August 10, 2008

Blood Bath and Beyond

I told you last week about something that scared the shit out of me as a youngster back in the '80s (having my house invaded by lions a la Savage Harvest). Little did I know that on a calm Sunday afternoon in a Manhattan Bed, Bath and Beyond, I would be forced to revisit another traumatic childhood fear -- an attack by a monster from the planet Fyrine IV.

For anyone that has seen 1985's Enemy Mine, the most memorable scene is probably when the Dennis Quaid, an Erffling stranded on the foreign planet Fyrine IV, naively stumbles into a sand pit. This sand pit turns out to a place where an unnamed monster traps prey with its long, powerful tongue. Any time I see sand (which is quite often as I live in New Jersey), I expect this thing to come out and suck me down into its jaws.

Now there are no sand pits in Manhattan, so I always assume I am safe walking around the city. (I mean, yeah, I'm always on the look out for C.H.U.D.s, but they rarely come out in the daytime.) So I'm in Bed, Bath, and Beyond looking at lamps with the RoBeastress, and when I least expect it, Boom Goes The Dynamite...

I was paralyzed with fear, but somehow I was able to move my camera trigger finger. According to the box, it's a Veriflux Happy Eyes VF01DD1 Deluxe Floor Lamp, but I think we all know what we're really dealing with. Its neck even twists and turns like a hungry alien creature looking for a human snack. I tried to turn on the bulb, but it didn't work. Very suspicious. Very suspicious, indeed.

Let this be a warning for all you lamp shoppers out there. DON'T LET THE $129 PRICE TAG FOOL YOU. THIS IS A COLD BLOODED KILLER. DO NOT LET THIS THING INTO YOUR HOME. YOU WILL BE CAPTURED AND EATEN IN YOUR SLEEP.

BEWARE, MY FELLOW BLOGGERS!

4 comments:

Jay Amabile said...

this is freakin hysterical. bed, bath, and beyond? I didn't know you had TIME! lol

Master_Gio said...

OMG! That thing almost killed us all!

Kirk said...

I bet if you looked closer on the warning label, you would see the following:

WARNING: DO NOT PUT LAMP IN SAND.

YouthfulElf said...

I have a similar lamp at home, and let's just say I had a few sleepless nights after seeing that pit monster in the movie! While the monster doesn't scare as much today, I still don't want that lamp standing over my bed when I sleep.