March 9, 2008

You Can't Always Get What You Want.

You may have heard of this SXSW thing we have going on right now in Austin. It's a big deal if you're on teh internets, in film, or the music industry. But, I live here so I get megadoses of it every year and every year I manage to get sick. Part of it is, of course, the constant strain of non-stop binge-drinking and open bars that is SXSW, part of it is all the filthy germs you people bring with you on the the tubular disease incubators you call planes, and part of it is the TREE SEX. We are caught between Winter and Spring down here in the ATX which means it gets cold and the cedar trees mate, and then it warms up and everything else plantlike goes into a mating frenzy. I am allergic to all of your Earthly plant sexes. Neverending golden showers of pollen that make my immune system freak out and go into overdrive. So rude! It's not like I go and have sex all up in your xylem; why must you fuck my sinuses? Why? I need someone to make giant tree condoms. I reject the programming in your pollen that says maaaaate, fornicate, incubate. I will rail against the snotz and curse your very names. For humanity, we are partially to blame for my allergy woes. There are not a lot of old-growth forests left. We keep cutting down the trees before they can become stately old men and women, and we keep replanting more to make up the difference. Which just means we are surrounded by a sea of horny teenager trees, and all they want to do is GET IT ON in my forebrain, if possible. Miserable. I am miserable and contemplating a benadryl IV. Maybe that would help. TREES. I hope you're happy with yourselves now; I just want to know whose gonna clothe and feed and care for all these lungbabies? It sure as hell is not going to be me. Dear TREES, I'm leaving you. Keep the kids. You'll be hearing from my lawyers.

Here I am, huddled over my keyboard and watching porn instead of doing fun things and meeting people. I must husband my strength and rally for I still have 2 WHOLE sections of SXSW to go, and I'm working all of music. I really cannot afford to be sick. Nope, better sit here and stew and watch people do horrible things to each other on the internet because I CANNOT LOOK AWAY and live to party for the next 10 days or so. A friend of mine asked me the other day what kind of porn do I watch? And the answer is the grossest kind around. Because here is the thing about porn the more you watch the more blasé you come about it. You need more, more, more, and if you're jaded like me....well then, you need to seek out the freakish and the gross. I don't really find all that stuff sexxxay though; I am an odd brew of horrified and titillated, and that's what this week is about. The things about sex that both attract and repel you. I used to masturbate to the West Wing (liberal porn). Watching the way this country would be run if a real President was in power was incredibly erotic for me during the curse of the BUSH monarchy and the warm blue glow didn't hurt either.

No more TV porn for me though. Battlestar Galactica is off the air, and now they've pushed its air date back to JUNE when they already have 13 episodes in the can! FUCK YOU Scifi Network makers of Frankenfish and Tail Wind aka that Scorpions on a Plane movie. Fuck you with Cheney's dick which is, seriously, right now the most vile and repellent thing I can think of. *shiver* Bring me back my BSG and the glorious hatefuck that is Starbuck and Apollo. But they won't; they refuse to make me happy. Instead, I am stuck with the internets and double penetration porn. Wha? Yes. Double penetration male or female, I care not for such distinctions. I am just fascinated with the glorious ballet of 2 cocks pistoning in time to a magickal ball-smacking rhythm. Seriously, I could probably watch industrial machinery with pounding pistons and get just as sexually excited. Ooohhhh! Heyyyy, something to think about for later. I have watched all the free porn available on the internets, so you don't have to. You really should thank me as these eyes cannot unsee the things that I have seen. Listen, I'm not going to throw you directly into the wolf pit. Let's start slow and work our way around to the horror. Let's start with some comical relief, porn bloopers.

Yes PORN bloopers because, you know, into every life a little cum must fall. If you're a cameraman who films porn for a living, it's probably good for you to get a face full of it every now then. Turnabout is after all fairplay. I have captured here, for you, the exquisite crisis moment, the punchline if you will. Yes, if such a thing as karma ever existed it is amply demonstrated in my two favorite porn bloopers. You really should see the whole clip. If you tenderly click on his face, it'll take you directly to the clip on Pornhub; it's only 13 seconds out of your life. Someone get that man a tissue and some penicillin, stat! I bet he's thinking, "Thanks Mom for paying for those four years at Full Sail, so I can film porn and get facials." You've gotta have goals. Goals will take you places in life.

Some people's goals are simple; they merely want to feel their cock rubbing against another man's cock through a woman's taint. Listen kids, dreams can come true; it can happen to you! Even though most men (judging from my extensive porn viewing) seem to love hosing a young lady with gallons of their sperm in her hair, in her face, on her tits, in her mouth; apparently, men do not so much enjoy having the hose turned on themselves. I love the faces in both of these pornbloopers. When I watch it, it goes into slo-mo for me and if I listen very hard I can hear their very souls shrieking in horror and disgust. I think in any language the message is clear, "Nooooooooooooo, you douuuuuuuuuuche." I will warn you that when you click on the picture, it is going to start right in on some vigorous dp action, and then the situation quickly comes to a head (haha, so clever I am) and goes sideways from there. 30 seconds of pure hilarity and delight. What are you waiting for?

The porn bloopers were fun right? Don't get all huffy and leave just yet. I have something that is made entirely of awesome just for you. Finally, I leave you with the 2 great tastes that taste great together PORN and KUNG-FU. This is an old clip, and I used to know the title of the movie it was clipped from, but it escapes me now...Crouching Tiger, Hidden Salami? Dunno, I just know that this is about a 1,000 times more entertaining than watching Sally Mae earn her community college tuition by getting plowed by Trevor and Steve while Biff watches. Sadly, most porn is just terribly, terribly depressing and not really all that sexy or fun.

**Update: Professor_Booty says it's from A Chinese Torture Chamber Story**

Never fear gentle readers. I will separate the wheat from the chaff and only offer you the finest in hilarity and despair. Because everything I do baby, I do it for you.

ps. I have a gallery of SXSW 2008 pics here that I'll keep updating until my sinuses give out on me completely.


Robin said...

All I can say is.... Next time we meet..... INVINCIBLE WHEEL!!!!!!!!

And it looks lke the teenaged oak out front of my Austin home just splooged a Bukake on my PT Cruiser...

Gods what an age we live in, sexy lady ;P

teh Beauty said...

Tree Bukakke! GENIUS!

Ro-Beast Rollie said...


Jo said...

Girth mirth.

Emperor Feeney said...

Kung Fu Vixens