March 3, 2008


I'm completely obsessed with trying new beverages every day. Unfortunately for you folks, I'm not completely obsessed with being a better beverage critic, so you'll have to be content with "It sucks" or "It rules" until I get bored with drinking all this crap.

Perverted Animator/Loyal Reader Kirk asks, "Why don't you just drink water, sucker?"

Rockstar/Robeast Rollie replies, "Yes, I know tap water is cheaper and better for me, but I'm not just doing this for me. I'm doing this for America. I'm keeping the economy flowing by buying overpriced drinks made with inexpensive ingredients often found freely in nature. It keeps the bottling industry going, the waste management business busy, and ensures profits for local convenient stores and cafeteria after the huge markup, which means that resources besides just water will be wasted (oh, I meant consumed). Plenty of electricity is needed to run these bottling plants. Trucks to distributes these products will require gas and may even contribute to poisoning the air we breathe. Jobs and money and pretty colors... that's what I'm talking about here! See the waves I make with my powerful flavored drink? What waves has water ever made? If it makes you feel better, I'll use an ice cube next time, Capt. Kirk."

Butt seriously, folks, I'm just experimenting here. I still do drink a lot of water. It gets boring drinking exclusively water, though. Variety is the spice of life, but I'm not interested in traveling to a thousand cities right now so I can review the differences in the world's tap water. And to be quite honest, a lot of these sports drinks do have vitamins and nutrients that simply do not come in plain old tap water. Right now I'm doing a lot of running and weight lifting, and I'm genuinely interested in ingesting some new man-made technologically-enhanced drinks (MMTED's) that may or may not aid my body's cell system hydration (BCSH) and post-workout muscle recovery time (PWMRT), and while regular spring water may have temporarily worked for our lifespan challenged forefathers (LC4F's), I'd prefer to be a genetically improved megapower (GIMP) regardless of the side effects.

Take Accelerade, for example. I tried their Fruit Punch yesterday while walking and working out, but not until after I studied their website. This drink is serious business and has a lot of crazy shit in it and tons of fancy theories on how to take advantage of it. The packaging itself looks like a website. It has a celebrity endorsement, 8 action shots of people running and biking, bulletin points, multiple boxes of info, and a 50 word thesis statement! The online FAQ actually includes instructions on How to Drink it. No, you don't just open your mouth and dump it down your throat. You have to do it the way the scienticians explain:

How should I use Accelerade?

Accelerade should be used to rehydrate the body during exercise and also whenever additional energy is needed. The optimal amount of Accelerade to drink during activity depends on the type and intensity of activity, air temperature, and your body size and fitness level.

  • Before exercise: consume approximately 12-20 oz. of fluid 2 hours prior to exercise and 7-10 oz. of fluid 15-20 min prior to exercise
  • During exercise: as a general rule you should consume approximately 20-32 oz. of fluid for every hour of exercise. This should consist of ingesting several ounces of Accelerade every 10 to 15 minutes throughout activity. However, there is large variability between individuals as to their tolerance for fluid intake. Further, during many athletic events the frequency and volume of fluids available may be limited. Individuals are encouraged to drink as much as can be tolerated within the recommendation above without inducing gastrointestinal distress
  • Following exercise: consume approximately 20-24 oz. of fluid per pound of weight loss after exercise

As with any sports nutrition product, you should incorporate it into your daily training to determine what works best and not experiment with a new routine on race day.

Did I do all that? Oh Hell no. I only have two fucking 20 oz. bottles. Granted, after working out, I felt like I could have kept going a lot longer, but I do often get a natural high from that. As for the taste, it was very similar to Gatorade Fruit Punch, but with a weird milky/chalky aftertaste. Milky, because, well, there's milk in it. Chalky, because the scienticians definitely spent a lot of time at the blackboard coming up with this crazy shit.

And now that I've taken all this time to explain this crap, I'm not going to have time to tell the story I promised yesterday. So every one can thank Kirk, who, to add insult to injury, has already heard the story.

So, real quick... Snapple Raspberry Acerola Antioxidant Water - bueno. Snapple Immunity-Building Peach Mangosteen Tea - muy, muy bueno, plus Mangosteen sounds kinda Jewish. My problem with these Premium Teas (and with regular Snapple teas) is always having to choose between Caffeine or Calories. Waahh, I know. I'm going to ease off on the Snapple reviews for a while.

Changing topics. How's Your News is the most heart-warming documentary I've ever seen in my entire life. The only thing that could out-melt it is if a bunny kissed a cat's boo-boo, proposed to it in the rain on Valentine's Day, and then delivered its litter of hypercute hybrid kittyrabbit babies in a manger next to Baby Jesus. Don't lie, you would all be lining up to lick them clean.

Hmmm... Diet KittyRabbit* Amnion with Electrolytes. Who wants to invest?

* While I would love to take credit for inventing the term KittyRabbit, alas, I can not. The coinajjj belongs to James Saunderson, who sometimes used that term to refer to a moody black cat named Sadie (Sadie), who used to be my homeboy's Lady (Lady). This cat that could also amazingly speak on command. I hope James has a blog out there somewhere in Interspace with an entry about my dog that tried to kill him. Not a fond memory I'm sure, but certainly an exciting story nonetheless.


Emperor Feeney said...

Bayville Tapwater gets you drunk.

Kirk said...

Rollie, your words melt like butter in my brain.

Anonymous said...