May 27, 2010
May 24, 2010
He Doesn't Steal Magnolias Either
Here are the things the person who broke into my car last night did not steal:
- EZ-Pass
- Motorola Nextel Phone
- 5 empty moving boxes
- Travel-sized bottle of Purel
- Verizon phone car charger
- Blank VHS-C tapes in package
- 2009 Melissa Surach Calendar
- Medium-sized Brown Hoodie from Old Navy
- $100+ of change in box waiting to go to Coinstar
- Pink Post-Its with potentially killer song lyrics on them
- Crate Powerblock Amplifier Head, Zoom 1010 Guitar Effects Pedal, Fostex Digital 8-track, and other various electronics in a box in the trunk
- Dillinger Escape Plan's Option Paralysis, Every Time I Die's New Junk Aesthetic, Torrential Downpour's Self-Titled Debut LP, Matthew Sweet's 100% Fun, and 20 various awesome Mix CD-Rs
- Car Stereo
- Car
- Less than $3 in change (maybe)
May 20, 2010
Draw Muhammad Day 2010
You can do your own research into what Draw Muhammed Day 2010 is. It shouldn't be too difficult today (unless you live in Pakistan). I am just going to unveil my drawing and say that I think Free Speech and Comedy will forever be more important than any Religion. Have a fun life (and donate blood if you can).
May 19, 2010
American Express: The Plot Sickens
Further dicking around on the American Express website netted this banner:
The shimmering golden shower behind the phrase "including those already purchased" was enough for me to call up and see just WTF was the deal at that place. After entering my card number and security code to the automated cyborg, my balance was spit back at me. $38, yeah I know. Thanks. Pressing zero a few times got me to a human, who, as you could guess, asked me to give him my card number and security code. Again.
I told him that I activated my card today and discovered that my balance was much lower than the amount stated on the card. Then I told him that I saw on the website that cards are apparently not subject to fees or lost value any more, including ones already purchased.
He, Carlos, explained that my card was purchased in April 2008. To me, that seems to fit the criteria--it was purchased and already purchased--so I would think these fees would be waived, but it's not the case, apparently. My monthly fees were charged according to the original rules--12 months of no fees, then 6 months of $2 fees from April 2009 until October 2009 when they came up with the New American Express Gift Card no fee promotion. Cards are not reimbursed retroactively.
You may be saying to yourself, "Retroactive? But RoBeast Rollie's gift card wasn't actually activated until today!" Excellent question, you!
Turns out that there is no such thing as activating a gift card. They are "automatically activated upon purchase" and the 12 month waiving of charges followed by monthly fees begins immediately. That sticker on the card that says "To activate your Card, please call 1-888-233-8637" in big purple letters is a figment of your imagination. The automated voice that answers with "Thank you for calling American Express Gift Card Activation Line" is just joking. If you follow the prompts and enter your card information, and the voice says "Your gift card from American Express is active and ready for use. Please remove the activation sticker now. No further action is needed," then I don't know what you're smoking because that didn't happen, dude.
So, my fees will not reimbursed because of American Express' activation scam. And those sons of bitches covered their own tracks too. In that activation call you just imagined in the last paragraph they say "Your gift card from American Express is active and ready for use." They purposely don't say "Your gift card is now activated" because, to them, it's already active. You don't know that, because, to you, the ambiguous verb tense of "active" feels like it applies to the present. And technically, it does because it's active in that's it's actively incurring monthly fees. Motherfuckers.
And I didn't realize this until I called The Activation Line back so I could get exact quotes for this blog entry, but I really did imagine entering my Gift Card information. You see, they only technically ask you to enter the last 5 numbers of the card. Of course this means that you can enter virtually ANY FUCKING NUMBER and it will give you the same "Your American Express gift card is active" line. 69317, 64825, 45876, 66669, 90210... it doesn't matter because any card they've ever issued is already activated and your pressing of numbers and pound keys just sells the fucking illusion! And you're too busy feeling joy over the gift you just got to stop and realize that you are actually being taken advantage of.
It's amazing that they even go through the charade of the activation. I told Carlos that I was confused as to why the cards would even be shipped with the sticker on them and he mumbled his way through a non-explanation and then actually asked me why I was confused. Why? WHY, CARLOS? I guess I'm confused as to why anyone would work for such a deceptive company. To their credit (pun not intended), they have discontinued this practice of monthly fees, but how long did this bullshit go on for and how much did they steal from people? I guarantee this only stopped when they got called on it. Maybe I'm really more sad than confused. Sad that lots of people probably lost lots of money. Sad that giant corporations will actually go to the length of setting up official sounding phone lines for the sole purpose of deceiving people. Sad that any business can put "America" in their company name and then turn around and FUCK AMERICANS EVERY DAY.
Well... that's my $38.02. Thanks for listening.
The shimmering golden shower behind the phrase "including those already purchased" was enough for me to call up and see just WTF was the deal at that place. After entering my card number and security code to the automated cyborg, my balance was spit back at me. $38, yeah I know. Thanks. Pressing zero a few times got me to a human, who, as you could guess, asked me to give him my card number and security code. Again.
I told him that I activated my card today and discovered that my balance was much lower than the amount stated on the card. Then I told him that I saw on the website that cards are apparently not subject to fees or lost value any more, including ones already purchased.
He, Carlos, explained that my card was purchased in April 2008. To me, that seems to fit the criteria--it was purchased and already purchased--so I would think these fees would be waived, but it's not the case, apparently. My monthly fees were charged according to the original rules--12 months of no fees, then 6 months of $2 fees from April 2009 until October 2009 when they came up with the New American Express Gift Card no fee promotion. Cards are not reimbursed retroactively.
You may be saying to yourself, "Retroactive? But RoBeast Rollie's gift card wasn't actually activated until today!" Excellent question, you!
Turns out that there is no such thing as activating a gift card. They are "automatically activated upon purchase" and the 12 month waiving of charges followed by monthly fees begins immediately. That sticker on the card that says "To activate your Card, please call 1-888-233-8637" in big purple letters is a figment of your imagination. The automated voice that answers with "Thank you for calling American Express Gift Card Activation Line" is just joking. If you follow the prompts and enter your card information, and the voice says "Your gift card from American Express is active and ready for use. Please remove the activation sticker now. No further action is needed," then I don't know what you're smoking because that didn't happen, dude.
So, my fees will not reimbursed because of American Express' activation scam. And those sons of bitches covered their own tracks too. In that activation call you just imagined in the last paragraph they say "Your gift card from American Express is active and ready for use." They purposely don't say "Your gift card is now activated" because, to them, it's already active. You don't know that, because, to you, the ambiguous verb tense of "active" feels like it applies to the present. And technically, it does because it's active in that's it's actively incurring monthly fees. Motherfuckers.
And I didn't realize this until I called The Activation Line back so I could get exact quotes for this blog entry, but I really did imagine entering my Gift Card information. You see, they only technically ask you to enter the last 5 numbers of the card. Of course this means that you can enter virtually ANY FUCKING NUMBER and it will give you the same "Your American Express gift card is active" line. 69317, 64825, 45876, 66669, 90210... it doesn't matter because any card they've ever issued is already activated and your pressing of numbers and pound keys just sells the fucking illusion! And you're too busy feeling joy over the gift you just got to stop and realize that you are actually being taken advantage of.
It's amazing that they even go through the charade of the activation. I told Carlos that I was confused as to why the cards would even be shipped with the sticker on them and he mumbled his way through a non-explanation and then actually asked me why I was confused. Why? WHY, CARLOS? I guess I'm confused as to why anyone would work for such a deceptive company. To their credit (pun not intended), they have discontinued this practice of monthly fees, but how long did this bullshit go on for and how much did they steal from people? I guarantee this only stopped when they got called on it. Maybe I'm really more sad than confused. Sad that lots of people probably lost lots of money. Sad that giant corporations will actually go to the length of setting up official sounding phone lines for the sole purpose of deceiving people. Sad that any business can put "America" in their company name and then turn around and FUCK AMERICANS EVERY DAY.
Well... that's my $38.02. Thanks for listening.
American Express: The Gift That Gives To Itself
Today I started using my first big boy wallet. There's no velcro or a hole to attach a chain, no dated tribal designs or embroidered elephants, and it isn't made out of duct tape. It's just a boring bi-fold leather thing that won't seem to stay closed on its own. Even though I just tossed out a lot of extraneous plastic and paper (FYI--I stopped carrying my Ren & Stimpy Yak Shaving Day card when it expired back in '00), I still have too much crap in it.
There's one item that seems to be getting smaller since I first received it though--an American Express Gift Card in the amount of $50. I received it from a boss of mine as a work incentive for doing something I can't recall years ago. My plan was pool it together with other gift certificates I'd received from the company and buy myself a laptop.
Well, as it turns out, American Express cards don't sit around and wait for you to spend them. Like regular credit cards, they expire, but... the fucking money disappears from them years before the expiration date. Let me blow up the fine print for you:
"Subject to $2.00 monthly service fee applies, but is waived for the first 12 months after purchase."
