April 3, 2008

Why I'm not voting for Hillary Clinton.

Time for a barely political (and potentially unintelligible) rant.

I spotted this "news item" earlier this week:

WASHINGTON (AP) — Call her a Honky Tonk Woman: Hillary Rodham Clinton is a big fan of the Rolling Stones.

Speaking to reporters aboard her campaign plane Sunday morning, the Democratic presidential contender said she was eager to see "Shine a Light," the new documentary about the legendary rock band that was directed by Martin Scorsese and opens Friday.

Clinton said she attended her first Stones show as a high school senior in 1965, and has been a few times since. She praised Mick Jagger, the band's 64-year-old lead singer, and said she admired his work ethic.

"If you go to a Stones concert today and I have been, it's just amazing," Clinton said. "He has this incredible presence. He is very disciplined, he works out, and he's incredibly devoted to what he does."

I will tell you everything that pisses me off about this article in chronological order.

1. I read this in USA Today. This news is not news. This is kindling.

2. I will not call Hilary a "Honky Tonk Woman." The title of the song has absolutely no relevance to the rest of the article, Hilary Clinton's campaign, or Hilary Clinton's life, unless she's planning to soon be a "divorcee in New York City" looking to blow a rock star.

3. I still don't know how to spell Hilary's name. It's two L's. Why can't I remember that? Bill. Hillary. Bill. Hillary. Ok done.

4. Hillary is a big fan of the Rolling Stones? Is this an Onion article? A million other knuckleheads are Rolling Stones fans too. Fuck them all. I'm not voting for any Rolling Stones fans.

5. Did reporters bring up the Rolling Stones with Hillary, or was it the other way around? Were they just hangin' around smokin' butts, rappin' about their Top Fives? Or was this 100% calculated? I'm guessing the latter. Which reporter said "Oh shit, Hillary's saying something that unhip people may consider 'hip!' Let me get my steno pad and my astronaut pen out and write this down!!! The only thing that could make this article better is more exclamation points!!!! PULITZER!!!!!!!!!"? How do you sleep at night? You are literally a fucking tool. And I literally mean that literally, hole of the ass.

6. Campaign plane. Urbane birdbrain.

7. What was I doing two Sundays ago? Hmm.... Oh, I woke up early and made Belgian Waffles. Film at 11.

8. Ah. Now we've come to the beef and tomatoes. This brief is a commercial. Actually, two expensive commercials in one sentence. Vote for Hillary, go see the Stones documentary. One of these FKRs (BTW, those are WallyChung.Com's Big Buck Hunter high-score initials) paid the other one a lot of money for this BS. Or maybe this was a big AP-Hillary-Jagger threeway. Another boomer fantasy that we all get stuck trying to clean up. Or just blogging about. Oh, generation gap.

9. So Hillary has seen the Rolling Stones a few times in 40+ years. I suppose that makes her a big fan. I wonder how many of those times she's actually paid for face value tickets. Those greedy bozos charge hundreds of dollars for their fake electronic light show, then double the price every year. And then people like Hillary Clinton think they're getting they're getting street cred and an experience of a lifetime just by showing up with their ticket stub. Here's an impression of me: "Oh you went to a Stones show recently? Sucker." PEOPLE, STOP FEEDING THE STONES. They are not Rock 'n' Roll--they are a business model. They are neon nostalgia. Hillary admires Mick Jagger because he has the amazing ability to sell what was cool years ago to a new audience every 4 years they go on tour. Sound familiar, politician?

10. I won't lie though, I am impressed that she saw them in '65. Sort of. Here's another impression of me "Oh, you went to a Stones show in '65? I hope I get Social Security someday." Rolling Stones are so safe though. I mean, I feel like they made fun of George Bush on one of their last unmemorable albums, but big fucking deal. The Stones are innocuous. Nobody cares if you went to a show that marihuana cigarettes may have been at anymore. You weren't being edgy. Maybe if she saw Marilyn Manson or Rage Against the Machine I'd pepper up without even firing off a blog about her being a fake goth or a frat boy.

In summary, I hate politicians, reporters, and rockstars. If Obama starts talking about Kanye West next week, I'm voting Republican.

Here's a news article I'd like to see:

Call her a "Local" Girl: Hillary Rodham Clinton is a big fan of Local H's "California Songs."

Drunkenly ranting to gawking hipsters last "Thirsty" Thursday, the Democratic presidential contender said she was eager to go home and track down a bittorrent of "California Songs" by Local H, a 2-piece band from Chicago that predates The White Stripes.

Clinton said she loved "Bound for the Floor" the first million times it was on the radio in 1996, and assumed they broke up after that album. She credited Wikipedia for having a well-maintained article on the band that helped her explore their continued discography.

"I read the lyrics to 'California Songs', and they're just amazing," Clinton said. "He makes fun of California the whole time. And then he says 'Fuck New York too.' I don't care if they still kinda sound like Nirvana.. they fucking rule, man!"


Anonymous said...

You don't like rockstars because you want to be one and are jealous of those who have already made it!

Ro-Beast Rollie said...

Eat it, monkey.

Ryan said...

Unremoved. whoops!

This post gave me goosebumps on my titmouse.
Way to go, Hatch!