April 15, 2008

Maths Can Be Sexy

V is Vagina, and V is for Venn Diagram. That math looks so sexy on you. Like Einstein's soul threw up just a little bit on Anna Nicole Smith; sexy in a horrible, disgusting and yet funny way that implies either genius or retardation. I ride the fence on this one back and forth endlessly. Are certainly celebrities brilliant or functionally retarded? I should preface all this with the caveat that I was only ok at the maths at school. Algebra I am aces at; I'm ok with the geometry until we get into the 20-step proofs, and then I am out. As Bret Michaels would say, "Me no likey." I can get by in the calculus but we get anywhere NEAR irrational numbers, and I AM OUT. Goodbye. My smarts are not of that kind. I got the words, but not the spatial maths. Eh. I am sure I can date up brainwise if need be. Unfortunately, that's not how my vagina works. No, not at all. I like guys with abs; it is a sad, sick shame. I confess it. You can be fit and pretty and stupid, and much like any man, I will put up with you as long as you keep your mouth shut. Terrible isn't it? Stop talking baby; you're spoiling the moment. Ssssh. Though I have had that trick pulled on me by the Schulze and his very special brand of cynical bastardism, "How about we have less noticing things with our mouths and more noticing things with our minds." Fuck you; deuce up. This from the first man to give me an orgasm, and you WONDER what is wrong with me. It would take from now until the end of time to unravel the wtf that has happened to me. Mostly because I am insane and can obsess and manufacture meaning out of any little thing, so we'd be here forever as I am always thinking about your motivations and even more so when you don't have any conscious ones, but who's kidding who here? There's always a reason, always something to define, and always a sentence to diagram or perhaps a VENN (or Euler diagram) to lay out to clarify any given situation.

Today, I found a site that is all diagrams and graphs jotted down on notecards or napkins or what have you. I am now totally addicted to indexed. It's smart and very tongue-in-cheek, and it does help one make sense of relationships in a concrete manner without actually having to resort to higher maths that I am not good at. Praise be! I have been on a Venn Diagram kick lately ever since I found the best diagram ever which accurately represents my struggle against the endless tyranny of pants:




Unfortunately, that diagram is not actually a Venn diagram because the data sets do not intersect. It is in all reality a Euler diagram which is more useful for showing real world data, because not all sets partially overlap with all other sets. That's the last time I will make that distinction because from here on out, anything with circles I am going to define as a Venn digram because everyone has at least heard of a Venn diagram and has at least a vague concept of what I'm talking about.

Also, in honor of that terrible new commercial wherein Meatloaf sings about his kid wanting a fucking Go Phone every night and day as he throws smoke bombs around his garage and his wife waltzes around nonchalantly manhandling a large, raw leg of meat, here is a Venn Diagram just for you Meatloaf:


Perhaps, that should actually be labeled "Things Meatloaf would do for money".

The beautiful thing about the Venn is that you can truly use them to define any relationship. This one, off of Indexed, is a new favorite that accurately defines Hope for Entrepreneurs and the tacky shit they make.



This one is also a favorite. Perhaps it should be titled: "Spring Cleaning."


I bring all this up because a few weeks a go I met a beautiful girl and kissed her at a bar. I immediately fell ill with a horrific flu mere hours afterwards. She's a 4th grade teacher, so I think I was struck down by filthy, opportunistic 4th grader germs. I really liked this girl, and we were all holding hands and getting kissy, in public. She even threw some noise at a friend of mine who happens to be a girl because she thought my friend was making moves on me, but sadly, as all such encounters with women usually end for me, she was only into kissing girls when drunk. Since that night, I have had no answer to my texts. Oh ladies, it's amazing what 2 shots of Jagermeister will do to your sexual orientations. As for me, your Princess, I am bisexual and far pickier about my women than I am about my men. Double standard, I know. The awesome thing about meeting pretty teachers in bars though is that they volunteer to diagram your gayness for you. In fact, I think it was her idea to diagram my gayness which made me fall even a little bit more in love with her in my alcohol-induced haze. Let me present the diagram of my gayness or lack thereof:

There is some shady math going on here because we were plastered, but we made allowances for errors which we subtracted to come up with a more possibly realistic number. Please remember the state of our brains because we were hammered, but this diagram clearly shows that I am only 10% gay, and she was 50% gay, but still...who is not answering whose texts here? It does me no good to find girls I like at bars and kiss them because such girls are only into kissing girls for as long as the drinks are free. I did really like her though. I would like to kiss her some more, maybe fuck her in the Blue Lion, maybe setup a threesome with Starbuck. I love you KARA THRACE. Oh well, such things are not to be.

Even XKCD has gotten into the VENN game of love with this amazingly touching and yet simultaneously disturbing diagram:


Vanilla Ice should not in any way be near any of those datasets, but hey, to each their own. Take Mr. Van Winkle, who was just arrested for a domestic dispute, off the market, and I will consider you a hero. You are taking one for the team by ensuring no one else has to fuck him. Thank you. I thank you for all women everywhere from the bottom of my heart.

My wonderful cyber friend Puck made a hilarious Venn diagram that works both Sauron and ogling my sweet ass into one beautiful graphical representation that I simply must share:


Since it's a little blurry, let me state that this graph represents: The Things Sauron Would Do for Love. Those being a) create a nice precious ring b) dominate an elf and c) ogle D_S (meaning me aka the dirty_snowflake) at every opportunity.

Finally, I leave you with a Venn Diagram from me to thee that utterly, completely, and accurately represents my sex life or lack thereof as of this very moment:

Rollie will return soon; he did fall in the trash compactor. We're fishing him out as I type this. Silly Rollie always with the nipple cannons and the wacky antics.


*Princess Out*

3 comments:

Dawkman said...

Please let me be in "E"...Please let me be in "E"... lol Who we kidding, I know I'm in E!

Robin said...

Well, I think Robin falls into B.... but probably is outside of C.... but there is always that chance she'll get tanked and message away!!!!!

So he always keeps trying ;p

Debbie said...

and scene