My $50 gift card that I just activated for the first time today is actually only worth $38 (if I use it today, that is). Doing the math, this means American Express started deducting its "fee" 6 months ago, and the card was purchased 18 total months ago. The card "expires" in July 2011. Yeah, the fucking $12 that would still be left on it in July 2011. Considering that American Express actually charges $3.95 for a $50 card in the first place, this is a real scam and a half.
Is it my fault for not reading the fine print and spending the money sooner? Sure, I guess it is a little bit, but seriously, who would assume that a gift card would have strings attached? besides the obvious and reasonable expiration date, of course. But who in their right mind would assume that a service fee would be applied TO SOMETHING THAT'S NOT EVEN BEING USED. Serve me, and then I can see you collecting service fee. I mean, it's a gift, and they're cool with robbing from it? American Express can lick Ticketmaster's fucking taint while it gets a dinosaur diarrhea burrito stuck up its ass.
Sorry, I've been watching too much Angry Video Game Nerd.
There's one item that seems to be getting smaller since I first received it though--an American Express Gift Card in the amount of $50. I received it from a boss of mine as a work incentive for doing something I can't recall years ago. My plan was pool it together with other gift certificates I'd received from the company and buy myself a laptop.
Well, as it turns out, American Express cards don't sit around and wait for you to spend them. Like regular credit cards, they expire, but... the fucking money disappears from them years before the expiration date. Let me blow up the fine print for you:
"Subject to $2.00 monthly service fee applies, but is waived for the first 12 months after purchase."
My $50 gift card that I just activated for the first time today is actually only worth $38 (if I use it today, that is). Doing the math, this means American Express started deducting its "fee" 6 months ago, and the card was purchased 18 total months ago. The card "expires" in July 2011. Yeah, the fucking $12 that would still be left on it in July 2011. Considering that American Express actually charges $3.95 for a $50 card in the first place, this is a real scam and a half.
Is it my fault for not reading the fine print and spending the money sooner? Sure, I guess it is a little bit, but seriously, who would assume that a gift card would have strings attached? besides the obvious and reasonable expiration date, of course. But who in their right mind would assume that a service fee would be applied TO SOMETHING THAT'S NOT EVEN BEING USED. Serve me, and then I can see you collecting service fee. I mean, it's a gift, and they're cool with robbing from it? American Express can lick Ticketmaster's fucking taint while it gets a dinosaur diarrhea burrito stuck up its ass.
Sorry, I've been watching too much Angry Video Game Nerd.
May 17, 2010
Sign O' The Tide
What's it gonna be, Tide. Are you Effective or Useless?
By the way, there were so many possible titles for this blog entry, I may as well share some others:
- In and Out with the Tide
- It was the Best of Tides, It was the Worst of Tides
- The Print of Tide
- Decide, Tide
- Uppity with a Touch of Downy
- Oh hey look, you can buy a 100 oz. bottle of Tide with a Touch of Downy for $69.99 at Amazon and a percentage will go to the RoBeast's upcoming unemployment fund thanks to Amazon Associates that I signed up for a hundred years ago and never used until today but now that Blogger has a widget for it you can certainly expect to see more selling out on this website!
May 4, 2010
Guns, Razors, Knives, MP3s
Deftones' latest album Diamond Eyes is out today, and I am again faced with the Media Consumer's Conundrum--where do I buy it and what format? For the purposes of this blog, I am considering "consume" and "purchase" to be synonymous. I'm not going to argue here about free downloading because I think I've made it clear that I am, for the most part, against it. That being said, I did download the leaked version of Diamond Eyes weeks ago. I've only downloaded leaked albums a few times in the past (Dillinger Escape Plan's Irony is a Dead Scene, Deftones' self-titled, and tracks that eventually became System of a Down's Steal This Album) because I was curious, impatient, and knew full well that I was going to pay for the album when the true release date arrived. In each case I did, and the same goes for Diamond Eyes.
I believe we all agree that choice is good and gives power to the consumer. It also, as I experienced with Dillinger Escape Plan's Option Paralysis, can confuse the fuck out of us. Here's a quick follow up on that saga... I ended up purchasing a limited edition version of the album at FYE (the physical store), which came with different artwork, a T-shirt and a bonus track. I think I paid $20 plus tax. The bonus track ended up just being an unnecessary remix of "Gold Teeth on a Bum" and the shirt was too big for me (I ended up trading it with a bandmate for an old Every Time I Die shirt that didn't fit him). The special packaging done by former DEP singer Dimitri Minakakis was cool, but in reality I haven't looked at it since I first opened it. There was certainly the instant gratification of popping the CD in my car and blasting it on the first day it came out, but I'm not positive it was all worth it. That's not to take away from the quality of the album, but I think it has pushed me to clamp down on my music spending habits.
Now that we're in May, and there two more new albums by favorite bands of mine--Deftones and Far--I'd like to experiment a little with my routine. Today I downloaded the mp3 version of Diamond Eyes, but it was certainly not without lots of analysis.
Amazon
I've mentioned before that I was an eMusic member for a long time, so digital downloading isn't such an alternate universe for me, but I've employed it for brand new releases. The arguments over bit rate quality is always in the back of my head, but in reality, I don't notice the difference between a CD or an mp3 encoded at 192kbps or 256kbps. I've also never needed to go back to an archived CD to replace a lost mp3, or to re-encode one at a higher bit rate, so that sort of obliterates the physical backup argument. Taking this into consideration and that I rarely go back to look at album artwork that I have saved in a shoebox, I decided to give the digital format a shot this time.
With all bit rates being equal* and DRM-free, I did quick price comparisons and the most cost effective thing would be to download the 11 album tracks from Shockhound, 2 bonus tracks from Amazon, and the final bonus track from iTunes for a grand total of $10.79. Shockhound charges sales tax in NJ, but it still ended up $.50 cheaper than Amazon. I did notice that the Shockhound downloads did not have the associated album artwork, which in this case would just be a thumbnail of the album cover. They also don't appear to have the track order embedded in their name or properties. Amazon downloads don't have either of those problems, so in the future, I may pay them the extra two quarters for their assistance.
I haven't yet picked up the iTunes exclusive track because I'm always bothered by the fact that it's in a format other than mp3. I've downloaded a couple albums and tracks from iTunes in the past, and have just never gone through the hassle of burning, then ripping the tunes to listen to on my non-iPod. I may wait for it to eventually be non-exclusive and find it on Amazon in the future. Speaking of that, I see the Option Paralysis mp3 album download is now only $5 there. Amazing.
So what have we learned today? That I'm willing to spend less to gamble on the digital format with no frills, but I'm willing to spend more for what I'm being told is "bonus" music. I've seen figures that CDs are still the winning media format, so I think I'm in the minority. Am I making out on this deal? Am I being taken advantage of? Is the artist reaping any benefit? Will the rhetorical questions ever end?
* I believe all three albums were available as 256kbps, but I didn't necessarily know that going into it. None of these sites seem to explicitly advertise the bit rate for tracks. They should really list this information in a column next to the track time. Shockhound promises "192kbps minimum" but I gambled and won. I am also not an iTunes expert, but I am assuming that the $1.29 price tag suggests a 256kbps rate.
I believe we all agree that choice is good and gives power to the consumer. It also, as I experienced with Dillinger Escape Plan's Option Paralysis, can confuse the fuck out of us. Here's a quick follow up on that saga... I ended up purchasing a limited edition version of the album at FYE (the physical store), which came with different artwork, a T-shirt and a bonus track. I think I paid $20 plus tax. The bonus track ended up just being an unnecessary remix of "Gold Teeth on a Bum" and the shirt was too big for me (I ended up trading it with a bandmate for an old Every Time I Die shirt that didn't fit him). The special packaging done by former DEP singer Dimitri Minakakis was cool, but in reality I haven't looked at it since I first opened it. There was certainly the instant gratification of popping the CD in my car and blasting it on the first day it came out, but I'm not positive it was all worth it. That's not to take away from the quality of the album, but I think it has pushed me to clamp down on my music spending habits.
Now that we're in May, and there two more new albums by favorite bands of mine--Deftones and Far--I'd like to experiment a little with my routine. Today I downloaded the mp3 version of Diamond Eyes, but it was certainly not without lots of analysis.
- Standard CD [explicit] - $9.99
- Standard CD [clean] - $18.98
- Vinyl (unknown track listing) - $21.83
- Import CD (unknown track listing) - $44.98
- Standard Digital [explicit] - $7.99
- Standard Digital [clean] - $7.99
- Deluxe Digital [explicit] (two bonus tracks) - $9.99
- Individual tracks Digital (13 available) - $0.99
- Standard Digital [explicit] - $9.99
- Standard Digital [clean] - $9.99
- Deluxe Digital [explicit] (three bonus tracks) - $11.99
- Individual tracks Digital (14 available) - $1.29
- Standard CD [explicit] - $9.99
- Standard Digital [explicit] - $6.99
- Standard Digital [clean] - $6.99
- Deluxe Digital [explicit] (two bonus tracks) - $13.99
- Individual tracks Digital (13 available) - $1.29
- Standard CD (autographed booklet) - $16.99 (sold out)
- Standard CD - $16.99
- Standard CD [explicit] - $12.99/$11.69
- Standard CD [clean] - $14.99/$13.49
- Standard Vinyl - $22.99/$20.69
I've mentioned before that I was an eMusic member for a long time, so digital downloading isn't such an alternate universe for me, but I've employed it for brand new releases. The arguments over bit rate quality is always in the back of my head, but in reality, I don't notice the difference between a CD or an mp3 encoded at 192kbps or 256kbps. I've also never needed to go back to an archived CD to replace a lost mp3, or to re-encode one at a higher bit rate, so that sort of obliterates the physical backup argument. Taking this into consideration and that I rarely go back to look at album artwork that I have saved in a shoebox, I decided to give the digital format a shot this time.
