for the millionth time. I have to say that seeing him in his post-dance interview made me realize that he was never really acting in any of his movies. He was just being himself the whole time. I mean, except for when he went undercover in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment and played a gang member, he was never required to really exert himself. That part was probably Guttenberg's first assignment too. Police Academy 2 rules. I've never typed truer words into a digital jukebox and saved the proof with my shitty cell phone camera. At least I don't have to hotlink anything this time.

A chance came in my life a few years ago to pay tribute to him when my band recorded an EP. We were brainstorming possible titles and Guttenberg came up. I lobbied hard for it, but our former drummer, who has since requested that I never use his name again publicly, vetoed it, saying it sounded too much like a concentration camp. Bullshit. I've since gotten over it because I found out that a group called Goldbloom came up with The Guttenberg EP first earlier this decade, but that doesn't make it any less of a great idea. Goldbloom's a really good name though, and any band named after a Jewish actor deserves to have an EP named after a Jewish actor. We finally settled on Guillotine of Fire, but I'm throwing Vigoda in the hat for the next one.

This Dancing with the Stars show is really long and really boring and I'll probably never watch another episode, to be honest. I watch such little television these days that I don't have the time to invest in keeping up with some dancing crap, even if my favorite rabble rousers are contestants. TV is snorezville anyway. That reminds me, someone committed a major faux pas in the gym at work today by leaving Spongebob Squarepants on. I excused Saved by the Bell because of the nostalgia factor, but Bob Esponja? Gimme a break.

One last shitty observation before I go back to ignoring the box and just listen to prank calls, and I'm sure I won't be the first blogger on Erff to say this... but when did Monica Seles turn into Celine Dion?


teh Beauty said...

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Kirk said...

Absorbent and yellow and porous is he! Spongebob gets a bad rap. I think it's a pretty well-done cartoon, and one of the only "kids" cartoons I can enjoy as an adult. Tom Kenny (formerly of Mr. Show) is probably the only actor who could pull off playing a sponge.
I saw the Penn dance. It was worth seeing. He said it would be like watching Sasquatch dance, and that's exactly what it was like. There was even a shot of Teller watching from the audience with his usual smilin' face.

emperor feeney said...

i'm squidward i'm squidward squidward squidward squidward.