January 3, 2008

Secondary Mutations

I am typing this with freezing little fingers because the central heat has been out in my house for, oh, I dunno, a year or so. Mebbe longer. Partially because I am lazy, and partially because I grew up in the snow, and it was freeeezing. Now, I live in Austin, TX, and I feel like a big wuss when I can't fight off 30 degree weather and have to put on SOCKS and long pants. *the horrors* It just feels like a cop-out to have functioning central heat. That's something fancy for all you sandy vaginas out there, so here I sit freezing with extremities a little numb and typing.

If you (all 6 of my friends and thanx!) came to this blog and expected something life-changing and relevant, well, see yourself to the door, sir! That is WAY too much pressure. Rollie and I are here because we got tired of mspazz (blows goats). I REFUSE to Facebook in any way and always have, and our livejournals are where we write about our feelings and our delicate manginas. Well, mine is an actual vagina, but why you gotta get all technical about it? This blog? This blog right heah? This blog is an experiment for us to get out of the pre-packaged box. But wait, this Blogger Box is pre-packaged too! Baby steps. Baby steps. You say it's easy to quit, but complete and cold-turkey corporate withdrawals are hard on the delicate psyche of Lion Jockeys. I mean if you came here looking for relevancy or science facts or politics, I am afraid you will be sadly disappointed my friends. Perhaps those things will come in the future. Right now, we're just slowwwwly easing in to the shallow end. I have a post all pro-Lakota nation bubbling in the depths, and I spent a *whole* day researching ocular implants and wincing in sympathy pains. But again, slow boil. Stir. Stir. Add toil and trouble. Season to taste.

Today. Today I come to you to talk to you about my amazing superpowers! Prepare to be amazed. Some people get awesome powers like a healing factor or the ability to spontaneously burst into flames without burning to death. Not I. No good sirs and perhaps ladies (if one stumbles into here google searching vaginas and shamanism), my super power is the ability to burn out light bulbs. If distracted or emotionally hyped up or depressed, I have the amazing ability to flick a switch and burn out light bulbs. This will come as no surprise to some as I have detailed this amazing superpower in my lj. Evil better quake in its boots, or it's gonna be shitting in the dark! Then how will you read the EW hot list? The TRAGEDY. Sometimes I forget about my amazing superpower, but then it always rears its ugly head at an inopportune moment, and I go to someone's house and manage to burn out 3 light bulbs in 3 different rooms all while apologizing profusely. I am a menace, and also, the reason we can't have nice things. Awesome superpower, no? Lately though, I have noticed a secondary mutation. I have developed the awesome ability to break audio systems. Truth. Whether they be the computer's speakers, the audio from the cable box, or perhaps your Ipod, they cannot stand before my might. All the audio shit will be correctly plugged in and working to optimum specs. I will not touch it. I will merely sit and listen, and then after 15 or so minutes it will begin. Either silence or the hissing, the hissing of static and dead air. Are things beyond the grave trying to speak to me? Is there an important message from the Gods that I should be straining to hear? All I know is that your device must be rebooted, and the audio it will return. Why can't I have gotten the good powers? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Quake EVIL! QUAKE! Because in the 15 minutes of darkened silence that I will bring down upon you with great vengeance and furious anger, perhaps you will hear the voice of your own conscience quietly whispering...THE LAMBS. WHAT DO THEY SAY CLARICE?

ps. All pictures have been stolen directly off the internet and photoshopped POORLY.



Robin said...

Hey, I may not be able to 86 house lights, but since my youth I have been able to shut down street lights as I pass them. Happens all the time. Drive in the dark, all yee lost and sinful ninja monkeys!!!

youmetmeathazels said...

your powers are particularly strong.

enjoy.. ~รง

teh Beauty said...

Interesting...my grandfather could not wear watches. All watches would die after he had worn them for a few days. Self-winding, digital, analog, all watches would cease to function. He also used one of those pyramid things above his desk to increase his concentration. I also just found out he worked for the Dept. of Defense.

Definitely a high-magnetic field person.

Mr. Bear said...

Why do you have these powers? Because, my parallel universe sibling, I have the opposite power. I can often repair electrical devices just by touching them. Comes in handy in my work.