With all bit rates being equal* and DRM-free, I did quick price comparisons and the most cost effective thing would be to download the 11 album tracks from Shockhound, 2 bonus tracks from Amazon, and the final bonus track from iTunes for a grand total of $10.79. Shockhound charges sales tax in NJ, but it still ended up $.50 cheaper than Amazon. I did notice that the Shockhound downloads did not have the associated album artwork, which in this case would just be a thumbnail of the album cover. They also don't appear to have the track order embedded in their name or properties. Amazon downloads don't have either of those problems, so in the future, I may pay them the extra two quarters for their assistance.
I haven't yet picked up the iTunes exclusive track because I'm always bothered by the fact that it's in a format other than mp3. I've downloaded a couple albums and tracks from iTunes in the past, and have just never gone through the hassle of burning, then ripping the tunes to listen to on my non-iPod. I may wait for it to eventually be non-exclusive and find it on Amazon in the future. Speaking of that, I see the Option Paralysis mp3 album download is now only $5 there. Amazing.
So what have we learned today? That I'm willing to spend less to gamble on the digital format with no frills, but I'm willing to spend more for what I'm being told is "bonus" music. I've seen figures that CDs are still the winning media format, so I think I'm in the minority. Am I making out on this deal? Am I being taken advantage of? Is the artist reaping any benefit? Will the rhetorical questions ever end?
* I believe all three albums were available as 256kbps, but I didn't necessarily know that going into it. None of these sites seem to explicitly advertise the bit rate for tracks. They should really list this information in a column next to the track time. Shockhound promises "192kbps minimum" but I gambled and won. I am also not an iTunes expert, but I am assuming that the $1.29 price tag suggests a 256kbps rate.
April 22, 2010
I Saw You Binging Your Wife on the Internet
My mp3 battery was completely drained this morning, so I flipped on the Fresh 102.7 for part of my commute (I'll save my bizarre attraction to this station for another post). A "not too old, not too light" song was coming to end and one of the morning hosts (Jim Douglas, of Jim & Kim) began a live commercial for Microsoft's search engine Bing. Well, technically it may have been a prerecorded commercial, but the point is that it was one of those testimonial type commercial that an on-air personality handles. I assume that advertisers feel this style raises the trust level by having a familiar voice throwing the pitch at you. It also tricks listeners into not realizing they're hearing a commercial, and it probably saves the client money because they don't have to pay an audio production house put a slick radio ad together. Personally, I always feel like these pitches are phony, but what do I know, I'm just the catcher (in the rye).
Anyway, Jim starts his Bing spiel and for the "personal touch" portion of the ad, he brings up a vague anecdote about getting his wife a present. Now, Jim is a consummate radio guy with a clear, professional radio voice, so I really can't tell if he's speaking from his heart or simply reading from a script--it all sort of sounds the same to me. My guess is that the Bing folks have some "make-sure-to-throw-this-in" bullet points on a piece of a paper, and it's up to him to string them into a coherent monologue.
Basically, Jim's story so matter-of-factly described him not knowing what gift to get his wife, but thanks to Bing, all he had to do was click a button to dig through his wife's search history for ideas. And because Bing so conveniently categorizes search history, he had no problem deducing what to buy her (probably that special rock t-shirt she wanted so damn much). While I don't think Jim's story really happened, I am confident that Bing wants it to happen... all the time. Is it just me, but doesn't this seem like sort of a potentially evil way to promote your search engine? I've only used Bing a few times, and I assume that this feature can be voluntarily turned on or off much like search history on Google. I also don't know what the default setting is, or if people are informed that their searches are being logged and categorized. I certainly don't think most people are aware that others are being encouraged to go check your search history when you aren't around and they're stumped on a gift idea. I realize the realization that in reality there's really no privacy on the internet, especially with search engines, but secretly going through your spouse's search history seems a bit like an invasion of it to me.
It's possible that I'm just overanalyzing something rooted in good-natured intention. There is presented a problem we can all relate to--being stumped on gift ideas--and Bing is simply stepping in with a logical solution to that problem. But paranoid me wonders if it's really that simple. I'm sure I could come up with great ideas for gifts by reading your secret diary, looking at your credit card statements, hiring a private investigator to follow you around all day, or implanting a miniature video camera in your glasses that records your window-shopping habits, but those are clear lines we shouldn't be crossing. Is search history any different? Is it just a 2010 version of circling items in a catalog, or is it more complicated?
Just knowing the search terms that bring people to this website make me afraid of what people might find looking in their partners' history. The 19 people looking for a "centaur sex doll" would obviously be easy to shop for, but what do you give your husband when you find the term "extended labia lady gaga" in his search history? Something tells me he's going to get a hard time and not the Deluxe Edition of The Fame Monster.
I know when it comes down to it, maybe it's good that we're being encouraged not to hide things from each other. I mean, I get a little voyeuristic kick out of knowing what people are searching for and how they end up on my site. And yeah, I can narrow things down to their city and type of web browser they use, but it's still quite anonymous. It's a different story when you start at the other end--knowing the person and the search--and speculate over where they ended up. I can't even imagine what my internet searches say about me.
Now here's my anecdote... Last Xmas, I got a bunch of DVDs from the RoBeastress that were suspiciously familiar. I must say that I felt a little uncomfortable when she admitted that she spied on me while I was browsing FYE, and took notes on what I pulled off the shelf to inspect closely. As it turned out, some of her choices were on the mark and some weren't. My crude conclusion is that simply browsing someone's browsing is just not necessarily an accurate way to measure their degree of interest. Personally, I disable search logs, so I can't analyze my own search habits (and more importantly, so others can't either). I do know that I like my humor black and my entertainment edgy, so my internet searches tend to run on the curiously morbid side. I can't imagine what would happen if The RoBeastress had relied on my internet history in search of ideas. I'd probably have ended up with The Best of Russian Army Executions and Beheadings Volume 8 in my stocking. With Tubgirl wrapping paper.
BING!
Anyway, Jim starts his Bing spiel and for the "personal touch" portion of the ad, he brings up a vague anecdote about getting his wife a present. Now, Jim is a consummate radio guy with a clear, professional radio voice, so I really can't tell if he's speaking from his heart or simply reading from a script--it all sort of sounds the same to me. My guess is that the Bing folks have some "make-sure-to-throw-this-in" bullet points on a piece of a paper, and it's up to him to string them into a coherent monologue.
Basically, Jim's story so matter-of-factly described him not knowing what gift to get his wife, but thanks to Bing, all he had to do was click a button to dig through his wife's search history for ideas. And because Bing so conveniently categorizes search history, he had no problem deducing what to buy her (probably that special rock t-shirt she wanted so damn much). While I don't think Jim's story really happened, I am confident that Bing wants it to happen... all the time. Is it just me, but doesn't this seem like sort of a potentially evil way to promote your search engine? I've only used Bing a few times, and I assume that this feature can be voluntarily turned on or off much like search history on Google. I also don't know what the default setting is, or if people are informed that their searches are being logged and categorized. I certainly don't think most people are aware that others are being encouraged to go check your search history when you aren't around and they're stumped on a gift idea. I realize the realization that in reality there's really no privacy on the internet, especially with search engines, but secretly going through your spouse's search history seems a bit like an invasion of it to me.
It's possible that I'm just overanalyzing something rooted in good-natured intention. There is presented a problem we can all relate to--being stumped on gift ideas--and Bing is simply stepping in with a logical solution to that problem. But paranoid me wonders if it's really that simple. I'm sure I could come up with great ideas for gifts by reading your secret diary, looking at your credit card statements, hiring a private investigator to follow you around all day, or implanting a miniature video camera in your glasses that records your window-shopping habits, but those are clear lines we shouldn't be crossing. Is search history any different? Is it just a 2010 version of circling items in a catalog, or is it more complicated?
Just knowing the search terms that bring people to this website make me afraid of what people might find looking in their partners' history. The 19 people looking for a "centaur sex doll" would obviously be easy to shop for, but what do you give your husband when you find the term "extended labia lady gaga" in his search history? Something tells me he's going to get a hard time and not the Deluxe Edition of The Fame Monster.
I know when it comes down to it, maybe it's good that we're being encouraged not to hide things from each other. I mean, I get a little voyeuristic kick out of knowing what people are searching for and how they end up on my site. And yeah, I can narrow things down to their city and type of web browser they use, but it's still quite anonymous. It's a different story when you start at the other end--knowing the person and the search--and speculate over where they ended up. I can't even imagine what my internet searches say about me.
