March 11, 2008


Vorepron: The Digester of the Universe?

I'm just going to pretend that no one reading this knows what "Vore" means, even though most of you probably do, and a handful of you are probably into it. But, none of you have the mouth that launched a thousand ships.

(That would be me.)

Let's hit this chronologically. In late 2005 I decided to join the rest of Erff and upload my first video to YouTube. I shot off a quick recording because I didn't know how long upload times would take. I put my mouth up to the lens, said "I'm gonna eat you" and turned off the recording. Uploaded that shit and successfully viewed it. End scene.

About a year later I discovered that my pointless 3-second exercise in digital sight and sound was getting a disproportionate amount of attention compared to the rest of my clips. What was everyone's problem? Band antics not interesting enough? Little Layla running around in circles talking about poop not cute enough? My aunt starting a mosh pit not awesome enough? Apparently not. Whatevs.

Another year went by and my little clip had well over 2,000 hits and I actually had a few high rating. And comments like "Awesome! Please eat me and swallow my whole. I want to live in your stomach!" and "I would make out with that mouth. For hours. For four Hours. Our mouths. Ours for Four Hours. Oh the spit." weren't from my smart-ass friends. And there were links. Who the fuck was linking to a stupid video of my mouth?

This time I had to know. I did a quick search and found some other YouTube channels with my video on them, along with dozens of videos of other dudes' mouths. The tag Vore was the common thread. Not knowing what Vore was, I looked it up on Wiki-wiki-wiki-wikipedia. I'll save you the search (and continuing pretend you already don't know):

Vorarephilia (often misspelled voreaphilia/voraphilia due to similar pronunciation), also known as phagophilia or simply called vore for short, is a fetish and paraphilia where arousal occurs from the idea of being eaten, eating another, or watching this process. The fantasy may include digestion, which may be imagined to be painless.

All righty then. How do I feel about my purty little mouth's 15 minutes of fame? Well, I'm not hurting myself or anyone else. I'm not unwittingly encouraging anything illegal or immoral. I have no problems with people sitting naked in front of their computer doing who knows what while pretending they're bumping their forehead on my uvula, if that is indeed part of the fantasy. No one's going to track me down and demand that I eat them whole on the spot, although at the furniture store on Sunday, some dude tripped on the stairs behind me and nearly ate my ass. That may not have been an accident.

I'm up to nearly 2,500 hits (how many tissue boxes does that equal?), but now I'm wondering if I can do better. I've got some ideas on how to top that original clip, but I don't know if producing a premeditated video makes me a Vore sell-out or a pioneer. I mean, maybe part of my audience's fantasy is the fact that I'm ignorant about the whole thing, and that it wouldn't be so naughty if I had a clue. On the other hand, maybe this is my calling? I think I've got decent lips. I'm a good eater. I'm President of the Clean Plate Club. I'm not afraid to take ridiculous pictures of my mouth.

To eat you or not to eat you. This is my eternal struggle.

Speaking of eating, here's a special bonus entry where I bite the hand that feeds the mouth I kiss. I applied for BATR.COM to enable Google AdSense this morning (yes, again with the selling out.) Seriously though, I'm mostly just curious to see what ads show up for the ridiculously colorful variety of keywords we use in these wacky blog entries. But of course, there's the Pink Knight's dream of Pantsless Profit that I can use as a motivator/excuse. I'm obviously not a businessbeast.

Filling out the application was easy enough, but I took a look at their policies, and it just didn't seem fun anymore. The first big no-no is encouraging clicks. I can ads on my page, but I can't tell anyone to click them. I understand that this is somehow in the spirit of fair play, because after all, we would be getting paid for you to click them. "But aren't these ads on my blank space?" I says. And then Google will come back and say "But isn't your blank space actually our Blogger space that we let you use free of charge? And then I say "Isn't our content the only reason anyone will ever see the words Blogger or Google on this blank space?" And then they come back with "Don't you know who you're messing with?" and I retort "When I say 'I made you' you gotta say 'you made me.' How childish can you get?" I mean, I get it, but I don't get it. Google AdSense's job is to trick people into clicking ads, but with no help from me. I can't make arrows and blinking graphics saying "Click these" or any other misleading or subliminally suggestive play to get you to view an advertisement that you normally would not view. But isn't that what advertising is?

And doesn't that make it our time?
Apparently the answer is still "No."

Their next issue has to do with site content.

Sites displaying Google ads may not include:
  • Violent content, racial intolerance, or advocacy against any individual, group, or organization
  • Pornography, adult, or mature content
  • Hacking/cracking content
  • Illicit drugs and drug paraphernalia
  • Excessive profanity
  • Gambling or casino-related content
  • Content regarding programs which compensate users for clicking on ads or offers, performing searches, surfing websites, or reading emails
  • Excessive, repetitive, or irrelevant keywords in the content or code of web pages
  • Deceptive or manipulative content or construction to improve your site's search engine ranking, e.g., your site's PageRank
  • Sales or promotion of weapons or ammunition (e.g., firearms, fighting knives, stun guns)
  • Sales or promotion of beer or hard alcohol
  • Sales or promotion of tobacco or tobacco-related products
  • Sales or promotion of prescription drugs
  • Sales or promotion of products that are replicas or imitations of designer goods
  • Sales or distribution of term papers or student essays
  • Any other content that is illegal, promotes illegal activity, or infringes on the legal rights of others
No more hate speech against the Blue Bastards on Planet Doom? No more dudes' faces "accidentally" getting jizzed upon? I can't say "EAT MY SMOKING NIPPLE CANNONS, YOU WHITE BITCH" or even "Let's go buy lots of beer for the Law and Order drinking game I'm trying to invent"? Beauty and the Ro-Beast is a website filled with extreme maturely immature content and we're not bowing down for you do-gooder Goo-dooders.

As soon as I agreed to their terms, I immediately wanted to retract. Then I thought to myself, they'll just see the last entry and deny us anyway. I wanted to get this shit-talkin' entry up before they came 'round to explore, but alas, I am too slow, and they are too fast. The bastards approved of us.


Rachel said...

*raises eyebrow* Pantsless profit? Like being a Vore star? That I think you could do with your pants on or off. Up to you.

Also, kudos on using the word uvula in a sentence. Which made me spew my tea on my keyboard.

Kirk said...

Hmm... Rachel, uh... "spew my tea on my keyboard"? Is that a euphemism?

RS3 said...

dude, do you realize how awesome this is? Now I have a reason to go to those wacky fetish parties/conventions I read about. I know Rollie..the Vore star. I cann roll in there like what the fuck I belong here I'm kickin' it with Rollie. Oh you don't know Rollie? well your just a little Bitch. Now you have mad cred, and I'm gonna ride your coat tails to chicks in Latex super hero costumes. Thats so awesome. I think I'm gonna call my mom and tell her all about it!

teh Beauty said...

Our very own little Vore whore. I couldn't be prouder! Go make mama some money!

Ro-Beast Rollie said...

Ralph, did I ever tell you about the time someone pissed on me in bed?

RS3 said...

man why you got to bring up old shit?