January 18, 2008

Who Let the Dogs In?

Short answer: The Jerky Boys.

Long answer: I should've had a jream last night about getting into a car accident, or being decapitated, or some other gruesome untimely mutilation. I've always been afraid of planes and constantly think about dying in one, but a couple years ago, that obsession evolved into being fearful of all transportation. Having to drive to work every day was torture for a while. I've gotten over most of the issues and have calm panic attack-free commutes these days (I did get into one car accident, but there was no blood other than what Allstate squeezed from me).

So yesterday when a co-worker pulled me into her cube to show me some disgusting accident pictures someone emailed her, it didn't latch onto my subconscious. In fact, I chuckled when I saw how silly the corpse looked cut in half (oops). Like many grotesque internet photos (goatse, electrocuted deer on a power line, the photoshop of a woman's breast and a water lotus), the picture is still burned in my head, but it's not keeping me up at night. Not even the numerous decapitations of Hermes in the Futurama movie I watched yesterday (and by watched, of course I mean fell asleep after the first hour) ruined dreamland for me.

Instead, and for the second time in a week, I was violently awoken after being attacked by domesticated animals. Last week it was cats scratching my face off and last night it was a few large growling dogs trying to eat my face. I blame three things for having dogs on the brain:

1. A 911 call I heard a few weeks ago of an old lady being attacked by her neighbor's pit bulls
2. A Jerky Boys phone call I listened to yesterday - they dial up a dog obedience trainer and leave a message with canine growling SFX and screams of pain
3. My adorable girlfriend's adorable snore that adorably sounds like an small, adorable angry puppy

The Tylenol Cold medicine I took right before bed probably didn't help either (Jruggin' & Jreamin'). As with the cat dream, I was probably only asleep for a few minutes, but jumped up with a gasp for air and a surge of adrenaline that I just don't want at midnight before a work day. Why dogs and cats? Why do they want to kill me? What did I ever do to them?

This is the "nut opinion" (and I thank Penn Jillette for coining that phrase for Third Party Thinkers everywhere): I recently added Dogbook and Catbook to my social networking repertoire. I was already pretty wary of Facebook in the first place, but I did it anyway. All this human and pet interaction is totally freaking me out and my subconscious is now occupied by a technowarzone of Dogs, Cats, and Faces. And like Freddie Krueger, they have chosen my beauty sleep as the landscape for their dream warrior battle ground.

I should just be glad I'm not dreaming about Books.


teh Beauty said...

That boob thing is giving me nightmares. I think mostly because it looks like what happens to me when I get poison ivy (super allergic) which looks like alien eggs nesting in my flesh. Urg. Poison Ivy Boob Aliens! RUN!

...moo said...

...please...tell me that's photoshopped...please...

RS3 said...

dude really next time you post a photo like that I'm gonna jog over to your house and knee you in the nuts. BTW go look up lemon party on google images...do it...NOW!