Now here's my anecdote... Last Xmas, I got a bunch of DVDs from the RoBeastress that were suspiciously familiar. I must say that I felt a little uncomfortable when she admitted that she spied on me while I was browsing FYE, and took notes on what I pulled off the shelf to inspect closely. As it turned out, some of her choices were on the mark and some weren't. My crude conclusion is that simply browsing someone's browsing is just not necessarily an accurate way to measure their degree of interest. Personally, I disable search logs, so I can't analyze my own search habits (and more importantly, so others can't either). I do know that I like my humor black and my entertainment edgy, so my internet searches tend to run on the curiously morbid side. I can't imagine what would happen if The RoBeastress had relied on my internet history in search of ideas. I'd probably have ended up with The Best of Russian Army Executions and Beheadings Volume 8 in my stocking. With Tubgirl wrapping paper.
BING!
April 6, 2010
Garry Shandling: Renegade Angel
I was sick for most of last week, really bad allergies and whatnot, so I stayed confined to my bedroom most of the time taking 24 generic Claritins. Last time I took the pills for a week I did nothing but play Tetris and have crazy dreams. I also must have lost ten pounds from having absolutely no appetite.
This time was a little different. I missed out on the appetite loss and I never had stretches of sleep long enough to even begin dreaming. Most nights I just tossed and turned, sweating and talking to myself or imaginary people I thought I heard breathing in the room with me. I obsessed over songs and phrases I heard during the day. The most bizarre was the night I couldn't stop thinking about how the words "Climb" and "Limb" were spelled so similarly, but were pronounced completely different. With all this time on my hands being insane not sleeping, I turned to my red envelopes for help. Netflix was already feeding me Xavier: Renegade Angel and It's Garry Shandling's Show, so I went ahead with the program.
I wasn't really into Garry Shandling when it originally aired back in late '80's. We were an HBO family, and Shandling's Show was on Showtime. Eventually it ran on Fox, but I usually fell asleep by the first commercial break. Of course that meant hearing the amazing theme song that played over the opening credits, but not much else. I did enjoy The Larry Sanders Show years later on HBO, so I knew Shandling had the ability to make me laugh, something that's not very easy. It wasn't until 2009 that It's Garry Shandling's Show made it to DVD and once it hit Netflix, I added its four seasons to my queue.
I've always been a big fan of Wondershowzen's absurdist humor, and I've most recently been immersing myself in Tim & Eric's Awesome Show Great Job!, so I decided to take a second crack at Adult Swim's Xavier: Renegade Angel. I watched the first episode years ago when X:RA first came out in 2007 (at the insistence of Kirk, who is begging for the credit), but I had a really hard time dealing with the CGI animation style (I hadn't yet made my brief foray into Second Life). Plus I was still morning the loss of Wondershowzen (by the same creative team, PFFR) and wasn't ready to invest my time in another series. I typically don't watch any television shows as they unfold anyway. Instead, I wait until seasons or series to finish completely so I can watch everything at once on DVD. X:RA was something I just kept forgetting to come back to, but eventually, Netflix picked up the save.
I usually don't divide my attention, televisually, but in my pseudoephedrine haze, I went back and forth every night watching both. It turns out that these two programs from different generations are somehow cut from the same loin cloth. They are both postmodern powerhouses. Shandling's Show constantly makes you aware that you are watching a television show--he walks between set pieces, defers to the script, talks to the audience, and hums along with the theme song. One of my favorite moments is when he is sitting on a couch and is suddenly pummeled with 14 rolled up newspapers--we are fast-forwarding two weeks, he explains.
Xavier's meta comedy of pseudomysticism is even more of a rapid-fire assault because it only has 11 minutes to get its story finished. A truck speeding by with the word "FORESHADOWING" written on the side of it is probably the most straightforward of things that happen. The fact that the show is 100% CGI makes it much easy for them to twist the screen until it breaks. It is pretty much a nonstop mindfudge, and much like Wondershowzen, by the second season the bizarre bar is set so high you either have to be high or stop at a bar to mind the fudge at the seasonal bazaar, even for a second. I watched so many of episodes multiple times and I'm positive that I still haven't caught the majority of what's actually happening onscreen, and I look forward to diving in again from a different angle in the future.
Eventually, I started to feel better enough to stop taking the generic Claritin, but there was still to be a final blow to my fragile body. On the third disc of It's Garry Shandling's Show, there is a scene where Garry takes some Chinese food out of this oven. He starts to put on a pair of oven mitts, then abandons them in favor of another pair, then turns to the camera to talk to me...
This time was a little different. I missed out on the appetite loss and I never had stretches of sleep long enough to even begin dreaming. Most nights I just tossed and turned, sweating and talking to myself or imaginary people I thought I heard breathing in the room with me. I obsessed over songs and phrases I heard during the day. The most bizarre was the night I couldn't stop thinking about how the words "Climb" and "Limb" were spelled so similarly, but were pronounced completely different. With all this time on my hands being insane not sleeping, I turned to my red envelopes for help. Netflix was already feeding me Xavier: Renegade Angel and It's Garry Shandling's Show, so I went ahead with the program.
I've always been a big fan of Wondershowzen's absurdist humor, and I've most recently been immersing myself in Tim & Eric's Awesome Show Great Job!, so I decided to take a second crack at Adult Swim's Xavier: Renegade Angel. I watched the first episode years ago when X:RA first came out in 2007 (at the insistence of Kirk, who is begging for the credit), but I had a really hard time dealing with the CGI animation style (I hadn't yet made my brief foray into Second Life). Plus I was still morning the loss of Wondershowzen (by the same creative team, PFFR) and wasn't ready to invest my time in another series. I typically don't watch any television shows as they unfold anyway. Instead, I wait until seasons or series to finish completely so I can watch everything at once on DVD. X:RA was something I just kept forgetting to come back to, but eventually, Netflix picked up the save.
Xavier's meta comedy of pseudomysticism is even more of a rapid-fire assault because it only has 11 minutes to get its story finished. A truck speeding by with the word "FORESHADOWING" written on the side of it is probably the most straightforward of things that happen. The fact that the show is 100% CGI makes it much easy for them to twist the screen until it breaks. It is pretty much a nonstop mindfudge, and much like Wondershowzen, by the second season the bizarre bar is set so high you either have to be high or stop at a bar to mind the fudge at the seasonal bazaar, even for a second. I watched so many of episodes multiple times and I'm positive that I still haven't caught the majority of what's actually happening onscreen, and I look forward to diving in again from a different angle in the future.
Eventually, I started to feel better enough to stop taking the generic Claritin, but there was still to be a final blow to my fragile body. On the third disc of It's Garry Shandling's Show, there is a scene where Garry takes some Chinese food out of this oven. He starts to put on a pair of oven mitts, then abandons them in favor of another pair, then turns to the camera to talk to me...
SNAKE HANDS!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
MINDFUDGED!
April 1, 2010
Google's April Fool's Joke sucks.
Topeka? Meh. It would be ten thousand times funnier if they change the name to China, and redirect all searches to Chinese websites.
March 18, 2010
The Vector Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker Et Cetera
I recently bought the Vector Start-It Jump-Start System (VEC012C) to have at work because there have been a record number of coworkers' car batteries dying this winter (mine included, although it was at Dunkin' Donuts on a day off). Everyone turns to me to assist with jump-starts, which I don't really have a problem with--it just gets time consuming. This device is quick and portable, so I don't have to worry when the car is head-on in a parking space in the garage and the adjacent spaces aren't vacant.
I don't know why I specifically picked out the Vector over other brands. Maybe it was the badass lightning bolt in its logo or its cryptic slogan, "The Freedom of Power." Maybe I knew Peter Graves was dying soon and it would be a constant reminder of his famous line from Airplane!, "What's our vector, Victor?" It wasn't the cheapest jumpstarter in the catalog, but I knew it would eventually pay for itself with a few uses.
And by the time it was delivered I was already itching to use it on one of the dead company cars. I tear open the box and dive into the instruction manual only to discover that it's sort of a confusing mess. The cover is fine. Page 1 is blank. Page 2 is the Table of Contents. Good so far.
Pages 3 and 4 contain Safety Information (coincidentally, not listed in the aforementioned Table of Contents). This section is split into 15 Warnings and 13 Cautions. While I have argued in a previous rambling blog entry that no two words mean the same exact thing, I never really thought about the difference in those terms. Vector describes a Warning Statement as one that identifies "conditions or practices that may result in personal injury," while a Caution Statement identifies "conditions or practices that may result in damage to the vehicles, appliances and/or the Jump-Starter." Fascinating nuances, indeed, though I'm not convinced they are universal truths. It doesn't help that the Caution section is immediately undermined by "IMPORTANT:" as if "CAUTION:" alone isn't enough.
Page 5 is the Introduction which expands on the bulleted "Key information you should know" found on the cover of the manual. The last paragraph describes the unit in a little more detail and refers to the figures in the photograph on Page 6. Page 7 is some more bragging about the unit's Additional Features, but more importantly, we finally get into how to actually use the Vector as a jump-start system. But first... 10 more Warnings, many of which we've already seen, and two of which were previously in the Caution section on Page 4. They are clearly flip-flopping on the differences between Warnings and Cautions. More mixed signals pepper an additional Caution section as it is introduced with the statement "Recommendations for optimum performance..." and then again trumped by another bold term, "NOTE:" midway through the list. Distracting, but I press on.
We are now on the all-important Page 8 (pictured below), the instructions for the most vital feature is unfortunately where things get unnecessarily confusing. I'm outside with the Vector in front of a car with a dead battery. I have an 18-pound 450-amp device in my hands and the last thing I want is unclear directions on how to use it. I've jumped plenty of cars with cables in the past, but I've never used one of these standalone jumpers. I'd like to live long enough to get my money's worth. Let's take a look at what to do:
Before we get to Step 1, I'm already told to disconnect the black and then the red clamp. Huh? I haven't even connected anything yet! Are we talking about disconnecting the car battery itself? Or just unhooking the clamps from the jumpstarter? And why would I turn the key after I've disconnected everything? It's already understood that the car is dead and turning the key won't accomplish anything. And then a quick recap. A RECAP, BEFORE WE'VE EVEN GOTTEN TO STEP 1!?!
Let's just ignore this preamble and move on to what looks like the real instructions. Vehicle is off, accessories are off, Vector is off. Clamps are armed and ready. Here we go.
Step 4 and we're now at a real crossroads. I am to determine whether or not my vehicle is a Negative or Positive Grounded System. I wasn't expressly asked to do this, but it's strongly implied that if I don't know, I can't continue. In reality, that's simple enough to figure that out just by looking at the battery and following the cables around, but this is way too nonchalant for what should be a concise instruction manual designed for a layperson. How about this instead?
Wait a minute, buddy. YOU NEVER TOLD ME TO TURN THE UNIT ON. The only person whose car would actually start by following Steps 1-7 would be someone whose car was in working order in the first place. And I'm not going to fuck around by guessing when to hit the power button. This is the point that I pick up the phone and call customer service to not just get the correct instruction, but to let them know that their manual blows. I follow the rep's verbal instructions, turn the key, and all is well. Black and Decker owns Vector now, by the way.
Looking back at the manual, I see that in Caution/Note #6 it says "Once the connections are properly made, turn the switch ON and you are ready to jump-start vehicle." This is far from being considered an oversight on my part. Any reasonable person would think that necessary jump-start instructions would be found nowhere else but in the Jump-Starting Instructions section. I think they just put Step 6 in the wrong place.
And that's not the only example of poor instruction chronology. Buried on Page 9 under IMPORTANT: they tell you that the units requires a full 48 hour initial charge. IF IT WAS SO FUCKING IMPORTANT, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THAT BEFORE YOU TOLD ME HOW TO USE IT? Then in the section on AC Charging (Page 10), more conflicting information: "After initial 48 hour charge, charge this device for at least 14-16 hours or until the green FULL indicator lights." SO IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING REALLY "CHARGE THE FUCKING THING FOR 62-64 HOURS BEFORE INITIAL USE OR WHAT?"
What is so hard about writing organized, clear instructions? Yes, the first unstated rule is always is "Read all instructions before use." For the record, I did read through the whole manual and charged it for 3 days before trying it, but that's no excuse for them to be sloppy. If there's something I need to do before using the starter, then you tell me that before telling me what how to use it. I shouldn't have to wait for all to be revealed or call your customer service people and waste their time. It kills me because they over-explain how to attach a clamp--"Squeeze the handles and slide the clamp into position and release your grip"--but then completely forget to tell you to turn the machine on. This stuff really gets to me because it should just be common sense.
Ok, calming down now. Since I learned how to use the Xerox scanner, here's another poorly designed instruction manual. This one is for La Crosse Technology Radio Controlled Analog Clocks (WT4143) which I had to consult when none of our clocks updated themselves for Daylight Savings Time (but that's another story).
About halfway down the first column, did you catch the "Since the beginning of time, man has been fascinated with the measurement of time..."? So profound, yet so asinine.
Now give me a high-five because I finally uploaded my RPM album. It's a free download at http://catarrhclothesline.bandcamp.com/
I don't know why I specifically picked out the Vector over other brands. Maybe it was the badass lightning bolt in its logo or its cryptic slogan, "The Freedom of Power." Maybe I knew Peter Graves was dying soon and it would be a constant reminder of his famous line from Airplane!, "What's our vector, Victor?" It wasn't the cheapest jumpstarter in the catalog, but I knew it would eventually pay for itself with a few uses.
And by the time it was delivered I was already itching to use it on one of the dead company cars. I tear open the box and dive into the instruction manual only to discover that it's sort of a confusing mess. The cover is fine. Page 1 is blank. Page 2 is the Table of Contents. Good so far.
Pages 3 and 4 contain Safety Information (coincidentally, not listed in the aforementioned Table of Contents). This section is split into 15 Warnings and 13 Cautions. While I have argued in a previous rambling blog entry that no two words mean the same exact thing, I never really thought about the difference in those terms. Vector describes a Warning Statement as one that identifies "conditions or practices that may result in personal injury," while a Caution Statement identifies "conditions or practices that may result in damage to the vehicles, appliances and/or the Jump-Starter." Fascinating nuances, indeed, though I'm not convinced they are universal truths. It doesn't help that the Caution section is immediately undermined by "IMPORTANT:" as if "CAUTION:" alone isn't enough.
Page 5 is the Introduction which expands on the bulleted "Key information you should know" found on the cover of the manual. The last paragraph describes the unit in a little more detail and refers to the figures in the photograph on Page 6. Page 7 is some more bragging about the unit's Additional Features, but more importantly, we finally get into how to actually use the Vector as a jump-start system. But first... 10 more Warnings, many of which we've already seen, and two of which were previously in the Caution section on Page 4. They are clearly flip-flopping on the differences between Warnings and Cautions. More mixed signals pepper an additional Caution section as it is introduced with the statement "Recommendations for optimum performance..." and then again trumped by another bold term, "NOTE:" midway through the list. Distracting, but I press on.
We are now on the all-important Page 8 (pictured below), the instructions for the most vital feature is unfortunately where things get unnecessarily confusing. I'm outside with the Vector in front of a car with a dead battery. I have an 18-pound 450-amp device in my hands and the last thing I want is unclear directions on how to use it. I've jumped plenty of cars with cables in the past, but I've never used one of these standalone jumpers. I'd like to live long enough to get my money's worth. Let's take a look at what to do:
Let's just ignore this preamble and move on to what looks like the real instructions. Vehicle is off, accessories are off, Vector is off. Clamps are armed and ready. Here we go.
Step 4 and we're now at a real crossroads. I am to determine whether or not my vehicle is a Negative or Positive Grounded System. I wasn't expressly asked to do this, but it's strongly implied that if I don't know, I can't continue. In reality, that's simple enough to figure that out just by looking at the battery and following the cables around, but this is way too nonchalant for what should be a concise instruction manual designed for a layperson. How about this instead?
4. Determine whether your vehicle is a Negative or Positive Grounded System. (Explanation of how to determine the difference). If Negative, move on to Step X, if Positive move on to Step Y.This removes redundancy and confusion. Even a fucking flowchart would be better. Whatever. Step 6. Start Vehicle. Step 7. After vehicle starts...
Wait a minute, buddy. YOU NEVER TOLD ME TO TURN THE UNIT ON. The only person whose car would actually start by following Steps 1-7 would be someone whose car was in working order in the first place. And I'm not going to fuck around by guessing when to hit the power button. This is the point that I pick up the phone and call customer service to not just get the correct instruction, but to let them know that their manual blows. I follow the rep's verbal instructions, turn the key, and all is well. Black and Decker owns Vector now, by the way.
Looking back at the manual, I see that in Caution/Note #6 it says "Once the connections are properly made, turn the switch ON and you are ready to jump-start vehicle." This is far from being considered an oversight on my part. Any reasonable person would think that necessary jump-start instructions would be found nowhere else but in the Jump-Starting Instructions section. I think they just put Step 6 in the wrong place.
And that's not the only example of poor instruction chronology. Buried on Page 9 under IMPORTANT: they tell you that the units requires a full 48 hour initial charge. IF IT WAS SO FUCKING IMPORTANT, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THAT BEFORE YOU TOLD ME HOW TO USE IT? Then in the section on AC Charging (Page 10), more conflicting information: "After initial 48 hour charge, charge this device for at least 14-16 hours or until the green FULL indicator lights." SO IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING REALLY "CHARGE THE FUCKING THING FOR 62-64 HOURS BEFORE INITIAL USE OR WHAT?"
What is so hard about writing organized, clear instructions? Yes, the first unstated rule is always is "Read all instructions before use." For the record, I did read through the whole manual and charged it for 3 days before trying it, but that's no excuse for them to be sloppy. If there's something I need to do before using the starter, then you tell me that before telling me what how to use it. I shouldn't have to wait for all to be revealed or call your customer service people and waste their time. It kills me because they over-explain how to attach a clamp--"Squeeze the handles and slide the clamp into position and release your grip"--but then completely forget to tell you to turn the machine on. This stuff really gets to me because it should just be common sense.
Ok, calming down now. Since I learned how to use the Xerox scanner, here's another poorly designed instruction manual. This one is for La Crosse Technology Radio Controlled Analog Clocks (WT4143) which I had to consult when none of our clocks updated themselves for Daylight Savings Time (but that's another story).
About halfway down the first column, did you catch the "Since the beginning of time, man has been fascinated with the measurement of time..."? So profound, yet so asinine.
Now give me a high-five because I finally uploaded my RPM album. It's a free download at http://catarrhclothesline.bandcamp.com/
March 9, 2010
OPTION PARALYSIS for OPTION PARALYSIS
I can't tell if this an ironic twist or an intentional sadistic joke by the Dillinger Escape Plan, but their new album Option Paralysis is being sold (pre-sold, if you're reading this before 3/23) in so many different format packages that I have no idea what to buy.
Let's look at the ways you can achieve your own paralysis:
Digital Download - Amazon/iTunes - $0.99 - "Farewell, Mona Lisa" digital single
Digital Download - Amazon - $8.99 - full album in mp3, plus bonus track
Digital Download - iTunes - $9.99 - full album in m4a, digital booklet, plus bonus track
CD - Season of Mist - $12.99 - full album in a standard jewel case
CD - Newbury Comics - $12.99* - full album in a standard jewel case, autographed
CD - Newbury Comics - $15.99* - full album in a limited edition digipak, plus bonus track, autographed
CD - Season of Mist - $16.99 - full album in a limited edition digipak, plus bonus track
Vinyl + Digital - Season of Mist - $21.99 - full album in limited edition black vinyl (2000 copies) plus bonus track, free digital download of album
Vinyl + Digital - Season of Mist - $23.99 - full album in limited edition transparent vinyl (500 copies) plus bonus track, free digital download of album
T-shirt - Season of Mist - $24.07 - T-shirt
CD + T-shirt - Season of Mist - $27.50 - full album in a limited edition digipak, plus bonus track, T-shirt
Box Set - Season of Mist - $79.99 - limited edition box set (2000 copies) including a one-of-a-kind CD-sized combo disc (CD one side, vinyl the other side) with the "Head Deaf Melted Grill" bonus track, picture book, flag, beanie, TV-B-Gone (turn off any TV anywhere), luggage tag and buttons
* does not include shipping
Now I definitely plan on buying this album... somehow. I don't own a record player, but I do take my mp3 player everywhere I go. That being said, I still purchase the majority of new releases on CD, then rip them to mp3. But then I rarely ever touch the CDs again. I moved about a year ago and got rid of hundreds of jewel cases. Unless my mp3 player battery is dead, I have really no use for the discs other than them being a backup copy.
I do read the liner notes and peek at the lyrics and artwork, but that's nothing that I can't find easily online. Why am I so afraid to let go of compact discs? Part of it may be the fear that mp3s will be obsolete soon. Massive format changes are something that I don't think I'll ever get used to. Another part of it may be because I consider myself somewhat of a recording artist (yes, it's a gross term I should be ashamed for applying it to myself) and I am afraid of the digital whirpool. Clunky CDs plug the holes where digital downloads leak and I just can't say goodbye to the format that slows down anarchy. I mean, for someone that bitches so much about having to take one additional step to accomplish anything, it's hypocritical for me to defend CDs.
My friend Ryan in the band Dogs of Winter released their last album entirely in mp3, with a digital booklet for free. I still can't wrap my head around that. My roommate Rob's band the Impulse Int'l put out their last record only on vinyl because that's what they like best. Another friend of mine, Billy from the Sweet Sacrifice, told me recently that he's interested in putting out his next record on vinyl, but with a free digital download because it seems to be the growing trend. Who is right? Does it matter anymore? Is it every format for itself now? My band is currently recording an album and we have no idea what we're going to do with the finished tracks. Cassette? Phonograph? Sell them as ringtones and throw the sheet music off the top of the Empire State Building? How am I supposed to take a stand in the format wars if I don't even know what I personally prefer? Am I holding the world back as an artist and as a consumer, or are all these options good for the industry?
It seems like this album isn't even out yet, but it's central theme has already put me at a life-altering crossroad. What do I buy? Digital is the cheapest and best for the environment. Transparent vinyl is the most aesthetically cool and makes for a good collector's item. Compact discs splits the difference as the safe choice of the comfortable, the ignorant, and the paralyzed.
Also, I could use a new t-shirt.
Let's look at the ways you can achieve your own paralysis:
Digital Download - Amazon/iTunes - $0.99 - "Farewell, Mona Lisa" digital single
Digital Download - Amazon - $8.99 - full album in mp3, plus bonus track
Digital Download - iTunes - $9.99 - full album in m4a, digital booklet, plus bonus track
CD - Season of Mist - $12.99 - full album in a standard jewel case
CD - Newbury Comics - $12.99* - full album in a standard jewel case, autographed
CD - Newbury Comics - $15.99* - full album in a limited edition digipak, plus bonus track, autographed
CD - Season of Mist - $16.99 - full album in a limited edition digipak, plus bonus track
Vinyl + Digital - Season of Mist - $21.99 - full album in limited edition black vinyl (2000 copies) plus bonus track, free digital download of album
Vinyl + Digital - Season of Mist - $23.99 - full album in limited edition transparent vinyl (500 copies) plus bonus track, free digital download of album
T-shirt - Season of Mist - $24.07 - T-shirt
CD + T-shirt - Season of Mist - $27.50 - full album in a limited edition digipak, plus bonus track, T-shirt
Box Set - Season of Mist - $79.99 - limited edition box set (2000 copies) including a one-of-a-kind CD-sized combo disc (CD one side, vinyl the other side) with the "Head Deaf Melted Grill" bonus track, picture book, flag, beanie, TV-B-Gone (turn off any TV anywhere), luggage tag and buttons
* does not include shipping
Now I definitely plan on buying this album... somehow. I don't own a record player, but I do take my mp3 player everywhere I go. That being said, I still purchase the majority of new releases on CD, then rip them to mp3. But then I rarely ever touch the CDs again. I moved about a year ago and got rid of hundreds of jewel cases. Unless my mp3 player battery is dead, I have really no use for the discs other than them being a backup copy.
I do read the liner notes and peek at the lyrics and artwork, but that's nothing that I can't find easily online. Why am I so afraid to let go of compact discs? Part of it may be the fear that mp3s will be obsolete soon. Massive format changes are something that I don't think I'll ever get used to. Another part of it may be because I consider myself somewhat of a recording artist (yes, it's a gross term I should be ashamed for applying it to myself) and I am afraid of the digital whirpool. Clunky CDs plug the holes where digital downloads leak and I just can't say goodbye to the format that slows down anarchy. I mean, for someone that bitches so much about having to take one additional step to accomplish anything, it's hypocritical for me to defend CDs.
My friend Ryan in the band Dogs of Winter released their last album entirely in mp3, with a digital booklet for free. I still can't wrap my head around that. My roommate Rob's band the Impulse Int'l put out their last record only on vinyl because that's what they like best. Another friend of mine, Billy from the Sweet Sacrifice, told me recently that he's interested in putting out his next record on vinyl, but with a free digital download because it seems to be the growing trend. Who is right? Does it matter anymore? Is it every format for itself now? My band is currently recording an album and we have no idea what we're going to do with the finished tracks. Cassette? Phonograph? Sell them as ringtones and throw the sheet music off the top of the Empire State Building? How am I supposed to take a stand in the format wars if I don't even know what I personally prefer? Am I holding the world back as an artist and as a consumer, or are all these options good for the industry?
It seems like this album isn't even out yet, but it's central theme has already put me at a life-altering crossroad. What do I buy? Digital is the cheapest and best for the environment. Transparent vinyl is the most aesthetically cool and makes for a good collector's item. Compact discs splits the difference as the safe choice of the comfortable, the ignorant, and the paralyzed.
Also, I could use a new t-shirt.
March 3, 2010
February 26, 2010
RPM Day 26 - White Out
I was planning on spending last night at the studio finishing up drums and starting vocals, but thanks to a blizzard, I had the shittiest commute of my life. It certainly wasn't the longest (that would be the 8 hour/30 mile drive during a storm a few years back), but it wasn't fun. I couldn't drive five feet without getting stuck. Fortunately a truck was able to push me up a hill, and the rest is history.
That being said, I ended up bumping bass back up to the top of my queue, not because I thought it was a priority, but because it was the only thing I'd be able to safely accomplish given the circumstances. And accomplish, I did. I got 8 out of 9 tracks completed (only the last minute drum-only track remains) last night and this afternoon. No, they're not the most inventive bass tracks in the world, but in lieu of a lead guitar and an authoritative kick drum, it does its job.
The tracks went mostly smooth, though I did struggle with one particular bass line at the end of one track that never really clicked. The most notable issue I had was discovering that my guitar tracks were not actually recorded in standard tuning as I intended-they're all lower (can't recall offhand if it's a half- or whole-step lower). I guess the built-in tuner on my electric/acoustic is a damn dirty liar.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to get up early and walk to the studio and see what words I can come up with. No snow songs, I promise that much.
That being said, I ended up bumping bass back up to the top of my queue, not because I thought it was a priority, but because it was the only thing I'd be able to safely accomplish given the circumstances. And accomplish, I did. I got 8 out of 9 tracks completed (only the last minute drum-only track remains) last night and this afternoon. No, they're not the most inventive bass tracks in the world, but in lieu of a lead guitar and an authoritative kick drum, it does its job.
The tracks went mostly smooth, though I did struggle with one particular bass line at the end of one track that never really clicked. The most notable issue I had was discovering that my guitar tracks were not actually recorded in standard tuning as I intended-they're all lower (can't recall offhand if it's a half- or whole-step lower). I guess the built-in tuner on my electric/acoustic is a damn dirty liar.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to get up early and walk to the studio and see what words I can come up with. No snow songs, I promise that much.
February 25, 2010
RPM Days 23-24ish
Day 23
I was in the studio until 2 AM ignoring the blisters and sore muscles in order to finish off my drum tracks. I think my playing was a little better, but I'm not so sure my microphone setup was. There's still not much kick drum being picked up. It's a shame because I really was incorporating it into my beats.
The other only other thing of note is that I wrote a new track... on drums. This was a result of my worry that I don't have 35 minutes of material. I only had 8 songs written (and one of them is basically two minutes of filler), so at an average of 4 minutes a song, I wasn't going to make it to the finish line. It's possible that my song average is higher (or even lower), but the point is that I just don't know the total track time yet until I have basic mixes done and I don't want to risk not having access or energy to play drums at the last minute. Right now that track is just drums. I have an idea for a melody, but I probably won't dive too far into that song until the end.
While recording, I was a little gentler on the 8-track, and it only locked up once, at the very end of the night. I did figure out how to recover those "lost" songs though. I still can't explain why the system kept freezing, or why the system freezing caused the 8-track to erase the songs' table of contents, but none of the sound files were actually deleted. I basically had to go to the hard drive, copy the songs' .bak files and recreate them as .adl or something in order to get the 8-track to add it back to the selectable menu. It was annoying, but I'm glad I didn't lose any material. I'll be honest, that would've been the last straw.
Day 24
I was asleep on my feet all day because of the past few nights' sleep deprivation. By the time I got home I had no desire at all to jump into bass playing or lyric writing. I got home, shoveled some Chicken Lo Mein into my mouth, and passed out at 9 PM, halfway through Roger Ebert's commentary track on Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. Excellent, by the way.
Morning 25
There was supposed to be a giant snowstorm blanketing New Jersey by the time I woke up today, but at 6 AM, there was nothing on the ground. I was hoping for a bonus snow day to spend working on this project, but instead, I got in my car and went to work. Of course it started snowing heavily as I drove in, so there's still hope that the work day will end early and I'll be able to get a lot accomplished.
I did make some stereo mixes of the guitar and drum tracks before I left today because I wanted to be able to start working on lyrics while driving in my car. Either the 8-track or my computer was running very poorly this morning, so I only managed to make 5 or 6 mixes before I had to leave. While listening to them on the way in, I realized that a couple are mixed a little too low, but at least that's an easy fix. Better to do that now then after I add more tracks.
I also realized just how much I still have to do. Coming up with 9 complete sets of lyrics and then recording them in less than 4 days is complete insanity. Fortunately, I have my new mp3 player, so I can play the track through my car stereo, turn on the mp3 microphone, and babble my way to a melody and lyric. I think I managed to come up with good starts for 3 songs this morning. If I can do 3 more on the way home, I'll feel a little less overwhelmed.
What I'm not so confident about is the bass. Not that I can't play it, but that I simply might not have time. I originally intended to do that before vocals, but right now words are taking the priority. Because the kick drum is almost nonexistent, I know the album needs a bottom end. But on the bright side, I consider myself more of a rhythm guitar player, so the stereo spectrum is fairly full as it stands. In a perfect world, I'd have bass and a lead track, but this is crunch time, and the songs need words.
The other big snag I discovered this morning is that I completely forgot to record drums for an entire song. I'm going to try to get that completed at the studio tonight. Maybe I'll use the out of tune piano to write the music for that drums-only song.
I was in the studio until 2 AM ignoring the blisters and sore muscles in order to finish off my drum tracks. I think my playing was a little better, but I'm not so sure my microphone setup was. There's still not much kick drum being picked up. It's a shame because I really was incorporating it into my beats.
The other only other thing of note is that I wrote a new track... on drums. This was a result of my worry that I don't have 35 minutes of material. I only had 8 songs written (and one of them is basically two minutes of filler), so at an average of 4 minutes a song, I wasn't going to make it to the finish line. It's possible that my song average is higher (or even lower), but the point is that I just don't know the total track time yet until I have basic mixes done and I don't want to risk not having access or energy to play drums at the last minute. Right now that track is just drums. I have an idea for a melody, but I probably won't dive too far into that song until the end.
While recording, I was a little gentler on the 8-track, and it only locked up once, at the very end of the night. I did figure out how to recover those "lost" songs though. I still can't explain why the system kept freezing, or why the system freezing caused the 8-track to erase the songs' table of contents, but none of the sound files were actually deleted. I basically had to go to the hard drive, copy the songs' .bak files and recreate them as .adl or something in order to get the 8-track to add it back to the selectable menu. It was annoying, but I'm glad I didn't lose any material. I'll be honest, that would've been the last straw.
Day 24
I was asleep on my feet all day because of the past few nights' sleep deprivation. By the time I got home I had no desire at all to jump into bass playing or lyric writing. I got home, shoveled some Chicken Lo Mein into my mouth, and passed out at 9 PM, halfway through Roger Ebert's commentary track on Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. Excellent, by the way.
Morning 25
There was supposed to be a giant snowstorm blanketing New Jersey by the time I woke up today, but at 6 AM, there was nothing on the ground. I was hoping for a bonus snow day to spend working on this project, but instead, I got in my car and went to work. Of course it started snowing heavily as I drove in, so there's still hope that the work day will end early and I'll be able to get a lot accomplished.
I did make some stereo mixes of the guitar and drum tracks before I left today because I wanted to be able to start working on lyrics while driving in my car. Either the 8-track or my computer was running very poorly this morning, so I only managed to make 5 or 6 mixes before I had to leave. While listening to them on the way in, I realized that a couple are mixed a little too low, but at least that's an easy fix. Better to do that now then after I add more tracks.
I also realized just how much I still have to do. Coming up with 9 complete sets of lyrics and then recording them in less than 4 days is complete insanity. Fortunately, I have my new mp3 player, so I can play the track through my car stereo, turn on the mp3 microphone, and babble my way to a melody and lyric. I think I managed to come up with good starts for 3 songs this morning. If I can do 3 more on the way home, I'll feel a little less overwhelmed.
What I'm not so confident about is the bass. Not that I can't play it, but that I simply might not have time. I originally intended to do that before vocals, but right now words are taking the priority. Because the kick drum is almost nonexistent, I know the album needs a bottom end. But on the bright side, I consider myself more of a rhythm guitar player, so the stereo spectrum is fairly full as it stands. In a perfect world, I'd have bass and a lead track, but this is crunch time, and the songs need words.
The other big snag I discovered this morning is that I completely forgot to record drums for an entire song. I'm going to try to get that completed at the studio tonight. Maybe I'll use the out of tune piano to write the music for that drums-only song.
February 23, 2010
RPM Days 21-22 - The Crying Days
I have almost given up this challenge several times in the past few days. Not because I don't have it in me to write and record all these songs, but because I'm becoming more and more aware of better ways to do everything. I've been making so many mistakes and doing things the hard way, that I just want to start it all over. From the beginning I knew that what I was going to have on March 1st was not going to be the best, but now I'm struggling with the reality of it. I am still passionate about what I've written, but it's getting hard to push through when I know it's not all it could be.
Day 21
On Sunday I finished structuring whatever songs I had written earlier in the month. Getting to the end of the day was a real pain in the ass, and I came close to smashing my guitar, smashing my skull, or smashing my guitar into my skull numerous times. For all the parts I'd written and recorded on camera, I'd hardly written any of them down. As someone who likes weird chords and rhythms, but has little musical theory knowledge, this was the stupidest thing I could have possibly done. I spent the majority of the day staring at myself on YouTube trying to figure out what my fingers were doing. On a number of videos, I was focused on the wrong hand, which meant I had no choice but to figure out the chords by ear. The RoBeastress reasonably argued that the songs were all works in progress anyway, so even if the wrong chords sounded good, they'd still be mine. Unfortunately, when I'm in music mode, obsessive often trumps reasonable; not getting them exactly right would invalidate the time I spent coming up with the parts in the first place. I think ultimately, I figured out all the chords (and yes, wrote the difficult ones down).
Another problem was that one of my acoustic guitars (the one with the slutty schoolgirl sticker) was tuned a half step lower than standard, but that was a little easier to solve. I just downtuned my acoustic-electric, then retuned it up to record. So a few of the songs that you may have heard before won't have the extra flat of heaviness.
Oh! Yet another issue. Like I mentioned in the last post, I'm recording with the acoustic-electric exclusively here. I've haven't had it that long and I've never recorded with it, so I learned the hard way about one of its quirks. A few hours into the day and I thought my playing was getting shittier, but it turned out that the battery was dying and it affected the sound quality of the chords. I don't know how much was recorded before I changed the battery, but it's probably not too noticeable.
By the end of the day I had 8 tracks of doubled acoustic guitar recorded. I have no idea if it's 35 minutes of material. I believe most of the songs average about 4 minutes, so I am probably looking at the possibility of having to squeeze out one more track. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Day 22
Yesterday I started plotting out exactly what I was going to do with the rest of days and how I was going to accomplish things on the digital 8-track. I decided that I would go for broke and do drums first since they will be the hardest. I bought some sticks and went to the practice space. Nobody was there, so I jumped into the driver's seat.
After recording two tracks of guitar the previous day, I had two slots left on the 8-track without having to bounce or make any other concessions, so I decided that I was just going be economical/lazy and use only two mics. I tried a couple different setups and was never really crazy about any of them, but I also didn't have all fucking night to dick around with precise microphone placement. I'd always wanted to try the Recorderman setup, but I completely forgot about it that technique until about 5 minutes ago. Fortunately, what I did last night was actually pretty close, minus the fine tuning.
There is a serious lack of kick drum presence on the recordings, but I'm starting to think that it's a result of the either my 8-track (and it's obscene lack of EQ) or the kick drum's quality itself. When we recorded our band demo a few months back, we had a similar the same problem. I'm sort of OK with this because my kicking is weaksauce, but at the same time, if I'm going to have sore leg muscles the next day (which I do) I want those beats to register, goddammit.
I started right in on my favorite track and quickly realized that I:
The next one took a while too, but I do think I got a little better at playing. With my arms at least. My right leg revolted by the third song. I would stare at it and try to move it with my mind, but it just wouldn't do what I wanted anymore. I think it was jealous because my left didn't do much of anything the whole time. I tried to throw in some toms for variety, but the longer the night went on, the less complex my beats got.
On the fourth song, the 8-track froze while I was attempting to undo a part I recorded. This is normally a simple operation with the quick touch of button, only this time "Please wait" stared at me for 5 minutes. None of the buttons gave any response, so I had to pull the plug and restart. I was on a roll with the drum parts for that song, so I turn it back on as fast as I could and immediately hit record again. Suddenly, a different song was playing.
I backed out to the menu to switch songs, and the entire track was missing. CC1, CC2, CC3, CC5... What the fuck? I am confident that the track has not been deleted, but it would completely ruin whatever momentum I had if I were to boot up my laptop, hook it up to the 8-track, then try to recover the files. I had no choice but to move on the next song. When I was working on Song 6, the same exact fucking thing happened. It's not like the machine is running low on memory. There's about 68 hours of recording time left on the thing. I guess I was pushing it to the limit with all of my takes?
At about 1 am, my body said it was time to go home. I was smelly, sweaty, and tired. I could feel a blister forming on the thumb, no thanks to the stick I cracked and then continued using upside-down for the last three hours. All in all, I got 4 or 5 songs finished completely. 2 are missing (though I had come up with most of the parts for them), and I think there's one that I just don't have any good parts for yet (the song I thought would be the second easiest, of course).
I have regular band practice tonight, so I'm going to try to recover those lost tracks during downtime, then stay another 4 hours or so after we finish. I got about 4 crappy hours of sleep last night, so doing it again tonight is going to suck, but I don't really have a choice. I still have to do a bass track (Wednesday/Thursday?), then vocals for lyrics that I haven't even written (Uh, Friday/Saturday/Sunday?). By noon on Monday, March 1st, this needs to be on a CD, in an envelope, at the post office. I think the only thing that can break my spirit now is if these two missing tracks can't be recovered. I'll get my guitar and skull ready.
Day 21
On Sunday I finished structuring whatever songs I had written earlier in the month. Getting to the end of the day was a real pain in the ass, and I came close to smashing my guitar, smashing my skull, or smashing my guitar into my skull numerous times. For all the parts I'd written and recorded on camera, I'd hardly written any of them down. As someone who likes weird chords and rhythms, but has little musical theory knowledge, this was the stupidest thing I could have possibly done. I spent the majority of the day staring at myself on YouTube trying to figure out what my fingers were doing. On a number of videos, I was focused on the wrong hand, which meant I had no choice but to figure out the chords by ear. The RoBeastress reasonably argued that the songs were all works in progress anyway, so even if the wrong chords sounded good, they'd still be mine. Unfortunately, when I'm in music mode, obsessive often trumps reasonable; not getting them exactly right would invalidate the time I spent coming up with the parts in the first place. I think ultimately, I figured out all the chords (and yes, wrote the difficult ones down).
Another problem was that one of my acoustic guitars (the one with the slutty schoolgirl sticker) was tuned a half step lower than standard, but that was a little easier to solve. I just downtuned my acoustic-electric, then retuned it up to record. So a few of the songs that you may have heard before won't have the extra flat of heaviness.
Oh! Yet another issue. Like I mentioned in the last post, I'm recording with the acoustic-electric exclusively here. I've haven't had it that long and I've never recorded with it, so I learned the hard way about one of its quirks. A few hours into the day and I thought my playing was getting shittier, but it turned out that the battery was dying and it affected the sound quality of the chords. I don't know how much was recorded before I changed the battery, but it's probably not too noticeable.
By the end of the day I had 8 tracks of doubled acoustic guitar recorded. I have no idea if it's 35 minutes of material. I believe most of the songs average about 4 minutes, so I am probably looking at the possibility of having to squeeze out one more track. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Day 22
Yesterday I started plotting out exactly what I was going to do with the rest of days and how I was going to accomplish things on the digital 8-track. I decided that I would go for broke and do drums first since they will be the hardest. I bought some sticks and went to the practice space. Nobody was there, so I jumped into the driver's seat.
After recording two tracks of guitar the previous day, I had two slots left on the 8-track without having to bounce or make any other concessions, so I decided that I was just going be economical/lazy and use only two mics. I tried a couple different setups and was never really crazy about any of them, but I also didn't have all fucking night to dick around with precise microphone placement. I'd always wanted to try the Recorderman setup, but I completely forgot about it that technique until about 5 minutes ago. Fortunately, what I did last night was actually pretty close, minus the fine tuning.
There is a serious lack of kick drum presence on the recordings, but I'm starting to think that it's a result of the either my 8-track (and it's obscene lack of EQ) or the kick drum's quality itself. When we recorded our band demo a few months back, we had a similar the same problem. I'm sort of OK with this because my kicking is weaksauce, but at the same time, if I'm going to have sore leg muscles the next day (which I do) I want those beats to register, goddammit.
I started right in on my favorite track and quickly realized that I:
- Was not in shape
- Should have used a click track
- Had no idea what I was going to play on drums
- Still wasn't incredibly familiar with my own song structures
- May have made a horrible mistake in thinking that I was better off with real drums
The next one took a while too, but I do think I got a little better at playing. With my arms at least. My right leg revolted by the third song. I would stare at it and try to move it with my mind, but it just wouldn't do what I wanted anymore. I think it was jealous because my left didn't do much of anything the whole time. I tried to throw in some toms for variety, but the longer the night went on, the less complex my beats got.
On the fourth song, the 8-track froze while I was attempting to undo a part I recorded. This is normally a simple operation with the quick touch of button, only this time "Please wait" stared at me for 5 minutes. None of the buttons gave any response, so I had to pull the plug and restart. I was on a roll with the drum parts for that song, so I turn it back on as fast as I could and immediately hit record again. Suddenly, a different song was playing.
I backed out to the menu to switch songs, and the entire track was missing. CC1, CC2, CC3, CC5... What the fuck? I am confident that the track has not been deleted, but it would completely ruin whatever momentum I had if I were to boot up my laptop, hook it up to the 8-track, then try to recover the files. I had no choice but to move on the next song. When I was working on Song 6, the same exact fucking thing happened. It's not like the machine is running low on memory. There's about 68 hours of recording time left on the thing. I guess I was pushing it to the limit with all of my takes?
At about 1 am, my body said it was time to go home. I was smelly, sweaty, and tired. I could feel a blister forming on the thumb, no thanks to the stick I cracked and then continued using upside-down for the last three hours. All in all, I got 4 or 5 songs finished completely. 2 are missing (though I had come up with most of the parts for them), and I think there's one that I just don't have any good parts for yet (the song I thought would be the second easiest, of course).
I have regular band practice tonight, so I'm going to try to recover those lost tracks during downtime, then stay another 4 hours or so after we finish. I got about 4 crappy hours of sleep last night, so doing it again tonight is going to suck, but I don't really have a choice. I still have to do a bass track (Wednesday/Thursday?), then vocals for lyrics that I haven't even written (Uh, Friday/Saturday/Sunday?). By noon on Monday, March 1st, this needs to be on a CD, in an envelope, at the post office. I think the only thing that can break my spirit now is if these two missing tracks can't be recovered. I'll get my guitar and skull ready.
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